Blossom717

So I don't have anything important to say. Just avoiding ABF. I said earlier he's been nice all week (not so sober, just nice) and I was waiting on the other shoe to drop so to speak. This evening when I got home he has been distant and then told me I am disrespecting him by going out to a bachelorette party Saturday (my brothers fiancé)...it's just a bunch of girls going to a couple bars! Of all people to say it's disrespectful?! He's supposed to be going to my brothers bachelor party and it doesn't bother me a bit. He's worried I'll cheat but I've never given him a reason to suggest id do that. So frustrating. So he's using that as an excuse to not eat dinner and to drink his meal. I know he wants me to ask him what's wrong so he can yell at me but I've done nothing wrong so I'm not giving in.

What are nights like with out all this tension?

AnvilheadII

What are nights like with out all this tension?
pleasant, peaceful and fun. in fact there IS no tension......
he isn't worried you will cheat....he lives in fear that you will find life Without him better.....

if he doesn't want to eat? his decision. he's a big boy now.
if he chooses to drink...it''s not you, he will concoct any and all reasons, no matter how ridiculous, to DRINK. no matter how close you come to matching what you think HIS idea of "perfection" is....you will always fall short. free yourself from thinking that anything you do really has much of an effect....he is going to do what HE is going to do, period.

ladyscribbler

He senses you slipping out of his grasp so he's trying to tighten up the control crap. My ex did this. It is wonderful not to be at the mercy of an alcoholic's mood swings. He will make up all sorts of impossible standards for other people while he himself is engaging in the lowest common denominator of human behavior. But it will always be everyone else's fault for letting him down.
I know you are working to make a plan for your exit. Just focus on yourself and your little girl. Like anvil said, he's an adult, even if he's acting like a spoiled toddler right now, but you have a real child who deserves your attention.

fairlyuncertain

You just described my ex with total precision!!! He must have a long-lost twin brother!!

Seren

Yep, his moods are not your moods, and he doesn't like because it means he is losing control over you. It seems alcoholics don't like to lose control over their enablers because it threatens the drinking, I'm afraid.

I think if you want to go, you should go!

Blossom717

Its that old saying "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." I have learned after a few years of this with him that if I do what he wants me to do, then he gets control over me. If I do what I want to do, then I have control over me. I can't control him, I'm fine with that now. He is invited to the bachelor party but I don't think he will go to make a point, and he also doesn't like to drink in public...then people would notice his problem I guess.

marie1960

So you are disrespecting him? just wow........

The countless nights he chooses to pollute his mind and body with booze, are not disrespectful?

control freak= unstable.

I found when I chose better for myself, the craziness started to diminish.......

Blossom717

Well just an update.

The original plan for the bachelorette party was for all the girls to spend the night in a hotel room (a chance away from ABF? I'll take it.)

He actually told me this yesterday: "women only go to bars and drink and get shacked up in hotel rooms to cheat. If you go you can go live with your mom."

Really? Are all men like this? Am I just being selfish? So I told him fine, come pick me up afterward (I don't want to drive even if I only have a couple of drinks) and he said no, why should he help me.

None of this would even bother me right now, I'd leave in an instant, if it weren't for the fact that my brother is getting married in our barn in 2 weeks. aBF already threatened to cancel it. Wth? So I have to appease him until that is over I guess?

Anyway. Gas lighting? Bc I feel like I'm being an awful girlfriend (and maid of honor and sister!)

marie1960

He actually told me this yesterday: "women only go to bars and drink and get shacked up in hotel rooms to cheat.

I find his comments offensive, and quite frankly, you should be highly offended. Sounds to me like he is calling you/all women sluts.

Blossom, he simply does not have any respect for you, or women. You certainly are worthy of much, much more.......

He obviously thinks he walks on water.

I repeat, Control freak = unstable.

so, in 15 days you are out of this situation? I would gladly help you pack up and move far away from his disrespectful azz.

Blossom717

Thank you for that. I'm feeling crazy and I was starting to think I should feel guilty. He's known about it for over month, and just started acting like this the day before last. My dd is staying at my moms and I'm staying out, either way he way he will be mad. I will be so happy to start our new life with out him. I think it'll feel like breaking out of jail lol.