Woodman123

So yet again, this disease has robbed me of my 'gut-feel', intuition, sense of right/wrong... therefore, I count on the collective wisdom of my SR friends!

I have recently taken my wife to Hazelden, after years of alcoholism and many failed attempts at sobriety. I feel this is her last chance... she's put our marriage in serious jeopardy, estranged her parents and our children through the course of her alcoholic spiral. As the sole financial support to the family (and parents with very minimal savings), I have absorbed years of costly medical detoxes, and paid out of pocket for extended rehab care, all while trying to balance savings for kids' college funds.

So now she's at the world famous Hazelden. I believe insurance will (hopefully) cover the inpatient stay, but given her repeated failure, I'm sure they will recommend the extended care program, which is all out of pocket and VERY expensive.

I am conflicted. I desperately want my wife to get her life back (or at least as much as she can) and want her to truly achieve sobriety and meaningful life-long recovery...BUT at what cost? Other than facility reputation and seemingly very qualified personnel, I am not confident this rehab will get through to her any more than the previous three facilities (she has a predictable history of doing great in rehab, but failing miserably upon transition back to everyday life- never maintains attendance at IOPs, AA, etc- always thinks "she can handle it"... until IT handles her. On the other hand, maybe this experience will truly show her the path... no one will ever know for sure.

So if i don't fork over the out of pocket for extended care, i feel like i'm short-changing her chance for recovery. But then I'm sinking alot of savings and potential kids' college money with potentially NO return on investment. i really do not want to impact my kids (or my retirement for that matter) anymore than they already have been. On the other hand, I really still love my wife and feel like I'm committed to doing everything within my power to help her succeed. How can I actually say that, and not contradict myself if I don't support her if the need arises?

Anyone else fight this internal conflict?

Refiner

Wow. That's a tough one. I guess you have this discussion with her that you're willing to give it your all (and your retirement and your kids taking a hit as well) and hope that SHE is willing to give it her all. Then there will never be any "what-if's". And if she relapses, you know you have to go (well, she's the one that should go). And that's IT. What are your kids' ages?

embraced2000

my xah was in at least 10-15 detox centers and rehabs. like your wife, he would do amazingly well while in rehab but when he came home and had to plug into life, he would spiral back into alcoholism and all it had to offer. sometimes it would take 6 months or so, sometimes it was immediate.....it was like throwing a pair of dice.

I had to learn to take care of myself first.....I could not depend on his outcome.

it was tough to make the hard decisions. but the hard decisions are usually the right ones to make.

all I can offer is my experience.......I could not plan my future based upon his fragilities or the hope for his recovery. I built my life around the fact that I had to secure my own interests, and to know that once I had secured my own life, my own existence in any way, shape, or form could be affected whether he was sober and in recovery or not.

I understand how tough this is for your family. it is heartbreaking. take care of yourself and your children first. you have done all you can do for her. it is up to her what her future will be.

sad. I know it is sad. and it hurts like hell. sometimes, we just have to let them go.

Refiner

No, I'm pretty sure Woodman's dilemna is does he take it one step further and enter her into the high priced (and out of pocket) long-term program instead of the shorter one that insurance will pay most of. But yes, it is still up to her what her future will be regardless of the program.

embraced2000

refiner..to clarify,.I was referring to the fact that I had financially disabled my own family time and time again during my xah recovery attempts. absolutely decimated my finances. the outcome was the same.....he never achieved recovery.

I was trying to relate, in a nutshell.....wish I would have just saved my family from financial ruin.....

Woodman123

I have one child in college and another 2 yrs away, so higher education funding is very pertinent now.

i hesitate to discuss with my wife, because every similar conversation preceding this has always been the same. She says she knows everything is riding on her getting better, and she's absolutely committed to XYZ program... then real life hits, and she's laying in the wagon's tracks within 2 weeks of leaving rehab.

SparkleKitty

All I can say is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And that's really all you have to go on right now.

But you don't have to decide today, do you? This is conjecture based on them recommending an extended stay at the end of treatment, right? That hasn't happened yet. When the time comes, the people at Hazelden may have alternative plans or other resources for financing that you are not aware of. One day at a time, right?

Refiner

I understand. How about making her make the choice since her recovery is ENTIRELY dependent upon her? She must realize it's hefty price tag and the issues it could cause to fund higher education for BOTH children. She somehow needs to understand THIS IS IT. If the shorter program is the "same old been there, done that" she may WANT the more intense program and truly WANT to get better.

Woodman123

Yes- I have one month... i believe the clinical evaluations for programming will start to come in about week 2, at which time I'll probably have some idea of what;s to come.

