No no no....
 

Oh boy, I've stepped into a mess in my own head. I could use some ESH. Long story short:
I met a guy 1.5 years ago, a single friend of my sister's who happens to be my age and is retired from the Marines as a helicopter pilot and now owns his own franchise business in her city(she lives 13 hours from me).

My sister had a crush on him at the time so I remember talking to him at a party and liking him as a person and thought he was a nice guy, but that was it. I was checking him out....FOR HER...really, I was!

He friended me on FB shortly after that but he didn't seem to be on there much so I didn't even notice him. Recently, he's been on FB more and had commented on one of my posts about investing and interest rates. He told me he'd love to talk about it over the phone.

We went back and forth with a few FB messages and finally I called him 2 weeks ago. We wound up on the phone for nearly 2 hours and talked about EVERYTHING. My issues, his divorce, his kids, my kid, religion, the economy, blah blah blah. It was exhilarating to talk to an adult and not feel judged and to feel like someone else is on the same wavelength as you.

He knew I was reading a book and wanted to know what I thought of it when I finished. So, I finished it this weekend, texted him and we've gone back and forth a few times today. Totally harmless stuff. Honestly, it really is harmless but in my mind, I've created a scenario where we wind up together forever in a cute farmhouse with a white picket fence!

GAH! What is wrong with me??? I mean, I'm still married. This guy lives 13 hours away. I know it's just fantasy but I need to focus on the present and getting my life squared away so what am I doing getting distracted mentally by a man who isn't even a part of my real life. There is a part of me, though, that thinks: well, if there are other guys out there like him, that at least gives me hope that I won't be alone for the rest of my life!

Liz - you are married.

Ditto Raider.


Slippery slope.


Of course there are men out there.



You didn't talk about everything in two hours.

No, no, no.

Yep, exactly!!! And, exactly why I titled the thread as I did. I need to get control of my thoughts and reign myself back in. Just because my AH has printed a separation agreement and took off his wedding ring and joined a dating site a few months ago(says he deleted his profile), doesn't mean I'm not married. I need to find the source of what I'm trying to fill in my head and work on that first.

I can recognize that what I'm doing is purely fantasy and in my own head only. I get that. Now, I just need to focus on putting my energy on the things that are important, including and most importantly, my recovery!

Grass is always greener...

You don't know that it's only in your head. It may be in his head, too. Before this goes any further, you need to stop the texting/messaging. Nothing good can come of this and if your husband should find out, it could be very bad.

It doesn't matter that your husband has drawn up a separation agreement and stopped wearing his wedding ring. You have made the decision, at this point, to stay in the marriage. If you want to separate from your husband, then do that before starting an online/telephone relationship with another man.

so what am I doing getting distracted mentally by a man who isn't even a part of my real life.

getting mentally distracted from real life....

I don't really see a problem with this.

Everyone has fantasies. It's like the same with men and porno.

You know nothing is going to happen, you said it yourself. There is nothing wrong with imagining a life that could have been different.

And then of course, nothing ever turns out the way you want it. He could actually be a total loser in real life.

Thank you: yes, that was a better way of putting it!

I know this isn't a feasible thing and, quite frankly, it's not really in my personality to even go there in reality. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, whether I stay married or not. I think I was just enjoying the distraction that I was creating and then chastising myself for even allowing my brain to go there.

As Stung said, the grass is always greener....and sometimes, it's not. I've learned that lesson in other ways, too.

I think you are imagining a happier life for yourself without doing anything wrong, really. You need to be able to imagine a better future if you are going to ever takes necessary steps to make it real. And I don't mean be with this particular helicopter pilot. But maybe there is going to be a cute farmhouse and a nice guy pouring you a fresh carrot juice in your life ahead.

Definitely allow yourself to dream.

Well, I am very vulnerable to this sort of thing and have spun a few stories in my head. Thus far my logic keeps me with the devil I know.

Maybe allowing yourself this break from reality means you need to reassess your "marriage"? Maybe you are done? Better read up on emotional affairs and see if you have crossed into that territory. Hugs Liz. It is awful when you connect with someone and realize you are not being validated by your "life partner."

Thank you! No, I haven't crossed into that territory, believe me. Nor do I plan to and hence the reason I came out here on the forums to bring out out in the open for my own accountability's sake. I figure that if I let it fester and develop in my own crazy mind, I will let it get out of control.

