Ironic Timing: Abandon before Mother's Day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Dallas
Posts: 5
Ironic Timing: Abandon before Mother's Day
Hello,
Without going into all of the details, I made the most difficult decision of my life yesterday afternoon. Specifically, I left my mother in an area Wal-Mart parking lot with approx. $1,000 in cash, numerous misc. items, including clothes and food she thought she would need/want to move in with me, and her SUV I paid off two years ago.
For approx. three years, she has continued to drink one to two liters of vodka every two to three days. At the beginning she made an effort to hide it, however now she doesn't care to even attempt to mislead anyone about her alcohol consumption.
She is hateful when drunk, makes numerous comments that are extremely inappropriate, and embarrasses me all the time. (She even peed in public during the daylight in front of one of the storage cameras while I moved her stuff into storage. She simply pulled her skirt up and peed like a dog without any reservation.) I begged her not to drink prior to my wedding two years ago. She chose to be completely drunk during the son-mother dance. When she was evicted from her apartment I pleaded with her to be sober the day I helped her move then too, but she decided to ignore me again. And, most recently, two days ago, when she was formally evicted from her house, she was in a drunken state the whole time.
She can barely walk because of addiction to alcohol. She hardly eats anything. Matter of fact, three days ago she had "one tomato" the whole day, two days ago she was full after four crackers, and yesterday when I bought her McDonald's for breakfast, she had one bite before telling me she was done.
She throws up every morning (she told me this has been going on for six months), experiences runny stools, and has lost a tremendous amount of weight - she looks unhealthy.
For the past two years shes been unemployed living in her house (763 days without payment) watching cable tv, browsing the internet, and living off food stamps. Ironically, the family, including myself, continued to play "pass the bills" for months. I paid her utility bill numerous times as well other bills. I argued with her about the cable bill and luxury items (expensive meat, ordering out, and alcohol and cigarettes).
In addition to the above, I have taken her to church with my wife and I numerous times when we come up to visit, I both invited and attended an AA meeting with her last Christmas (she showed up drunk in a skirt), and performed misc. tasks for her around the house (mow the yard, fix this fix that).
Anyway, the bank told her if she did not have all of her belongings out by yesterday morning then they would immediately become property of the bank. Therefore, I immediately drove up from Texas and moved everything into a storage unit. Her brother and father, both who live in Missouri as well, want nothing to do with her and had no plans to at least save her possessions.
I told her how much I loved her, how I secured everything in an area storage unit (she has a key), and how much I want her to quit drinking alcohol. I told her that moving into my Dallas apartment will not help her, but continue to enable her poor behavior and decisions that stem from her addiction to alcohol. I also told her for the past two years myself as well as others have done nothing but enable her by paying her bills and vehicle. Lastly, I told I could no longer take the emotional abuse of her alcoholic ways, and hopped out of the SUV. Importantly, I also gave her $1,000 cash to do whatever she wanted to: weekly motel, use as gas money, etc. Around the block, I had a friend pick me up and drop me off at the airport where I immediately flew back to Texas. Since then, she has called me 100 times, as well as others in the area. Everyone is refusing to take her calls, except one of her local girlfriends whose already texted me nasty grams concerning my decision to abandon her. Allegedly, my mother is going to drive down to Dallas tomorrow (she does have my address), but I suspect she isn't since she cannot go long without a drink.
Oh, by the way, she has left me numerous voicemails, but I immediately delete them. I do not want to listen to them, whereas I'm sure she is either cussing me out or trying to kiss my butt because she hasn't a place to stay.
Believe me, I left out a lot of details, but I'm very sad I did what I did, but I really believe it was the only decision left I could make to possible help her with her addiction.
Happy Mother's Day . .
Without going into all of the details, I made the most difficult decision of my life yesterday afternoon. Specifically, I left my mother in an area Wal-Mart parking lot with approx. $1,000 in cash, numerous misc. items, including clothes and food she thought she would need/want to move in with me, and her SUV I paid off two years ago.
For approx. three years, she has continued to drink one to two liters of vodka every two to three days. At the beginning she made an effort to hide it, however now she doesn't care to even attempt to mislead anyone about her alcohol consumption.
