freetosmile

AH is so worried about me cheating if I go to alanon.....I was wondering ( and maybe this is just making yet another accommodation for him) about what people thought about an online AA or alanon? Is it as effective? Do you still get a sponsor? Anyone know of someone who has had good success. Even without his insecurities, it would make it easier for me since I live in the boonies and have 5 kiddos.

SparkleKitty

I don't have any experience with online AA or Al-anon, but want to gently suggest that your AH's insecurity about YOUR recovery is HIS problem, and not yours to solve. And I doubt very much that he is as worried about your cheating as he is worried about you learning that you might no longer be able to live with an active addict.

Mango blast

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/electronic-meetings

I've only attended a couple online meetings. For me, they're not nearly as effective as in person. Each local group that I've gone to has been very different from each other. I use the word local loosely as I live 1-2 hours away from them. I haven't been actively looking for a sponsor yet. It's hard enough figuring that out in person for me. I think I'd have a much harder time electronically without getting to know them first.

I also am in need of that human person to person interaction. I need to be able to see people, talk to them and hold their hands. It's the little things that have meant a lot to me.

The cheating accusations are horrible. My husband will rarely say something about me having a boyfriend... like if I'm heading to town or on the phone. It's usually years between saying that, but I hate it. It's not in a fun way; it's his insecurities and there is no reason for them. I've finally realized how passive-aggressive and controlling that feels to me. I've been working my end on the emotional abuse. A few days ago he asked if I was talking to my boyfriend when I was on the telephone. I've spoken up about it before, but this was the first time I was able to say unemotionally how hurtful that is and I don't like it when he says that. He apologized, and thanks to him being sober and also the work he's been doing, I think he gets it now. If not, as SK says, that is his problem to work out.

How do you feel about this when your husband accuses you of cheating? How will giving in to him on this change anything? Just questions for to think. (((hugs)))

readerbaby71

I'm sorry, but if you let him control your recovery, it's not really recovery at all.

unsureoffuture

I dont think you should alter YOUR recovery to suit HIM. His insecurities are HIS problem. A healthy relationship cannot exist without trust and it honestly sounds very controlling.This would be a big red flag for me. Is he controlling about other ares of your life? Does he check up on who you call, talk to, see on a regular basis? I mean honestly, if you are going to cheat you are going to cheat. You could find him in the grocery store, shopping mall, park, neighborhood etc. I am not sure how cheating through Al-anon comes about. You cant stay locked in a bubble. You have to be able to live your life as you see fit.

freetosmile

Yes, I do honestly see the red flags. I've never been unfaithful to him. He really is abusive in that form. This much is true. We've struggled a lot in counseling about this.
I guess maybe at this point, my first step in recovery would be to make my meetings. Just go. Just do it and if he has a problem, then...well I'll deal with that part later.
So meetings here are every Monday over the noon hour. I'm just going to go.

Hawkeye13

I agree that you should go and to heck with him and his paranoid suspicions. Your recovery is for you, and if he is insecure and trying to control you, that is his problem.

freetosmile

And yes. My husband is constantly ( at least 4-5 times a month) accusing me of cheating.
And yes, it hurts beyond what I can even express.

I used to think it was because of his x, but after five years now....I just think ...I don't know what I think. I just think I feel really hurt about it. Almost numb. Almost like it is the norm. I've just gotten used to it and now that I'm actually seeing my words in writing, I see how much it is damaging me.

SparkleKitty

His unfounded accusations of cheating have nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with HIM. If we hear that we are wrong, or bad, or unworthy enough times, we begin to believe it. Sending you strength and courage to hold on to what you KNOW is true and to accept that owning your own truth trumps his constant efforts to degrade and invalidate you. You deserve better treatment than that.

deeker

I used to chair AA online.net, It was helpful.


How about Phone meetings. I have done a few.

Here is a link for Alanon Phone meetings. Plus you can get a phone sponsor.

http://www.alanonphonemeetings.org/c...darApr2014.htm

Make sure you have unlimited long distance

dandylion

freetosmile--check the "stickies" at the top of the friends and family main page--just above the threads. It contains good information about the various forms of abuse. This might be helpful for you, right now.

You are doing quite well, in my opinion , in a very difficult situation. Keep it up. You are certainly not the first person to find herself in this situation. You are not alone!!!

dandylion

hopeful4

Even though I am adamantly against cheating and have voiced that for years, the first thing my XAH accused me of is that I am cheating on him. In his own crazy head, he cannot understand why I would not want to be married to an egotistical, narcissistic, alcoholic...hmmm....

Just do what you need to do for your own recovery. You deserve to have the best quality of life you can for you and for your kiddos.