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Birthdays suck

Old 05-10-2014, 08:10 AM
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Birthdays suck

Today is my birthday, tomorrow is Mother's Day, and Tuesday is my wedding anniversary. I just want them all to be over. And, now I'm feeling guilty because AH has been relatively nice to me.

Originally I told the family that I wanted to go hiking up north in red rock country, which is about 1.5 hrs away. I was feeling sick to my stomach last night knowing that I'd be stuck in the car with AH that long and then have to deal with him while hiking, too. He's usually either stone cold silent and won't respond to conversation or he's amicable but turns into a bit of jerk, telling me how I should pick my way over the rocks this way(not that way), or how I should put the dog in a sit...over and over and over....etc. I got so stressed out about it that I told the family this AM that I wasn't feeling 100% and didn't want to go.

My son was disappointed but, for me, this was a way for me to cut my time spent with AH down since we're all going to dinner anyway. When I had sent AH an email about what I wanted to do for my birthday, trying to be amicable and just expressing my needs and what I wanted, he responded back and said, "Sounds fine." I wasn't exactly getting a warm fuzzy from him.

And my final depressing moment came last night when I saw that he had purchased a cake for my birthday. He knows that I'm cutting out sugar, he knows that both ds and I have been gluten free for 2 months now. I know that his intentions were good and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I really don't want a piece of that cake. I get that he was trying and I appreciate that, but I have no idea how to communicate my needs more clearly. My email specifically said, "Hey, I want to go to Sedona for a hike, have lunch up there, and then come home and do dinner out and we can all pick our desserts. I also just need a new hand mixer since mine broke if you guys need gift ideas."

So, I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread. I can't wait for the next few days to be over!
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:42 AM
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I'm sorry you feel so crummy, I've been there. Perhaps you're so unhappy you're close to your bottom? The only thing you can change is yourself and your living situation.
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:49 AM
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:dayLiz...perhaps you could take the bull by the horns....and be honest with him about how you feel---rather than go along to get along and then resenting the hel* out of it. I'm sure that you could have found at least one person from your alanon group or the tennis crowd or the homeschooling crowd with which to celebrate your birthday. (the truth will set you free).

dandylion

P.S. Happy Birthday
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:51 AM
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I'm sorry Liz. I understand the dread that comes with special days with an active A.

I hope you do have a happy birthday, and Mother's day.

Hugs!
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
:dayLiz...perhaps you could take the bull by the horns....and be honest with him about how you feel---rather than go along to get along and then resenting the hel* out of it. I'm sure that you could have found at least one person from your alanon group or the tennis crowd or the homeschooling crowd with which to celebrate your birthday.

dandylion

P.S. Happy Birthday
Thank you! I know I could have found others to hang with if I had asked. Unfortunately, I'm too nice. I didn't want to exclude my AH nor my son from any plans, nor did I want to put myself in a situation where I'd be uncomfortable anyway. I am going to dinner with a friend next week. It's not birthday related but it will be nice to catch up with her. AH doesn't know many of the tennis people or Al Anon folks. I did call a few friends but they were busy this weekend with Mother's Day events or family stuff, which happens a lot around my birthday. I was actually born on Mother's Day in 1970!

I'll get past this depression, I do every year and eventually it passes.
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:59 AM
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Happy birthday, Happy Mother's Day, and happy day (any old day) to celebrate you! Really! You're special any day regardless of what the calendar says or what your circumstances are. I'm sorry you're feeling down about all of this, but will keep you in my prayers.

How would you handle these situations if they didn't happen to fall on significant calendar dates? Sending you best wishes.
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Old 05-10-2014, 08:59 AM
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Happy Birthday!!





I'm sorry you're having a rough weekend. A virtual gluten free cake for you with no refined sugars! Our daughter has been making this lately, experimenting with different fillings and flavors, including a lemon cake with lemon filling. Wish I could actually send you the cake. Sending you prayers and good wishes!

An Aussie With Crohns: Strawberry Cream Sponge Cake (Paleo & SCD)
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Old 05-10-2014, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith View Post
Happy Birthday!!





I'm sorry you're having a rough weekend. A virtual gluten free cake for you with no refined sugars! Our daughter has been making this lately, experimenting with different fillings and flavors, including a lemon cake with lemon filling. Wish I could actually send you the cake. Sending you prayers and good wishes!

An Aussie With Crohns: Strawberry Cream Sponge Cake (Paleo & SCD)
Oh that's beautiful. Thank you for posting the link to the site, too!

I'm bored right now, just waiting for the day to be over. AH is watching some war movie on the TV and I've done enough chores today and even some reading so I'm feeling at a standstill. I guess I could go shopping, LOL.
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Old 05-10-2014, 01:59 PM
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Happy Birthday!!!!!