She is hateful when drunk, makes numerous comments that are extremely inappropriate, and embarrasses me all the time. (She even peed in public during the daylight in front of one of the storage cameras while I moved her stuff into storage. She simply pulled her skirt up and peed like a dog without any reservation.) I begged her not to drink prior to my wedding two years ago. She chose to be completely drunk during the son-mother dance. When she was evicted from her apartment I pleaded with her to be sober the day I helped her move then too, but she decided to ignore me again. And, most recently, two days ago, when she was formally evicted from her house, she was in a drunken state the whole time.
She can barely walk because of addiction to alcohol. She hardly eats anything. Matter of fact, three days ago she had "one tomato" the whole day, two days ago she was full after four crackers, and yesterday when I bought her McDonald's for breakfast, she had one bite before telling me she was done.
She throws up every morning (she told me this has been going on for six months), experiences runny stools, and has lost a tremendous amount of weight - she looks unhealthy.
For the past two years shes been unemployed living in her house (763 days without payment) watching cable tv, browsing the internet, and living off food stamps. Ironically, the family, including myself, continued to play "pass the bills" for months. I paid her utility bill numerous times as well other bills. I argued with her about the cable bill and luxury items (expensive meat, ordering out, and alcohol and cigarettes).
In addition to the above, I have taken her to church with my wife and I numerous times when we come up to visit, I both invited and attended an AA meeting with her last Christmas (she showed up drunk in a skirt), and performed misc. tasks for her around the house (mow the yard, fix this fix that).
Anyway, the bank told her if she did not have all of her belongings out by yesterday morning then they would immediately become property of the bank. Therefore, I immediately drove up from Texas and moved everything into a storage unit. Her brother and father, both who live in Missouri as well, want nothing to do with her and had no plans to at least save her possessions.
I told her how much I loved her, how I secured everything in an area storage unit (she has a key), and how much I want her to quit drinking alcohol. I told her that moving into my Dallas apartment will not help her, but continue to enable her poor behavior and decisions that stem from her addiction to alcohol. I also told her for the past two years myself as well as others have done nothing but enable her by paying her bills and vehicle. Lastly, I told I could no longer take the emotional abuse of her alcoholic ways, and hopped out of the SUV. Importantly, I also gave her $1,000 cash to do whatever she wanted to: weekly motel, use as gas money, etc. Around the block, I had a friend pick me up and drop me off at the airport where I immediately flew back to Texas. Since then, she has called me 100 times, as well as others in the area. Everyone is refusing to take her calls, except one of her local girlfriends whose already texted me nasty grams concerning my decision to abandon her. Allegedly, my mother is going to drive down to Dallas tomorrow (she does have my address), but I suspect she isn't since she cannot go long without a drink.
Oh, by the way, she has left me numerous voicemails, but I immediately delete them. I do not want to listen to them, whereas I'm sure she is either cussing me out or trying to kiss my butt because she hasn't a place to stay.
Believe me, I left out a lot of details, but I'm very sad I did what I did, but I really believe it was the only decision left I could make to possible help her with her addiction.
Happy Mother's Day . .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Wow, I can just imagine the guilt that you are going through now. Just know, you did the best that you can previously. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, just know, you didn't cause it, it can't cure it, and there was nothing you could do to change things.
Your mom chose this herself. I can't imagine ever going to my son's wedding drunk.
Just ((((((((hugs))))))))))), and maybe this opened her eyes. You sound like such a loving son who just couldn't take it anymore.
Your mom chose this herself. I can't imagine ever going to my son's wedding drunk.
Just ((((((((hugs))))))))))), and maybe this opened her eyes. You sound like such a loving son who just couldn't take it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This is actually more helpful than all the bill paying and care taking you have done over the past several years. Enabling is disabling. Take care of yourself. Like Amy and NTM said, she has brought these consequences about with her own choices. So sorry this was necessary.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
You did one of the hardest things that anyone can ever do.
((((((( hugs ))))))))
Are you doing anything to help yourself deal with the emotional difficulty of this? Sober Recovery is a fantastic place for support, but I also found lifesaving help from Alanon. Have you ever thought about attending any meetings?
((((((( hugs ))))))))
Are you doing anything to help yourself deal with the emotional difficulty of this? Sober Recovery is a fantastic place for support, but I also found lifesaving help from Alanon. Have you ever thought about attending any meetings?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I haven't spoken to my AM in two years. Her ABF told family members he was going to drive her across the country to see the grandkids I am "wrongfully" keeping from her. But like your AM, neither of them could function enough to get here. You've made the best decision for everyone involved. It's difficult now, but over time it gets easier to wake up in the morning without even thinking about her or your situation. I will likely never see my AM alive or talk to her again, and I am at peace with it. Honestly. She has made choices for her own life, and I have made choices for mine in order to protect myself and my kids. There's no reason to feel guilty for that. (((Hugs)))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I know that none of us can talk you out of feeling guilty, but I honestly believe you and the rest of the family have done everything possible. If her 'friend' really feels bad, then she should let your mother move in with her, but I doubt that will happen.
