FireSprite

My interpretation of this kind of scenario has been that he's not choosing to NOT drink on those occasions, he's simply choosing to wait until later. It doesn't represent an ability or desire to quit, just to delay it until specific events are over.

Many alcoholics maintain this illusion of control (as another poster pointed out) for years until at some point in the later stages when they lose the power of "choice" to the physical dependency.


You already know in your logical, rational mind that you aren't responsible for him whether he drinks or not, but it's not always so easy to feel that same way in our hearts when we love someone. You guys sound pretty enmeshed despite being separated.... what do you do for YOUR recovery separate from him other than just living apart? Perhaps these feelings are a sign that you need more attention to your own recovery efforts instead?

hopeful4

I so agree with FS on her above post! Well said!

You know, regarding him wanting to go for a walk. The thing is, this is why they need a sponsor, and it cannot be you. Sure, you can encourage him to get help and encourage him not to drink. However, when he needs true help, keep me away from the booze type of help, he needs to have someone to reach out to that has experienced just this type of thing. You are much to close to the situation to be his support system, you need your own!

Good luck!

netta1966

Very true. I need to focus on my recovery and I thought at one point I was doing well and then I backslide back into my old ways. Up in his business again. I guess I need to work on not doing so much with him to help me. And it's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. If I didn't love him so much even with all the pain and heartache he's given me. No wish I didn't care for him so much.

hopeful4

I understand that. Of course when you love someone you want them to recover, how could you not?!

Certainly you should still support his recovery as he should yours, you just cannot be in charge of it! Only you are the captain of your own ship.

XXX

FireSprite

It's easy to backslide in our recoveries when there is no active, earth-shattering drama isn't it?

So easy to get complacent when the urgency isn't there... but I have found that that is when I need it the MOST. Why? Because if/when the drama does cycle back up again I am coming from a stronger, healthier, solidly-anchored-in-my-recovery-point & I handle it all so much better. It's just like anything else - if your boat springs a leaky spot it's a heckuva lot easier to patch/fix it on dry land (preventative maintenance) than it is when you are out at sea taking on water. (crisis-survival mode) I can dig much deeper into the roots of my issues & that translates to longer-term healing for me as well.

((((HUGS)))) None of this is easy!