Important day - don't understand
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Important day - don't understand
Hello,
So today is a big day for my son JG and I. First, JG has a important doctor's appointment. Hopefully today we get some answers regarding his speech delay. Second, I have mediation for custody and visitation of JG.
AXBF,JG's dad, who is an recovery alcoholic. He's now one month sober and in a inpatient program. I text and called AXBF last week about JG appointment. So to me I figured he will be there. He texted me back saying he will let me know if he's going. AXBF's inpatient program is at the same medical location. Different building from JG'S appointment. So late last night I get a text from him:
AXBF: Im not going to the dr appointment tomorrow. If u want we can set up a time and we can talk on the phone about the appointment.
ME: K, why aren't you going?
AXBF: Cause it isnt good for me
ME: Yea I still don't get it and I probably never will.
AXBF: OK
Maybe it's just me but I really don't understand AXBF at all anymore. He can go out with friends but can't make it to a important DR appointment. That really just pissed me off.
Today is court mediation too. I have a feeling he's not going to show up for that either. Anyone know what happens if he doesn't show up?
So today is a big day for my son JG and I. First, JG has a important doctor's appointment. Hopefully today we get some answers regarding his speech delay. Second, I have mediation for custody and visitation of JG.
AXBF,JG's dad, who is an recovery alcoholic. He's now one month sober and in a inpatient program. I text and called AXBF last week about JG appointment. So to me I figured he will be there. He texted me back saying he will let me know if he's going. AXBF's inpatient program is at the same medical location. Different building from JG'S appointment. So late last night I get a text from him:
AXBF: Im not going to the dr appointment tomorrow. If u want we can set up a time and we can talk on the phone about the appointment.
ME: K, why aren't you going?
AXBF: Cause it isnt good for me
ME: Yea I still don't get it and I probably never will.
AXBF: OK
Maybe it's just me but I really don't understand AXBF at all anymore. He can go out with friends but can't make it to a important DR appointment. That really just pissed me off.
Today is court mediation too. I have a feeling he's not going to show up for that either. Anyone know what happens if he doesn't show up?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Christina,
I hope the MD appt is useful and they can help intervene with your JG's speech delay. Keep your focus on your responsibility to raise JG.
What JGs father does is a big question mark so just focus on what you need to do for JG.
Hugs. Skip all the drama and recrimination and just get things done for JG.
I hope the MD appt is useful and they can help intervene with your JG's speech delay. Keep your focus on your responsibility to raise JG.
What JGs father does is a big question mark so just focus on what you need to do for JG.
Hugs. Skip all the drama and recrimination and just get things done for JG.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I've read a lot on this site from others who speak of the same frustration when their AH/ABFs are in recovery.
I'm sorry you are going through this. One of the things that I've learned and am STILL learning is how to keep the focus on you. Sounds really tough, and I'm struggling with it. But in our own recovery, it seems essential.
Good luck the docs office today. Pray that things go well for you!
I'm sorry you are going through this. One of the things that I've learned and am STILL learning is how to keep the focus on you. Sounds really tough, and I'm struggling with it. But in our own recovery, it seems essential.
Good luck the docs office today. Pray that things go well for you!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Hi, I don't blame you for being annoyed, but what can you do? You've kept him informed but maybe he thinks it's the mother's job. As long as you're there to care for his son.....
Anyway, note it down in your diary. If he doesn't turn up for the court mediation, that will be noted too. When the time comes, it will be on his record.
Anyway, note it down in your diary. If he doesn't turn up for the court mediation, that will be noted too. When the time comes, it will be on his record.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Originally Posted by christinastar10 
Hello,
So I just got a text from him today saying the reason why he isn't going is because he doesn't need to see me. Lol
This guy is ridiculous.
So I just got a text from him today saying the reason why he isn't going is because he doesn't need to see me. Lol
This guy is ridiculous.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Yes, he is ridiculous. It might be time to start adjusting your expectations of him to something more realistic.
He is self-obsessed = he can't see past his own nose. It is not reasonable to expect him to suddenly become Father of the Year or to put ANYONE's needs (including his son's!) before his own.