CodeJob

Can she take out a loan on her own without you being on it legally or responsible? Does she work so she can pay for the extended program on her own?

Woodman, I know it is hard to know when to let go. I wish you peace with your decision. I think there comes a time when the futility of multiple rehab attempts builds an awful lot of resentment. You sound defeated and sad and frustrated. It does not sound like this is where you want to sink limited family resources....

embraced2000

that's good. you have time to think about the next right step.

during times when my xah was in detoxes, I would be very relieved. he was safe. in good hands. a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders....at least for awhile.

take this time to just breathe.

my best to you and your family. and healing thoughts to your wife.

Woodman123

Nope- voluntarily not working for past 5 years (which is maddening in itself as she is a healthcare professional and could have socked away alot of moolah for retirement/college).

so yes, I am sad and defeated... in some ways I wish I had a personality that allowed me to be resolute and walk the other way and not look back... i guess being with someone for 27 years has had an impact.

Thanks for all the supportive thoughts and perspectives!

biminiblue

Someone at an AA meeting the other day said, "When you come into these rooms, you are surrounded by the loving cloak of God. If you go out and use again and return, that protection is no longer there."

I think I would have left after the first detox/failed sobriety. In fact that is what I essentially did in my marriage. I gave an ultimatum and I meant it. No bargaining, no extended grace. I was not willing to live on that roller coaster any more. I am thankful to God daily for the life I was able to find afterwards. I haven't remarried, but I am at peace today without a relationship. That was 25 years ago.

CodeJob

Totally get it Woodman. 20 yr anniversary one mo away.

Are you making decisions based on fear, obligation and guilt more than love and commitment?

redatlanta

Really don't know what to advise you. Its a crap shoot.

I can only say what I would do. I doubt after so many chances I would be willing to put my children and myself in a harmful financial situation.

I think….I would think….the A had gotten enough from us.

m1k3

You do realize that this amounts to nothing?

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you sure as hell can't cure it.

I know this sounds harsh but it is totally up to her. If she wants to quit she will find a way. If she doesn't then it doesn't matter how much money you throw at it. Take care of yourself and the kids.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

dandylion

Dear Woodman----please understand that I am speaking in a very general way--as I do not know your wife, at all. You say that she aces the program--then falls apart shortly after returning to the outside world--the home situation. Kind of a predictable pattern?

Many people who achieve sobriety after a program by going to a half-way house situation--like sober houses. Oxford Houses are a good example of this. They work while they are there to pay for their housing. They can stay from a few weeks to 2 or more years. This gives them the structure and ongoing support during the dicey early recovery period.

It may mean that separation may be useful to her and the welfare of the rest of the family, as well after sober living or even after this rehab stay. In any case, you will notice how many people on this forum will say that the early recovery period is extremely difficult for the whole family and wish that they had not accepted the family member back at home--right away. I tend to agree with this, also.

Simultaneously---the family--spouse and children--need support as much as the alcoholic if the family has hopes of reuniting in a healthy way--down the road. This really is essential!!!

Woodman--some people do not have the fortune to be able to have money for expensive outpatient services---Lol...I guess you, too, right now...
AA is the usual crux of recovery for most alcoholics---this is available and a part of sober living environments. Many former indigent individuals have achieved sobriety through Salvation Army programs--sober living homes--and ongoing AA 12-steps. Lots and lots of them. So, what I am saying is that there are options for those who want recovery but don't have the financial resources for outpatient programs or who can't function back in the home.

If there is an additional diagnosis---of a psychiatric nature---of course ongoing treatment by a professional is necessary, in addition. Dual diagnosis is not uncommon--and, there is half-way house living that takes this into consideration.

Woodman, this is a difficult crux in the road for you. I would suggest that you make these decisions with the support of a very knowledgable and experienced person, in this field. You certainly are not the first to face this situation.....and there are options....and, you can lead your family through this.

You are not alone.

dandylion

Raider

DaNdylion that is a great idea. Oxford house would be great. You work, you share chores and you are tested for substances. One positive test bad you are out. I'm so sorry this is such a big issue for you. Blessings

littlesister1

Wow, I REALLY needed to hear that today

Thank you

Hammer

First thing. It does NOT work like this . . .

See that part? You want.

Does not work until THEY want. Desperately, no less.

Meanwhile, she is following YOUR desperate wants. At least for a couple weeks at a time.

Just turning off the sounds, and wanting the picture show . . . it sounds like SHE wants desperately to continue drinking.

JMHO, and just what I am seeing of you all's doings.

I do not see a conflict, internal. I see a conflict between your desperate wants and hers.

You understand that it is NOT a Money Problem?