PippiLngstockng

Good morning folks,

My Xah, as some of you know, hasn't been the nicest guy. He's thrown me across the room, strangled me, threatened me with worse. He's intentionally kept the children and I from having any child support/income for months at a time. He's killed two family cats and harmed/terrified and endangered the children. He's also trapped most of our personal belongings in our house for 18 months and counting. All while lying to the world and blaming me for everything. And he succeeds in coming across as a super nice guy.

I am pretty much tired out from dealing with all of this and don't like to dwell so it is annoying to even write it. No one has been able to help me much, including a bunch of well paid lawyers and judges. I am moving on as well as I can.

BUT. I also seem to be stuck. Because I notice that when he manipulates people, especially my children, and convinces them that I am to blame, I start projecting my feelings about him onto them. I honestly start feeling completely alienated from whoever starts repeating his viewpoint, and I want to cut them out of my life, too.

So I probably need therapy to deal with this but I have no money or time. In the meantime, this makes me want to isolate myself from anyone who communicates with xah because I don't trust that they haven't turned into one of his zombies. He gets a hold of someone and its like they come back with a brain wash.

He told me, 'no one is going to believe you'. They do, and then they hang out with him. Then oftener than not, they don't.

The people that don't get brainwashed are the strong ones. It's like a test for codependency. He knows who the the non codependents are and he ignores them.

Sorry for the dramatic posting but grateful to have managed to clarify this issue here.

Thank you as ever for listening!

airwick

One thing positive about your situation. It can only get better from here
I really do wish for you the best.

biminiblue

Maybe you would be better without his minions in your life. Sounds like a healthy response to me that you don't want to spend time with people who don't believe you.

PippiLngstockng

What really works is having left the continent and beoming bilingual. He can't mess with my non-English speaking friends.

On the other hand, and quite seriously, our innocent children do speak English.

Croissant

Hi Pippi...sometimes I try to look at things from a completely different angle to help see what the priority is, so please take my comments as well intentioned.

I think, from your post you see your husband as making other people think HE is the good person, you are the problem?

And you want your children to see he is at fault, not you? Yes? Can understand.

What if your husband (God forbid), had HIV or some other infectious disease, and you caught it? Would you not find the time or money to treat it? Would you let it go on and debilitate your health?

Too often, we undervalue our mental health, failing to recognise it affects every area of our life, both physically and mentally.

Even if you have no cash at hand, calling a counselling line, getting things off your chest is so much better than downloading this onto your children.

They will figure it out eventually. One thing I will always respect my Father for is that he never badmouthed my Mother to me when I was growing up. It was bad enough I could see what she was doing, but for him to criticise her would have made me feel even more worthless. You see, deep down, kids blame themselves for not being good enough for their parents to sober up for.

Please remember....as much as you need support, and it's unfair to always be the responsible one....your kids will respect you for not exposing them to your own personal venom toward their Father...as deserved as it might be.

Wishing you peace.

PippiLngstockng

Thanks, Croissant. Xah has been very effective at minimizing what he has done/continues doing to harm the children and I. I want them to get it.

DD14 has seen our family therapist a few times and it has done wonders for her. I called to schedule DS17 and myself. But I can't afford her at all. I do call the DV hotline on occasion and that also helps some.

Maybe I need to keep the children in therapy whenever possible, and keep calling the dv hotline when I catch myself needing to work through the latest problem with xah.

I dream about disappearing completely, but I can't abandon my children.

I just want to be free of xah. He is going to have the children in our US house for one month this summer ( court ordered visitation schedule) and I am ready to put myself in front of the next speeding train just thinking about it.

Thanks again.

Croissant

Oh yes....if only you could fast forward through it all. Or rewind back to someplace where life was simpler. :/

Understand completely. And it sucks to have to face the now...NOW.

I hope your children are safe with him....wishing you positive thoughts for that month and hoping at least it goes well for them and their Dad shows them love.

Maybe that month is a good time to recalibrate yourself. Relax a bit...as hard as it will be.

Rosiepetal

I hear you Pippi.
I feel as though I've been stuck for the past 7 years & wonder if I'll ever be free too.
It's really hard when you have children & you still have to see each other & sometimes communicate.
I dream of a day when a court order produces such fantastic results which of course we'd get from our fantastic lawyers (yeah right) that would mean we wouldn't have to communicate with them at all & the children would be happy with all of the arrangements.
The only advice I can give is never ever give up because we owe it to our kids.
I've had 7 child support hearings in the past 7 years, some successful & some not & some ridiculously going on to put me in debt unfairly but I continue to fight.
I know the shear exhaustion you feel.
I was trying to hold down a job today & deal with the lawyer & survive on little but I got through the day.
I want you to know you are not alone & many of us are in the same boat so please keep posting if you need to because we are your cheerleading team & I for one support you.

PippiLngstockng

We'd be free if the xes would allow it and just let us go already.

Mine is always wanting contact with me and tries to get me upset. Still.

I have to make my summer the best it can be in spite of xah. And yes, I should just shed his minions, apart from the children. He keeps recruiting more, so it is difficult to keep up.

I have to reserve my energy and use it for the new life I am building for myself. Paying attention to his doings only harms me.

I think for some of us, Rosie, we want to be free but we see that between the xes, the xes support staff, the court and some rotten lawyers, we are still trapped in abusive relationships.

This is where we need God.

Rosiepetal

Agreed & asked God to help me today.
A whirlwind day, found it hard to concentrate with all going on.
Our kids depend on us & we are doing the best we can no matter how difficult it is.

