EmmyG

I'm so, so low right now.

I've been in bed with the flu for 3 days. Finally got out of bed yesterday to go get my mom flowers. I was feeling so terrible I brought the boys over to see their dad and went to sleep in the back bedroom. I noticed a little gift box on the table and thought maybe he had remembered Mother's Day. Or maybe that tomorrow is our 7th wedding anniversary. This morning of course I realized he totally didn't acknowledge it. I started crying and he told me to get my things and get out and he doesn't have time for my "****."

I'm so sad. I'm still pretty sick so I know that's part of it. But it hurts. I don't want to get up for work tomorrow. I gave him so much and he thinks that little of me. That says something about me, I know it has to. I am pathetic.

Neverlookback

You are not pathetic, never think that way about yourself, you sound like like an honest and genuine person and that is priceless these days.

dandylion

EmmyG---it is natural and human to want love---all us humans want it. But, it hurts so dam* bad when the ones we want it from just kick us in the face.

I feel so bad for you. Just today--on another thread--we were discussing "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread".

It is Mother's Day. Try to feel the love that is between you and them!!

dandylion

suki44883

Oh, Emma...his cruelty says NOTHING about you. It says EVERYTHING about him. Please don't fell like you deserve this. You do not! You did nothing to deserve it. (((HUGS)))

EmmyG

It just feels so bad. I shouldn't have expected anything. I don't care if it costs nothing and it's a simple flower or a card. It's just acknowledgement. I've bent over backwards for this man and been the only person there for him at times, and the one there in his darkest times. And I've always taken good care of his children. It just hurts that he gives no thought to my feelings whatsoever.

dandylion

EmmyG--I "get" your pain--and I would bet that everyone on this forum does, too!!!

There is nothing fair in a relationship with an addict (or narcissist). No equity, like in a normal healthy marriage. That is just another fact about the pathology that goes with this disease.

Looking for "fair" in such a relationship is l ike thinking that the bull wont attack you just because you are vegan!!

dandylion

EmmyG

I'm just so angry at myself for marrying someone like him. When we were dating, he was the exact opposite of this. When we first got married, he would send me the sweetest notes all the time. Now he's a complete jerk and the father of my kids.

It just makes it worse that my family isn't really there for me emotionally to talk to. My sister and her husband just bought a house and her husband probably did something nice for her today. I'm just having a pity party.

dandylion

Emmy---I think that anger and sadness are predictable stages that one goes through in the whole process of having the curtains pulled back.....predictable stages that will eventually pass.

Keep your eyes on the prize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Charmed3

I am so sorry Emmy. My A was the same during dating. 5 years in the drinking/pills started and it has been all down hill from there.

We all understand how much the special days mean and the pain that is felt when they do nothing and always take.

Happy Mother's Day sweetie, it sounds like you are a really good Mom and your mothers day gift every year is your beautiful children..

EmmyG

So this gets better? Where do I start on working on myself? You know the sad part, he has had doctor's appointments lately because of a medical issue and the seizure he had and I took time off from work to take him to an appt. which meant I cancelled my therapy appointment. I guess that's the only thing I can do right now. I'm an emotional wreck. It's like I was a zombie for 5 years and I just woke up and I'm overwhelmed with grief. I don't want to ruin my babies' lives. I want to be happy for them because they deserve nothing less. Where do I begin?

anykey

Get well. It is no fun to have the flu.

Fathom

Oh my goodness, Dandylion! That is a great analogy. Dying of laughter right now!

Emmy, Suki is right. When others are mean and cruel, it has nothing to do with anyone but themselves. You are sick, so you are tired (exhausted, more like). You want comforted and acknowledged, and that is reasonable. You come here for that and that is smart! Do you know why? Because most of us are in better shape emotionally than your husband. We can give you comfort without strings attached. Keep working on getting yourself healthier (physically and emotionally) and you'll start to see healthier people around you locally too.

Try to sleep, drink lots of water and good broth, think about how many people in this world love you and wish you well. There's a lot more of us than you're thinking right now.

Peace,
Fathom

suki44883

You begin by stopping bending over backward for him. You begin by making yourself and your children your priority. You begin by limiting contact with him to just basic necessary contact regarding your mutual children.

The more time you spend away from him, the more clear your mind will become. You KNOW this marriage is not going to last, so start now doing the important things for yourself and your children. Your children need you. He doesn't.

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry Emmy for your pain. Please keep your distance from this abusive jerk until you gain some clarity and strength to see him for what he is. The more trauma you experience, the harder it can be to let go.

Honor yourself today. You are a great mother, you don't need his validation. You certainly don't need his "attention." It's way too toxic.

Letting go is so much easier, holding on is what destroys us more and more. You deserve so much better.

P.S. They all act wonderful in the beginning. It's how they hooked us.

LoveMeNow

Start by becoming a woman who loved somebody so much that it hurt, to a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain.

Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot has been a great tool for me.

Fandy

I'm sorry that you feel so terrible and are sick....I've heard that the flu is making a second round for some people this spring.

But you've learned from this experience....Do NOT cancel your appointments so he can go to his...he doesn't appreciate it, let him take care of his own health.

Do NOT "go to sleep in the back bedroom" of HIS house...if you are sick, get home to your own bed, at least you will wake up feeling safe....this is the man that tried to CHOKE YOU last month.

when it comes to him, lower your expectations, he is just a jerk...like it was said above, limit your contact....and if he is now driving, he can come and pick the kids up, especially if you are sick...you don't have be at his beck and call to be called names and be made to feel bad...He is not worthy of your attention and it sounds like he gets some sick satisfaction out of hurting your feelings.

Happy mother's day to YOU...you do not know what your sister and brother in law are doing, you cannot project their life, they might not be doing anything exciting and perfect either.
You have the chance to make your own life, look ahead to that.

inpieces314

So, so sad. We have all been through this. And it's horrible.

Some of us have gotten through it and guess what? The grass really is greener on the other side. Some of us know this, and are still working on getting there. Some of us are just struggling (but we will see the light eventually).

It's different for everyone. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't see this coming; if you did, you wouldn't have had anything to do with him from the beginning. Duh-why would you purposely do this to you and your kids? All you can do now is move forward. For you, and for your kids. Not him.

You got this, and you got us.

EmmyG

Thank you all. He called to apologize and when I went to pick up the boys they had made me breakfast. I took them home and just thought about how all that matters is I have two beautiful, healthy boys who love me to pieces. I shouldn't be looking to AH to fulfill me emotionally. He is too wrapped up in his own messy life to think about anyone else, so he has no business having a loving woman in his life. I just need to remind myself that it's not about me. I will never have a real partner in him in the state he's in. And that may well be forever. And I just need to accept that.

Designgrl

I think that's the hard part...accepting that the spouse we choose to share our lives and dreams with are not capable of doing this with us. It's very sad and confusing that something such as alcohol, can cause such destruction in people's lives.

stella27

I remembered today how XAH told me that I wasn't HIS mother, so why did he need to do anything for me on Mother's Day. My God, I am so glad to be out of that bulls$%#.