Sick and tired...
 

Hello to all. I am new to this forum and this is my 1st post.

I am married to an alcoholic wife. We are a blended family - I have 4 from my 1st marriage, she has 2, and we have 1 little girl who is 3yrs old.

In the beginning of our relationship, I believe that we had a "normal" relationship with alcohol, in that neither one of us drank excessively, and we enjoyed it responsibly.

When our daughter was about 6 months old, I began noticing that my wife was drinking to excess more frequently at social events. The first real scare came at one of my wife's family reunions in 2011, and the wine was flowing freely (at this large gathering of Catholics!). We became separated in the crowd... and at some point my stepdaughter and a couple of her cousins asked to be taken back to the motel to watch movies, and (unbeknownst to me) my wife volunteered to take them. About an hour later, I get a phone call from my stepdaughter, who's in our SUV being driven by my wife, stating that "mom can't find the motel, and she's not driving right!" Fortunately, I was able to track them down and get her off the road without incident... but that was an incredibly frightening - and eye-opening - evening.

Her drinking problem has slowly but surely worsened over time. There were a couple of occasions where I found her passed out at home... Fortunately there were no children there with her those times. In fact, I believe the absence of children is precisely why she hit the bottle so hard those days. There have been several other occasions where she has been behind the wheel, buzzed, with children in the car. She would try to hide bottles around house, but I was pretty good at finding all of her hiding places and confronting her about it. Her latest strategy has been to simply go through a drive through at a liquor store, buy a 4 pack of something and then drink them on the way home, throwing the bottles out along the roadside to hide the evidence...

Her closest 3 friends have attempted to perform interventions on at least 2 occasions, and she did go to a few AA meetings after this, but did not stick with it. She refused to consider any type of inpatient treatment. She did, however, greatly ****** her intake of alcohol. In fact, she went nearly 6months without a single drop.

We went on a trip for our anniversary, and to this day I feel guilty for agreeing to have wine and champagne. We have tried to lay down some ground rules stating that the only time either of us would ever drink alcohol was when we were together and alone. This did, in fact, seem to work for a while. But over the past few months, I have detected her drinking on several occasions. She really can't hide it very well - her speech becomes just a bit different when she is under the influence. I even bought a breathalyzer and she has always agreed to submit to the test, even when she knows that she is guilty.

At the present time, when she does drink, she seems to be limiting herself to an amount that she thinks she can get away with - that is, there has not been another occasion where she drinks herself into oblivion. Not that that is any achievement that is worthy of praise... I am just trying to point out that it has been much worse in the past than it is now, in terms of quantity.

Now a bit about me: I am a medical professional, a physician, and I have a pretty good understanding of alcohol and substance abuse. I have absolutely no problem with substance abuse myself, be it alcohol or anything else. I can take it or leave it. I have a very difficult time empathizing with someone who lacks the same self-control. I am an extremely strong-willed person, and now I am married to someone who isn't, and it's threatening our marriage.

As I said earlier, I feel guilty for those times when I have agreed to share a bottle of wine with her, for fear of "feeding the monster." To be brutally honest, there is probably an element of selfishness in my having consented, because (at least in our case) a bit of alcohol has always made bedroom activities more fun... Now, I am beginning to resent the idea of having to remain abstinent myself for the rest of my life in order to make this marriage work. I'm not saying that I love alcohol more than I love my wife, I am just trying to say that I am angry about having to be forced to give it up because of her lack of self-control.

I have been dealing with this problem for the past 3 years. Like many of you out there who are also co-dependents, I am almost at the end of my rope. My username ,SATOTS, stands for "Sick And Tired Of This Sh*t," and I am!

I understand perfectly well that I can not say anything to my wife about her drinking, and magically fix this problem. I understand that I cannot threaten her, and fix this problem. I know, and I believe she knows, that the change must come from within. She has to be the one to want it. However, I do not believe that she has yet hit her proverbial "rock bottom." And I am starting to feel that I am not willing to simply wait around for that to happen. Life is very short... Way too short to put up with this kind of crap.

For those of you who are itching to sing to me the praises of Al-Anon, please don't take offense, but don't bother. It's just not for me. For one thing, there's no such thing as "Anon" when you're a well-known doctor in a small community. Plus, I have absolutely ZERO interest in taking time out of my busy schedule to sit through such meetings. I'm a very private person, so a forum such as this is going to have to suffice - and I think it definitely can and will help (or at least I hope so), and that's why I'm taking the time to post this.

Everyone who is a co-dependent has their own breaking point. I would venture to say that mine is probably shorter than most. I have warned my wife on multiple occasions that I will NOT permit our daughter to grow up under the shadow of alcoholism. And I am as serious as death when I say that.