I agree with the idea of perhaps letting her know that others will help if she truly wants to seek treatment, but none of you will subsidize her 24/7 cable/internet surfing drunk fest any longer (the lifestyle my stepson so very much wanted to live *sigh*).
In a way, your actions may indeed be what brings her to the realization that she desperately needs to do something to help herself. I hope so. I'll be praying for your mother and your family.
I agree with the idea of perhaps letting her know that others will help if she truly wants to seek treatment, but none of you will subsidize her 24/7 cable/internet surfing drunk fest any longer (the lifestyle my stepson so very much wanted to live *sigh*).
In a way, your actions may indeed be what brings her to the realization that she desperately needs to do something to help herself. I hope so. I'll be praying for your mother and your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I can understand the guilt.
The story concerning my alcoholic father is similar. It is also long and complicated.
When I was going through the most difficult parts, I kept telling myself that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
There came a point were I had to protect myself and my family.
I did as much as I could and then I visualized placing him in the hands of his higher power.
It was hard and it was sad. I did love my father, but for whatever reasons he was never able to overcome his alcoholism. That is just how his life played out.
People who haven't been in this situation with their parents simply don't understand, but there are many people who have and do understand how hard it is.
Sending positive thoughts and strength you.
db
The story concerning my alcoholic father is similar. It is also long and complicated.
When I was going through the most difficult parts, I kept telling myself that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it.
There came a point were I had to protect myself and my family.
I did as much as I could and then I visualized placing him in the hands of his higher power.
It was hard and it was sad. I did love my father, but for whatever reasons he was never able to overcome his alcoholism. That is just how his life played out.
People who haven't been in this situation with their parents simply don't understand, but there are many people who have and do understand how hard it is.
Sending positive thoughts and strength you.
db
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
medstudent---I commend you for the strength to do what you needed to do. If she were to ask for help for the alcoholism---perhaps a long-term---at least 3 months---rehab facility...followed by a sober-living home would be an option. You might want to have a phone conversation with a counselor from such a facility. The good ones will be willing to talk to you about the options. You might also contact the Counsel on Aging--to find resources for addiction services in the aging population.
With empathy,
dandylion
With empathy,
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You did something incredibly hard but healthy and sane and wise for YOU.
Your mother knows AA exists and can find rehab if she wants it.
I don't think anything you do other than doing just what you've done is going to help her.
And I think that you have incredible strength and integrity and compassion and love to have acted as you have.
Your mother wants to be enabled and will surely offer that she will go to rehab if only you will help her. I would continue to be no contact and let her figure this out herself.
If she wants help she will get it.
Take good care of yourself and focus on your family (you said you're recently married right?).
Your mother knows AA exists and can find rehab if she wants it.
I don't think anything you do other than doing just what you've done is going to help her.
And I think that you have incredible strength and integrity and compassion and love to have acted as you have.
Your mother wants to be enabled and will surely offer that she will go to rehab if only you will help her. I would continue to be no contact and let her figure this out herself.
If she wants help she will get it.
Take good care of yourself and focus on your family (you said you're recently married right?).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Dallas
Posts: 5
My wife's parents live in the same town as my mother. As you might suspect, she called everyone 100 times, including her parents. Well, despite telling my in-laws not to answer the phone, my mother-in-law did just that on accident.
Now, my mother is living with my wife's parents. Her father, a doctor, brought home a wheel chair from his office because she has difficulty walking. I have never been so angry in my whole life. Words cannot express the hate I have toward my mother for getting my wife's parents involved.
Just a few minutes ago I finally found out why they did exactly what I asked them not to do. My mother called the local police department and filed a complaint against me for "stealing" her check. Moreover, she called the title company and had them cancel the check and reissue her another one.
The deal was that I would help her move, thus giving her the difference in cash. I paid for a U-Haul for two days, plus gas, a storage unit, moving supplies, put gas in her car, bought her smokes, and a lot more. At the end of day, I spent approx. $2,100. Thus, I gave her the difference.
