Blossom717

I guess it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't bother me. But I know when I do leave my ABF that his whole family is going to make me out to be the bad guy. I'm going to be the "bitch that left" and I'm sure he will make up some concoction of me either messing around on him or being neglectful of our daughter or something. I know this. I know this because his sister in law is currently ignoring me, because she heard of an argument that he and I had. I know this because I've heard his lies and exaggerations about his own friends and family that were lies, but they pissed him off. I know this because compared to most of his brothers and sisters (another alcoholic, a methadone addict, and a heroin addict) he is the "good" child, the survivor of cancer, the victim out of every situation.

It shouldn't bother me because I know the truth. I know he's been enabled his whole life and I know that I will be better off, and so will dd, when we leave. I know that I have my own family. I can't blame his family for being on his side, thats what families are for, but I also hate it because it enables him more, keeps him from hitting the bottom.

I woke up at 3:30 last night, frustrated. So I dove deeper into the "Codependent no more" book and I could really relate. I see where some of this is my fault, that I let it continue. I see that the alcoholism has effected all of us, has changed my way of thinking and my health, even though I'm not the one drinking. I understand that I can fix myself, leave at anytime. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks because I know right from wrong in my situation.

I'm just so scared.

MsPINKAcres

((Blossom717))

Oh yes it is easier to blame others than to blame the person that drinks but just because someone says it doesn't make it true ~

pg 131 of ODAT in Al-Anon states "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part."

I not only believe this for us, but also for our family members that give in to the A's - when it is their time - More will be Revealed to them and they will see the painful truth of their loved one's disease.

Nothing we can do can make them see that until they are ready just like we had to see it for ourselves too

Continue doing what is healthy & best for you ~ hold your head high - YOU know the truth and allow others to find that truth on their own path.

pink hugs & best wishes for you

FireSprite

I'm so happy that I no longer care what others think about me.

Blossom, it sounds like they can make you out to be the "bad guy" even if you decided to stay, so IMO it's a lose-lose situation either way. It's always sad when an entire family chooses to enable an addict rather than seeing how desperately they need help but it sounds like his issues started long before you arrived on the scene & will continue long after you leave.

Think about where you will be once you get some time & distance from all of this & how the healthier you get, the less this will matter. Think about how your DD is going to get 100% of that benefit when she has a healthy, sane mom to lean on & learn from. You are growing & your path will continue to take you to new & better places & until he chooses sobriety he is doomed to continually repeat the same patterns of dysfunction.

Fear of change is totally normal & I bet that every single member here (both Codie & A) would say we all feared change no matter how much we knew we needed it. You are in good company!

Blossom717

I agree totally with you. Time and distance from this situation can only help, i know. I just have to make that leap.

thotful

You're not alone in hating to be viewed differently than WHO you really are; Like he'll paint this portrait of you and hand it to them and they'll think, "yeah, that's her" - but it's a portrait - not the real thing. They'll even hold that thing up every time they talk to you (in front of you so they don't really see the REAL YOU). It's a realization I have come to. Some people just won't see the real me. I certainly feel invisible, feel rejected, feel abandoned (you're not alone with this!).

I have had (and still do to some degree) the SAME concerns about my estranged brother. While we were "OK" with one another and friends, he told me horrible things about our loved ones. That the only reason we (the children) had "survived" and found success was because of our father (the high functioning alcoholic, by the way) and NOT our mother. That our mother was lazy and spends money needlessly. My sister is supposedly "worthless". My other brother has no common sense to the point that he's an idiot. Quackity quack quack quack. It's all garbage and I see it now.

Once I told my brother I no longer want contact if he can't treat my wife with respect, I had the SAME feelings you have. He'll turn on me and GOSSIP up the ying-yang and what stops him from saying the same kind of awful stuff about me that I heard him say about others? Nothing. Heck, he said those things about my loved ones when they WEREN'T fighting. I would bet it's far worse when I've stood my ground against his abusive behavior.

It still hurts, but yeah, I've got no control over his behavior. Nor can I control how my mother, father, siblings INTERPRET what he has to say. Will his words change their perception of me and my wife? I guess that's their problem to deal with. Since Al-Anon I've gotten less and less concerned about it - what a relief! But it still gets me - it definitely does.

