Advice please: Coparenting issue
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Advice please: Coparenting issue
Can you help me out? My ex is planning on cutting our son's hair and has not let me know about his plan. I told X when we were together that I wanted to wait until our son was two to cut his hair, but X trimmed it one day while I was at work. Second birthday is tomorrow and X will see our son on Friday. X talked to me about it briefly a few weeks ago, said he wants to be there for first haircut, but I told him he needs to email me about it. He told me all he has is his phone for internet. That's all I have too & it works fine. I know he's capable of emailing on his phone, because he used to have an emotional internet affair with someone when we were together. I've received no email from him, but he has let Facebook know his plan. I was told about this by a mutual friend.
I am a) having trouble not taking this personally as he is not communicating his plan to me (You're just going to tell me to suck it up, aren't you?) b) afraid that *I* will miss the "first" haircut because X won't tell me about it, and c) afraid that he's just going to give some haircut that looks dumb.
I would please like some advice on how to talk to him about this. My boundary is No Contact unless it's about our son and only electronically. I was pretty mad and hurt when I found out, but I tried to stop and think before I communicated about it with him. Advice is appreciated, and please recognize that my feelings are not my actions. I have these feelings, but I want to be healthy in my approach.
Also, I really don't want this haircut. My son's hair is beautiful (and don't care that people think he looks like a girl, because my son takes no issue with this). Still, I am willing to compromise on this, because a) I have integrity and want to stay true to my word, and b) there are way larger issues at hand and I don't want to waste energy picking every little battle that comes along. I feel like I'm bargaining with a mentally ill person. I guess because I am.
I am a) having trouble not taking this personally as he is not communicating his plan to me (You're just going to tell me to suck it up, aren't you?) b) afraid that *I* will miss the "first" haircut because X won't tell me about it, and c) afraid that he's just going to give some haircut that looks dumb.
I would please like some advice on how to talk to him about this. My boundary is No Contact unless it's about our son and only electronically. I was pretty mad and hurt when I found out, but I tried to stop and think before I communicated about it with him. Advice is appreciated, and please recognize that my feelings are not my actions. I have these feelings, but I want to be healthy in my approach.
Also, I really don't want this haircut. My son's hair is beautiful (and don't care that people think he looks like a girl, because my son takes no issue with this). Still, I am willing to compromise on this, because a) I have integrity and want to stay true to my word, and b) there are way larger issues at hand and I don't want to waste energy picking every little battle that comes along. I feel like I'm bargaining with a mentally ill person. I guess because I am.
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Yes pick and choose your battles. Wise.
I'm not really sure what to advise, I don't have any kids. My gut says you can't stop him from getting the haircut. If you want to be there for it then schedule it and send him information as to where and when.
Otherwise, expect that he will get it cut and I doubt give you the same consideration for an invite - but that's just the way it goes.
I'm not really sure what to advise, I don't have any kids. My gut says you can't stop him from getting the haircut. If you want to be there for it then schedule it and send him information as to where and when.
Otherwise, expect that he will get it cut and I doubt give you the same consideration for an invite - but that's just the way it goes.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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I agree. Pick your battles. Also be realistic on what you can control. If you want some locks to save, do a trim yourself and have a special moment together. Take photos, make memories. