sex, violence, and alcoholism
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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sex, violence, and alcoholism
For the past few days the worst memories have been repeating in my head. I'm going to bring it up with my DV counselor on Monday. But I wanted to see if anyone here has had a similar experience. May be triggering.
One time my XAB bashed my head in with a coffee mug. I found out what "seeing stars" means. Before I realized I was bleeding, he took off his pants and mine and screamed at me to **** him. Then I realized I was bleeding and he acted concerned and I was in shock. I still remember seeing the blood wash down the drain in the shower.
The next horrible memory is when he dragged me off of the bed, held me down, somehow got my clothes off and again took his off, and he stuck his fingers in me. I didn't know what he was going to do. I begged him to stop. I begged God to help me. He said "there isn't a God, no one can help you." Then he tried to kiss me but there was absolutely nothing inside of him. His eyes were black. It was completely terrifying. And he wondered why I never wanted to have sex.
Whenever he got violent he was drunk, and apparently doesn't remember anything. It makes me wonder if something happened to him? Any insight?
One time my XAB bashed my head in with a coffee mug. I found out what "seeing stars" means. Before I realized I was bleeding, he took off his pants and mine and screamed at me to **** him. Then I realized I was bleeding and he acted concerned and I was in shock. I still remember seeing the blood wash down the drain in the shower.
The next horrible memory is when he dragged me off of the bed, held me down, somehow got my clothes off and again took his off, and he stuck his fingers in me. I didn't know what he was going to do. I begged him to stop. I begged God to help me. He said "there isn't a God, no one can help you." Then he tried to kiss me but there was absolutely nothing inside of him. His eyes were black. It was completely terrifying. And he wondered why I never wanted to have sex.
Whenever he got violent he was drunk, and apparently doesn't remember anything. It makes me wonder if something happened to him? Any insight?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 81
Thank God you're away from him. Wow, this hurt to read. My AH was never sexually violent. Just drunk and violent. Did something happen to your XAB? Probably. Do you have any contact with him? Memories that painful will never go away but to some degree we can control the power they have to hurt us. I dreamt last night my AH was drinking and dying. It was a nasty dream but I don't go through that stuff anymore because we're apart. Time to focus on you. Prayer, meditation, exercise, whatever works for you. I'm praying you find more peace in reality than pain in the past.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
I second Missboots's sentiments! Wow and hugs, Meggy. Those are scary and anxiety-producing memories. I do still have moments when my scary memories seem to take over my head. It tells me that I haven't fully worked out how to deal with them yet. In the beginning, I just couldn't deal with them. I was numbed and my entire life seemed so surreal. As I started to find peace and safety, I felt less numb to these experiences and my mind started to process them. I started to share these memories with my trusted friends. I know I took on a haunted expression during those moments. I was haunted! But, talking about it helped. Not 100%, but it helped to bring me back to the reality that I was no longer in that situation.
Lately, I have had periods when I have felt safe to contemplate those moments again from a perspective of greater distance. It is still painful to think about, but I can add in some recovery perspectives to the experience. It doesn't feel as haunting anymore, just reflecting. Give yourself more time, and if it is too painful, you can give yourself permission to deal with it another day.
Peace,
Fathom
Lately, I have had periods when I have felt safe to contemplate those moments again from a perspective of greater distance. It is still painful to think about, but I can add in some recovery perspectives to the experience. It doesn't feel as haunting anymore, just reflecting. Give yourself more time, and if it is too painful, you can give yourself permission to deal with it another day.
Peace,
Fathom
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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It isn't necessarily a bad thing that the memories keep returning. I have lived through violent incidents both caused by a stranger when I was young, and later by my former husband. My mind returned to these incidents over and over until enough time and healing and life moving forward went on. Then I was okay again and the intruding memories stopped.
Time is your friend. If you are in a safer place now, your mind may feel more free to replay those memories.
DD11 had the same experience with intrusive memories for a year or so. My poor child. Poor you. Poor me. What frightened me also was the black empty eyes in XAH. And knowing this person I thought I could trust was considering killing me.
And then you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
What your A did was a form of rape. I was almost killed and raped when I was in my 20s and I will never get over it. It affects my entire being still. My body remembers things, not just my mind. I devote enormous energy to trying to always feel safe and strong. But you turn it into a strength, too. And you appreciate each day.
Some people, your A and mine, are just demented. Did bad things happen to them in their childhoods? Probably. I am so glad to be me and not them. I try to keep the focus on me. Someone like that doesn't belong in our lives.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Do know most of your symptoms are temporary. I took meds for a while to lose the anxiety. And they helped me readjust. Then I stopped them and never felt I needed to take them again.
Take good, good care of yourself. Believe you will get through this. And you will.
Time is your friend. If you are in a safer place now, your mind may feel more free to replay those memories.
DD11 had the same experience with intrusive memories for a year or so. My poor child. Poor you. Poor me. What frightened me also was the black empty eyes in XAH. And knowing this person I thought I could trust was considering killing me.
