Please help a normie figure this out
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Join Date: May 2014
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Please help a normie figure this out
I am a non addicted 45 YO male who enjoys a few beers from time to time. That is it. I met a 41 YO female on a dating sight and nearly immediately fell in love and vice versa. When we met, she came over, saw my Beer growlers, and the beer in my frig. She stated she was an alcoholic and I wouldn't be able to have a drink near her. I told her no prob. She said however I could have a beer with my friends and all would be well. So our relationship progressed and I fell more and more in love. She has been an alcoholic since 13 and in that time has been sober and relapsed many of times. She currently is one in a half years sober. She told me she was the worst and dirtiest of alcoholics. So not being in that world I have no idea what she is talking about. I do know she told me she was using a cane to walk a year ago because of nerve damage and has significant heart issues now. Needless to say, half way through our relationship she dropped the gauntlet on me and told me I could never drink again. The main in her life cannot drink. I asked her about when I go on camping trips with my friends in Utah, could I drink then? She said never. She didn't want me dancing with her demon. I was totally confused on how that could make any difference in the world. Well it turns out six weeks after this I had two beers with pizza with my buddy. I told her and she dumped so fast it made my head spin. This is a woman who was so madly in love with me that she wanted to marry me. Not only that, in my entire life I have never had a woman love me so much. Also, I have never cared for someone so much. I have a great job, retirement, physically in great shape, I made her dinner every night, breakfast every morning, drove to her, drove her everywhere paid for everything, basically treated her like a queen. She told me every man she has ever dated was a piece, abusive, and broke and that she had never been with a man like me. In one second I went from hero to zero. She says that i jeopardized her sobriety and she was risking her life and her daughters for being with me. So I have been trying to wrap my head around what the hell happened. Can anyone out there give me some comforting words to help me understand. I will never see her again. She told me she never wants to hear my voice again. Regardless I am confused and heartbroken.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
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any addicts recovery is a life or death situation.
it is big. larger than anything you could ever imagine.
i'm sure there are many factors involved in this relationship that we are not privy to, so it is difficult to fully understand the whole picture here.
the first thing that jumped out at me was this......i'd like to shake her hand.
nothing at all against you. not at all.
I just know how insidious this addiction is and I have a trembling respect for it. if she felt her sobriety, serenity, peace, and recovery were threatened, she did the right thing for her.
sorry you got hurt.
it is big. larger than anything you could ever imagine.
i'm sure there are many factors involved in this relationship that we are not privy to, so it is difficult to fully understand the whole picture here.
the first thing that jumped out at me was this......i'd like to shake her hand.
nothing at all against you. not at all.
I just know how insidious this addiction is and I have a trembling respect for it. if she felt her sobriety, serenity, peace, and recovery were threatened, she did the right thing for her.
sorry you got hurt.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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My guess would be:
1) She may not fully be working an active recovery program. Lots of issues to be sorted through.
2) You drink more often than you're stating. You probably are a normie, so forgive me here.
One of the symptoms of alcoholism is denial and minimizing so it really is impossible to tell from this. Your story about how much you drink was my husband's story at one point in time. Maybe she saw warning signs and realized it was not good for her.
And then... yeah, I think embraced got it in a nutshell. Sobriety first. I do so very much admire that!
My sympathy also. Have you attended any Alanon meetings? AA is for them, Alanon is for us. It may help you find some understanding and self healing.
1) She may not fully be working an active recovery program. Lots of issues to be sorted through.
2) You drink more often than you're stating. You probably are a normie, so forgive me here.
One of the symptoms of alcoholism is denial and minimizing so it really is impossible to tell from this. Your story about how much you drink was my husband's story at one point in time. Maybe she saw warning signs and realized it was not good for her.And then... yeah, I think embraced got it in a nutshell. Sobriety first. I do so very much admire that!
My sympathy also. Have you attended any Alanon meetings? AA is for them, Alanon is for us. It may help you find some understanding and self healing.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yeah, you're not going to find any answers that you will like here, more than likely.
She stated her truth, she set a boundary. You apparently stepped through her boundary. She has no other choice at that moment.
Sorry you're hurting. Some alcoholics are very sure about this particular boundary. Maybe she was not sure about it when she first fell in love with you, but came to realize it was a deal breaker. Relationships fall apart for much less, but that doesn't ease your pain right now.