I told her last night (after coming home to her drunk - again) that I am very, very close to leaving... WITH our little girl...

Ok... that's enough of an intro... you may now throw your verbal tomatoes...

Hi.

I don't do Alanon either. They seem very judgmental of me...maybe because we weren't married, with a kid, very irresponsible you know. And I also live in a small town-not very anonymous, although in the grand scheme of things, everyone knew he was an alcoholic, they just didn't know what was actually going on in the house.

And, as you know, and as your post shows, alcoholism is progressive; she is only going to get worse. My advice is to make a plan-to leave, since you seemed to start forming it already-that you are able to stick to. And to stick to that plan. Because once you leave, she will try anything she can to get you back. And if you don't follow through, the cycle will never end.

And congratulations on your decision to not let your daughter grow up like this-alcoholism is bad enough for everyone involved, without dragging kids into it who don't have a choice to leave or stay.

why?

If you think alcoholism is related to will-power, then I think you aren't as well versed about alcoholism as you think.

You're a Dr. You should be able to network. Find an expert, someone who specializes in alcoholism or addiction, and run this will-power issue past that person.

Hi SATOTS---first off--I would suggest that you would go to bma-wellness.com, and read the articles written by Dr. Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (psychiatry and wellness section). There are several. The ones: "Addiction, Lies and Relationships" and "Excuses that Alcoholic Make" are good ones. They will explain how the alcoholic mind works from a psychological view point. Sobriety is about much more than self control. There is much to learn.

You do not mention if rehab. has been considered?

By the way---if you are a prominent family in a small town--how do you think you can divorce without it being known???? Just saying.....

dandylion

If you've got this all figured out, what exactly are you looking for here?

no tomatoes here. done thrown them all...at my XAH when I was trying to make our marriage work.

different people have different bottoms. some never reach a bottom. some struggle for years trying to get sober and staying in recovery. some just don't make it.

it's all ugly. changes all of us...the alcoholics along with the family members. trying to live through this type of life altering experience (alcoholism and the effects of the family dynamics) is damaging beyond description.

who I am, and who I will be has forever been altered through this soul trembling life experience. I've been damaged. now, many people who have been through this will often speak of "the blessings of self knowledge" that came about because of the relationship with the alcoholic in their lives. I have tried that, also.....trying to find the good in it all....because if I could not find any good in it, I just don't know how I could justify what I willingly lived with in my marriage.

this is an education that no one should ever receive.

your post speaks to me of a person who may be able to make a decision and then see it through. it says to me that perhaps there may be someone out there that will save themselves and their family from the education of addiction and the tragic effects it has on loved ones.

my best to you and your family.

First Welcome to SR…..Good place to be in the situation you are in - and sorry you are having to deal with.

Here come the tomatoes…..You are a physician, you state you understand alcoholism and addiction, and after your wife had been sober for 6 months you drank with her. Really.

You have laid down ground rules about drinking - LOL - and you understand alcoholism? You can take or leave alcohol yet you resent having to be abstinent due to your wives lack of willpower?

I don't think you know much of anything about alcoholism.

Stick around we are happy to advise you and share our stories. I commend you for protecting your child. I do recommend Al Anon - if its a small town they already know she has a drinking problem.

I didn't want to go either. My RAH's alcoholism humbled me to the point that I didn't care who knew I just desperately wanted sanity, and some sort of guidance in dealing with his relapse. I got it.

Yeah, thanks. That is about what I was wondering.

You know, SATOTS, not everyone (by far) works through the Alanon model. Especially when the A family member is not working AA.

There are other programs and methods. Rational Recovery is one -- they are taught to say "That is enough of this crap -- it is over!" and THAT is about that. At least from my limited understanding of RR.

There are church based models, as well -- such as Celebrate Recovery. Some folks on here are VERY happy with CR from what I follow.

Had to step away for a bit, but now am back.

I'll try to respond to those who posted a reply...

To INPIECES... Thank you. Yes, I'm having to think about an exit plan. The thought of having to execute it is nauseating. My biggest fear is that if she lost custody of her baby girl, she'd quickly go off the deep end and perhaps become suicidal.

I've thought about giving her a deadline by which she must seek inpatient treatment, and if not met then I'd be file for divorce... I'd like to think that would scare her into action. But I'm afraid to get my hopes up.