PippiLngstockng

I am with you, Rosie. Praying that we both find peace.

redatlanta

If people were "really" your friend they would not get involved. Its a very difficult situation to maintain friendship with a couple when they are going to a divorce. When I see friends choose sides I just think "no". There are two sides to every story and things that go in the dynamics of a relationship that others will never be privy to or understand.

I say good riddance. Your husband is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He may put on a good show for now but those who decided to side with him will eventually find out.

As for your kids that's such a difficult situation. Nobody wants their parent to be a piece of sh1t. XAH is also following a script for success in the divorce. I guess maybe for now be thankful that when your children are with him due to the divorce he has been on best behavior.

Until I was an adult I didn't see the dysfunctional relationship between my own parents. Even now at 46 years old I see things more and more especially since my Dad got sick last year. I now know they have the worst way of communicating I have ever seen. My father a codependent and controlling, my mother passive aggressive and jealous. My sister and I spend a lot of time discussing how screwed up they are (no addiction issues). Its not really that different than when we were young we just didn't know or……..I don't know. I thought my parents had really good marriage up until I was about 25. I also thought my mother was the cause of their problems. Until I got an SR and understood codependency I did not know my Dad was just as contributory.

I hope this wraps up for you soon.

embraced2000

fighting windmills.

al-anon

MissFixit

I Pippi,

If he can be sweet to your kids even if it is a temporary act, I think it is nice they get positive attention from him given all the negativity they've experienced. It is easy to be nice for short periods of time, not so easy 365 days a year. A month is a long time and dad will likely get sick of them by week 2-3 and drop the act a bit. Having dealt most of my life with men like him (narcissist), I have observed they cannot maintain the daddy dearest routine for long. Their egos inevitably get in the way. Regardless, here's hoping for a really quality vacay for your kids.

How is your new lawyer? Are you making some progress with the settlement? I hope for you that you find peace with it.

XOXO

Hammer

There you go.

Pippi, as near as I can tell, God does not tend to take sides.

There is only God's side, and it can be our choice to be on it.

The rest takes care of itself.

involved

I have heard some say to just drop the rope. My XABF put a bogus PO on me and wouldnt let me come get my furniture...some sentimental heirlooms of my deceased father. He ended up putting it out in the weather or selling it. I had lawn furniture in the living room of my new apartment and my lawyer was raking it in. I said the Serenity prayer so hard so many times and it is the onlything that got me thru. I finally came to the realization that the compensation I would get for my belongings was of far less value than the peace I would gain from just walking away. After all if keeping furniture that my dead father (whom he had never even met) helped him feel like a good person and sleep better at night then he could keep it. It was only material after all... Sometimes we keep ourselves in the [email protected] also let him keep the "well meaning friends" who were just trying to help! Realized that water seeks its own level! Good luck! Saw something the other day that said "going to the dentist helps us keep our teeth...so does minding our own business"!

Thumper

When I divorced and we moved my kids were sooooo mad at me. They thought I was wrong. Their dad told them that I was wrong and very mean to him and them. If he did not want them for a weekend or if he called for me to pick them up early - he blamed me - because of what I had done to him he could not keep them another day. They believed ALL of it and they told me that loud and clear with their actions and their words.

I did not say one bad word about their dad. (I did talk with them about alcoholism and what that was.) They were a little younger and I read some books about divorce with them. I mostly just repeated that I loved them, I was doing what was best for our family, and that I would always be there. They could always come home to me - always - but their dad's decisions were his and his alone. He was a grown up and could take care of himself just like mom and every other grown up they knew. And those things were all true. And eventually they could see the reality for themselves. They can see I love them, and that I will always be there for them, and that I while not perfect - I do my best. My actions have shown them that and behavior is more powerful than what their father has said and more powerful than what things looked at first from inside their confused thoughts and broken hearts when we first divorced.

I was very safe because I never asked them to not love their dad, or not like him. I did not point out all his mistakes (and he has many big ones - he mostly abandoned his children). I am not a threat to their relationship and they have the freedom to make up their own minds without having to defend him or their own feelings.

In the end children see and they see faster and more clearly if they are not busy defending a parent or their feelings for a parent. I don't mean just defending them out loud, but subconsciously. Children identify as parts of their parent. If we malign a parent, we malign them - and that does not feel good.

I have not read anything that leads me to believe you are saying anything negative about their dad. I'm just sharing my general thoughts for anyone reading the thread.

I know this has been a long long road for you and my thoughts are with you. You want to do whatever is necessary to not want to alienate or disengage from your own children. That is very serious and if you need counseling to help you with that - than I would make that a number one priority.

littlesister1

You need to get a job!

PippiLngstockng

I think I do need to bring this issue to some kind of therapeutic center, Thumper et al. It has taken a long while to identify clearly.

It is true that speaking a language that xah cannot, and assimilating in a different culture has been like washing away his influence on my life.

I am glad for my children that their father seems to have gotten his act a little more cleaned up. Thank heavens their last two visits were relatively incident free.

They did return home 5 times more happy to see me and appreciative of me and kind to one another than I have ever seen before. They all just wanted to talk and share and have my full attention. And they were polite and helpful. I certainly benefitted from their last visit with Dad. His limitations are more obvious with me out of the way, but he didn't endanger them in any way.

More positive than negative. Which is why I can see that I still have work to do on myself. This is different than when he was being crazy and binge drinking and scarying us. Things have quieted down and that frees me up to look at my own attitudes and behavior. Before it was just one crisis and then another.

Divorce is scheduled for this month. I finish my exams around that same time. Then we'll see what's next for Pippi and co.