Need advice re: son's wedding
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 458
When I read your post- it did seem local- or a PA person. Then I looked.
For those that dont know- sections of PA- folks will ding/insult/tiff/berate others in a very subtle way.
Amy- your post sounds like it would happen right here in this valley. All of the tiffs thing goes on.
I agree that after wards to make sure there is a correct address.
Hugs to you neighbor!!!
For those that dont know- sections of PA- folks will ding/insult/tiff/berate others in a very subtle way.
Amy- your post sounds like it would happen right here in this valley. All of the tiffs thing goes on.
I agree that after wards to make sure there is a correct address.
Hugs to you neighbor!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thought about this a lot today. Whether it is a mistake or not, just going to let this go, unless asked specifically by my son why they are not going.
There is one other problem with all of this. It's my daughter. She is ill, whether sometimes I am not sure if it is more psychological, hypochondriac, or physical.
If I mention any of this to my son, and he starts to question his sister, she will admit herself to the ER, and blame either him or me for stressing her, (she has done this numerous times already). Knowing her the way that I know her, she would do this on his wedding day. So I am dropping everything.
There is one other problem with all of this. It's my daughter. She is ill, whether sometimes I am not sure if it is more psychological, hypochondriac, or physical.
If I mention any of this to my son, and he starts to question his sister, she will admit herself to the ER, and blame either him or me for stressing her, (she has done this numerous times already). Knowing her the way that I know her, she would do this on his wedding day. So I am dropping everything.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
It is not appropriate that he was not invited. But that is not your problem to fix. There is time for this couple to acclimate their son to a second caregiver besides you. It might be a wise time investment in case of future events to move in that direction for them. I think the errors are Daughter digs - even the missing plus 1 on your invite. But I would drop all of that personally. Passive aggressive little bugger, huh?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Another caregiver isn't an option at this time. His meds were just recently changed. They put him on a seizure med that would not affect the liver as much as the older one did. He has been having small seizures (it involves a headache, not knowing where he is, and losing his words, not grand mal). They are trying to adjust this now, because he has been getting them more often , like every 10 days, instead of every 4 months or longer in between.
And yep, daughter is a "little" passive aggressive, but now onto a new problem.
And yep, daughter is a "little" passive aggressive, but now onto a new problem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Next problem, the bridal shower. My mom called me today to see if I ever got an invitation to that, she got hers last week.
Now, I don't know if I invited or not. I know the bridesmaids would have gotten the address list from my daughter. It has the wrong address on it. Bridal shower is this Saturday.
My mother is calling my son tonight, to return his call. She had already sent him a wedding card with a gift, stating that she was not going, because she would be too embarrassed to answer why I was not at the wedding. I had asked her to hold off on that, but when she asked me if I was invited to the bridal shower, and I told her that I did not get an invite, she sent out the card.
I was going to leave all of this alone, and just send a shower gift to them, but she wants to tell my son why she sent that wedding card. (Because I also wasn't invited to the shower). I asked her not to, but I have no control over that.
So, I don't even know if there is a question here. My family will probably not be going to the bridal shower since it is about a 3 hour drive there, another 3 back. They will probably just send gifts. I won't know anyone there, and the atmosphere at this time is a little tense, to say the least. I really wanted my mother to leave this alone.
Now, I don't know if I invited or not. I know the bridesmaids would have gotten the address list from my daughter. It has the wrong address on it. Bridal shower is this Saturday.
My mother is calling my son tonight, to return his call. She had already sent him a wedding card with a gift, stating that she was not going, because she would be too embarrassed to answer why I was not at the wedding. I had asked her to hold off on that, but when she asked me if I was invited to the bridal shower, and I told her that I did not get an invite, she sent out the card.
I was going to leave all of this alone, and just send a shower gift to them, but she wants to tell my son why she sent that wedding card. (Because I also wasn't invited to the shower). I asked her not to, but I have no control over that.