To TAKING5... Yes, I understand that addiction is a complex matter and that recovery is more than simply "willpower." This was my first post, and was written rather hastily. I wasn't trying to oversimplify alcoholism. I know that for an addict to truly recover, they must first admit they have a problem, and then learn about how the addiction has, over time, completely overtaken their ability to reason objectively, and to think logically. They must come to realize that they have become a slave to his/her addiction, and that they become unwilling, unaware experts at excusing/justifying their continued drinking. Some attain the self-awareness necessary for recovery faster than others. Some require the hitting of "rock bottom" before becoming motivated to seek help, and for some (albeit, fewer) the fear of rock bottom is motivation enough. However, once this insight is gained, it is then indeed willpower on the part of the addict that is ALWAYS required to initiate and maintain sobriety, is it not? Isn't one of the main purposes of the Serenity Prayer, to a recovering addict, to strengthen his/her WILLPOWER for that day?? Of course it is.


To DANDYLION.... Thanks for the references. I went to the website you recommended and did read the articles you mentioned... very good. Again, thank you.

Also, to be more precise, I'm in a small city, not town, but I still often run in to people I know out in the community. I think that my anxiety is mainly rooted in having to face my colleagues and coworkers where I work. If I ultimately do choose to divorce, I believe that most folks (specifically, those whose opinion I value) would understand that my decision was made primarily to protect my children.


To LADYSCRIBBLER... I don't believe that I ever said that I had it all figured out... But since you want to know why I'm here posting on this forum, I will tell you: I am hoping to hear from others who've been where I am, and to hear how they dealt with some of the same issues; to learn how they came to decide whether or not to stay or to go, and when. I don't think that it should be necessarily to specifically say this, as it is certainly implied. And indeed, most who've replied to my post have been gracious and empathetic.

Most...


And last, to EMBRACED2000... Thank you, much appreciated. My best to you as well. I do believe that time heals all wounds. And folks like you can be a big help to folks like me, just for taking a moment to say some kind words and share your insights. Thanks again...


AND WITH THAT, I'M SIGNING OFF - I AM ON-CALL AND HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL!

Will check back in later...

Didn't mean to be brusque or rude. I think I'm starting to see where you're coming from. You're a competent, capable, educated, intelligent person who has achieved a great deal. It must be very difficult to come here- or anywhere (never mind a face to face Alanon meeting) and admit to others that there is a problem in your life that you are powerless to solve.
Sorry I read your post as arrogant and dismissive. You love your wife and you're worried about your family.
You live in a world ruled by logic and order. Alcoholism is a disease that is neither. Keep reading, especially if this is your first close encounter with addiction. As a medical professional, you could theoretically attend an open Alanon meeting as a medical observer and not divulge the real reason you were there. I second redatlanta's suggestion to go to a meeting. If not that, then something else.
I think that you might logically understand some aspects of alcoholism, but you still harbor secret hope that you can do something for your wife. You are a healer, a fixer and I think it's killing you not to be able to fix this.

Step One- We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

However, once this insight is gained, it is then indeed willpower on the part of the addict that is ALWAYS required to initiate and maintain sobriety, is it not? Isn't one of the main purposes of the Serenity Prayer, to a recovering addict, to strengthen his/her WILLPOWER for that day?? Of course it is.


Willpower is seldom enough to overcome addiction. Reprogamming the mind in early recovery is the basis of long term sobriety. Self destructive behaviors are a big part of the alcoholic which must be changed.

I guess another way to look at it is if someone must use willpower daily then eventually they will give in and fail. That's why willpower isn't enough. When I think if willpower and sobriety I tend to think more about dry drunks and whiteknucklers. Those who don't reprogram the mind DO use willpower on its own to not drink, and can succeed for lengths of time but eventually lose the battle.

My RAH doesn't even think about alcohol when he is working his program. It doesn't take the energy of willpower to not drink. When he is not working his program he does think about alcohol as we have unfortunately learned. It took willpower for him not to drink everyday so that he should prove he was no longer and alcoholic (his words). But that's another story.

The serenity prayer is not about willpower rather control. Here is a good synopsis taken from the Hazeldon Treatment Center Website.

Despite its brevity, the Serenity Prayer accurately expresses a central problem of addiction and prescribes a timeless solution. In its message about acceptance, it echoes insights from Bill W., cofounder of AA. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, (published by AA World Services), Bill described the core trait of alcoholics as self-centeredness -- something he called "self will run riot." He further described the alcoholic as "an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way." Bill's solution: "First of all, we had to quit playing God."
What some alcoholics seek to achieve is a sense of absolute control -- one that is simply not possible for human beings. This hankering for control has two aspects. First is an attempt to control the behavior of others, a strategy that addicts cling to despite its repeated failure. Second is the attempt to control feelings by medicating them with mood-altering chemicals. This strategy, too, is doomed to failure. Ironically, the quest for absolute control leads to misery, which may contribute to substance abuse problems.
On the other hand, for some alcoholics the need to control may be a response to the unmanageability caused by their out-of-control use of drugs. Either way, the Serenity Prayer speaks wisdom to addicts and non-addicts alike.
On one level, the prayer is about learning to accept external circumstances that we cannot change. But on a deeper level, the prayer points to a fact about our inner life: We cannot directly control our feelings. However, we can influence our feelings through two other factors we can control -- our thinking and our actions. Doing this moves us on to another quality described in the Serenity Prayer: courage.

