Psalm5110

You know when it's really hard to be strong?

When you are 36 weeks pregnant and have to go to labor and delivery because you're experiencing signs of preterm labor.

When you feel like your husband should be there beside you, but you realize the triage room is not big enough for him and all the elephants he brings with him.

When you choose not to call him because you are afraid he will just disappoint you again by not being capable of providing you with any emotional support.

When you get sent home but are told the baby could come any time, and you call him to tell him, and he gets panicky and asks what he can do, and you tell him that he needs to start talking about everything that has happened or there's no chance he will be there when his son is born.

When you have your next phone conversation and realize not even the likelihood of missing his son's birth has lit any sort of fire under him.

When you give him the chance to banish one of the elephants and he offers only half-truths and more lies, then tries to deflect when you call him out on them.

When you just remember what it was like at this time three years ago, when your first child entered the world, safe and secure, with two loving parents who were honest and trustworthy.

It's just a rough day, friends.

dessy

Hugs

dandylion

Psalm---I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. Is there anyone that you can trust in that you can have with you at delivery. If there is, I suggest that you lean on them. You NEED someone that can support you at your side!!!!! I also suggest that you lower the bar a great deal as to what you expect or want from him---because, if you expect little or nothing--it will be so much easier on you if he drops the ball.

Arrange to have a happy delivery time---without him. If he shows up--o, well. If he doesn't--oh, well.

Don't let him take this wonderful life experience away from you!

dandylion

Florence

Agreed. I was going through this with my daughter's birth a few years ago. Try to arrange a doula to be there -- this is a woman who is trained to support birthing mothers that can hold your hand and support you through the birth whether or not he shows up. I did this for myself, along with having a midwife at the hospital, and despite my STBXAH being a bump on a log, I had a fine experience and felt good through my delivery.

Psalm5110

Thanks, everyone. I am blessed that my mom, who is wonderful in every way, will be with me when my son is born. And I have made arrangements to spend my maternity leave with my very supportive parents, so my plans do not include AH being part of this experience.

And yet...despite working hard to focus on me and my children, and accepting the fact that while this may not be the way I pictured it, we will still be fine...there are days I so desperately wish I could trust him again, and thus could have him be there for the birth. Intellectually, I understand that even if he is committed to recovery, it's a complicated process and things won't change quickly. But emotionally, I can't grasp why someone who has been given a clear path to redemption (Tell the truth. Stop the lies.) won't just do it.

What a horrible disease.

dandylion

Psalm---I get what you are feeling. Who wouldn't want what you want?

It Is a horrible disease--learn all you can about the disease. It will take a lot of excess emotional weight off your shoulders.

dandylion

Florence

It's disappointing, isn't it?

My STBXAH is from a wealthy family who have a wealth of resources. He had my (very good) insurance and my FULL support to help himself in whatever way it took. But this is what addiction *IS*. It's losing everything, looking into the abyss, knowing your life is spiraling, and still being unable to stop despite catastrophic consequences.

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/thefilm...ra_volkow.html

I have deep, deep empathy for people who struggle with catastrophic addiction, and wish them well in their attempts at recovery, but for my own mental health and for the physical and mental health of my kids, I had to make other plans.