Smiley1

Is it a full moon??!?!?!!

Brief background. AH, been in al anon, for awhile, working my steps, praying, meditating, the whole kit and kaboodle. Did my daily " help me be an instrument of thy peace" prayer this morning...all of it.

This afternoon DS2 shows up at my work. His dad wants to talk to me....didn't get upset that he sent the son to ask me, let that go.... Show up and there is AH and MIL. He's screaming mad at me. Back up. Friday night I saw AH sidled up to a bar all cozy friendly with some barfly chica. Shaken and sick to my stomach, I walked up and asked what was going on, to which I got a drunken retort. I asked if this is what it's going to be and get the drunken belligerence that "ya, this is what it's going to be". I leave and in a moment of sheer panic I call his brother to find out is AH has said anything to him about the chica. No, he's in the dark.....I know I shouldn't have...moment of absolute weakness.

Back to today. So I walk in to this "intervention" this afternoon. He's mad that I thought he would sleep with anyone else, I find that interesting, since I didn't say that, and that I told his mother. What?!? Uh no, his mom asked me about him over the weekend and said I'm not sure that I can stay in a relationship with someone who relaxes a marriage boundary, drunk or not. I did not say he slept with this woman Now I have been with my AH for 27 years, I have put up with a lot of poo from him and his drinking over the years. Taken him back numerous times, because I took vows for better or for worse and there has been a whole lotta worse. In addition I have been a caretaker to my MIL when she has been sick, taken her to appts, and taken time off from my job over the years to care for her.

Now I've also been in counseling for awhile and my T has commented that my emotions are rather flat, I don't seem to get angry, happy, excited....not today.....today I got mad! I tried to hold my tongue, until MIL jumped in and said that it's both our faults. I stopped her right there. I said that I am willing to accept blame for my behaviors, and my enabling, but I am not willing to accept any blame his drinking and gambling. She said "I'm always down on him" that I don't support him. What?!? This man I've supported when he quit his job out of the blue? Who started his own business, so we lived off of my salary? The one who kept our home, fed her grand kids, and was there for her and her entire side of the family? Not today sista! I said with all due respect, I do not need this, said goodbye to my son, told MIL to let me know if she needs anything, and said "good luck" to my. AH and walked out.

Now I know I probably broke every al anon slogan, but I had had it! I left and thought, I should go back and apologize. Where did that come from! Would normal people have that thought?

I decided instead to pop on over here and write it out. Right or wrong that is what I did. Should I have called his brother? No. Told his mother? No. I will call them at a later date and make amends and apologize for saying anything to them. Should I have confronted hubby? Probably not. But on that day I had a sick feeling for most of the afternoon that I couldn't shake, so decided I needed to listen to that gut feeling. As soon as I saw him, I knew, this is my sign.....and maybe that was the impetus I needed to get going....


Thanks for letting me share.

Hammer

MY Experience says --

The more crap you put up with = The more crap you will have to put up with.

So when do YOU get tired of this crap?

Your life, your choice.

CodeJob

Well who cares if having a backbone appears to be secondary to dealing with life in constant serenity when it comes to Al Anon. I am grinning for ear to ear reading your story!

Thanks for sharing it.

chicory

I'm glad you did not stuff your feelings!

You have a right to know what is going on in your own life, and with your own husband, as far as other women are concerned.

And you have the right to tell your truth, to those who are trying to make you their whipping boy.

good for you.

missboots

I think you handled it just fine. Listen to some garbage, calmly but effectively state your feelings and then walk away. Admirable.

SeriousKarma

Ok, Spell it out for me, because sometimes I can be a little dumb.

What exactly do you think you should be apologizing for? I think I missed something. Like CodeJob, I was doing a whole lot of grinning while reading your post. Everything seemed fine to me, but maybe I missed the day at Alanon, where they talked about proper MIL maintenance.

iSPAZ

Detachment with love is best but detachment without love is better than no detachment at all. Dealing with narcissism will drive anyone to the brink. Sounds like you did what you had to do to get out of there. Don't beat yourself up. Hope things get better.

Stung

My hat is off to you! You handled that with much more poise than I would have, I probably would have flattened my husband and the bar hussy on the spot. I think you're doing a great job standing up for yourself and your feelings.

HopefulinFLA

Ya know, everyone has their boiling point, and if you shake the soda bottle too much it will explode. Your human and you've put up with way more than your share of crapola.

Good for you for letting him have it! You've made me feel like I just unloaded on my AH too. Thank you, I feel so much better!

Smiley1

Thanks everyone! I appreciate your support. Of course you are all right....it is my life, I get to decide what I'm willing to (not) tolerate. Met with sponsor before meeting & she reminded me that al anon is not about being a doormat. . I was taking care of myself! There is a difference.

Had to laugh, got home from meeting to find out that AH had called DS1, to tell him his side of the story and deny any wrong doing and DS just shut him down and walked away. The irony is that I hadn't told my sons about the woman, they found out about that from him.....

And most importantly, I feel pretty darn serene right now.

Seren

This, I believe, bears repeating! I think you did just fine. And you do have every right to take care of yourself.