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Old 05-07-2014, 12:22 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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There is nothing more lonely than being surrounded by a room full of people and feeling all alone.

So maybe you are continuing you journey of discovering what doesn't work for you today ~ maybe this is a lesson to reveal something you need in your life ~ the ability to have a healthy person to be able to communicate with on a sane level.

It may not be this guy ~ maybe he is just a tool your HP used to let you know there is a life out there for you if you want it, if & when you are ready and that you will be perfectly ok when the time is ready. . .

Maybe this is just another step in the process of helping you decide
"Hey Liz, what do you want to do with this life you have to live?"

Just throwing something out there to think about - take what you like & leave the rest . . .

pink hugs,
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Old 05-07-2014, 12:35 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post
Grass is always greener...
Where you water it.
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Old 05-07-2014, 02:11 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Liz, I read your posts all the time, I don't always respond, perhaps it's because it triggers me. What I mean by that, is that I was always trying to change myself, always wanting to take the blame for things, because I knew, that was the only thing or person that I could fix, I could fix "me". So not only did I take all of the blame that my ex wanted to give me, I also continued to give myself more blame.

After all, I can fix that, can't I??????

I didn't want a divorce, never wanted a divorce, but you know what I found out? I kept fixing me, and fixing me, till I didn't know who "me" was.

So for me, I can only thank the night that I went out, and was able to see for myself that whatever BS I was feeding myself, or he was trying to feed me, was just BS.

Please Liz, stop trying to fix you, so that you will be OK for him.

Take that moment or moments as an awakening to the fact that you really are a person.

Not once did I think you were having an emotional affair. I only thought that this is Liz. Liz who wants to know what life is on the outside.

Well, now you know that other people actually like you and find you are interesting. Not the worst thing in the world, is it?
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Old 05-07-2014, 03:36 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post
Liz, I read your posts all the time, I don't always respond, perhaps it's because it triggers me. What I mean by that, is that I was always trying to change myself, always wanting to take the blame for things, because I knew, that was the only thing or person that I could fix, I could fix "me". So not only did I take all of the blame that my ex wanted to give me, I also continued to give myself more blame.

After all, I can fix that, can't I??????

I didn't want a divorce, never wanted a divorce, but you know what I found out? I kept fixing me, and fixing me, till I didn't know who "me" was.

So for me, I can only thank the night that I went out, and was able to see for myself that whatever BS I was feeding myself, or he was trying to feed me, was just BS.

Please Liz, stop trying to fix you, so that you will be OK for him.

Take that moment or moments as an awakening to the fact that you really are a person.

Not once did I think you were having an emotional affair. I only thought that this is Liz. Liz who wants to know what life is on the outside.

Well, now you know that other people actually like you and find you are interesting. Not the worst thing in the world, is it?
I just want to be clear that I'm not fixing myself for 'him' or for anybody but myself and my Higher Power. I know that what my AH wants is for me to fix myself BACK to the way I was before and I don't ever want to go there again.

I think many of the other reasons that I've held back on becoming single are about my own vanity issues. It's the 'I'll never be enough for someone else' mentality or the 'no one could love me with my crooked teeth, etc(insert flaws here)'. I have a hard time overcoming my own flaws so I figure that's immediately what people see. THAT is totally part of my recovery: learning to love myself for who I am, flaws and all, whether they be cosmetic or character flaws. It's not about AH, it's about accepting me for me. So, when I had that phone conversation with a man (who has met me in person a few times) who seemed very genuine, I immediately got my ego stroked. As I said before, I get that it was way more about me than about him. He could be a psychopath behind closed doors, LOL, but it was about where my mind was going and how I was feeling about myself, too.

Amy, I don't think I really directed my comment above specifically to you. I was just typing along and went with what came to me at the time, LOL!
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Old 05-07-2014, 03:55 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Liz, I do know that you didn't specifically answer to me. I think you are just answering to yourself, and I do appreciate that.

As to examining yourself though, I do the same thing. Actually still do it. There is a lot of stuff that we never really went through and looked at, to see why we feel the way we do about ourself, and sometimes we even question, when other people don't see the faults that we see in ourselves.

OK, maybe too much info, too much TMI, so for minors, please skip over this.

I never posted this on this board. Never really talked about it with anyone, maybe a therapist a little. I had cervical cancer. It was stage 3B. I had to have internal radiation. It shrunk my vagina. I no longer know if I can ever have normal sexual intercourse. It hurts too much. I also had crooked teeth. It was because of all of the stress, and grinding my teeth in my sleep. I pushed one tooth out so far, that I looked like a hillbilly. (Sorry if I am offending anyone here, didn't mean too, guess it's just an expression.)

I have lots of things wrong with me, or things that I was told that was wrong with me. I'm almost flat chested, my a$$ is too round and big, I could put myself down forever. Is that what you want to do????

