Blossom717

Social gatherings....we all know how much stress those cause. Its normal to be social. But for me it makes me stress, because either ABF is going to get too drunk, or because he is going to make me feel horrible for going (like to the bachelorette party this past weekend). And then the rare occasions that I do go out, I feel guilty for having fun, having a couple drinks, and expecting him to do the opposite.

Does anyone else understand how this feels?

He actually threatened to kick me out if I went this past weekend (I was hosting it! I couldn't not go) and decided to say all these rude things to me and call me names. He threated to make my brother move their wedding from our property in 2 weeks. then I said fine I won't go, he said no go. Then he had the audacity to ask me if I needed some money to go out to the Bachelorette party!

So first I'm a floosy, and if I go I'll have to move in with my mom. Then he decides that I should go and that maybe I could use some money? Is this typical behavior?

I know one thing that made him change his mind was that he found out my family heard what he said, and he cares what they think. My soon to be sister in law said it right when she said "Oh, he cares about what we think, but not about your feelings?"

This is literally exhausting. I was fine yesterday morning when I left the hotel to pick up my dd from my mom's, and then on my way home I got to shaking and couldn't breath. Just panicking from not know what was coming when I got home. I'm so sick of feeling like this.

Yurt

Blossom,

I found myself calling AH whenever I was about to head home; asking if he would like me to pick up any items from the store, or to let him know why I might be late. He sees it as checking in, and probably feels like he has some control, but I do it mainly to assess the mood at home, so that I know what I am walking into. Probably a very codie thing to do, but I also had panic attacks and this was one way that I could stay on top of my anxiety. I have felt less need to do this in recent months (detachment?) but it makes AH wobbly when I don't.

Smiley1

I know before I was in al anon, that icky feeling in my stomach about what I might, or might not, come home to, was horrid. The anxiety that I had daily was making me think I needed medication.... Nope that is just a long time living with itrrational, alcoholic behavior. The more al anon I got, the more that feeling went away. Now when I get that "feeling" it's different, more like a 6th sense, and I respect it, knowing I'm get a HP "heads up".

Namaste,

Blossom717

I get it every day too, that nauseas feeling. I think him buying the bounce house for our dd was for show. She likes it, and I'm glad shes having fun, but he only does stuff like that after he's been a jerk. I think its partly gas lighting. makes me feel like I'm the bad parent.

Funny part is, he stayed home the night I went out, but DD still had to go to my mom's.

hopeful4

Your post is all about him, what he said, what he wants, how he feels.

How about putting the focus on YOU, your wants, needs, etc.....
XXX

freetosmile

I go through this kind of thing with my AH.....
But I'm starting to learn that his threats are rarely backed up and that really all he does is hurt my feelings.

So.... I've been reading about codependency....yep, that's me alright!

Turns out, my codie behavior can be just as destructive as his alchy behavior.
So, in times of threats and fighting.... I will CHOOSE how to respond. I will hit the pause button and CHOOSE my response, or decided if I even want to respond at all. Will it solve anything if I do?
If I give in to the guilt and shame that he is trying to push me into, what is that doing to me? And am I willing to continue to allow that to effect me?

Just some stuff I've learned lately!!

Blossom717

Thanks for reminding me of that. I still have a lot of recovery to do. I bought that book "codependant no more"....maybe I should crack it open on my lunch break. (that or the Good Book)

I feel hurt, confused, and ashamed that I let him upset me. But, I also didn't do what he wanted, I did what I wanted. And his threats were just threats, he didn't (can't) carry them out. So, that is a good step I think.

unsureoffuture

Blossom, it sounds like his control over you and your actions bother you and cause you a great deal of stress. Who is he to tell you where you can and cannot go? You are separate peple with separate lives.

This control is a form of domestic violence unfortunately. It is not a mutually beneficial relationship. Healthy relationships exist on equal ground with both members having separate interests as well as combined interests. YOU are hosting a bachelorette party for YOUR family. Of course you can go and have a good time. Any healthy relationship would permit this and is a normal part of life. It sounds as if you are being kept in a mental prison. You are not able to fully be your self in your relationship because you fear the backlash if you do. Perhaps this is a perfect opportunity for boundaries. No one deserves to be told what to do and how to do it and be made to feel bad if they are doing something they want to do.

freetosmile

I do too! I need to get that book too...I heard a lot about it. Please share your thoughts when you get into it...I would be very interested!

FireSprite

Blossom, my RAH did this same kind of push/pull thing when he was actively drinking too. It was a bit different - he was Mr. Supportive when I was making plans & would act like it was NBD but then he'd start blowing my phone up "just checking in" or suddenly have questions that "needed" to be answered, acting very insecure, etc. (usually he'd use DD as an excuse to make contact) The funny part was that 1. I never gave him a single reason to worry about MY behavior & 2. Since he had played in bands & bars around town for more than a decade & we had so many friends that were musicians, bar tenders & bouncers there was NO WAY I could get away with hiding bad behavior even if I wanted to!

I never thought of it that way until I went out with a friend & her friend that I barely knew & she pointed out that at every single location we hopped around to that night, there was someone that could/would report back to RAH if the situation arose. She was snarky & jealous & trying to make me feel insecure (didn't work) but it did help me to realize he was likely tracking me around town without me knowing it because he slowed down on checking in with me when I was at places where he had more contacts, and then he would act all nonchalant when I got home. (eyeroll)

Those gut-wrenching times were would I experienced when HE was out/unaccounted for & I never knew when he would be back or in what condition. Hateful feeling!

HopefulinFLA

I love the "HP Heads Up"! i hadn't thought about it before, but maybe that's really what it is. Maybe an HP Spidey Sense?

I know that icky feeling all too well. It's gone from just icky to nausea to some unmentionable stomach issues. Anxiety can be a terribly debilitating thing. When I start to feel this way, I have a conversation with my HP asking him to take this burden from my shoulders because it's bigger than me, way too much for me to handle. I sometimes have this conversation several times a day! I remind myself that alcoholism is AH's problem to fix, not mine. My problem is me and I am working hard on me everyday. Alanon and SR have truly saved my sanity.

Blossom, you did nothing wrong. I know it's not easy, but don't let him take up that much space in your head. Don't let him transfer his issues onto you.

freetosmile

I actually bought the Codependent No More for my kindle...starting reading it today. Really nailed it so far....I'm a little scared about what I might find out about myself.

So scared I didn't go to Al anon today like I said I was going to......

Blossom717

I bought it for my nook! I'm hoping I can read some tonight once DD is in bed (and I turn in a final for class!)

don't be scared, we can only go up from here, knowledge is power!

freetosmile

You are so right Blossom! I'll send a good thought your way when I read mine tonight! Good luck on that final too! That's a lot on one plate, I admire that type of determination

Blossom717

Thanks, same to you!

I don't know if that's determination or codie behavior...feeling the need to do everything. ha.