Catherine628

My anxiety level is through the roof right now. Work is busy and I haven't been on SR to read as much or found time for al anon lately. I did join a great support group for divorce/separation.

I'm trying to make some major life decisions. Stay living where I'm at (apparently the epicenter of the polar vortex) or move back to TX.

Pros to moving: The girls and I miss TX and our friends. I could get back into my profession. The girls could have a relationship with their father.

Cons: we would leave family behind. The biggie though is I think AH has relapsed. He was doing so well, we were all making progress in our relationships w/ him. I would need time to find a job but would feel pressured if he's drinking.

Has anyone else had to make a decision like this? Live by extended family or live by children's father?

Mango blast

For yourself and your girls, look at which place is most conducive to healing, personal recovery and building a strong support network around you. It's great news that you've found a good support group. Hopefully you'll be able to work in some Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meetings. I found that whatever meeting I can make it to helps to ease my anxiety when it builds. Working on meditation.

Is their dad able to have a solid positive relationship with them?
Did he follow through with rehab or does he have a counselor or sponsor to help him if he has relapsed? Do you think moving back would help him?

Catherine628

These are great questions. I may have to spend some time journaling about them. I need to get back to my al anon meetings for sure.

We have support networks in both places but no family down in TX. I took a big pay cut because this state doesn't accept my professional certifications. It's been a nightmare trying to figure that out. I would either need more schooling or have to retake certification exams which is a time consuming and costly process.

I've been staying out of his recovery. I really don't know what support networks he has. I'd like to think he could have a meaningful relationship with the kids. He is very sincere about that when sober. His relapses scare the crap out of me though.

AnvilheadII

Stay living where I'm at (apparently the epicenter of the polar vortex) or move back to TX.

let's go back to WHY you moved so far away in the first place. how long ago was that now? a few months? and he's still drinking???

dandylion

Catherine628---which situation would give you and the kids the most security and peace 1yr....2yr.......5 or more years down the road? Gosh, each family situation is so unique as to all the variables--it is really hard to give a suggestion!

It is a tough one--but, I will say...don't count on anything from your husband. If he wants to be a good father--he will (or will not) from where ever he happens to live.
As a matter of fact, he could be the one to do the moving if he wanted to bad enough........

dandylion

P.S.--don't forget why you moved in the first place........?

Catherine628

Well we've been gone about 11 months at this point. And when I think about how things were before we left....wow. Really bad. I don't want to go back to that. I think its spot on to say I shouldn't count on him for anything. That is scary too because initially I would need support while we are getting things set up. I do have friends down there.

It seems he does well until he tries to work then he relapses. I don't want to get down there and find myself supporting his drinking habit either.

None of us particularly like living where we are now. I keep trying, taking the kids places, getting out in the community. My oldest always says she refuses to live here another year. That might not be a choice. We are struggling financially but would probably struggle anywhere.

dandylion

Catherine--might I ask...what, specifically, about this place that your kids hate so bad?
How old is your oldest daughter that she feels that she can call the shots...LOL?

(if you don't mind)...

dandylion

BlueSkies1

It sounds to me like you would make more money in TX, get out of the polar vortex (ha), live near your friends, make your children happier.
What if you made plans, tucked away whatever you can, and planned to move back without assuming any help from AH?

anykey

I have roots in 2 states. I found a way to visit the one more. So I can get the best of both worlds.

Catherine628

I think we don't like it because it is so drastically different from what we were used to. Urban vs rural, extreme weather change, just different culture. My daughter is learning to speak up and I guess this is what she is choosing to voice her opinion on. She is working with her T to make her needs known. Doesn't mean she gets what she wants of course. She seems to swing from saying nothing to demanding.

I think from the kids perspective we also went from a nice big house to a small apartment. That could have happened in TX but I think they associate it with living here.

So far I have given notice on my apartment but that can be retracted. I still have time to decide. I think long term we would be happier down south. The move and getting settled would suck though.

Mango blast

Catherine, best of luck to you with whatever you decide. Keep in mind that a new start could be waiting for you somewhere else in Texas. Possibly a better job for you and a different mix of something a little more familiar and something new.

The move and getting settled in could be an adventure.
I've had a really good day that I wasn't expecting. Maybe trying to pass a bit of that along.

Take your time in deciding and trust your instincts. There is no wrong answer, just different opportunities to choose from. Keep working your recovery and things will keep getting better no matter where you are.

Hammer

Texas Summer is just ahead.

I would tend to think nice, cool, just about ANYWHERE ELSE sounds better.

His stuff just sort of sounds like SSDD . . . same stuff, different day.

So where do the kids want to be?

CodeJob

Catherine, it is such a struggle to make a big decision. I go round and round some days. I find resolve and then I back track. But one day I will know. One day I will have peace in my heart and I will know.

I hope you have that peace and take steps with your right decision.

Catherine628

Hammer I think a TX summer is the only thing that can unthaw us at this point.

I go round and round too. I make a decision and feel good about it but then the anxiety creeps in. I'm letting my fears of the future really get in my way. Career wise we are better off in TX. Plus that's where I see myself being happiest long term. My friends and I have a pact to start our own Golden Girls house when we start to see grey hair. Shoveling snow is not part of our vision.

Catherine628

One good thing is I have been squirreling away every bit of money I can so I have built up my savings. I could see us moving to a different area of TX too.

I kind of feel like the longer we stay here the less likely it becomes that we will move. 1 yr becomes 2 then before you know it 10 years has gone by and roots have grown.

Before I left TX I went out to lunch with a good friend who is divorced. She told me right after the implosion of her relationship she moved states to be by family. Her kids didn't adjust well and she returned. She said she considers that her year of healing. Something that was necessary but not permanent. Maybe that's what I needed. Although I'm not exactly done with my recovery.

PippiLngstockng

Hi Catherine,

I identify with your indecision. Where to live has been a big question in my family. We left a big house and garden and woods and community to be in a small apartment in a European village. And the children's father stayed with the house.

A lot of people said I should return to the States where I could more easily get work and be closer to my FOO. Two out of four children really want to return.

What it comes down to for me is that I feel safe in our village here and I feel the children are safe, too. And in my gut I feel my foreseeable future is here. It will take awhile to get adequate employment but my dreams are here. Getting a house in the country here, bringing over some of our nicer furniture from the US to make a home, having a garden, expanding my new career, finding a new nice man in my life someday. I want those things to happen here.

Maybe that will shift and one day I will decide to return to the US. In my gut I can only see that happening if xah were to disappear in a puff of smoke. That would neutralize the US for me.

It is annoying to say the least to have so many possibilities to consider. Now that my children are bilingual/bicultural they consider growing up and living in different corners of the world.

I would say that if your heart sees your future and children's future in Texas, then maybe research TX possibilities. When I price how much it would cost to live where I might in the US and get concrete, I find our current living situation always looks better.

Whatever you do, it. Is important to find peace with your decision.

Best of luck to you!

Pia

Good ole TX once you leave you always want to come back. lol..

It's 90 degrees today and will only get worse.

I personally see it as no matter where you live if you are not happy with yourself you will not be happy anywhere.

I wouldn't put faith that husband is going to be dad of the year , So let's say you move back, up root the girls etc. etc. now they have AH dad back so they can see and learn what CHAOS? Oh how the cycle continues. . .

I would be making recovery a priority. Is where you living safe? Are you in jeopardy of being evicted?

Now if you moved from TX to NY, I can see it lol.

Money and Material possessions come and go but mental happiness is something you can't buy.