Hang in there, you're not ALONE! Take care of YOU. Go to meetings, talk with people that just LIFT your spirit, do things for YOU. The only thing you have control over is your choices...that's it. Once I started going down that road and paid more and more attention to my own actions and made corrections, went to meetings, found more and more recovery, things just started to FEEL a lot BETTER!

Best of luck with your own choices! No matter what people say, we are wonderful and amazing people WORTHY of love and friendship. Period.

inpieces314

Been there, done that.

My ABF just died, and now all the lies are coming out. He told everyone he was paying me child support (wrong-and now I have to go on Friday alone, devastated, and what have you, to have this DNA test that I scrambled around to make sure I could take after he died, read out loud for everyone to hear. I actually am happy about it-can't pay child support until AFTER the paternity test and/or establishing paternity on your own). He lied to everyone-there is this woman at his job who actually thinks he is NOT an alcoholic. Wrong-and the job sent him to rehab first, so obviously, they know.

He lied to his sister. Nothing new there, but now she feels really stupid, I bet.

He lied to his mother. And this is the one that kills me. Despite the fact that I have done absolutely everything for him, ever, always, and no one else, she refuses to speak to me. Still. It's been two weeks. I have everything of his. Rumor has it she is hiring a lawyer to come after me. Well good luck, everything is in MY name for a reason, and NOT his (and today I started thinking about it-what if he wanted it this way on purpose? So I could legally keep what's his?) I have no problem giving her his stuff. But she lives across the country. I have no problem driving it out there myself. But she will slam the door in my face.

This one kills me. Really, it does. She has grandkids. She is just going to leave them to rot because her son died? She hasn't even seen him in years-she doesn't even know him! She probably blames me, because he told her repeatedly that I kicked him out, which is true, but of course he didn't say it is because he was drunk and/or high while my kids were in the house.

Anyway, I know how you feel. His lies destroyed everything for me. And it just keeps going.

Blossom717

Inpieces:

first, I'm sorry for your loss. I've seen you post about it before, and I can't even imagine the mixture of feelings you have right now.

I know what its like when everyone thinks he is paying for everything when he's not. For us its a little different. I can't afford a lot right now but I do buy all the groceries and pay for half the sitter, and then my own bills (insurance, gym, gas, etc). I know for a fact that he tells his dad (who pays his bills, handles his account, so ABF doesn't have to.) that he buys groceries, when what he actually does is buys a 6 pack and gets $100 cash back each time for weed/alcohol. (he makes 3x what I do)

They don't see my accounts so they don't know that over half my paycheck goes to groceries/sitter then the rest goes to surviving until next payday. They just see me as someone using their son/brother. They don't see him drinking on his way to get dd from the sitter, they just see that he bought her a bounce house for "no reason at all".


I hope that everything goes okay with the paternity testing and the child support issues. How does that work if he's passed? will they take it out of his Social security?

inpieces314

I guess it comes out of social security. He made really good money, so they say it will be like a thousand bucks a month. Honestly, I don't care. If I cared about money, I would have done this long ago, but what did it was him not working and being drunk while taking care of the two year old, so I now pay a thousand dollars a month in daycare.

In all honesty, I didn't care about the lies until now. And I still wouldn't if this hadn't happened. Once you are gone, he is going to need someone else to blame for his behavior, someone else to blame for taking all the money, someone else to blame for making him feel so bad that he has to go out and drink about it. It will take time, but when you are gone, he can't blame you anymore. That's how it was for me, anyway, the only issue is his mother who lives so far away (and really, I don't blame her, I mean, she just lost her son, she didn't think it was as bad as it really was, etc. but I am just angry).

Since you guys don't have that problem, either the parents will wake up and see what he is really like, or they will help him on his path to...wherever he is going (and I bet it's not that great of a place to be). And the great thing about taking the kids is that you don't have to deal with all that anymore. He can have his visitation or whatever, but that doesn't include the parents (unless he is there), so if they want to see your daughter, they will have to respect you. They aren't going to like you, but respect is not too much to ask. It's impossible to get in this situation-you have to get out first.

And it does get easier. Once I kicked him out, I had all kinds of money, because no one was borrowing/stealing it. I didn't have to struggle to remember what day it was/what bill was due/what money I had or did not have in the bank.

marie1960

It's none of my business what others are saying about me.

Keep repeating this to yourself.

You have zero control over what others think, say or do.

If you allow their nonsense to control you, it will.......