And then you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
What your A did was a form of rape. I was almost killed and raped when I was in my 20s and I will never get over it. It affects my entire being still. My body remembers things, not just my mind. I devote enormous energy to trying to always feel safe and strong. But you turn it into a strength, too. And you appreciate each day.
Some people, your A and mine, are just demented. Did bad things happen to them in their childhoods? Probably. I am so glad to be me and not them. I try to keep the focus on me. Someone like that doesn't belong in our lives.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Do know most of your symptoms are temporary. I took meds for a while to lose the anxiety. And they helped me readjust. Then I stopped them and never felt I needed to take them again.
Take good, good care of yourself. Believe you will get through this. And you will.
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There is a piece of my H intent on snuffing out the hope and optimism of my base self. It is quite likely something happened to him to open up a current into such darkness. However, that does not excuse the behavior. He is an adult and there are avenues to dig that kind of hate and disappointment out of oneself.
I survived a night of the black hate filled eyes. That night is a terrible weight in our marriage. I called home at sunrise. I had barricaded me, DS and my dog in the guest room. My father told me those things happen. Fear of abandonment is my biggest fear. It got triggered and I spent days in a daze. But I kept going. I looked into the mirror and told myself it was just me and I kept going. I did not hide the bruises on my neck or on my wrists. I just kept going. I did not lie to anyone. I just kept going. I went to work, I talked to neighbors, I told a friend. Not one person gave me the number of a DV hotline. My friend did tell me I could crash at her place anytime day or night. That was kind. It made me flashback on getting dragged back into my house as I had actually made it halfway to my closest neighbor with my son at one point during his alcoholic rage.
To be fair, my H truly regrets this night. But regret did not stop him from drinking. It never happened again and it was 11 years ago. I abandoned myself on that next day. I should have gotten a bag and just gone to a hotel with DS and the dog. But I seriously do not know how to let go. I do not understand when done is done. I have tenacity and drive that does not stop. I can't tell you how many times I wish my father had told me to go to a hotel and he would meet me there. But I could have left. I could have taken myself to a hotel. It was not my parents' fault I stayed and stayed and stayed.
I survived a night of the black hate filled eyes. That night is a terrible weight in our marriage. I called home at sunrise. I had barricaded me, DS and my dog in the guest room. My father told me those things happen. Fear of abandonment is my biggest fear. It got triggered and I spent days in a daze. But I kept going. I looked into the mirror and told myself it was just me and I kept going. I did not hide the bruises on my neck or on my wrists. I just kept going. I did not lie to anyone. I just kept going. I went to work, I talked to neighbors, I told a friend. Not one person gave me the number of a DV hotline. My friend did tell me I could crash at her place anytime day or night. That was kind. It made me flashback on getting dragged back into my house as I had actually made it halfway to my closest neighbor with my son at one point during his alcoholic rage.
To be fair, my H truly regrets this night. But regret did not stop him from drinking. It never happened again and it was 11 years ago. I abandoned myself on that next day. I should have gotten a bag and just gone to a hotel with DS and the dog. But I seriously do not know how to let go. I do not understand when done is done. I have tenacity and drive that does not stop. I can't tell you how many times I wish my father had told me to go to a hotel and he would meet me there. But I could have left. I could have taken myself to a hotel. It was not my parents' fault I stayed and stayed and stayed.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by missboots 
Thank God you're away from him. Wow, this hurt to read. My AH was never sexually violent. Just drunk and violent. Did something happen to your XAB? Probably. Do you have any contact with him? Memories that painful will never go away but to some degree we can control the power they have to hurt us. I dreamt last night my AH was drinking and dying. It was a nasty dream but I don't go through that stuff anymore because we're apart. Time to focus on you. Prayer, meditation, exercise, whatever works for you. I'm praying you find more peace in reality than pain in the past.
I hope you are doing ok. I read your posts <3
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
To be fair, my H truly regrets this night. But regret did not stop him from drinking. It never happened again and it was 11 years ago. I abandoned myself on that next day. I should have gotten a bag and just gone to a hotel with DS and the dog. But I seriously do not know how to let go. I do not understand when done is done. I have tenacity and drive that does not stop. I can't tell you how many times I wish my father had told me to go to a hotel and he would meet me there. But I could have left. I could have taken myself to a hotel. It was not my parents' fault I stayed and stayed and stayed.
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Meggy....my heart cracked for you when I read this. What an awful thing to endure. That is rape and battery. How awful.
It has to hurt to bring these memories to light, but it will also enable you to deal with those hurts, and move past them.
I wish I was there to give you the biggest hug ever. As I sit here and wipe my eyes I just cannot believe how strong you are. You have endured so much. I pray that God gives you peace. That you are able to move on from the horror of what you experienced.
Tight Tight Hugs!
It has to hurt to bring these memories to light, but it will also enable you to deal with those hurts, and move past them.
I wish I was there to give you the biggest hug ever. As I sit here and wipe my eyes I just cannot believe how strong you are. You have endured so much. I pray that God gives you peace. That you are able to move on from the horror of what you experienced.
