Update: I Am Third
 

I have been taking steps to get my life back...I just moved to an apartment today. I finally moved from the house I shared with separated AH. I think maybe subconsciously, as long as I stayed there, there was maybe a hope that he would come home one day?

Anyhow, I am not in a good financial position after my illness. I was proud of myself because I make good money but my credit is poor but because I had a good reference from my employer and documented my illness to explain credit issues I was able to find an apt to let me pay half deposit and spread rest over time. I got the apartment all by myself without ever even mentioning a word to separated AH. Finally I had to tell him because our 6 year old had been to new place with me and I knew she would be mentioning it. He seemed surprised that I made all the arrangements. I called movers because I dont have the physical ability to endure still which is a side effect of chemo. My equilibrium is off and I dont have physical strength that I used to. So he offered to move me to save me the moving expense. I asked a few friends thoughts and all of them knowing how bad I have struggled financially sad its not a bad idea and he offered and think of it as helping our daughter, etc. So I took him up on it.

Today was hell. I was belittled. I was called stupid idiot. The way I packed wasnt right, I didnt unpack fast enough. He broke a lamp and dinged my dining room table to where its obvious and he said "oh well" and I should be grateful for his help! I felt like saying "this is what you SHOULD be doing!!"

In and out of tears todat. Im a bad mom according to him, etc...He literally said I should be moved on already because he "left my a$$" 2 years ago right before mothers day, etc...i am sorry! For a year and a half of that time I was fighting for my life.

I am upset tonight. I am upset for so many reasons. Mainly because I let him in to help and expected he would be a normal human being when i know he is an active A and progressively getting worse all the time. I think basically he is just threatened I am moving forward! Seriously, he was probably so surprised I had everything arranged without him and the money I would have spent on movers would have avoided this emotional drama.

It is so hard to hear him continue to be verbally, emotionally abusive! I hate knowing that he still has the ability to make me come unglued. I just need to get further and further away from him and I guess this apartment was a great new start. I know it will get better. I just feel like I went through WWIII right now.

Awwww, sorry Iamthird. Congrats on your new place and your new start.

That verbally and emotionally abusive jerk just showed you why your are moving on and starting new. Leave him behind and with the old, where he belongs.

That sounds like an awful day. I'm so sorry he treated you that way, and I agree with LoveMeNow--He has shown you again why you left in the first place. You've taken very big steps towards living your life independently from him, and yet as codies, we sometimes let our guard down and get stuck in the temporary illusion that a small dose of our A, for the right reasons (helping you move and seeing where your daughter will live), could be beneficial.

It takes time to instill our boundaries, but you have so many reasons to be proud of yourself right now. I would look at this as an opportunity to think to yourself, I tried letting him in, it didn't go well, and I won't do it again under the same circums.tances. Big HUGS

Sounds like he can't even be decent about anything. I'm sorry to hear it and about the horrid day you had!! He's probably belittling you because of how bad he feels over what he did. It's pretty classic from what my own counselor said after my divorce. My ex would use any and every excuse to make me sound like an idiot and to criticize me so that he could feel better about himself. I finally completely cut him off.

I realize you can't because of your child, but perhaps only communicate by e-mail and only about childcare arrangements?

I hope that now that you have a place of your own, you can truly begin to heal! I'm happy that you now have your own safe and serene haven just for you!!

iamthird---this man just doesn't have what it takes to be your life partner--if a happy life is what you want, that is.... I think in a weird, semi-twisted way....he did you a favor, today, by reminding you of this. Wouldn't it be harder if he had been all puppy-dog sweet while you were moving out of the house?! As Mic Jagger would remind us--"we don't always get what we want...but, sometimes, we get what we need".

As Seren said---being in your new place will provide for some rapid-phase healing.

Enjoy your new home and savor that the best times are yet to come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Gosh I am so sorry you had to go through that.
You deserve better people in your life.
He is still the *!@# he always was & you are better off without him.
Good on you for organising this place yourself, it is a step forward.
Acknowledge your feelings, feel them, then let them go.
You can do this.
Hugs.

And NOW . . . it is over?

And tomorrow is a New Day?

Congrats on the New Apartment.

Grow Well and Do Good there.

Goodnight, Sweet Dreams.

Congratulations on your own place! Very happy for you. And ugh, sorry you went through that awful episode with him. I always felt run over by a truck. Big hugs, praying for peace and health for you. I know you'll get better.

I'm so sorry, Iamthird. I have very firm boundaries where my AXH is concerned. Every time I let them down - even if only to answer a question from him - I am reminded of why I have to have them.

Settle in, make this home your own. Enjoy it as a new start and a sign of how far you've come and how little you need him in your life.

AXH just unhinges me. I trigger from interactions that would cause others to say "what's the big deal?" Quite simply, I have lived with what the big deal is. I know better than to engage with him and sometimes I have to be reminded of why I let him go and why the children and I moved away.

There just aren't any good interactions between XAH and me. He does not have my interests at heart and he never did. The best I can hope for is uneventful and the worst is abusive. And I go forward informed from now on.

Oh my goodness, I am Third. You deserve a big hug today for enduring that!! Dont let his selfish and idiodic words get to you. You are smart, beautiful, loving person who deserves to be appreciated for your qualities. Your daughter is very lucky to have you. It is natural to want to have a relationship with your child's father if nothing more than to parent more effectively and it seems he is trying to burn every bridge that you form. Don't buy in to his alcoholic quacks! He is unfortunately preying on your weaknesses and bullying you. Recognize his words for what they are.... quack, quack, quack. No one deserves to be treated in the manner you were. When you are stronger it may help to set a boundary. If he is not going to respect you, then he needs to leave. It will be much easier to do this now that you have your own place. Sometimes when you stand up to bullies and they see it doesnt affect you the way they want, they stop. Surround yourself with all the people who appreciate you and make you feel good about yourself.

Hugs from me!!

Big mistake for having HIM be the one to "help" you. I guess you're paying for that mistake and am sorry about that! But now that you have your own place, you have your freedom. Please limit your contact and have it be ONLY about your child and only be by email or text or never in person if you can help it. CONGRATS on your new found freedom!

I am SO sorry you had such a bad day. I agree with others, he continues to prove that he is not worthy of you. Hopefully by today you're a little more settled in and things are calmed down.
I wish you much healing and serenity in your new place.

He's a d***!!!

Healing prayers and continued recovery for you in your new sanctuary!

I was away last weekend and my RAH washed and cleaned out my car. He did a lovely job. Which I told him several times. Yesterday morning he asked me about a scratch on the right side of the car. I drive this car or sit in the passenger seat 95% of the time. I have no idea how that scratch got on the back right door. I finally gave in and found the scratch after work last night. It isn't too bad. But why is a scratch even asked about like that? I finally realized I was in too good of a mood. He had to bring me down. I really operate on a happier level than he does. I was full throttle happy and he was going to work to bring me down with little swipes and concerns.

Do something to make you happy. Buy some flowers for that scratched table. Hugs! You are going to bloom having your own place!

I am so sorry you had such a terrible time moving. On what could have been a day of relief and celebration that you stood strong.

However,

You are in your very, own place. You can celebrate today, forgetting the yesterdays.

I am sorry the move was terrible (what a jerk), however, so happy you are moving forward in your own life! Don't look back, only forward!