What's your thoughts?
 

I'm 38 and a non-drinker and have never enjoyed alcohol.

One month ago, after 2.5 years together (1.5 yrs. living together) I broke up with my AGF because of her drinking. A week and a half ago when we had met, she broke down (which I had never seen her do before) and admitted to having a drinking problem. She had also apologized for everything she has put me through during our relationship. It's a very big step for her I realize. Since then, she hasn't stopped drinking which doesn't surprise me.

A few days ago, I asked her again what she intends to do as far as seeking help.

My exAGF is 28 has been on the same daily medication for depression for about eight years and also has anxiety issues which pre-dates when she had first started drinking regularly at 23.

She said that a co-worker of hers (presumably not aware of her drinking issue) suggested that she go see a psychiatrist. One that the co-worker recommended.

I'm not sure that this may be the best course of action for my exAGF since I know that a lot of psychiatrists are notorious pill-pushers. I'm conflicted between thinking "I guess some help is better than no help" and taking pills may result in her developing a new chemical dependency.

Just wanted input from you guys on this.

Her sobriety or lack thereof is her responsibility. My input, your input, that's really irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. She's an ex, but you're still snared in her drama. Why do you think that is? What do you think is the best course of action for you right now?

This co-worker must be aware that there's some issue, or they wouldn't have recommended a psychiatrist.

I'm detached. Most likely not completely since the break-up is still somewhat fresh. I HAVE ZERO intentions of ever getting back into a relationship with her. It's not worth it for me to ever be in a romantic relationship with an addict. I've already expressed this with my family and close friends.

I appreciate your response, ladyscribbler.

As far as what I've done, I've been attending private sessions with an addiction therapist, read a ton on alcoholism and codependency, and talking to close friends/family. I've found a new place to live in, set new life goals, getting back into shape by exercising more, eating healthier, am now close to getting a new job, etc.

You're right. Her drama is her drama. But if she is willing to seek help, I'm willing to show support AS A FRIEND.

Often times underneath the addiction is a core mental illness which is not being treated. I assume she is not seeing a psychiatrist now, rather is getting her current script from a GP.

I think this is very wise advice. I suggest to most who inquire that a mental illness evaluation be done on any addict. My personal experience is many times bi-polar or Borderline Personality Disorder can be lurking under the addiction specifically Bipolar II, although it can be a myriad of things.

Depression and anti anxiety meds don't play well with Alcohol especially benzo's which can be deadly when mixed with alcohol.

If you are still in contact I would say to encourage her to go, though I am NOT encouraging you to contact her if you aren't.

Best to stay far, far away.

Sounds like you've got a great plan for you. Glad to hear it, and glad to hear you're putting your own well-being first.
Change for her will come in the form of actions, not words. Lots of alcoholics and addicts pay lip service to the notion of having a problem or getting help, but many do not follow through. Watch what she does. Don't listen to what she says. Support her, but from a safe distance. Good luck.

I would encourage her to see a psychiatrist that specializes in addiction. My psychiatrist does, he is great. He has not pushed a pill once.

I think it's just finding the right person. If she calls the Medical Board or Medical Society where she lives they can likely give her a name.

Good Luck!

Yes, I'm still in contact with her... and from afar. I've set boundaries for myself. And have told her explicitly that there would be no drinking prior to and during times of our meet ups. Otherwise, I will just walk away.

Her current script is from a GP. I've already thought and know about some of the things you've mentioned. I personally don't have any experience with psychiatrists.

I'm well aware of this. Actions do speak louder than words. I remain skeptical that she truly wants to quit drinking.

Why does she have to see a psychiatrist? Why not a psychologist? They don't prescribe meds.

If she wanted to quit drinking she would have by now, all she’s doing is stringing you along by talking a good game and shedding some tears. Then mentioning how a psychiatrist might help at the suggestion of someone who isn’t even aware of her drinking problem! Now that’s convenient for her isn’t it?

No she’s not ready to give it up yet.

I think it was healthy on your part to break up with her and move out. But I don’t think it’s healthy for you to remain emotionally involved which is keeping you emotionally attached to her and her issues.

You mentioned having private sessions with an addiction therapist, is this for your addiction to her and your codependency or do you suffer as well from a chemical addiction?

That’s secret squirrel codie code for – I’m not ready to give up my addiction yet either or a relationship with this person at any cost to myself.

You sound defensive to the suggestions offered.

What is the advice you were hoping to obtain?

If you were actually detached, I doubt you would be on this forum seeking approval. Whatever you do or don't do is not going to affect her recovery or non-recovery. This is all on her. The sooner you stop trying to direct her treatment, the better it will be for all concerned, especially you.

Sounds like she is beginning to realize SHE has a problem. Hopefully she chooses a path to recovery.

"A few days ago, I asked her again what she intends to do as far as seeking help. "

With all due respect, this really isn't your business. That may sound harsh, but it's the truth with addiction. If she is your Ex, then her plan for seeking help is her business and not yours. If she wants to see a psychiatrist, then that's her choice. You may not feel it's the path she should take, but you're not directing her recovery plan.

The best, most loving thing you can do is step back. You can't set boundaries for her ie there will be no drinking prior to and during your meetups. That is control. You can set a boundary for you however. If she is drinking when we meet, I will get in the car and leave. That is about your actions, not hers.

Consider finding an AlAnon group and attend some meetings. You will get a lot of support in working through those co-dependent issues that keep our focus where it doesn't have any power...on the A.

The statistics on comorbidity between psychological issues and addition are staggering.
I don't know the exact number because I do not feel like digging out my textbooks, but I am sure you can google it or something.

I have a degree in this. I know that the addiction causes the mental problems, or vice versa, in most cases. And neither issue will ever be fully resolved until both issues are taken care of.
I take antidepressants, and I have since I was 16, and I tell you right now, if it weren't for that medication, I would have killed myself a million times over. I hate drugs as much as the next person, but some people do need it. I bet your AGF does too if she has been on them for 8 years.
And mental issues are so hard. People have a hard time seeing a problem because it's not physical-you CAN'T see it. I bet she is having such a hard time trying to articulate the problem in her head because she has no idea herself.
Don't be too hard on her, really. It's better off that she has someone to talk to than no one to talk to, and gets worse. The medication is a non-issue, they will give her what she needs (which may even be just therapy and no medication at all).

I am not her doctor, but if she had these mental problems before she ever became addicted, she is going to have to work on that. She has to be mentally ready to overcome the addiction, or she will never get to recovery.