Until you can accept him for who he really is, his actions will continue to baffle and confuse you. If you expect him to behave NOT like an addict (recovering or not), you will just keep being disappointed.
Focus on yourself and your son, no matter what inane choices your X makes, and you will move past all of this drama and nonsense. Sending you strength and patience.
He is self-obsessed = he can't see past his own nose. It is not reasonable to expect him to suddenly become Father of the Year or to put ANYONE's needs (including his son's!) before his own.
Until you can accept him for who he really is, his actions will continue to baffle and confuse you. If you expect him to behave NOT like an addict (recovering or not), you will just keep being disappointed.
Focus on yourself and your son, no matter what inane choices your X makes, and you will move past all of this drama and nonsense. Sending you strength and patience.
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For a possible different look at it... he is in inpatient rehab. To me that equals needing to be self-obsessed; staying focused on himself, attending his classes and meetings. It could even be that he received advice not to see you and JG right now. That doesn't mean JG isn't important. AXBF needs to make sobriety his *most* important thing. That he is doing this seems like a good thing to me.
I learned at family week that my husband's sobriety needs to be more important than anything else. He can't be there for us if he doesn't somehow learn to first be there for himself and his sobriety. Not all rehabs allow cell phones. The one my husband went to didn't even allow outside reading material. From 6:30am to 10pm their days were planned. Any down time still had homework and reading material that related to recovery. And then being back in the real world is a huge challenge. An alcoholics natural state is to drink. Drinking makes the brain feel normal. Learning to live sober is not easy.
Good luck with JG's appt today, and the mediation! (((hugs)))
I learned at family week that my husband's sobriety needs to be more important than anything else. He can't be there for us if he doesn't somehow learn to first be there for himself and his sobriety. Not all rehabs allow cell phones. The one my husband went to didn't even allow outside reading material. From 6:30am to 10pm their days were planned. Any down time still had homework and reading material that related to recovery. And then being back in the real world is a huge challenge. An alcoholics natural state is to drink. Drinking makes the brain feel normal. Learning to live sober is not easy.
Good luck with JG's appt today, and the mediation! (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
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I think KeepintheFaith makes an excellent point. He really does need to make himself and his sobriety a priority if he's going to succeed. I know it doesn't help you much, but maybe in the future he'll be a better father to your son because of it.
In the meantime, if you don't expect anything of him, you won't be disappointed. You know who and what he is. There are a lot of things that good parents do for their kids, but if he isn't capable of that, then put it out of your mind. Your energy is better spent on being the best mom to your son that you can possibly be. Spend your time and mental energy on the one who truly deserves it.
In the meantime, if you don't expect anything of him, you won't be disappointed. You know who and what he is. There are a lot of things that good parents do for their kids, but if he isn't capable of that, then put it out of your mind. Your energy is better spent on being the best mom to your son that you can possibly be. Spend your time and mental energy on the one who truly deserves it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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agree with the above...the sooner YOU drop any expectations of him, the more serenity YOU will have. if you still wish to keep him INFORMED on updates with your child, fine. but leave it at that. do not assume anything about him. he's your ex....he's messed up and just barely starting on recovery, and can't really be counted on to accurately tell time much less anything else.
it sux, but IT IS WHAT IT IS. and he is who he is.
how did the custody meeting go?
it sux, but IT IS WHAT IT IS. and he is who he is.
how did the custody meeting go?
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Thank u all!
I guess I have to expect nothing from him. Even though he continues to say JG means everything to him.
So today JG was diagnosed with Austism. So I called AXBF to let him know. All he did was say to let him know when his up coming appointments are and he can take him without seeing get me. Lol I just told him bye and hung up. Lol
I guess I have to expect nothing from him. Even though he continues to say JG means everything to him.
So today JG was diagnosed with Austism. So I called AXBF to let him know. All he did was say to let him know when his up coming appointments are and he can take him without seeing get me. Lol I just told him bye and hung up. Lol
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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this on your own. I hope that with having the diagnosis your son will be getting some good help and building his own support network. 
