Stupid, dumb me
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Stupid, dumb me
So I stepped in it. I have been exhausted, emotionally scattered and drained, anxious, the works. One of the things my wife and I have been discussing is how we might financially manage the expense of maintaining an additional residence while this hypothetical separation is in force. My son is in private school, which my parents partially subsidize. She brought up the option of putting him in public school.
I, of course, hate this idea. So, like a dummy, I asked my son a couple days ago what he would think if he went to school at the public school down the street. He said, he "wouldn't like it." I, like an idiot, mentioned that his private school cost money and we might not always be able to send him there. Later that day, I clarified that there was no need to take him out of private school and told him so (he had seemed mildly worried about it - I was glad to reassure him after bringing it up).
Fast-forward to today, my wife has the kids, I'm at work. She emailed me and basically scolded me for discussing finances with my 6 year old.
She's right, of course. I shouldn't have brought it up - it probably unnecessarily worried him, particularly considering that we won't have to take him out of his school anyways (and he's doing so, so good there!).
I feel like a dummy. This is probably not a big deal, I made a relatively minor parenting mistake (don't have these kinds of discussions with your kids without at least the other parent present, and definitely not if no decision has been made), but I feel like with everything that's going on, me doing stupid crap like this is the last thing I need to be doing - like I ruined whatever progress I've been making with my wife over the last few days.
I'm catastrophizing. I'm exhausted (4 hours sleep last night - stupid hotel), and I am still quite codependent.... I still have this obsession with approval from my wife (or at least, an obsession with avoidance of disapproval).
Wanted to share. I don't have anything else to do with these feelings.
-DrS
I, of course, hate this idea. So, like a dummy, I asked my son a couple days ago what he would think if he went to school at the public school down the street. He said, he "wouldn't like it." I, like an idiot, mentioned that his private school cost money and we might not always be able to send him there. Later that day, I clarified that there was no need to take him out of private school and told him so (he had seemed mildly worried about it - I was glad to reassure him after bringing it up).
Fast-forward to today, my wife has the kids, I'm at work. She emailed me and basically scolded me for discussing finances with my 6 year old.
She's right, of course. I shouldn't have brought it up - it probably unnecessarily worried him, particularly considering that we won't have to take him out of his school anyways (and he's doing so, so good there!).
I feel like a dummy. This is probably not a big deal, I made a relatively minor parenting mistake (don't have these kinds of discussions with your kids without at least the other parent present, and definitely not if no decision has been made), but I feel like with everything that's going on, me doing stupid crap like this is the last thing I need to be doing - like I ruined whatever progress I've been making with my wife over the last few days.
I'm catastrophizing. I'm exhausted (4 hours sleep last night - stupid hotel), and I am still quite codependent.... I still have this obsession with approval from my wife (or at least, an obsession with avoidance of disapproval).
Wanted to share. I don't have anything else to do with these feelings.
-DrS
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by Hammer 
Sounds like Drama Time.
Do a meeting.
Do a meeting.
I really can't cope with stuff like this well when I haven't slept. So minor, but it feels so catastrophic.
-DrS
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by DocSobrietist
Got one tonight. Plan to treat myself to some fried chicken afterwards, on the way back to the hotel to my (hopefully) last night away from home.
I really can't cope with stuff like this well when I haven't slept. So minor, but it feels so catastrophic.
-DrS
I really can't cope with stuff like this well when I haven't slept. So minor, but it feels so catastrophic.
-DrS
Not to be bitching at you. You may have that handled.
Just more along . . . IF you are going to get you cleaned up . . . why not clean up ALL of you? Mind, Spirit, Body. Yunno the whole package. Once you start some of that, you will not find so much time for messing with others.
How about a walk, jog, swim, whatever this afternoon while waiting for your meeting?
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Originally Posted by Hammer
If you are "treating" -- you might try something healthy?
Not to be bitching at you. You may have that handled.
Just more along . . . IF you are going to get you cleaned up . . . why not clean up ALL of you? Mind, Spirit, Body. Yunno the whole package. Once you start some of that, you will not find so much time for messing with others.
How about a walk, jog, swim, whatever this afternoon while waiting for your meeting?
Not to be bitching at you. You may have that handled.
Just more along . . . IF you are going to get you cleaned up . . . why not clean up ALL of you? Mind, Spirit, Body. Yunno the whole package. Once you start some of that, you will not find so much time for messing with others.
How about a walk, jog, swim, whatever this afternoon while waiting for your meeting?
Too exhausted to exercise today, but maybe I'll change my mind.
-DrS
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Posts: 2,582
While I totally get not worrying a 6 year old with worldly monetary concerns, why is talking realistically about money (even at 6) not okay? Most of the world cannot afford private school. It is a luxury and a privilege, not a right. Why is saying that we might not always be able to afford it a bad thing?
(FYI, I went to private school most of my life but I had friends in public school. I always new my school was different than theirs.)
(FYI, I went to private school most of my life but I had friends in public school. I always new my school was different than theirs.)
