Woodman123

Hello SR friends! i would appreciate some advice... my AW is fast approaching yet another need for detox/rehab. She cannot go 3-4 days without relapsing. She is in a death spiral now- not being melodramatic- she really says she wants to die, and has shown previously she will sit alone in her apartment with the intention to drink herself to death (won't eat anything for a week and drink until she's vomiting and experiencing keto-acidosis requiring emergency care). At some point, she will successfully kill herself.

So i have two issues I'd greatly appreciate any comments on. One: i truly believe she has either an underlying personality disorder or profound depression which is preventing her from reaching out for any help. However, none of the facilities she has done detox/rehab really approach dual-diagnosis and there apparently have been no recommendations given to her for follow-up, other than seeing family doc. She won't admit anything is wrong, and therefore never seeks psychiatric help or counseling in any way. i have been advised many times that the alcoholic has to be the one to help themselves, but what if their thought process is so broken that they literally cannot seek that help?

Two: She has really one child-hood best friend, who lives a few hours away. She had remained close to this person throughout her life and does reach out to her (when she's sober) to talk about kids, life, etc. NEVER revealing her alcoholism and all the chaos of the previous 4 years. This friend has been calling constantly, texting me, etc trying to get a hold of my wife. She doesn;t even know we're separated at the moment. Sooo, i am feeling as though i should share something with this friend- at least acknowledge in brief what's going on. I am growing concerned that eventually my AW will lose her life to this battle, and the friend may never have had an opportunity to talk to/comfort/guide my AW and i think that would be traumatic for her. I should mention this friend is trained in family counseling, and has family members who also struggle with addiction and behavioral problems, so part of my thinking is that MAYBE another voice, outside of the immediate family, may have some positive impact. I know i'm probably deluding myself into believing this, but as I watch this broken record of deterioration play out over and over, i am desperate for any other means of reaching her. Maybe it's being selfish on my part, but if it were my best friend and something like this happened and I never had an opportunity to reach out, I would be devastated.

anykey

It sounds like you should have her committed.

Understand that posts on a message board will only do some much.

She needs hands on real life help.

In most states they can hold someone 72 hours for observation. If things are as bad as you say- you should have her committed.

anykey

Make the call to her friend. You have nothing to lose.

hopeful4

I agree, tell the friend. Also, send her to a dual diagnosis facility. She does need to be committed if she is a danger to herself.

So so sorry.

JustAGirl1971

If it were me, I would probably tell the friend... but in as brief of a synopsis as possible. Such as "we are currently separated due to AW's drinking." If the family friend has personal and professional experience with alcoholism, that should be sufficient.

dandylion

Woodman---I agree with the other posters.....let the friend know what is going on. I can see no good reason to keep this a secret...esp. from a concerned l ife-long friend who wants to be of support.

I also agree that she needs medically supervised detox (perhaps comittment if that can be done). Then...long term (longer than classic 28day) assessment and treatment in a dual diagnosis facility......followed by strong aftercare.

I don't know what your financial capabilities are. But, a facility with a good track record for this kind of comprehensive treatment should be your aim. I am thinking along the lines of Hazleden--in Minnesota. I think they may have satellite facilities, by now. It wouldn't hurt to talk to one of their intake counselors--at least to get a good referral.

You are in a difficult position, for sure. I wish you the best....

dandylion

littlefish

It is usually not within the power of most people to "have someone committed". In most states it is only possible for a judge to rule on committing to an institution. And, it is a court decision often made with the advice of medical experts. Sometimes the medical staff of a psych ward can obtain a temporary stay in a mental health ward of a hospital, but it will usually be temporary until a judge decides after that time is up.

It's heartbreaking when you see someone with a mental diagnosis also be a chronic alcoholic. I have a brother in this situation, hence I have been through the courts and the hearings and the institutionalizing in various forms. But, binges, alcoholism and self-neglect have not been deemed serious enough for long term placement in a mental health institution. I have desperately wished he would be placed, but it hasn't always happened. The most he has gotten is occasional stints in the VA mental health ward.