All you can do is ride it out. The emotions will be all over the place for a couple days. This too will pass.
She stated her truth, she set a boundary. You apparently stepped through her boundary. She has no other choice at that moment.
Sorry you're hurting. Some alcoholics are very sure about this particular boundary. Maybe she was not sure about it when she first fell in love with you, but came to realize it was a deal breaker. Relationships fall apart for much less, but that doesn't ease your pain right now.
All you can do is ride it out. The emotions will be all over the place for a couple days. This too will pass.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I suppose I can only speak for me. I personally do not try to define whether or not a loved one in my life is "allowed" to drink - however, that's me. I think it's none of my business, frankly, until it violates my boundary. Saying "don't drink in front of me" makes more sense than saying you can't drink at all. Even then, it's always in my power to simply leave the scene itself where drinking is going on (ie, it's not "you can't drink" - it's here's what I'll do to keep myself safe). I would much rather spend time with people that are, in that moment, not drinking. Not because of judgment, but because I do not trust myself with my disease. I definitely feel uncomfortable when my wife drinks (she is not addicted), but I simply state that if I feel too uncomfortable I will simply take a breather for a while - take a break outside for a few minutes to get over the feelings of nausea and come back (haven't had to do that by the way). I stay away from things that are triggers. No big camping trips where my siblings do nothing but "tie it on", avoid the bars, etc. I can't speak for this woman, but it is possible that your relationship with alcohol scared the cr** out of her. It's nothing personal - it might be that even hearing about alcohol is a major trigger for her and she stepped away. Or, she's being completely frank and wanted to cut alcohol from her life completely including even a hint of a possibility of an issue with you and alcohol being a point of no return. It may be analogous to my feelings that I can love someone dearly but remove myself from the situation to keep myself safe. She may love you dearly but chose to get out of a situation that even whiffs of the involvement of alcohol - certainly harsh from the perspective of a non-addict. Life and death type decision from the perspective of an addict. She might not trust herself - or not trust you? (we addicts can spot addiction with little effort whatsoever - it's like we have radar). What's going on with her feelings, for real, I don't know - I can't speak for her.
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Join Date: May 2010
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And welcome to the world of alcoholism. Where things happen so fast, you're left wondering what hit you. Like you said, hero to zero in one second. That, unfortunately, is normal in this realm. I have been in the same boat and it's not fun when it capsizes.
Others here are right, however. She did state her boundary and when it was crossed, she made the decision to protect her sobriety. Some alcoholics are okay with others' drinking. Some are not. She made it clear that she was not.
I'm sorry that you're heartbroken. One day you may look back and discover that she has done you a favor. As many of us have learned the painful way, there is no guarantee of lifelong sobriety for the recovering alcoholic. Relapses can be a nightmare. The recovery/relapse/breakup/makeup roller coaster had to come to a grinding halt in my world because it was slowly killing me. She may have saved you from that same experience.
Others here are right, however. She did state her boundary and when it was crossed, she made the decision to protect her sobriety. Some alcoholics are okay with others' drinking. Some are not. She made it clear that she was not.
I'm sorry that you're heartbroken. One day you may look back and discover that she has done you a favor. As many of us have learned the painful way, there is no guarantee of lifelong sobriety for the recovering alcoholic. Relapses can be a nightmare. The recovery/relapse/breakup/makeup roller coaster had to come to a grinding halt in my world because it was slowly killing me. She may have saved you from that same experience.
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Join Date: May 2014
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I appreciate all of your honesty. I too am amazed that someone could do what she did to protect herself. I guess I just didn't understand how me having a beer outside of her purview could cause a problem for her. I mean, really, had I never told her, she would have never known.
She said "no, i don't believe you're an alcoholic" and she called me a casual drinker. I have maybe tops 6 beers a week. I love craft beer and have no more than two at once. I get it I guess. I crossed her line. I have never experienced anything this severe over what seemed like such a minor infraction. She did say she had to protect her life and the life of her daughter. I guess you're all right, Kudos to her. In the meantime I got whacked and will have to lick my wounds and move on.