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
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just my two cents Doc - so you screwed up a bit and know it. i see it as an opportunity for you (and her) to get some experience with how to handle screw ups?! none of us is perfect and with kids, well stuff happens..... so you do the "i know, i'll try to think first next time, i'm sorry" (however you say it and mean it, no buts...or excuses!!!) and let it go. i think it's good she spoke up. the kids saying stuff will continue to happen and developing mindful communication between you two, about the kids, will keep the kids from being the volleyball!
and it won't always be about screw ups. my son and xgf have no co-parenting communication skills and they opt for just guessing what a five year old is talking about! it makes the little one very confused at times...
just my two cents.....
and it won't always be about screw ups. my son and xgf have no co-parenting communication skills and they opt for just guessing what a five year old is talking about! it makes the little one very confused at times...
just my two cents.....
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Location: southern indiana
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miss fixit...
I think there is a time and place for most things. I don't think children should be blindsided with a piece of info that is a swirling around in the parents head.....at docs own admission, his thoughts were like a fart in a whirlwind that day.....
imho----our children are confused enough with what is going on around them. they see their family divided, can probably sense that something is really wrong....bad wrong.
a 6 year old does not have the cognitive skills to handle all of this info in a healthy manner.
THAT is why they have parents....
parents discuss school options together. make a decision together. prepare how to discuss with child. have discussion with child, together.
doesn't mean I always followed this opinion of mine....cause I didn't have it then. I was running amok with chaos and had knee jerk reactions all over the place.
caused much damage myself.
I think there is a time and place for most things. I don't think children should be blindsided with a piece of info that is a swirling around in the parents head.....at docs own admission, his thoughts were like a fart in a whirlwind that day.....
imho----our children are confused enough with what is going on around them. they see their family divided, can probably sense that something is really wrong....bad wrong.
a 6 year old does not have the cognitive skills to handle all of this info in a healthy manner.
THAT is why they have parents....
parents discuss school options together. make a decision together. prepare how to discuss with child. have discussion with child, together.
doesn't mean I always followed this opinion of mine....cause I didn't have it then. I was running amok with chaos and had knee jerk reactions all over the place.
caused much damage myself.
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Well, maybe it isn't such a big deal. I agree with my wife that this shouldn't have been discussed with him before decisions are made, or without my wife present (at least out of respect for her). Still, much ado about perhaps very little in the wide scheme of things.....
-DrS
-DrS
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
One of the biggest things I do that helps is to remind myself that feelings are not facts.
Just because I feel like it is a catastrophe, does not mean it is.
If I am at all feeling panic, an urge to fix, excessive regret/worry/guilt, or extremely self negative - I am making feelings fact. There is very little in life that warrants that response. The only thing I should do is change my self talk and decide how to calm or comfort myself in order to get out of that space. If I skip those two things and make a decision or take an action it is almost always insanely codependent and in the long run destructive to me and/or the situation.
It is great that you recognized it and your plan is a good one. I hope you get some sleep. Sleep is so important.
Just because I feel like it is a catastrophe, does not mean it is.
If I am at all feeling panic, an urge to fix, excessive regret/worry/guilt, or extremely self negative - I am making feelings fact. There is very little in life that warrants that response. The only thing I should do is change my self talk and decide how to calm or comfort myself in order to get out of that space. If I skip those two things and make a decision or take an action it is almost always insanely codependent and in the long run destructive to me and/or the situation.
It is great that you recognized it and your plan is a good one. I hope you get some sleep. Sleep is so important.
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I dunno ….I see this as a little manipulative move on your part to control the separation by sabotaging a "potential" plan, especially since this was several days ago when you were against the idea. Been there and done that.
Nonetheless I am sure you did not intend to worry your son. Remember that at the end of the day the choices you make for the end result of your family remaining intact are the best.
Is it possible that you have a friend who may have a room available for short term and that might want a little extra money a month? Or does the wife? My other thought would be keeping the cheap hotel through the week then you at the house on weekends and let her wing it while you are there. She may have a friend that she could stay with over the weekends.
Not sure where you live - I am in a big city. We do have safe/ clean by the week hotels here for under $200 a week (would be over that with tax I imagine).
Nonetheless I am sure you did not intend to worry your son. Remember that at the end of the day the choices you make for the end result of your family remaining intact are the best.
Is it possible that you have a friend who may have a room available for short term and that might want a little extra money a month? Or does the wife? My other thought would be keeping the cheap hotel through the week then you at the house on weekends and let her wing it while you are there. She may have a friend that she could stay with over the weekends.
Not sure where you live - I am in a big city. We do have safe/ clean by the week hotels here for under $200 a week (would be over that with tax I imagine).
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
I dunno ….I see this as a little manipulative move on your part to control the separation by sabotaging a "potential" plan, especially since this was several days ago when you were against the idea. Been there and done that.
Nonetheless I am sure you did not intend to worry your son. Remember that at the end of the day the choices you make for the end result of your family remaining intact are the best.
Nonetheless I am sure you did not intend to worry your son. Remember that at the end of the day the choices you make for the end result of your family remaining intact are the best.
Originally Posted by redatlanta
Is it possible that you have a friend who may have a room available for short term and that might want a little extra money a month? Or does the wife? My other thought would be keeping the cheap hotel through the week then you at the house on weekends and let her wing it while you are there. She may have a friend that she could stay with over the weekends.
Not sure where you live - I am in a big city. We do have safe/ clean by the week hotels here for under $200 a week (would be over that with tax I imagine).
Not sure where you live - I am in a big city. We do have safe/ clean by the week hotels here for under $200 a week (would be over that with tax I imagine).
-DrS
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