Ugh!! Dry drunk behavior? And a vent!
 

Hello all!

I am unclear about what exactly dry drunk behavior is. Or maybe in my case it was just "under the influence of something" behavior.

Recently AH and I were supposed to meet for lunch with our oldest son. I had taken the day off, had a few appts, was out running around when my DS asked me if I could stop by where he and his father were (little history AH and I are separated because of AHs admitted, but not doing anything about, drinking problem, and his denial of a gambling problem as well). I told my son that if his father was under the influence of anything, I'd rather not come by, but DS persisted and I went by. Clearly AH was not himself. I of course asked if everything was ok, and he assured me he was fine, but he clearly was not. I've been in al anon for quite awhile and knew there was nothing I could do about it, DS had his own vehicle, so I wasn't worried for his safety (he's 20), so I said goodbye, and we firmed up our plans for lunch later since DS wanted to discuss college plans for next year with both of us together. Anyway appointed time rolls around, DS and I are both there, wait about 15 minutes, and decide to go have a nice lunch regardless of absent AH. Several hours later, get a text from AH saying he thought lunch was off. WTH?!? All of our last parting words were that we were going to meet up. I just let it go with a whatever in my head.

Fast forward, it has been a few days, he's been NC with all of us (generally a sign of guilt from past experience), and then he just shows up at the house this morning, walks in, pours himself a cup of coffee, and is sitting at the kitchen table when I get out if shower, acting as if it's no big deal. I asked what he was doing here, he replied he was out if clothes and came by for some ibuprofen. ???? I asked what happened on Wednesday, and says " nothing, why?" I remind him of the events, he shrugs and says he "didn't drink or take anything" so why are DS and I bugging him about it. What? I just nodded and walked away to get ready for work.

WTH??? Is that dry drunk behavior? Or is that just denial? The parameters of our separation were that we each needed to focus on our own recovery, and I am trying really hard to mind my own business, and honestly wouldn't have cared if he had just stood me up for lunch, but since DS has specifically asked both of us to meet, I find I'm a little agitated. My part in all of this is having expectations about reasonable behavior from a parent.

I guess I'm just confused! Someone who is working "his program" as he claims to be should be more aware ( another one of MY expectations, I know :( )

Thanks for allowing me to get this off the proverbial chest. :)

Smiley--sounds like typical addict behavior--if it was clear to you that he was acting a bit peculiar .......I would say that he is using something and lying about it.

dandylion

Agree with Dandylion.

My XAH keeps saying he forgets stuff because of all the stress of our divorce. Um no, you are a dirty drunk and take Xanax, that does tend to make one forget.

Whatever....

Doesn't sound very dry to me. Still drinking/using while trying to maintain an illusion of control would be my guess.
Also check out the thread on gas lighting. Sounds like some of that going on too.

Nah, dry drunk is usually a derogatory name that some people in AA will call somebody that doesn't subscribe to the method of AA and does it a different way.
You know, hasn't confronted their inner demons and worked the steps.
So the DD is angry and in denial about quitting,blah...blah...

Your DH sounds like he just had something else to attend to.
"Else" most likely= drinking

Thanks everyone! I read the gaslighting thread right after and thought "AHA!" I should know if my "gut-dectector" is going off to listen to it.

Damn hopes and dreams! ;)

This gives a fair description -- is not pro/anti AA or anything else, and gets around the politics. But it is about 700 words, so here is the link >>>

What Is A Dry Drunk? | Addiction Recovery Basics

My AH has described himself as being a dry drunk from time to time. But it just seems to me more like ambivalence...which from what I've read can be very toxic to recovery. And the attitude just ticks me off to no end, BUT I'm learning to detach. Yikes! That's tough.

Have experienced being around a dry drunk. I used to blame it on alcohol in the system exclusively. Then he was without it for about 40 days. And then you really see what you are dealing with.

And when they say they do not drink or take anything, why do we even believe them? Actions always speak louder than words.

Thank you Hammer for the interesting read.

Sadly, found out this evening, not dry drunk.... Just drunk. Actions do speak louder than words. Time to rip off the bandaid and let this wound scab over.

Confirm -so you dont go on a goose chase. It sounds like the guy is not dealing with reality