Before leaving the title company, (this check was considered "push" money, to assist persons still living in foreclosed homes to move out), I asked her to endorse the check over to me, where I immediately took it to my local branch.
My father-in-law allegedly convinced her to drop the charges as well as not cancel the check because what I did saved her tons of money (which is true, moving quotes were well in excess of $2,000 dollars, excluding a storage unit paid in full for months).
Thank you for your support, however words cannot express the hate, anger, and distrust I have toward my mother. As much as I love my in-laws, I am so embarrassed and disappointed in how my mother has manipulated them thus far.
This could not have come at a better time, especially during finals.
Now, my mother is living with my wife's parents. Her father, a doctor, brought home a wheel chair from his office because she has difficulty walking. I have never been so angry in my whole life. Words cannot express the hate I have toward my mother for getting my wife's parents involved.
Just a few minutes ago I finally found out why they did exactly what I asked them not to do. My mother called the local police department and filed a complaint against me for "stealing" her check. Moreover, she called the title company and had them cancel the check and reissue her another one.
The deal was that I would help her move, thus giving her the difference in cash. I paid for a U-Haul for two days, plus gas, a storage unit, moving supplies, put gas in her car, bought her smokes, and a lot more. At the end of day, I spent approx. $2,100. Thus, I gave her the difference.
Before leaving the title company, (this check was considered "push" money, to assist persons still living in foreclosed homes to move out), I asked her to endorse the check over to me, where I immediately took it to my local branch.
My father-in-law allegedly convinced her to drop the charges as well as not cancel the check because what I did saved her tons of money (which is true, moving quotes were well in excess of $2,000 dollars, excluding a storage unit paid in full for months).
Thank you for your support, however words cannot express the hate, anger, and distrust I have toward my mother. As much as I love my in-laws, I am so embarrassed and disappointed in how my mother has manipulated them thus far.
This could not have come at a better time, especially during finals.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Oh WOW medstudent. Now the in-laws are involved 
You really need to be totally upfront and honest with them letting them know they are enabling her further and if they are choosing to take her on as their project that you will have NOTHING to do with it. This is ON THEM.
You really need to be totally upfront and honest with them letting them know they are enabling her further and if they are choosing to take her on as their project that you will have NOTHING to do with it. This is ON THEM.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Like Refiner said, let your wifes parents know what your mother is like. Send them the post you posted initially here. They cant enable her-- or I guess they can but it's BS that they have been suckered into this with her.
As for your mom calling the police, you can easily explain the facts... She can call the police all she wants. It doesn't make what she is saying true.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
As for your mom calling the police, you can easily explain the facts... She can call the police all she wants. It doesn't make what she is saying true.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
I just want to say: "Well done". As most have said.. you did NOT do this, your mother chose to allow this to happen to herself. Hopefully , she will get it this time.
Didn't read about the in-laws; I am sorry for that, however, perhaps they will have to learn on their own. Med: being embarrassed because of your mother, is probably what causes you to break down in the first place. It's that "I don't want to cause a scene" that some of us live with. It will be hard- it is always hard. See if you can get some trusted people at your church to spend some time with you and help get you through it?
Stay posted..
Didn't read about the in-laws; I am sorry for that, however, perhaps they will have to learn on their own. Med: being embarrassed because of your mother, is probably what causes you to break down in the first place. It's that "I don't want to cause a scene" that some of us live with. It will be hard- it is always hard. See if you can get some trusted people at your church to spend some time with you and help get you through it?
Stay posted..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Dallas
Posts: 5
Perhaps this was out of line, but because my Uncle and Grandfather in Saint Louis did not answer their phones, I sent the following message. And please understand I am not bashing Catholics, but all my Uncle talks about is helping the poor, handing homeless people money, and etc. . . So perhaps you can see why I'm frustrated?
"XXXX plans to call both you and XXXX tonight. Is there a good reason as to why [my mom's] living with [my wife's] parents and not her brother and father? I thought Catholics pride themselves on helping the poor and indigent? Is there an exclusion toward one's own family? I've done more than my part helping [my mom] by moving her stuff by myself into a storage unit, and [my wife's] parents should not have to play the role of [my mom's] father."
Uncle's Response: "Really? You want to go to that level?"
Me: "All I am saying is that I'm extremely disappointed in how both you and [my grandfather] have handled the situation. Because of this, I have lost respect for both of you. I tried to call you and speak to you directly over the phone like a man should, but I couldn't get in touch with you. I know you have your own life, and I have my own, but my wife's parents should not be involved at all. At a minimum I expected the family to join in my decision to quit enabling her, and half expected you and [grandfather] to tell my wife's parents you will drive down and remove the situation."
