custody hearing update #3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
custody hearing update #3
Hey SR,
I just had my third court date with my XABF regarding custody for our 4 year old son. This time, the judge expanded the visitation from Sat. 10AM to Sun. 4PM every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of the month. After today's hearing he now gets Friday 6PM-Sun. 5PM every 1st, 3rd, and 5th of the month, with a weekly Wednesday dinner visit as well from 6:30PM-8PM.
At the last hearing, I had evidence of his on-going drinking from his Facebook and Instagram but the judge decided to give him overnights anyway because the pictures were posted when my son wasn't with him (grrrr...I wish people would understand that alcoholism cannot be moderated!).
Since that last hearing, he has since deleted his FB and Instagram accounts. As a result, I had zero evidence about his drinking for today's hearing. However, his family has said that he still drinks.
For today's hearing, I had written in my documents that I observed what looked like finger print marks on my ex's wife's neck when they came to pick up my son for visitation (as if someone had choked her). Also, my ex's two sisters have told me about observing bruises on the wife's body (when she is asked, she is evasive and says "oh, I don't know...") and also another occasion where my ex told his family that he left his wife for the weekend because "he was afraid he was going to hurt her" after a huge argument they had. My ex denied this and said that this wasn't true. (I felt like screaming! How can he just lie like that?? But again, I know, I shouldn't expect an active addict to tell the truth at all...sigh)
I understood that this is very little to go and the judge agreed that there was little evidence. He warned my ex that he will look out for any more allegations because the takes them very seriously.
After the hearing, my ex said it was a "low blow" that I included his wife in the documents. I said I know what I saw on her neck (or at least, what it appeared like) and that I believe what his sisters told me. He threatened that they would both come after me now and involved her and I said, "I'm not the one who threatened to kick anyone's ass (she threatened to kick my ass on FB)" and I told him I'm sure the judge won't like to hear that my ex told me, his parents, and everybody that he married her for her to get a Greencard. He said, "That's not true." (Gaslighting alert!) He claimed that I have to "get over him" being married.
It's pointless arguing with him, I know. He twists and turns and lies and blames it all on me.
I'm just feeling exhausted and spent. I know this custody battle isn't over. My precious son is only four and this will go on for the rest of his life---unless by some chance that my ex actively seeks recovery for alcoholism and help for his abuse/anger.
I could just use a big hug right now. I know I did the best I could, but why doesn't that feel like it's enough?
I just had my third court date with my XABF regarding custody for our 4 year old son. This time, the judge expanded the visitation from Sat. 10AM to Sun. 4PM every 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of the month. After today's hearing he now gets Friday 6PM-Sun. 5PM every 1st, 3rd, and 5th of the month, with a weekly Wednesday dinner visit as well from 6:30PM-8PM.
At the last hearing, I had evidence of his on-going drinking from his Facebook and Instagram but the judge decided to give him overnights anyway because the pictures were posted when my son wasn't with him (grrrr...I wish people would understand that alcoholism cannot be moderated!).
Since that last hearing, he has since deleted his FB and Instagram accounts. As a result, I had zero evidence about his drinking for today's hearing. However, his family has said that he still drinks.
For today's hearing, I had written in my documents that I observed what looked like finger print marks on my ex's wife's neck when they came to pick up my son for visitation (as if someone had choked her). Also, my ex's two sisters have told me about observing bruises on the wife's body (when she is asked, she is evasive and says "oh, I don't know...") and also another occasion where my ex told his family that he left his wife for the weekend because "he was afraid he was going to hurt her" after a huge argument they had. My ex denied this and said that this wasn't true. (I felt like screaming! How can he just lie like that?? But again, I know, I shouldn't expect an active addict to tell the truth at all...sigh)
I understood that this is very little to go and the judge agreed that there was little evidence. He warned my ex that he will look out for any more allegations because the takes them very seriously.
After the hearing, my ex said it was a "low blow" that I included his wife in the documents. I said I know what I saw on her neck (or at least, what it appeared like) and that I believe what his sisters told me. He threatened that they would both come after me now and involved her and I said, "I'm not the one who threatened to kick anyone's ass (she threatened to kick my ass on FB)" and I told him I'm sure the judge won't like to hear that my ex told me, his parents, and everybody that he married her for her to get a Greencard. He said, "That's not true." (Gaslighting alert!) He claimed that I have to "get over him" being married.
It's pointless arguing with him, I know. He twists and turns and lies and blames it all on me.
I'm just feeling exhausted and spent. I know this custody battle isn't over. My precious son is only four and this will go on for the rest of his life---unless by some chance that my ex actively seeks recovery for alcoholism and help for his abuse/anger.
I could just use a big hug right now. I know I did the best I could, but why doesn't that feel like it's enough?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Hugs and prayers to you and your son. I'm so sorry you're going through this!! Keep in mind that many things put into play today may not be seen yet. You are doing what you're able to, and for today, that is enough. May tomorrow bring more ideas and answers. (((hugs))) 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Big, big (((((hugs))))), Butterfly. Hang in there. It helped when I reminded myself that *this* isn't forever. (Even though I sure felt like it was.) Things will change. Even if nothing else changes, *you* will change and you'll continue to gain strength. You're a wonderful mom!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Butterfly
In my opinion you feel like this because the justice system sucks.
In the eyes of the law proof is everything but sometimes to get proof you have to wait for something bad to happen. That's just wrong in itself.
I sympathize & feel understand your exhaustion.
Many of us here at SR are going through the exhausting court custody fight.
I have a whole book of proof but generally in my country the judge looks at where to from here & does not look at the past.
My advice to you is to keep everything you can in writing, any nasty texts, facebook comments & what isn't written make a journal & record it with dates & details. You never know when you may need this.
Keep fighting for what you believe in, so sorry you are going through this.
Hugs.
PS: I'm due in court anyday now.
In my opinion you feel like this because the justice system sucks.
In the eyes of the law proof is everything but sometimes to get proof you have to wait for something bad to happen. That's just wrong in itself.
I sympathize & feel understand your exhaustion.
Many of us here at SR are going through the exhausting court custody fight.
I have a whole book of proof but generally in my country the judge looks at where to from here & does not look at the past.
My advice to you is to keep everything you can in writing, any nasty texts, facebook comments & what isn't written make a journal & record it with dates & details. You never know when you may need this.
Keep fighting for what you believe in, so sorry you are going through this.
Hugs.
PS: I'm due in court anyday now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thank you, everyone. I have so much resentment and anger that I need to work through and let go of...it's hard to deal with it when I feel like the justice system is letting him get way with his behavior. He hasn't changed, he is just covering his tracks better. I know I just need to keep my side of the street clean...one day his drinking and abuse will escalate out of control and I can't "prove" anything to the court until that happens. Sigh. I just need to focus on the present and have faith in a higher plan. Thanks again for the kind words
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Powerless ... and free
Posts: 201
Butterfly, big hugs and prayers. I wish legislatures (who make the laws) and family courts would recognize that active alcoholism only gets worse and would actually protect children instead of the rights of alcoholics.
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