She said "no, i don't believe you're an alcoholic" and she called me a casual drinker. I have maybe tops 6 beers a week. I love craft beer and have no more than two at once. I get it I guess. I crossed her line. I have never experienced anything this severe over what seemed like such a minor infraction. She did say she had to protect her life and the life of her daughter. I guess you're all right, Kudos to her. In the meantime I got whacked and will have to lick my wounds and move on.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by secondmanup 
I appreciate all of your honesty. I too am amazed that someone could do what she did to protect herself. I guess I just didn't understand how me having a beer outside of her purview could cause a problem for her. I mean, really, had I never told her, she would have never known.
She said "no, i don't believe you're an alcoholic" and she called me a casual drinker. I have maybe tops 6 beers a week. I love craft beer and have no more than two at once. I get it I guess. I crossed her line. I have never experienced anything this severe over what seemed like such a minor infraction. She did say she had to protect her life and the life of her daughter. I guess you're all right, Kudos to her. In the meantime I got whacked and will have to lick my wounds and move on.
She said "no, i don't believe you're an alcoholic" and she called me a casual drinker. I have maybe tops 6 beers a week. I love craft beer and have no more than two at once. I get it I guess. I crossed her line. I have never experienced anything this severe over what seemed like such a minor infraction. She did say she had to protect her life and the life of her daughter. I guess you're all right, Kudos to her. In the meantime I got whacked and will have to lick my wounds and move on.
I'm sorry you got hurt but man you really are fortunate to get out of this relationship. My suggestion is not to analyze it and just heal. You will never understand an active user. They don't think like a normal person.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by secondmanup
I know I might be over analyzing like radiant has told me not to but, was she jealous if I was having a drink outside of her view? Why would that matter?
This is how it begins secondmanup. You will never be able to wrap your head around it. As soon as you think you have wham!!! You weren't even close.
I use to be a normie and now I am codependent.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
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Originally Posted by secondmanup
I know I might be over analyzing like radiant has told me not to but, was she jealous if I was having a drink outside of her view? Why would that matter?
who knows? it could be just about anything.
it could be that she is protective of her recovery.
could be that after spending a little time in the relationship, she wanted out and used the recovery story as a way to exit instead of being honest.
point is.....if it was first option.....facts according to you states that she kept changing the rules. not good.
if the second option is correct....who needs that kind of b.s.? not good.
and just for info, if you want to share.....how much time did this relationship last?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
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oh.
grateful can come in many forms. takes many shapes. doesn't always appear as grace in the beginning.
be grateful that you only had 90 days invested in this.
falling in love with someone usually takes more time.
grateful can come in many forms. takes many shapes. doesn't always appear as grace in the beginning.
be grateful that you only had 90 days invested in this.
falling in love with someone usually takes more time.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Too good to be true - especially in 3 months and she has a kid!? Most single moms I know don't even let their kids meet who they are dating for a LoNG time.
Out of the FOG - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Out of the FOG - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
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My husband initially said he didn't care if I drank around him.
When he first moved in I would…not often but sometimes after a dinner out we would go to a bar so I could have a cocktail. He started drinking non =alcoholic beers after a couple of months.
Mind you this really was not often. Maybe 3 -4 times. I never drank at home.
Such began his relapse. He did go into a full blown one. He can't go to bars. He cannot be around triggering memories. He just cannot. Every great once in a while I may have a glass of wine if we are at a social gathering that's not a big deal.
Anywho…..Sounds like this woman has been through the ringer with her alcoholism. She may not be able to around alcohol period. Ever. I have all but given it up I may have 3 - 4 drinks in a year. Don't miss it. That's been the bonus of being with an RAH. No more hangover's!
When he first moved in I would…not often but sometimes after a dinner out we would go to a bar so I could have a cocktail. He started drinking non =alcoholic beers after a couple of months.
Mind you this really was not often. Maybe 3 -4 times. I never drank at home.
Such began his relapse. He did go into a full blown one. He can't go to bars. He cannot be around triggering memories. He just cannot. Every great once in a while I may have a glass of wine if we are at a social gathering that's not a big deal.
Anywho…..Sounds like this woman has been through the ringer with her alcoholism. She may not be able to around alcohol period. Ever. I have all but given it up I may have 3 - 4 drinks in a year. Don't miss it. That's been the bonus of being with an RAH. No more hangover's!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Originally Posted by secondmanup
I believe it to be the first option. Just days before she was stating she wanted me to marry her. We were very in love. It wasn't my imagination.
Please read posts here and see how much pain and suffering some including myself has gone through. 90 days is too short, If I was you I would be working on my self esteem.
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