For a second, I thought I was reading about a Dad and his daughter, not a man and his wife. From your post, you find her hiding spots and confront her, you've detected her drinking, you have no empathy for your weak willed wife, you are selfish and resentful, you're sick and tired of her and not willing to wait on her sobriety, you've warned her and told her again last night you are close to leaving....And you have drank with her several times.

What's your question?

When I joined the forum I was still living with my ex.
I tried an alanon meeting because I was desperate and everyone on the forum tells all the newbs repeatedly to go to a meeting. It sucked. There were three other older ladies all talking about their alcoholic adult children and my very kind friend who offered to go with me for support. I could not and did not talk about my ex who refused to stay sober long enough for me to wash the sheets from the last drunken black-out pee all over me in my sleep episode. I really wish I was exaggerating. I did not give alanon a proper chance and I don't know if I ever will but there is a huge part of me that wishes I would suck it up and go. I did read co-dependent no more(even though I totally thought it was gonna be some self-help nonsense that couldn't help, plus I was for reals embarrassed to read it in public). Co-dependent no more was like a band-aid for my broken dreams. It fixed nothing but for the first time since I realized my ex had a problem, I stopped bleeding.
I get not wanting anyone to know your personal biz. Not because I live in a small town and am a fairly well known person, but because I had a very high opinion of myself before I met my ex and he was making a joke of me on the daily.
It took eight months of reading the forum every day(sometimes all day) for me to leave my ex. One day all the "you will know when you are ready, when you can't take anymore, blah blah blah" clicked and I knew. I did not want to spend the rest of my life being treated in a way that was destroying my sense of self. I also, this is the biggest decision I've ever made, did not ever want to get peed on again. If you don't know what that's like consider yourself lucky. I'm not alone in the peed on by an alcoholic club. I mean yeah, it's kinda exclusive. You're ex has to be pretty wasted to pee on you once, and then he has to admit he doesn't care how much it is killing you to still be getting peed on after the fifth time.
Next time you take a shower turn the water as hot as you can stand and know that I stood under water likely hotter than that and it still wasn't hot enough for me to feel clean. One day I knew I was done. It's different for everybody. Every day I ask myself why I didn't leave the first time he peed. It was the first week we had moved in together and he didn't pee on me, just himself. I had to change his clothes. He never woke up. Why did I stay?! Probably because I thought I could save him with my love and my awesomeness because he was such a hot mess that would be so lost without me he'd be stuck sleeping in his own pee. And now thanks to this forum, I get that I should of left him in his pee pants.
I did download this speakers app on my iphone two weeks ago that has all these speeches from al-anon speakers and some are so amazing I cry and laugh and lose myself in my desire for more peace and understanding and recovery. Others I can't get past the first two minutes. It's the speakers that make me wish my ex peeing on me had really been my rock bottom because then I would of been so desperate I would of stuck it out with al-anon. I didn't leave for me. Not really. I left for my son. I don't want him growing up thinking my exs behavior is normal or acceptable and when it's all you know because you lived with it then you don't know any better and I had no right to do that to an innocent child. I don't know if I have a rock bottom when it comes to my ex. I thought we were soul mates. What kind of soul mate pees on you? The kind that will probably destroy you completely. Which still sounds super awesome to me. This is where I say progress not perfection and everyone laughs. Because being in love with an alcoholic is being in love with a handful of sand even if all you end up with is tiny little grains, you can find a way to be happy. Cuz if you found sand to hold then somewhere nearby there must be a beach. Or something equally hopeful in a waaaay too upbeat and positive spin on the reality of the situation.
No one wants to see anyone stay with an alcoholic longer than they should but that's because we all do it and the longer you stay, the longer you will need to recover. Or maybe it takes a lifetime to recover. I'm not sure yet but I do know I left my ex almost a year and a half ago and I'm still here and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon because when I don't focus on my recovery I slip back into being like the person I became after my ex peed on me, and that person is the worst version of me that I've ever known.
I'm sorry if this is really long. It's just that the whole al-anon thing is important and even though I don't go I know why it's important. You have the potential to build a support group of people who have the exact same or similar experiences and it's something that you will be doing just for you(if you're co-dependent then you're probably too focused on your alcoholic to realize you need support for what you're dealing with). Also, I think it helps you to realize very quickly that you and your alcoholic are not different from anyone else and their alcoholic and learning that as quickly as you can helps you to really listen to the very important information that all of the amazing people on this forum are willing to share with you to help you as best as they can.

