PippiLngstockng

Trying to stay away from that d*mn crazy choo choo but my kids are scheduled to be on it for 4 weeks this summer while the judge relaxes poolside somewhere far away.

After 6 months of mostly living alone in our 6 bedroom house, now xah is renting out the children's rooms for the time they will be staying with him there this summer. People he has never met that he connected with on the internet. People with a child who will be occupying our children's rooms, beds, dressers while the children sleep...where? Four of them in Xah's room? In the study all piled up together? And how is this treatment supposed to make them feel? 'Hi, kids, I have so been looking forward to your visit. A strange family is going to be living in your rooms but you can sleep together downstairs in the study on the pull up sofa for a month.'

Then DD14 tells me he has also been renting out our house through AirBnB to strangers while he is away on trips. With all of my and the children's belongings trapped inside.

Cute.

Please let me off at the next station. The children have a long jourrney ahead and I can only hope that there are a few fellow passengers on board who will keep an eye out. Cause I am not allowed to take them with me.

hopeful4

O Pippi...what a mess. You have mentioned that he travels a lot with the children. Is he planning on being away while they are there? Is he taking them on a trip? I find all of this odd...and desperate. It sounds like he is having some financial issues possibly? Of course I don't know, just thinking.

I am so sorry. What does our attorney say about this?

MissFixit

I thought you wanted him to rent out the house?

PippiLngstockng

I wanted the house rented, sure, then there'd be more income. But not exclusively during the 4 weeks the children will be there, and certainly not perfect strangers occupying their rooms.

It IS strange, isn't it?

It is as though he wants to send the message that he doesn't care about the childrens' feelings and actually wants to cause us more stress and sadness.

PippiLngstockng

H4,

He told the judge he'd work from home. Now he tells me something vague about vacation and a leave from work.

Why strangers, why the children's bedrooms, and why only during the time the children are there?

Beats me. I talk to lawyer #625 this evening. But the wisdom comes from this place, she last referred to xah as a 'hard worker and a hard drinker who is a gem for his workplace'.

MissFixit

This is just my own take from following your story and having no idea about the motives of your ex or discussions about divorce/settlements/income/etc...

I agree it sounds like he needs the money. The fact he hasn't kept up the house months ago made it sound like he needed the money. He might also be ready now to accept that it is over and he is taking reasonable financial steps moving forward. I do not know. There are too many possibilities.

You mentioned that he has been nicer recently and also that you are moving closer to divorce. That is all good stuff. Getting rental income is good stuff. When I was a renter, I always (with one exception) rented from strangers, just b/c I didn't know anyone renting something when I needed it. That is normal to rent to strangers. The airbnb is a newish thing that many folks do. It was featured on CBS morning news a month or two ago and looked okay. The company is doing super well, so it must have lots of business. No red flags there, IMHO.

It is certainly not ideal to rent when the kids are there, but I would not automatically assume that is to spite you or make you mad. You had been wanting it rented, so it is.

When can you get the rest of your stuff? Do you have to wait for the divorce to be settled or can you pick up stuff this summer? Put it with your mom or a storage unit?

PippiLngstockng

Rental income should come from a regular housemate(s), not this one-time, one-month thing and then he has the place to himself again.

I do not want my children sharing their house with total strangers. Not safe, especially given xah's summer binge habits. Who knows what could happen? I can't imagine anyone wanting to leave their children in a similar situation.

AirBnB has tons of stories about people getting robbed. And worse. It is being made illegal in places. And the rules are that an owner has to remain on site during guests' stay.

I would like xah to get some income from our house. In a responsible, safe way.

ladyscribbler

Something quite ridiculous about this. "I'm doing what you wanted, but in the most bizarre and childish way possible."
My oldest son once ran out of the house barefoot, and I told him "you have to have shoes on to go outside." So next time he put shoes on and ran outside-buck naked. Technically he had done everything I told him to. He was two, so it was funny. This, not so much. He's being extra creepy nice and doing crazy crap to rile you up at the same time.
He wants you to react so he can go "Look how crazy she is. I'm being so nice and doing everything she wanted, and she still flipped out."
Don't let his childish shenanigans interfere with your serenity and your goals. Hugs.

CodeJob

Crazy people are really gems at manipulation. Looks like he twisted what you wanted just dandy. I am sorry Pippi. In a sense if he needs $, maybe that is a sign that he will have limited capacity to keep twisting much longer?

wanttobehealthy

Sadly I do not think he cares or even is capable of thinking ONE BIT how this will feel to your kids...

He is self absorbed and resentful (aka an untreated alcoholic) so he is acting out like a petulant child, wanting a reaction from you for doing something like this...

I think you have a VALID case to make to a court to ask that they at least assess in some way if it is suitable for your kids to be there for 4 weeks with strangers, and sleeping together on one pull out couch... Doesn't there have to be requirements of space for the kids to be before a parent has overnights?