Now, I don't know about your AH, but mine liked to be a jerk by intentionally ignoring my bday or by getting me a gift that would provoke sadness in me ( like your cake). Then I would feel lousy and then he'd keep trying to look nice to outsiders while making my day h3ll until I would get upset finally. Then he'd act as though I were to blame all while provoking a fight.

My last birthday in his presence was one if the worst days of my life. He finished it off by strangling me, then telling the children I had hit him.

A sign it was beyond high time to get out of my marriage.

If you are going to have a good weekend, you may need to do something for yourself!
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Old 05-10-2014, 02:52 PM
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Happy Birthday!

Can you do something pampering like get nails done or a massage?
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Old 05-11-2014, 08:29 AM
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng View Post
Happy Birthday!!!!!

Now, I don't know about your AH, but mine liked to be a jerk by intentionally ignoring my bday or by getting me a gift that would provoke sadness in me ( like your cake). Then I would feel lousy and then he'd keep trying to look nice to outsiders while making my day h3ll until I would get upset finally. Then he'd act as though I were to blame all while provoking a fight.

My last birthday in his presence was one if the worst days of my life. He finished it off by strangling me, then telling the children I had hit him.

A sign it was beyond high time to get out of my marriage.

If you are going to have a good weekend, you may need to do something for yourself!
R you still married to this guy?
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Old 05-11-2014, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
Happy Birthday!

Can you do something pampering like get nails done or a massage?
I couldn't get in anywhere, LOL. You know, all the moms were in there with their kids. I probably won't get in anywhere today either. I am just spending time getting things done like dusting, laundry, and trying to enjoy reading a book.
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Old 05-11-2014, 10:08 AM
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Liz--it IS Mother's Day. Couldn't you do something with your son?

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Old 05-11-2014, 10:11 AM
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To post a quick followup. I do have to give some credit to my AH. He did make an effort and tried to be 'here', instead of being lost in his own mind. He had forgotten candles for the birthday cake and I said not to worry about it, but he made a trip to the store just to get them. He did make a valiant effort and I will be sure to thank him.

Unfortunately, I am so distant from him, mainly from my own doing, that I just see his efforts as wasted time on me. I feel that I'm at the point where nothing he does will ever turn me around. He's been going to a new therapist, he's working through a book called "The Happiness Trap" and he printed the worksheets from the book and actually did them and worked through it with his therapist. I see him reading his Bible every day. He's not pressuring me nor engaging me about us or about the marriage. I have some big decisions to make: if I stay and he does at least TRY recovery, will that be enough to reconcile and start repairing the damage from both of us......or is there just too much water under the bridge and that would mean I need to move on and start a new life? Time for some serious prayer and journaling. I've never been one to give up hope but I just don't see a future here anymore.
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Old 05-11-2014, 10:12 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Liz--it IS Mother's Day. Couldn't you do something with your son?

dandylion
Nah, we went shopping together yesterday. For Mother's Day I asked them to go play tennis together so that I could have the house to myself and watch a chick flick, LOL. I get tired of the cop dramas, the stupid comedies, and the action movies that they watch all the time. It's time for me to have control of the remote!
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Old 05-11-2014, 10:26 AM
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Lizatola, rootin for ya.

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Old 05-12-2014, 10:08 AM
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For the last 3 or 4 years of my marriage, I planned my own birthday fun. It usually involved a trip somewhere, planned by me, arranged by me, and paid for by me, lol. I got tired of being disappointed, so I took matters into my own hands. I also bought myself gifts because he would usually get me something that he wanted disguised as a gift. At some point, when comparing the pros and cons of being married, I realized that having him in my life did not enhance it. In fact, my one short life was dwindling away waiting for the day I could be joyful again. I reached a point where the reasons for staying were so outweighed by the reasons for leaving that I just couldn't keep waiting anymore.

L
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Old 05-12-2014, 11:48 AM
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My dear, wonderful friend, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You share that special day with my little guy. Sending you wishes for peace and serenity in the coming year. ((HUGS))
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Old 05-12-2014, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
For the last 3 or 4 years of my marriage, I planned my own birthday fun. It usually involved a trip somewhere, planned by me, arranged by me, and paid for by me, lol. I got tired of being disappointed, so I took matters into my own hands. I also bought myself gifts because he would usually get me something that he wanted disguised as a gift. At some point, when comparing the pros and cons of being married, I realized that having him in my life did not enhance it. In fact, my one short life was dwindling away waiting for the day I could be joyful again. I reached a point where the reasons for staying were so outweighed by the reasons for leaving that I just couldn't keep waiting anymore.

L
Well, I am taking ds up north tomorrow and we're doing a birthday lunch, belated of course! I am looking forward to a nice quiet day with him. The good news is: AH was on his best behavior, was kind and considerate and giving. It was refreshing, too bad I never see this side of him last for long.
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