SATOTS---there is a saying here--"take what you need and leave the rest". That is a good basic instruction...LOL! This forum has individuals from all walks of life and many different life stories. When you strip down the external differences--you find that we share the same basic human feelings. Because of this, you will find that we understand each others pain in a way that is even beyond words. It is a soft place to fall when we find ourselves lost in the forest and full of despair.

To me---I don't care if you do alanon meetings or not. I just care that you get support of some kind in a way that helps you. There are many ways to get support, as others have pointed out. I want you to learn the things that will help you--there is soo much to learn and we can point you in the right directions to find that knowledge.

You are entitled to your privacy and your concerns are understandable. You make your own decisions, at the end of the day--just like all the rest of us do.

As a matter of fact, I am a medical professional, myself. I can tell you that the families of physician's are not immune to the same kinds of human issues that are found in other families. (I suspect that this is not news to you, though). There is an old yiddish saying that if people put all of their problems in a paper bag and put them in a pile---if you could look into the other bags--you would take your own bag back!

My sister-in-law--a pediatric nephrologist---had a drinking issue several years ago. Her husband--an anesthesiologist---called me...and, I advised that she go to Hazeldon Treatment Center, in Minnesota. She did. She has been in recovery, ever since--still practicing in Fla. You might consider calling a counselor at Hazeldon and talking your wife's situation over with them. (I have no idea if your wife has ever been to rehab--but, that one is very highly regarded throughout the country). You might want to check out the l iterature that is published by Hazelden Publishing. Much excellent material that you might not have ever heard of. They also have a program for families.

I know that you wanted help and support or you would never have come here in the first place. Be patient, Doc, and try to keep an open mind and you will find it here--as so many others have.

You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Welcome SATOTS! Sorry for your situation, but as many have stated, this site will definitely help you.

I would 'ditto' what Dandylion said. I just dropped my AW off at Hazelden this past Saturday, after years of secret drinking, 12 detoxes, and 3 failed rehabs. In speaking with their staff and counselors, I am impressed with their approach in dealing with the psychiatric component as well as the physical. I am hoping and praying this may make the difference in helping my wife get her life back. Time will tell, and I'll let you all know how it goes.

Best to you and your family, but look into getting the help YOU need, but also find a well-regarded program that will help your wife. This is an absolute- she will not find meaningful recovery on her own- this disease is insidious and unrelenting.

Welcome SATOTS,

Glad you found this board for support! I understand your concerns being a health care professional and not wanting people to know. I too am a well-respected health care professional as is my AH in our community. For a long time I would only do online meetings and this chat board because I felt the same kind of isolation and shame associated with my AH's "issues". Fortunately for me that is no longer the case.

I have learned a lot about the disease both professionally and personally since my spouse has it. I have learned it is a disease and to accept it as such and not be shamed by it. My husband being an alcoholic has absolutely no reflection on my character. Al-anon is for the family of alcoholics and has helped me tremendously.This in turn helps my kids. Tools I have learned through Al-anon I have taught to my children as coping mechanisms and healthy ways of living. My AH refuses to seek treatment (im sure in part because he is a health care professional and the "stigma" associated with it) and he will be served with divorce papers this week.

Just know Al-anon has online meetings, facebook meetings, email meetings, phone meetings and you can purchase the material from Amazon or the Al-anon webiste bookstore. There are plenty of ways to participate without having to go to a face to face meeting. Just google the above and you will see how to join any or all of the above. For me it helped tremendously and finally led me to a face to face meeting where I was welcomed with open arms and to this day remains confidential in our community.

Good luck to you! Keep posting!

I don't get it, you say "At the present time, when she does drink, she seems to be limiting herself to an amount that she thinks she can get away with - that is, there has not been another occasion where she drinks herself into oblivion." Then that is followed by "I told her last night (after coming home to her drunk - again) that I am very, very close to leaving..." Which is it? Sounds like you know your answer... move out and take your little girl. Nothing will change unless there are consequences and even with consequences she may never change.

Dandylion - thank you so much for posting that link. Great articles with excellent information!!

Charmed---I am delighted that you found the material useful. I frequently recommend this to newbies, because I found this material really helped me view the alcoholic and their disease from a different (more helpful) perspective.

dandylion