I am so sorry your ex is this ridiculous but sadly I am not altogether surprised.

PippiLngstockng

I'm not surprised either, wanttobehealthy. This is totally him. It's almost funny. Ladyscribbler's naked boy in his shoes is awfully funny! I'll never forgot that image! Thank you everyone!

I am mad but not as far out crazy mad as these situations have made me in the past. I can laugh. Thank heavens!!!

But I also want to say 'no'. 'No, you can't give someone else's 7 year old our 7-year old's bedroom while our 7 year old sleeps in the scary room downstairs on the couch next to her brothers and sister.' Xah needs money, sure, to pay for more fancy holidays and more lawyers.

I don't know how far my 'no' gets us. I can't pick up this naked kicking toddler and get him in his proper shoes.

Florence

This is classic narcissist behavior. I'll do what you say, but only in the most twisted way possible. He's always standing on the line of what's acceptable and what's not, and since he's not *technically* violating any agreements, you're just standing there tearing your hair out.

The only -- and I mean ONLY -- way to deal with this in my experience is to let it go. Short of being actual legal abuse or actual legal neglect, it is what it is. You can't change him or control him, convince him, talk to him, manipulate him, or coerce him. In my experience it was better to point out to my kids directly what a shame it is he isn't more considerate of their feelings, and discuss the craziness for what it is. My son needed a lot more of that from me than anything else in the long run -- validation that his dad just wasn't always a nice and considerate dad, and that yes, he did deserve better, but also my permission to enjoy the good and decent pieces and parts of his relationship with his dad at the same time. Trips? Dinners out? Those were fun. Everything else? Yeah, weird and exhausting and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Lots of hugs.

It's complicated and VERY messy, but the narcissist usually "wins" when they convince you to spin your wheels over every infraction instead of picking your battles with the long goal in mind. It took me ten years to figure this out. I hope others aren't as hard-headed as I was. I missed a lot of time with my son that could have been spent clearing this wreckage.

PippiLngstockng

Florence,

You totally got it. Thank you.

I wrote to xah and told him to clarify with the children his plans for them. When they come to an agreement, I will schedule the flights.

Now I am stepping back and getting on with my life.

He has been sending all kinds of crazy emails day and night about this visit and every other issue he can roll in. Hopefully now I can ignore these.

BHappy2014

I feel for you. I'm in the middle of a battle myself. As if it's not lonely enough getting separated there has to be odd drama. Custody battles are stressful! Stay strong

involved

Is he possibly doing some kind of house swap vacation? You stay in theirs, they stay in yours?

Hammer

Just my guess, but -- Last stage before he "accidentally" burns the place down.

Is it insured? If you say "Yes," are you really sure?

Bigger picture. Presently you are receiving at least SOME child support, etc., from him, correct? What happens if that goes to zero? Can you survive?

Rosiepetal

Pippi
It almost sounds like he's sending you some kind of underlying message which no one else can work out except his narcissist mind.
I'm not surprised.
Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do legally.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
My word of advice is:
Don't let the B#!ARDS get you down.
Stand tall.
Deep breaths.
One day the kids may see him for who he is, then again they may not.
My eldest I think sees how unreasonable her Dad is sometimes but she loves him all the same & that is just fine by me.
Hugs

PippiLngstockng

I see it as an underlying message too, Rosie. It has something to do with wanting to cause hurt and chaos. The one who is most upset is DD14, as she told him specifically not to rent out her room. This is the same child whose cat 'disappeared' and Dad didn't think to mention it when she returned from Europe to the family house last Christmas.

I handed the summer scheduling over to the older children last night and now the scenario changes. Now xah has DD14 upset with him. DS17 has decided he is only visiting his father for one week, as he has been invited to stay at a friend's mountain chalet this summer. And Xah is remembering that he is going to have consequences if the children are unhappy with him.

Hammer, I think Xah could well burn the house down, too. I keep meaning to ask my lawyer about insurances - life, too. If there's no child support, we are in God's hands. As we are each and every day. That sounds so cold on my part. But I am resigned to the fact that I can't control this thing. I can only try to improve my wage earning potential, be a good mother, and live day to day.

I've had so much bad news this past year. But I am not going under and neither are the children. We may wobble from time to time, but everyone is still studying for their exams, dressing and speaking nicely, playing their sports, petting the cat, and laughing and talking together. Our family is more honest, and we are strong.

Things may keep falling apart, but we are probably going to be okay.

PippiLngstockng

As an aside, another peculiar aspect of his use of the house is that he has only rented to families with young children while he is there, and only for a few months duration or less. DS17 has noted this. Why won't he rent to another single man, for instance?

Because they will see who he is?

CodeJob

Put a lawyer on checking insurances. It rings right what Hammer suggests. As for renting just to families, they are likely cardboard stand ins. He can hear the sound of a family at times and pretend all is fine. Downright freaky.