I was told that if someone really loves you, they love your flaws, and the flaws that you think you have is what makes you beautiful to them.
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:00 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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All the flaws that I think I have, are all the flaws that someone told me about. I call all of that BS now. I wish you would do the same.

You are a wonderful, attractive, beautiful person, with a beautiful soul. Thats how I see you.
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:26 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Healing starts when you begin to see yourself as a person. When you are no longer listening to others describe you. When you begin to love yourself as a person. We all have flaws and that is what makes us special. Sometimes though we need to let go of the flaws that others foisted on us.

Think about that for awhile. I can't watch you trying to change yourself more and more till you think you are perfect. I tried that, it didnt work. There was still something else wrong with me, or at least I was told that.

You know that song----- I love you just the way you are.
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Old 05-07-2014, 05:00 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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I don't think there are hard and fast "rules" about what is "ok" and what is not. Do you think what happened isn't ok because YOU think that or because somewhere along the way you were taught that was the "rule" and the "way things are"?

I have a friend who is married and has been separated (not even legally just separated) from her husband for I don't know 8 years now. He has a live in girlfriend and she of course is dating....do some people disapprove? Yes...so what? All that matters is how THEY (the people involved not the peanut gallery) feel about it.

And...I personally don't think a piece of paper means squat if the marriage has no emotional or physical basis....that's just me. I don't know about your marriage but in mine it was non-physical and non-emotional for YEARS before I left...I may have been living there existing but I certainly wasn't married in the true sense of the word. All that said one thing I do know about the couple I mentioned above as well as me and my XRAH (legally separated only) - we are honest about what is happening....

Slippery slope...I don't know...does it matter? Does talking to someone make you a bad person...not in my eyes....in the end you know you situation and you know in your gut what you want....what a bunch of people say matters not...it's just a matter of finding that gut and following it IMHO.

(I have no idea what the point of my post is...eessh...but I'll leave it in case there is something in there)

PS - I had those insecurities about not being able to find someone once I left....I am dating a younger guy and have others I've dated here and there...there is no shortage (and no I'm not dating to "distract" myself - how ridiculous - I'm dating because I'm FINALLY living after years of not doing so in an alcoholic marriage)
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Old 05-08-2014, 07:31 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Reading the responses I am struck by one amazing thing that I think many inappropriate behaviors and I know addictions feed on......secrets and half-truths.

I don't read much of what people have posted here as inappropriate, because they have been upfront and straightforward about it. Liz I think that is what I so admire about you and all your posts....you are trying to find your own truth and share it. That is great and beautiful. For me that is what keeps me coming back to this board.

Sure someone else's poor behavior hurts....but it being hidden, downplayed etc is worse (and many of us have been there with addiction). A similarity for me in an affair was the downplaying, gaslighting and I will NEVER know the truth of the situation. At the time without a lot of addiction recovery under my belt it was similar to the addiction....because of those similarities.

What that looks like for another is not mine to determine, but it sure feels different when it is upfront and straightforward like so many of you have written about.

Thanks for helping me to keeps my happy perspective about my faith in human beings.
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Old 05-09-2014, 07:07 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Hi Liz,

I hesitated to post b/c I was cheated on and it was devastating to me. I am much better than I was and am glad that I am no longer with my ex, now.

If you hide or keep secrets from your ah/rah about this guy, then I think that is what qualifies something as an emotional affair. Doesn't matter what you share exactly, but if you purposely keep it from hubs, then the secretiveness (is that a word) makes it shady. It hubs knows you talk to this guy and doesn't bat an eye, then that is different. Then, this guy is just another friend.

With that said, you have caught yourself and recognized that you don't want to do that and your emotional needs are not being met in current marriage. That is all positive. How to proceed? Marriage counseling? Separation? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

With my current beau, I tell him about guys that contact me or anything I think might bug him. So far, he has never seemed to mind me communicating with old (long time extinguished) flames from my youth. I stay friends with everyone I genuinely like and that does include boys, ugh men I guess. The reason I tell bf about any communications or run ins (at store/ on street) is to keep myself accountable and also sensitive to his feelings. I have had a couple married guy friends contact me just to talk and I could tell their wives did not know. I ceased communicating with those guys b/c I did not want to open a can of worms. I actually really like them as friends, but their secretiveness made me uncomfortable.

Dont know if this helps, but hope it adds some dimension.
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Old 05-09-2014, 09:30 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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On my phone & haven't read all replies but - I did a lot of daydreaming back when I was with AXH. Some of it connected with other people, some of it not.

For me, it was a way to escape a reality I didn't want to deal with.

But communication with another adult can also be a reality check for quite how dysfunctional your current relationship is. Hold on to that realization.
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