So, I don't even know if there is a question here. My family will probably not be going to the bridal shower since it is about a 3 hour drive there, another 3 back. They will probably just send gifts. I won't know anyone there, and the atmosphere at this time is a little tense, to say the least. I really wanted my mother to leave this alone.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by amy55 
Another caregiver isn't an option at this time. His meds were just recently changed. They put him on a seizure med that would not affect the liver as much as the older one did. He has been having small seizures (it involves a headache, not knowing where he is, and losing his words, not grand mal). They are trying to adjust this now, because he has been getting them more often , like every 10 days, instead of every 4 months or longer in between.
And yep, daughter is a "little" passive aggressive, but now onto a new problem.
And yep, daughter is a "little" passive aggressive, but now onto a new problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
some days I really need to tell myself that it is NOT my place to direct all the traffic of the universe...
as hard as it is that i want to tell everyone (especially my daughter) what SHOULD be done, what is the RIGHT way to do it, I glue my lips shut.
as hard as it is that i want to tell everyone (especially my daughter) what SHOULD be done, what is the RIGHT way to do it, I glue my lips shut.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Amy, I am wondering if you are currently working with a therapist or working any kind of program? Not asked with judgement.
I'm thinking it is time to get back to a therapist. Mostly I can talk to my friend. She does screen my emails now, before I respond !!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Originally Posted by Fandy
some days I really need to tell myself that it is NOT my place to direct all the traffic of the universe...
as hard as it is that i want to tell everyone (especially my daughter) what SHOULD be done, what is the RIGHT way to do it, I glue my lips shut.
as hard as it is that i want to tell everyone (especially my daughter) what SHOULD be done, what is the RIGHT way to do it, I glue my lips shut.
It's why I come here. Mouth is
on this one. At first I wasn't thinking of all of the ramifications, now I am.Let Go, Let God.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
amy, this wedding seems to have stirred up a LOT for you....please read this thread again and look at how many different aspects of everything associated with this wedding you have issue with, and want to fix/change/meddle or at least interfere with.
who gets invited is NOT your problem, to either wedding or shower.
who chooses to ATTEND is NOT your problem.
whether or not the address thing was deliberate (seems highly unlikely, given that your son said he just got HIS) you GOT an invitation, which you had an entire other thread about.
i never considered whether or not there was a stamp on the reply as a sign of disrespect or being farther down the food chain than others.
if i didn't know better, i'd say you were itching for a fight. if you wanted your mom to "leave it alone" then it might have been wise not to draw her so much IN to things earlier. just sayin. you erroneously assumed you were not invited to the wedding, misinterpreted what you son said about too late to change invites, and kind of poked a stick at the hornets nest.
what is REALLY going on here? because your words and actions are "saying" different things and you are usually real consistent with both!???
who gets invited is NOT your problem, to either wedding or shower.
who chooses to ATTEND is NOT your problem.
whether or not the address thing was deliberate (seems highly unlikely, given that your son said he just got HIS) you GOT an invitation, which you had an entire other thread about.
i never considered whether or not there was a stamp on the reply as a sign of disrespect or being farther down the food chain than others.
if i didn't know better, i'd say you were itching for a fight. if you wanted your mom to "leave it alone" then it might have been wise not to draw her so much IN to things earlier. just sayin. you erroneously assumed you were not invited to the wedding, misinterpreted what you son said about too late to change invites, and kind of poked a stick at the hornets nest.
what is REALLY going on here? because your words and actions are "saying" different things and you are usually real consistent with both!???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Anvil, thank you. I'm really not itching for a fight with my son. I am letting everything go.
I was uninvited to the wedding. I was told that. The thing with the invites was that all the parents names were shown except mine. My son was able to change it, and include my name, before the invites were printed up. Perhaps he even spent additional money to do that, or he got them changed before the printing.
I didn't want to get my mom involved in this. People were getting the "Save the Dates", and she didn't get one. She called me to see if I got one. I just told her, no. Then she asked me if I was invited. At that point I wasn't, so I told her, no. That's when she told me that if I don't go, she's not. I asked her to please attend anyway. I also told her that this will all "blow over".
