helluvagalnva

I am really screwing up... I'm starting to loose focus. First let me tell you that my husband and I agreed on a certain amount a month for child support. He's supposed to deposit money in my account every Friday (pay day). Well, we go to court yesterday. I had an anxiety attack on the way to the courthouse. Anyway, the Virginia guidelines are $187.00 more a month then what we agreed on but gullible me always feels bad for the A, and for the worst part I allow him to make me feel guilty. He said we had an agreement right. So I told the court we had an agreement and I would waive the va guideline and go with the agreed amount. He's smiling like once again got away with it. Got over on me again......He knows exactly how to work me. Plays me like a string and I fall for it every time.

I checked my bank account yesterday afternoon after court to find that he didn't live up to the agreement AGAIN.... no money was deposited last Friday... <img border="0" alt="[Mad!]" title="" src="graemlins/../graemlins/mad3.gif" /> I called to ask him why... he said he forgot. Right.... what really happened was he had gone out Friday, Saturday, and Tuesday night blew all his money and didn't have any left over to pay me. Geezzzzzzzzzzz when will I ever wake up and realize he is a big fat liar.......he is so smug and think's he's God.

He tells me that he doesn't drink around his new girlfriend. He doesn't want to ruin things with her because he really likes her. He says she's alot like me .... she has a big heart, she's really fun to be with. That tore my heart up when he told me that. Now I think what's wrong with me. Why did you drink around me, hit me, call me names, cheat on me? Every one always ****s on me and leaves me. In another breathe he wants to know if I want to have sex and asks why can't we put our marriage back together. He says " you know you still love me, you'll always love me".

Why can't I stand up to him and not feel guilty for doing so? I Why do I still believe basically everything he says. I know he probably lying but always give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm still waiting for him to do the right thing when it's probably impossible for him to do the right thing. I'm told I stand up to every one but him and that it seems as though I care more about him and his feelings than my own. How do I break free of that? I don't know how or where to begin.

Thanks for listening and any advise would be greatly appreciated. Oh yeah - I'm going back on my medications - it does seem to help take the edge off and helps me not to worry and obsess so much..

Love,
Galnva

smoke gets in my eyes

A bargain is a bargain. You did the right thing under the circumstances. Now that you know he has broken HIS end of the agreement, you are within your rights to take him back to court and get the full amount. Report him EVERY time he does not pay. His wages can be garnished by the court.

If you hesitate to do this because you're afraid of ruining your future together, please reread your post. If he ever becomes a decent enough human being to cohabit with, he will understand why you took the actions you did. When he says things that hurt you, you can be pretty sure he said them for just that reason. Somehow he feels he can get something from you this way. Please don't allow yourself to be manipulated by fairytales about his new romance. It's HOGWASH! And there is NOTHING "wrong" with you except that you have decided not to be a doormat any more. And that doesn't make you wrong for him, it makes you wrong for his disease.... and that's RIGHT!

Hang tough!
Smoke

Ann

Ditto to what Smoke said.

This man is a manipulating, smooth talking addict, who knows how to push your buttons by saying sweet thing and making you feel guilty.

Look at what he does, he cheats on you, he cheats on her, he lies, he doesn't pay you the support you deserve and that has been mandated by courts of law...and you are supposed to feel that there is something wrong with you?

I would take him back to court, like Smoke said, every time he does not pay, but truthfully I wouldn't "bank" on getting anyhting from him...he is an addict. And I would let your lawyer handle it, so that the stress is off you. It is making you sick with anxiety and you deserve better.

It is so easy to lose our focus when they are around or talking to us. We have to learn to tune out the "quacking" and stay focused on our needs first.

There is nothing wrong with you, your feelings are normal for this situation, and you are taking great strides in your recovery. The peace will follow.

Hugs

Cassy

Galnva, contact your lawyer or the court and tell them he is not living up to your aggreement. You`ll have to appear in court again, but it`s worth it. Since he broke the agreement, it is now void. The court will up make a new order for the correct amount per your state`s guidlines, and have the money automatically taken from his paycheck and deposited into your account. That way there`s no more "forgetting" and no more upsetting phone calls. The court can even make an order that all communication must go through your lawyers or the court.
My situation is the opposite of yours, I`m the recovering addict (although he`s not in recovery) and he`s the one who thinks he`s God. Don`t let him play any mind games or guilt trips on you. To answer your question of how you break free of thinking more about his feelings than you do of your own, forcus on your children, not him. And tell him to focus on the children, too. That`s what the money is for, the children.

Josie

Gainva,
You can do this! My youngest son's
father didn't pay support for 11 years.
I went down to the child support office,
filed the papers, and I didn't even
have to go to court, he did. They
attached his wages and the money was
then sent to me. He cried, and whined
that this was just killing him finan-
cially, (he lives with his mother). The
only thing it was doing was cutting into
his partying money. These guys really
get my feathers ruffled. You can do this,
Gainva!

Hugs,