tjol81

Hey all. I'm just having a bit of a tough day today. It's been 5 weeks since I last spoke to my XAF and I just keep waiting for the drama to start again! I have been doing really well the last couple of weeks and then yesterday and today, I'm getting that old feeling of dread coming back!

He broke off all contact with me under advice of his AA sponser and told me to "f off and leave me alone for 90 days or I'll come get you" because I would "cause him to relapse", and a week ago I received a picture message from him with his 1 month sober token from AA. My initial reaction was "well done you" but 10 seconds later I was seething with anger. Don't get me wrong, I am over the moon he's staying on track and despite my other feelings, I'm happy that he is getting on with things well. I don't know how to take the picture he sent though. He is a very, very vindictive person so I don't know if it was him saying "look what I can achieve when you're not about" or if he is trying to prove that he is getting better and wants me to be happy for him. A mutual friend told me a few days ago that he is doing the 90 days sober thing to spite me - a thought that hadn't even crossed my mind! He's planning on coming back into my life after these 90 days and everything will be OK. I'm still suffering the aftereffects of months of horrific physical, mental and emotional abuse and will be expected to just "move on" without any thought of whether I'll be ready to.

Is there any way I can tell my XAF to just please leave me alone without sounding like I don't support him getting sober. I just don't know how to say it without sounding like a complete a-hole. I do know that every time he contacts me, all the horrific things he put me through come flooding back. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm going out of my mind!

MissFixit

He told you to F off? I would suggest that you leave him alone for good. He is an abuser and an ex? You owe him nothing. Do NOT respond or contact him. If he contacts you, delete it and stay away. This man is messing with your mind and does not care about your well being. The break up is always hard, but this guy sounds dreadful. Are you in therapy?

hopeful4

How about along the lines of, "I am really glad you are working on you and your sobriety. Since you wanted to go NC during this time, I am also working on me. I appreciate the photo and am happy for you, but I really think NC is best for both of us during this time."

And I suggest you actually do this. Take the time to work on you, get support, figure out your wants, needs, etc. and if you want him to even be a part of that.

I also agree w/the above post, you owe him nothing. If he is an abuser get him out of your life. You deserve more!

SparkleKitty

I appreciate that you don't want to come across as an a-hole in your response, or lack thereof, but I have been flabbergasted since your first post with what you have put up with from this "friend'. Healthy people do not allow themselves to be dragged into drama time and time again. Some relationships are just toxic; it's okay to let go of this one, even if he is getting help. Life's too short to spend it wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.

tjol81

Thank you for your responses! I hate whinging and whining and lately, it's all I seem to do!!

All I can say is that agree with all you've all said. I know I've just got to walk away as for the both of us, it'd be the best thing. Part of me had hoped that him telling me to stay away was his way of telling me he'd be out of my life for good. It's not in my nature to get rid of people, and I'm extremely lucky that in 32 years, I've always been surrounded by decent people so have never needed to. I really was ill equipped to deal with such a manipulative scumbag.

Also SparkleKitty - you are right. It was a toxic relationship. He literally is the poisoned chalice. Someone said to me the other day, "you keep talking about how he WOULD act if he's sober rather than how he DOES act when he's using". Very true indeed!! I know I'll be able to forgive all the things he's done, but I won't be able to forget them. That is his doing from the abuse.

I just don't like the fact that if he comes back to me sober after his 90 days, I'm going to have to tell him to stay away. It seems so harsh and that just isn't my character. It'll be like kicking a happy little puppy!!

SparkleKitty

He reaps what he sows.

embraced2000

there is a way to get him to leave you alone.....ignore his texts, calls, etc. can you delete his texts without opening them?

I know how hard this is. i honestly don't think i would ever stick around for another loved ones recovery process. maybe after 2 years of recovery would i consider even dipping my toe in the water again. nahhhh....probably not.

inpieces314

Block his number. Worked for me, until he would just use someone else's phone, but still. Made more work for him.

tjol81

Hey all. It's now been a couple of days since I posted and I'm back on form again. Still having the odd wobble, but not an all out dilemma!!

I've blocked his and his family's phone numbers etc and am just getting on with it. It really is so simple eh!!

Thank you all once again for your support. It's keeping me sane and strong!