I'm getting phone calls now from my sister, and my cousin. Invites were sent to just an individual. Some of them were married in the last year, or are in long term relationships. I'm being asked what they should do. I'm telling them I don't know. I know when I looked at the draft of invited guest last year, they were included.
I don't know what to tell anyone at this point, and I can't bring anything up.
My daughter is the one that sent out the invites, and I really don't know if the list had to be cut down, or if it was an oversight, I just know I can't give them answers.
The only thing I am going to do is to call my cousin to let her know that I am going. I'm not the one that told her that I was uninvited. My daughter told her, that I was not invited, and I don't know how many people if any, that my cousin told. The only reason I am doing this (calling my cousin) is because she also said that she would also not go. Maybe I'm wrong for doing this, but I don't want the domino effect to happen. Meaning, if I don't go, they don't go, then if they don't, their adult children don't.
It's a very sticky situation with my daughter and I, and I don't want my son caught in the middle of this. My family has been very protective of me since my daughter had tried to file an RO against me. The judge threw that right out of court. I was also not the one that told my family about that either, my daughter did.
There is one other thing here. I did not tell my mother I was uninvited till after my daughter told my cousin. I thought it would get back to her through the grapevine, so when she asked me if I was going to the wedding, I had to tell her the truth then.
So I don't know if I am right or wrong here about calling my cousin to let her know that I am going, so that it stops the decline responses, I am just trying to do what I feel is right. I will not be discussing any of the other stuff with her, that's why I came here with this stuff.
I was uninvited to the wedding. I was told that. The thing with the invites was that all the parents names were shown except mine. My son was able to change it, and include my name, before the invites were printed up. Perhaps he even spent additional money to do that, or he got them changed before the printing.
I didn't want to get my mom involved in this. People were getting the "Save the Dates", and she didn't get one. She called me to see if I got one. I just told her, no. Then she asked me if I was invited. At that point I wasn't, so I told her, no. That's when she told me that if I don't go, she's not. I asked her to please attend anyway. I also told her that this will all "blow over".
I'm getting phone calls now from my sister, and my cousin. Invites were sent to just an individual. Some of them were married in the last year, or are in long term relationships. I'm being asked what they should do. I'm telling them I don't know. I know when I looked at the draft of invited guest last year, they were included.
I don't know what to tell anyone at this point, and I can't bring anything up.
My daughter is the one that sent out the invites, and I really don't know if the list had to be cut down, or if it was an oversight, I just know I can't give them answers.
The only thing I am going to do is to call my cousin to let her know that I am going. I'm not the one that told her that I was uninvited. My daughter told her, that I was not invited, and I don't know how many people if any, that my cousin told. The only reason I am doing this (calling my cousin) is because she also said that she would also not go. Maybe I'm wrong for doing this, but I don't want the domino effect to happen. Meaning, if I don't go, they don't go, then if they don't, their adult children don't.
It's a very sticky situation with my daughter and I, and I don't want my son caught in the middle of this. My family has been very protective of me since my daughter had tried to file an RO against me. The judge threw that right out of court. I was also not the one that told my family about that either, my daughter did.
There is one other thing here. I did not tell my mother I was uninvited till after my daughter told my cousin. I thought it would get back to her through the grapevine, so when she asked me if I was going to the wedding, I had to tell her the truth then.
So I don't know if I am right or wrong here about calling my cousin to let her know that I am going, so that it stops the decline responses, I am just trying to do what I feel is right. I will not be discussing any of the other stuff with her, that's why I came here with this stuff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
So I did call my cousin tonight. She told me that she is holding off on responding because her H had congestive heart failure, been out of the hospital for a week, and will have to see if the medication is working. Also that her sister, (my other cousin) has treatable lymphoma, and is going thru chemo, and doesn't think she will be able to go. She thanked me for letting her know that I was going, because it was weighing heavily on her mind.
Then I got to hear that her kids, all in their late 20's, early 30's got the invite for them only. Said, I don't know what to say about that. She just said that her son, talks to my son a lot, and he already said he was going to be calling my son about the invite and if the wedding list was cut, that was ok, if not, that he wanted to bring a guest.