He subsequently text calling me numerous curse words, as well as reminded me that my mother is "YOUR mother" and not his . . . So . . .
The only reason why I posted this message was to be transparent in how I've handled it thus far. Words cannot express the anger I have toward my mother and both her brother and father.
I respect my in-laws for calming her down enough to have her reinstate the check so I may be reimbursed, but I do feel slighted in the sense that them "helping" is undermining what I tried to do to begin with. . .
"XXXX plans to call both you and XXXX tonight. Is there a good reason as to why [my mom's] living with [my wife's] parents and not her brother and father? I thought Catholics pride themselves on helping the poor and indigent? Is there an exclusion toward one's own family? I've done more than my part helping [my mom] by moving her stuff by myself into a storage unit, and [my wife's] parents should not have to play the role of [my mom's] father."
Uncle's Response: "Really? You want to go to that level?"
Me: "All I am saying is that I'm extremely disappointed in how both you and [my grandfather] have handled the situation. Because of this, I have lost respect for both of you. I tried to call you and speak to you directly over the phone like a man should, but I couldn't get in touch with you. I know you have your own life, and I have my own, but my wife's parents should not be involved at all. At a minimum I expected the family to join in my decision to quit enabling her, and half expected you and [grandfather] to tell my wife's parents you will drive down and remove the situation."
He subsequently text calling me numerous curse words, as well as reminded me that my mother is "YOUR mother" and not his . . . So . . .
The only reason why I posted this message was to be transparent in how I've handled it thus far. Words cannot express the anger I have toward my mother and both her brother and father.
I respect my in-laws for calming her down enough to have her reinstate the check so I may be reimbursed, but I do feel slighted in the sense that them "helping" is undermining what I tried to do to begin with. . .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
But medstudent, what are THEY supposed to do with her?? (your uncle and gfather). You did say you thought you'd be joined by family in stopping the enabling of her. Looks like they stopped long ago. If they came to her rescue, wouldn't that be enabling her? Looks like your wife's parents took on this enabling role themselves. That's ON THEM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Back away from the phone, the computer, the situation in general.
You have done what you could do and much more than you had to. Now it is time to let it go. For you sanity and the sanity of your family.
If anyone wants to help her, that is their business, if anyone does not want to help her, that is their business.
My mother is not an alcoholic but she is a narcissist. I am in the process now of trying to get her to willingly leave my home. It is frustrating but I have to have patience. I am staying as far away as I can in my own home. She has gotten my daughter involved and I explained to my daughter what I was going through and why I made the decision. I told her she would not hear from me again on this subject as my mind is not going to waver or change. I do not have to explain myself or make others understand. I told her it was up to her how involved she wanted to be but she does have the right to say she does not want to be involved. What she does with it from here on is her business.
Let it go. Pray and go on with your life. If people call you, text you or email you about your mother. Kindly but firmly let them know you are no longer involved.
You have done what you could do and much more than you had to. Now it is time to let it go. For you sanity and the sanity of your family.
If anyone wants to help her, that is their business, if anyone does not want to help her, that is their business.
My mother is not an alcoholic but she is a narcissist. I am in the process now of trying to get her to willingly leave my home. It is frustrating but I have to have patience. I am staying as far away as I can in my own home. She has gotten my daughter involved and I explained to my daughter what I was going through and why I made the decision. I told her she would not hear from me again on this subject as my mind is not going to waver or change. I do not have to explain myself or make others understand. I told her it was up to her how involved she wanted to be but she does have the right to say she does not want to be involved. What she does with it from here on is her business.
Let it go. Pray and go on with your life. If people call you, text you or email you about your mother. Kindly but firmly let them know you are no longer involved.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Have you thought about having her committed? If
she is indanger of harming herself, placing herself
in danger, authorities can pick her up and thru a
court oder have her committed for a physcological
evaluation and place her in treatment or halfway
house.
My family intervened on me having the
authorities pick me up and spent 28 days
in rehab.
Just passing on some thoughts ur way.
she is indanger of harming herself, placing herself
in danger, authorities can pick her up and thru a
court oder have her committed for a physcological
evaluation and place her in treatment or halfway
house.
My family intervened on me having the
authorities pick me up and spent 28 days
in rehab.
Just passing on some thoughts ur way.
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