DoloresHaze

This is kind of an ebarrassing story, but I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

Over the weekend my husband, son, and I went on vacation and stayed in a hotel. On saturday night we were both consuming alcohol, however my son and i went to bed and H stayed up and continued to drink. He admitted the next day he got pretty trashed.

Anyway, now that we're home, i was looking at pics from our trip on his phone. I came across a pic of my breasts and I was shocked. In his drunken stuper, he pulled down my night shirt while i was sleeping and took a couple pictures.

I'm angry and I cried when I saw it. he swears he has no memory of it and he feels bad. I don't know how to react. I feel like that wasn't right, but that's what alcohol does. It makes you do stupid things.

How would you feel or react???

catlovermi

First, I would check ALL phones/devices for pics and "sent" logs, delete everything, and then sit down to think. Before everything was checked and deleted, all devices would be quarantined until they were thoroughly processed.

You are entitled to feel violated and angry after such an event.

DoloresHaze

yeah, hopefully that's the ONLY time that happened. He's a good person and I trust him, but if his mind is so altered by alcohol, who knows?

hopeful4

I dealt this these blackouts from my XAH for years. While he never did anything like this to my knowledge, he did some pretty terrible things. All I can say is that just because he does not remember it does not mean it did not happen. It sounds like he has a problem.

I am sorry you were violated in this way.

XXX

Florence

In many places, that would be considered a sexual assault. I too would feel extremely violated. Booze or no booze, this is not okay.

Based on this anecdote alone, I personally would be reevaluating these feelings for him.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

wanttobehealthy

That is a complete violation of you and as Florence said, it may be considered a sexual assault actually by law.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

involved

And just because he SAYS he doesnt remember, doesnt make that the truth..."wasnt me!...thats not mine! I am holding it for a friend..I didnt know that would hurt you.."

He was prob gonna save it for future use, since he sits up drinking after everyone goes to "bed"...

I got up one night, went down stairs to get a drink, and caught xabf "helping himself" to the scrambled porn station (years ago) on the tv...

Pack him a playboy next time...or better yet a AA Big Book
Juvanile, abusive, perve...
Sorry that you have to feel like that in your own home.

atalose

You are not even sure that he’s not done something like this to you in the past without your knowledge. Your "hoping" he has not but really can't be sure.

Then you attempt to stick up for him by saying he's a good person - maybe "hoping" by saying that it's true - but good/healthy people don't do that to loved ones.

Then you excuse it all away by saying and "hoping" to put all the blame on the alcohol with - his mind is so altered by the alcohol, who knows......

Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable behavior - alcohol is NEVER an excuse.

And there is always "hope" but HOPE is not a plan.

This disease grows, it’s grown with him to the point where he/you don’t have a clue what he’s doing when that intoxicated - where does that go from here?

Where does it go when you can no longer portray him in the “but he’s a good person” light?

Or blame his bad behavior on he’s never done this or that before, because it’s all changing now and growing.

What are you going to do for YOU in handling HIS growing alcoholic behavior?

ladyscribbler

Someone who drinks into a blackout is not a trustworthy person. My ex progressed to the point where he blacked out every single time he drank. It was hellish to live with someone doing that.
He did so many awful, destructive things. Made our lives miserable. But he never remembered. Woke up every morning with a clean slate like nothing had happened.
Just because you were drinking with him does not give him a right to violate you. My ex frequently used the excuse that I was also drinking (1 beer or a glass of wine) to justify his behavior. Even after I quit drinking, he found all kinds of ways to excuse himself. He doesn't need you making excuses for him (drinking makes you do stupid things), he probably does a fine job of that himself.
And what if he had been sober? Would it still be excusable? What if he blacks out and does something worse? Does being drunk make that OK?
Someone on here has the tag line- unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
Take alcohol out of the equation and what does that leave?

owly

What he did was not ok, and it's normal that you feel violated. His drinking does not excuse this disgusting act. And he's not entitled to do that to you because he happens to be married to you, either. Wrong is wrong.

Mango blast

This is very wrong. I would feel violated and would respond by calling our local domestic violence center to talk with someone there. I know they would listen, be understanding and have help available for me.

I would likely also respond by going to counseling and requesting for my husband to also. Between the dv center and individual/couples counseling I would see what other steps I might need to take to protect myself.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's okay to be furious about it! The drinking doesn't excuse any of it. He is still responsible, whether he remembers it or not. It sounds like he does have a drinking problem and needs help. Keep in mind that getting sober isn't the same as being in recovery. There are many good rehab programs available and AA is always a good place to be, too.

It's really healthy to be reaching out like this for advice and to get help. Alanon is a great place for us, for our healing.

Helenlee

I would FEEL totally violated, & I would REACT by reporting this assault to the police.
You know about this assault, & he knows you know. If you don't act very decisively, you are not only giving him the green light to do something else like this in the future, you're training him that he can violate you in a serious way & you won't do a darn thing except get upset & cry about it. That would be a very dangerous thing to do, in my experience.
Treat yourself with the respect you deserve - report him to the police now.

Dee74

I'm not disagreeing with anyone else Dolores, but as an fellow alkie, what I take away from your story is it's time for least one of you to quit...y'know?

D

jacrazz

I'm sorry that this happened to you without your consent. Unfortunately is easy to blame alcohol for this behavior. I'll admit that once after a night of heavy partying, I took a picture of my XABF passed out drunk, butt naked, full frontal while laying on the couch. I took the picture to show him the aftermath of his behavior the night before. He was mortified, just like you. I thought it was funny, but was it? Was it a violation on my behalf, absolutely, but I felt the need to show him want alcohol does to him (like he doesn't already know, lol) I know my reasons for doing it but that doesn't make it right. Could he have called the cops on me, for sure. What would I have said? He would have never done that but looking at how many here would have, I consider myself lucky!

MissFixit

I think you need to save a copy of those pictures somewhere safe in case you ever need them to prove that he has a history of violating you. He is not a nice guy, nor is he trustworthy. I think you might want to reconsider what you deem to be nice or trustworthy characteristics. Those are not part time qualities. Along the lines of, I only abuse my wife, occasionally. Does that make it acceptable?

petmagnet

So what is he doing when he is trashed and you're not around then? Where is the respect for women, especially the woman he is married to? Kind of scary behavior I'd say even for a drunk. I'd be having some red flags flapping here.

Hammer

Hey! Think I may have seen that picture going around this morning.

You have freckles?

(joking).

Yeah. Be Pissed.

Once Sane Boundaries are passed . . . there are no Sane Boundaries.

robgt350

yea i well when you or group of people drink, at times something terrible happens.
few times i woke up asking my self ,, i hope i did not do anything stupid last night.
i am so glad i do not have to worry about that any more.

NWGRITS

This "good person" and the man who violates you in your sleep are the same.person. Not two separate entities. So I'd venture a guess that he's neither good nor trustworthy. And FWIW, I'd stop drinking with an active alcoholic. Just sayin.

jacrazz

I did the same thing he did for reasons I thought were justified. Does this make me a "bad" or "untrustworthy" person?......Hmmmm, I have to think about that...