Now I can just sit back and relax.
Then I got to hear that her kids, all in their late 20's, early 30's got the invite for them only. Said, I don't know what to say about that. She just said that her son, talks to my son a lot, and he already said he was going to be calling my son about the invite and if the wedding list was cut, that was ok, if not, that he wanted to bring a guest.
Now I can just sit back and relax.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I don't know what to tell anyone at this point, and I can't bring anything up.
As far as your daughter goes, whatever damage she causes to your son you cannot prevent or stop it. If she is running her mouth then she's going to do it regardless of what you do. By trying to play defense you're just engaging in the drama. I think letting it go means not only not acting on it but not allowing it to take up anymore of your mind space. Let the crap with your daughter and the guest list and plus ones and especially the invites, let it all be forgotten because those really are meaningless details that no one is going to care about as soon as the wedding happens (and actually I think most people don't care period.)
In the meantime maybe focus on something fun that you actually can control, like what are you going to wear?
Or what gift are you going to give the happy couple?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, I do think that's the best way to handle it. You got the invite, you are going, you will be with him on what is one of his most special days. Don't let someone else ruin that for either one of you. Take the high road.
XXX
XXX
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by amy55
My friend told me to leave this alone, that I should just go and have a good time and repair the relationship. I wish my relationship was good right now with my son, but it is strained. It would be so much easier to just come out and ask him, but I can't.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by Stung
I think letting it go means not only not acting on it but not allowing it to take up anymore of your mind space.
In the meantime maybe focus on something fun that you actually can control, like what are you going to wear? Or what gift are you going to give the happy couple?
In the meantime maybe focus on something fun that you actually can control, like what are you going to wear?
Or what gift are you going to give the happy couple?Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thank you all for keeping me calm yesterday. I knew I needed to be here, and off the phone and off the email. The phone call to my cousin was necessary. There was no one else to tell her that I was going, and the damage there was done. So that was my only codieness yesterday, and it turned out fine, because with the no guests invites, I got to just say "I don't know".
So my head is pretty clear today. I had ordered my dress online. I really do hate to do that, but I had been searching for awhile, and I knew what I wanted, but could only find it online at Light in a B ox. It's really very simple. It has an embroidered band on the top with jewels, a somewhat gathered waist. The rest is just really plain. Its just plain, simple, but elegant. And it only cost me $110 which includes shipping.
Bridal Shower ---- originally intended to get the knives that they wanted, they both love to cook, but decided knives might not be appropriate right now, (lol) so will look some more into this.
Made the hotel reservation.
Only one more thing I have to deal with today. My daughter called me in the morning. I didn't answer the phone then, will call her back later. I'll make nicey nice with her. I am not mentioning anything, about anything. Just going to keep my side of the street clean.
You see, the last time around with her, we never really had a fight. She stopped calling me and my mother for over 6 months, maybe longer. I know I can hold out till after the wedding. Just hope that she doesn't paint me "black" (all evil) again before then.
So my head is pretty clear today. I had ordered my dress online. I really do hate to do that, but I had been searching for awhile, and I knew what I wanted, but could only find it online at Light in a B ox. It's really very simple. It has an embroidered band on the top with jewels, a somewhat gathered waist. The rest is just really plain. Its just plain, simple, but elegant. And it only cost me $110 which includes shipping.
Bridal Shower ---- originally intended to get the knives that they wanted, they both love to cook, but decided knives might not be appropriate right now, (lol) so will look some more into this.
Made the hotel reservation.
Only one more thing I have to deal with today. My daughter called me in the morning. I didn't answer the phone then, will call her back later. I'll make nicey nice with her. I am not mentioning anything, about anything. Just going to keep my side of the street clean.
You see, the last time around with her, we never really had a fight. She stopped calling me and my mother for over 6 months, maybe longer. I know I can hold out till after the wedding. Just hope that she doesn't paint me "black" (all evil) again before then.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
