Not being understood

Old 05-01-2014, 12:51 PM
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Not being understood

My estranged sibling once argued that "you are weaving an alternate life where you are the innocent victim of an abusive alcoholic family". I literally had a giant question mark over my head based on his remark.

I never once made the statement that I'm innocent. That I'm a victim. I certainly never stated that my family is abusive (why include everyone all in one lump as opposed to singular behaviors from two people out of 30?). I would not characterize my family as "alcoholic". My father's an alcoholic, but not my entire family.

How do you handle situations where your loved ones don't truly understand, don't truly see you as you are, are completely off-base, talk about the feelings you have - that you actually don't, and try to speak to your feelings, thoughts, ideas and none of it is true? It's all just their perception of my feelings, and not my real feelings?

Do we just have to accept that they have these absolute myths, mis-truths, and made-up stories about who we are, what we're about, etc?

Am I getting caught-up with something that was just a bunch of quacking? (I suspect this particular brother is suffering from alcohol abuse)
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Old 05-01-2014, 01:00 PM
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I don't know it is so much a quack as just denial and not a complete grasp of what is going on. Denial is very very powerful. You can overlook all sorts of things in your own head to make things seem ok.

I think this is why having a support system is so important. Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, something. We need people who are no longer in denial and can relate.
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Old 05-01-2014, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I don't know it is so much a quack as just denial and not a complete grasp of what is going on.
Quacking is what people in denial do.
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Old 05-01-2014, 04:31 PM
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The story in our family was that nothing was wrong with whichever parent was doing the quacking--it was all the OTHER parent's fault, or our fault.

I feel for kids who grow up in A families w/o the support of their siblings. My sibs and I still eye roll at the antics of our parents, and it's a great source of validation and comfort for me.

Never underestimate the games As will play to divide and conquer siblings, so that unity and recognition of their idiocy never happens.
I'll tell you, as an SR-sister, that your feelings are real, whether or not someone else happens to agree!!

Also, I saw that you broke down his statement word by word, to defend yourself. Don't. He just distracted you, got you focussing on what YOUR problem is. Guess what? That frees up everyone from the anxiety that you might notice THEIR problems!

I found my best protection from that bullsh& was laughter, or a snappy comeback (which I'd usually think of an hour too late, darn it
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Old 05-01-2014, 04:35 PM
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Originally Posted by thotful View Post
Do we just have to accept that they have these absolute myths, mis-truths, and made-up stories about who we are, what we're about, etc?

Am I getting caught-up with something that was just a bunch of quacking? (I suspect this particular brother is suffering from alcohol abuse)
Well, yes, and yes.

My sister has a completely different view of our parents than I do. She is allowed to have her ideas, and I'm allowed to have mine. Generally, we get along just fine because we don't talk much about it. I don't have to agree with her views, but I have to accept that they are hers and she is allowed to have them. Anything else would be controlling on my part.
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Old 05-02-2014, 06:47 AM
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i think sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. they have their own views and memories to which they are entitled. just drop the rock and let it be, quit trying to make them see your side. if that means more distance and less contact, so be it.
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