Tight Tight Hugs!
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Meggy, What you went through is horrible, but I am glad that you are here talking about it. I went through the violence thing, but not so much the sex thing. I know the "black eyes", the feeling that there is no one human there, like looking into the abyss. I used to call them "shark eyes", or "dead eyes".
I also wanted to let you know that you are not alone in being so easy to forgive. I questioned myself a lot about that. The only way that I could explain it to myself was Stockholm Syndrome. I would accept any crumb, just to know the fight was over. In a weird sort of way, it was self preservation. I just didn't know how to deal with situations like that, so I just forgave, so that the "nice" person would come back.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Just know there is nothing wrong with you, and others have been there also.
(((((((((more hugs)))))))))))
I also wanted to let you know that you are not alone in being so easy to forgive. I questioned myself a lot about that. The only way that I could explain it to myself was Stockholm Syndrome. I would accept any crumb, just to know the fight was over. In a weird sort of way, it was self preservation. I just didn't know how to deal with situations like that, so I just forgave, so that the "nice" person would come back.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Just know there is nothing wrong with you, and others have been there also.
(((((((((more hugs)))))))))))
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When some Mentally Ill folks "Emotionally Dysregulate" the parts of the brain which are going Hyperactive -- typically around the Amygdala are overloaded and not functioning. This is also the area of the brain that is required for memories to be properly placed.
AWtf has episodes that she does not remember. Not just high Drama/Trauma like you are describing, either. When the persona flips, so sometimes does the capacity to remember what happened.
Since yours is Sexually Violent -- this can lead to Very Bad situations -- for you, him and others.
AWtf has episodes that she does not remember. Not just high Drama/Trauma like you are describing, either. When the persona flips, so sometimes does the capacity to remember what happened.
Since yours is Sexually Violent -- this can lead to Very Bad situations -- for you, him and others.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Awww, meggy, big hugs! I've been seperated from my AH for two weeks and I used to dream about this. I thought it'd be.like a dream. Instead I mourn for him and for my marriage because he'll probably always be an abuser and an alcoholic. It just hurts but this forum helps so much to remind me that we're out, we're free of them, we can take care of us now.
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Merry, ((hugs)) if OK. I'm so glad you're getting support through SR and the DV support group. And, can I say you are so, so strong. It's one thing to survive and it's another to share, and I think sharing your story takes so much courage.
I kept asking myself the same question regarding AXH. But I don't think anything did happen to him. I don't *know*... I just don't *think* so. All accounts of his early life that I've heard show a happy childhood / adolescence with no shadows (other than sneaking out to the living room after his parents hosted a party to 'clean up' the leftover drinks).
And I've finally decided that I don't care. Let me clarify: If something did happen to him that he's been fighting with for years, I would be truly sad that something was done to him. HOWEVER, I do not accept it as an excuse for what he did to me.
For a rather long time, I thought AXH was only sexually violent when he was drunk. It was that way at first, but it changed. I didn't notice the shift when I was still actively trying to survive the relationship, but I saw it after I left and started working with a counselor. He used his drinking as an excuse, a shield, a free-rein to do what he wanted, but it wasn't the reason he did it.
Being able to talk it through, either in the support group I attended, or the rape crisis line, or my therapist, was so important. They were all able to provide tips for dealing with the immediacy of the memories and the feelings they set off.
Originally Posted by meggygoround30
Whenever he got violent he was drunk, and apparently doesn't remember anything. It makes me wonder if something happened to him? Any insight?
And I've finally decided that I don't care. Let me clarify: If something did happen to him that he's been fighting with for years, I would be truly sad that something was done to him. HOWEVER, I do not accept it as an excuse for what he did to me.
For a rather long time, I thought AXH was only sexually violent when he was drunk. It was that way at first, but it changed. I didn't notice the shift when I was still actively trying to survive the relationship, but I saw it after I left and started working with a counselor. He used his drinking as an excuse, a shield, a free-rein to do what he wanted, but it wasn't the reason he did it.
Being able to talk it through, either in the support group I attended, or the rape crisis line, or my therapist, was so important. They were all able to provide tips for dealing with the immediacy of the memories and the feelings they set off.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Posts: 3,178
Originally Posted by Hammer
When some Mentally Ill folks "Emotionally Dysregulate" the parts of the brain which are going Hyperactive -- typically around the Amygdala are overloaded and not functioning. This is also the area of the brain that is required for memories to be properly placed.
AWtf has episodes that she does not remember. Not just high Drama/Trauma like you are describing, either. When the persona flips, so sometimes does the capacity to remember what happened.
Since yours is Sexually Violent -- this can lead to Very Bad situations -- for you, him and others.
AWtf has episodes that she does not remember. Not just high Drama/Trauma like you are describing, either. When the persona flips, so sometimes does the capacity to remember what happened.
Since yours is Sexually Violent -- this can lead to Very Bad situations -- for you, him and others.
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