I don't see any reason why you can't tell her best friend and suggest that she try to help. Maybe that best friend is the only person she will listen to.

HopefulinFLA

I'm so sorry Woodman. What an awful situation.

IMO, call the friend. Tell her as much as you feel to be appropriate. It can't hurt, and maybe will help.

LifeRecovery

Woodman-

Often law enforcement and/or medical personal (the call depends on where things are for her) can do either a wellness check and/or safety check at times.

If someone is actively (or passively) trying to harm themselves it is okay for you to NOT have to be the one to deal directly with it and leave it to professionals.

chicory

I am so sorry Woodman. I'd tell the friend too.

I pray things get better.

Watching someone drink away their life makes one feel so helpless.

Mango blast

I'm very sorry. How are you doing?? (((hugs)))

I agree with both calling the friend, and also with calling the police or sheriff to do a well check. Perhaps they can have her detoxed and maybe with her background it can go further than that this time. Sending prayers for both of you.

Woodman123

Thanks all for your thoughts. Just to update, I did tell her friend, who, as you may have guessed, already had some idea this was going on. But, she was very appreciative for being kept in the loop.

As to the personality thing... well, I contacted Hazelden and did some leg work to ensure some coverage for a residential stay... I know, i know... SHE'S supposed to do this, but I'm so desperate to give her a chance at getting the help I think she needs since she's too compromised to think of anything other than 1) I abandoned her, and 2) she needs booze (maybe not in that order). But, as anticipated, she won;t call them to do an intake. Granted, she's so chronically drunk now that she can't possibly comprehend what she needs. So, today, with the help of her mother (she's currently at her mom's house again) she did speak with an intake person at a local hospital detox unit. You know what the intake counselor said? They won't take her as 1) she was too drunk to articulate WANTING to get help, and 2) they think she may be too medically compromised to enter their unit. He suggested going to local hospital. He also said she needs to be left totally alone, in her apartment, with NO assistance whatsoever so that SHE would actively seek help. Only negative consequences will do at this point.

So, help me gain strength here. i know she needs consequences- that's why i asked her to get an apartment in the first place. I am no longer wearing my wedding ring as it's a daily symbolic reminder of a partner I don;t really have anymore- had to remove it so I could start thinking about ME! But, knowing her past and inability to care for herself how can I or her mom dump her in her apartment and just leave her there? hoping that she'll get so bad she'll call 911 for her own ambulance? That just seems cruel and I can't do that. So i get sucked back into the sad routine of making a monthly trip to the ER to get her cleaned up.

She's basically giving up on life now, and I am devastated. Not just for her, but for our two kids who she absolutely adores- but this ******* disease has robbed her of her most basic instinct of motherhood and doing anything for her kids... something I never would have thought twice about years ago.

sorry for the ramble... just feeling really down right now.

SparkleKitty

Woodman, I am so sorry everything has come to this. I know how hard you have tried and how desperately you want your wife to be well.

You say "knowing her past and inability to care for herself how can I or her mom dump her in her apartment and just leave her there? hoping that she'll get so bad she'll call 911 for her own ambulance? That just seems cruel and I can't do that."

Respectfully, and as gently as possible, you don't know that she has an inability to care for herself. You have never allowed her to try, or to suffer her the consequences of her choices. More importantly, nothing you have done so far has made a difference. Not a dime you have spent, nor a rescue you have executed. In the meantime, your energy has been so wrapped up in her that you and your kids are only getting the leftover scraps. It may be time for you to hand her over to her Higher Power. If there is anything left in her that wants her life back, she is going to have to find it in herself.

Sending you all the strength and courage I've got.

CodeJob

I'm sorry to hear this Woodman. You and all who care for your AW must be so distraught.

Hugs.

fedup3

I'm so sorry woodman, my X is in the same stage as your wife and there's nothing I can do to help him he has to want that for himself, but I know it's so hard to watch. Place her in God's hand.

You sound like a great dad, your kids are very fortunate to have you!