Pippi made a good point: envisioning a happier future, whether with or without a man is probably a good thing. I think what threw me for a loop this past week was that a few months ago I swore I'd stay single for the rest of my life and that I didn't want to have anything to do with men EVER again. And, all of a sudden I find myself fantasizing? What the h*ll? Again, that's the reason I posted here and I will be speaking to my sponsor and therapist later this week, too. Just like with an addiction, better to nip it in the bud now, right?

sometimes, because of our own insecurities, we think we need confirmation from an outside interest (flirtation?) that we are still desired. I get that.

the big BUT here, is that if we continue on that path of confirmation, we drag all of our emotional baggage from our last relationship right into the presence of the next potential relationship....whether it is minor or major.

physician, heal thyself.

I get that you are married. I think that emotional affairs can devastate marriages. BUT. Wow. We forget what it feels like to connect to, and converse with adults. To have a simple conversation feels dangerous and intimate--b/c there's none of it at home.

We all deserve some social happiness and joy in our lives. If your head is running away w/you, maybe it doesn't mean an affair is about to happen. Maybe it means you aren't getting your needs for friendship and intellectual stimulation met in your relationship--so when you encounter friendship and shared interests, it's overpowering instead of normal?

We deal with so much anguish, left in our laps by thoughtless As. Don't discount your joy, or try to shut it off. Maybe a man online isn't the place to get it, but I'm glad to see you touching on that feeling. It's good stuff.

The grass is greener where you water it. Set your sprinklers carefully. :)

Maybe it is a good reminder that staying in an unhappy relationship will take away any chance at a happy one or a happy single life. I have followed your story, but I do not really understand why you stay. It all sounds stressful and unstable, so tbh, I am impressed that it took you this long to start imagining something else. Not that I think you should act on it and create a mess, but I think as a reminder it’s good because you need to remind yourself that relationships are meant to feel good...*hugs*

I am saying this as someone who is in a new relationship after the alcoholic. I had forgotten how nice and comfortable and stress-free it can be.

I met hank when I was still married.

mike and I had been together for 14 years, the latter 7 of those years married. I realized getting married was a mistake ON my wedding day. but what was done was done. and we had a good life. he was a good man. and it provided a stable environment for my daughter who I co-parented with her dad, my first husband.

but I knew I wanted OUT. I planned and plotted. but she was in parochial school thru 8th grade, then on to private girls' high school and I didn't want to disrupt that. then it was time to consider college, and I didn't want to disrupt that either. 7 years, til she got IN to college for me to truly consider leaving.

and I WAS leaving. it was a matter of timing....I kept a spreadsheet that listed the needs of him staying in the house and being able to pay for all the bills and for me to live somewhere else and be ok. so the plan was made...it was a matter of putting it in to action.

and then I met hank. on my birthday, when my husband out of town for business. I had NO plans of meeting some new GUY and heading off into happily ever after. (nor am I in anyway justifying what truly is unacceptable behavior!!!!!) but our paths crossed, and I took him home with me and we spent the weekend together. and then he left. and that was supposed to be that.

but I kept thinking of how I felt sitting on my couch watching football with a virtual stranger, sharing a can of chili and feeling more relaxed and more MYSELF then I had in YEARS. like decades.

and I knew without question IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO.

I met hank on oct 27 and I was moving OUT on jan 12. hank was not my REASON for leaving, but he served as the catalyst..held open a door or a window and said LOOK outside, thee is a whole life you are missing out on. I didn't leave so I could BE with hank....I left because I absolutely HAD to for my own life.

when we exist in a space that does not enhance and support who WE are, when we live in a situation where we cannot be yourself but instead act out acceptable roles, when the person we share our life with is not who we WANT to share OUR life with (but instead share THEIR life), then we live in a prison....a prison of spirit. and often, more often than not, THEY did not lock us in.........WE DID.

liz - maybe this isn't about HIM, the new 1300 mile away guy....but maybe it's about LIZ...liz having adult discussion about a variety of stimulating topics, being allowed to speak.....and being HEARD. maybe THAT is the hook.......not him, but YOU.....

from my own experience... I was in an abusive marriage.

I saw how happy and content my best friend was, she was engaged to be married.. they of course had issues, we all do, but they went to counseling and worked on it.

I was not able to do that in my marriage.

So yes, the outside world confirmed to me that I was not in a happy or even a good relationship.

Sometimes God has a way of shaking us up.. making us face reality in a gentle way.

You've just experienced "normal". Feels pretty good, doesn't it?

Got some thinking to do girl...