Not sure why the lol? Are XABF responses confusing? It may be that you are one of his triggers. That he doesn't know how to deal with seeing you. (((hugs)))
btw -- my husband used alcohol to suppress a lot! Many do. Once you take away the booze, there's a whole lot going on inside of them that often is too much to deal with. It may take a very long period of healing. My husband at that point in time would probably have either not asked questions and tried to stuff his feelings, or else would have tried to control and micromanage everything that was completely out of his control. To be honest, it's easier on me when he stuffs his feelings, even though it's not healthy. I've been learning not to second guess what's going on inside of him and instead keep back to my own recovery. Baby steps. One day at at time.
Not sure why the lol? Are XABF responses confusing? It may be that you are one of his triggers. That he doesn't know how to deal with seeing you. (((hugs)))
btw -- my husband used alcohol to suppress a lot! Many do. Once you take away the booze, there's a whole lot going on inside of them that often is too much to deal with. It may take a very long period of healing. My husband at that point in time would probably have either not asked questions and tried to stuff his feelings, or else would have tried to control and micromanage everything that was completely out of his control. To be honest, it's easier on me when he stuffs his feelings, even though it's not healthy. I've been learning not to second guess what's going on inside of him and instead keep back to my own recovery. Baby steps. One day at at time.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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My heart goes out to you with dealing with all this on your own. It is a lot to adjust to and take in.
We were already divorced when my ex was in inpatient rehab but his counselor contacted me and asked me some things. The lack of involvement and/or avoidance of his kids was really the only thing on my radar at that point. The counselor had some stuff to say that made sense about his mindset, recovery, etc. The stress it caused to contact kids he was away from blah blah blah. I cant' repeat it all because I'd get it wrong and really - I didn't want to hear it so it didn't stick. I'm dealing with the kids on this end it his issues didn't change things on their end now did it? It did however allow me to really and truly let it all go. My acceptance helped my children with their acceptance and reduced their stress. A complete unloading of resentments and hope that the situation would be different. It was a relief. He's out of treatment now (two years of treatment, almost two years out). Still in recovery as far as I know. I no longer ask his input regarding meds they take or options we should explore. I don't talk with him about birthday gifts. I don't type out the monthly updates anymore. It seemed utterly pointless - pulling teeth to get input and if there was it was not a partnership. Me doing all the work and all the parenting and letting him know stuff. I finally stopped. If he wants to know something and give input he can ask and I'll be happy to type it all out. He doesn't ask.
We were already divorced when my ex was in inpatient rehab but his counselor contacted me and asked me some things. The lack of involvement and/or avoidance of his kids was really the only thing on my radar at that point. The counselor had some stuff to say that made sense about his mindset, recovery, etc. The stress it caused to contact kids he was away from blah blah blah. I cant' repeat it all because I'd get it wrong and really - I didn't want to hear it so it didn't stick. I'm dealing with the kids on this end it his issues didn't change things on their end now did it? It did however allow me to really and truly let it all go. My acceptance helped my children with their acceptance and reduced their stress. A complete unloading of resentments and hope that the situation would be different. It was a relief. He's out of treatment now (two years of treatment, almost two years out). Still in recovery as far as I know. I no longer ask his input regarding meds they take or options we should explore. I don't talk with him about birthday gifts. I don't type out the monthly updates anymore. It seemed utterly pointless - pulling teeth to get input and if there was it was not a partnership. Me doing all the work and all the parenting and letting him know stuff. I finally stopped. If he wants to know something and give input he can ask and I'll be happy to type it all out. He doesn't ask.
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Originally Posted by keepingthefaith
Not sure why the lol? Are XABF responses confusing? It may be that you are one of his triggers. That he doesn't know how to deal with seeing you. (((hugs))
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I'm having to learn to stop expecting my AH to have any input raising our 4 sons too. It is frustrating but he's in early recovery and he let me know he just couldnt handle the last boy drama we had. I'm just glad he told me. At least he was honest. It is also true though that he has always approached raising out kids that way.
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