Woodman123

Thanks Sparklekitty for your positive encouragement. Maybe there's some truth to this- i'm trying to allow her to experience bad consequences, but to be honest I've seen some very troubling things... as she succumbs to the daily drinking routine, she'll easily have a BAC of 0.4 or more... yes she has mustered the 'strength' to get up and get that next drink, but she'll also lie there for days on end, never changing clothes or showing any signs of hygiene, and eventually find her lying in her own vomit and other stuff (sorry to be graphic). She has also shown a history of walking out to get more booze (since i took the car keys away) and pass out in public and found by police. And this doesn't even count the one medication overdose event. So I really don;t think she can care for herself, to any degree that we would consider reasonable care.

I am physically ill just writing this- this was a woman who was always so put together and image conscious- she wouldn't even go to a gas station wearing sweatpants! I cannot believe this is happening to her... thanks again for your thoughts. SR is one of my few sources of strength.

I know my marriage is done, but i will always love her and I am not dealing well with the thought of losing her to this battle.

hopeful4

Hi Woodman. I just posted this in another post but I think it fits here too.

My sister is the police for the state of MO. She told me one can request a well check from the police. I would suggest that you put her in the apartment and either call an ambulance or call the police for a well check and they will likely summons the ambulance.

Are there any other dual diagnosis facilities that could take her that have their own detox? I know where my XAH went had a detox unit, so even if you went in drunk they would take you. However, it was not a dual diagnosis facility, which is a shame b/c that is what he should have had to do any good. Hindsight.

Anyways, I hope this helps. I also hope you are taking the time to take good care of you!

Woodman123

Hi Hopeful- no nearby facilities do dual diagnosis. so, we'd likely have to fly to get to the closest one and they don't do detox. I keep hoping after each detox that she'll agree to call and make arrangements. I know others have mentioned the well-checks... basically that's been my job, I guess to this point. and that's essentially what I do- take her in when she gets too bad. But it just never stops... even when she gets dried out and her senses come back, then her self-confident (narcissistic?) traits come out and she doesn't feel like she needs rehab, psych eval or anything other than back to AA and maybe IOP, which to-date she has NEVER maintained. It's a monthly nightmare that keeps playing out over and over and over.

and on a separate note- I am planning on filing for dissolution, but don;t know how I can keep her sober enough to sign documents and get to the obligatory court hearing.

hopeful4

Woodman....that is why you should call the police and let them and the EMT's do their job. You cannot help her anymore, but they can be the ones to haul her in for detox or whatever they decide to do. Point being, for you it is simply a phone call. It is giving the actual mental and physical responsibility over to someone else.

It's a shame there is no where near with dual diagnosis. Unless she is treated for the underlying issues it is quite likely she would relapse quite quickly just like she does from detox. It takes making your mind well, not just getting the booze out.

I am so so sorry. I cannot imagine all you are going through. To be honest, this is one of the big reasons I am divorcing my XAH now. I don't want to be the one holding his hand when it spirals out of control, that's just not what I signed up for in marriage. That sounds so harsh, but there it is, truth. You may have to have her sign docs in the hospital before she has a chance to go drink again.

I hope you take good care of you and your kids.

XXX

SparkleKitty

The situation you describe is very familiar to me. My mother's condition deteriorated very rapidly but since I live so far away from her, I had to hear the horror stories secondhand. Based on what I was hearing, I was convinced my mother would not live out the year. It was exactly as you've described. That was over a decade ago. Despite the grim vision of the immediate future that was painted for me back then, my mother is still alive.

Eventually she stopped drinking. I won't say recovered, but she stopped drinking. This was after those closest to her (and admittedly, I do not count myself among them) told her they would no longer speak to her on the phone or have her in their home if she was drinking.

I can't say the same will be true for your beloved wife. I can only say that it was only when everyone stopped trying to protect her from the consequences of her drinking that my mother chose to stop. It might have gone the other way, I know -- but what everyone was doing before had not made any bit difference, so they had to try something new. Nothing changes if nothing changes.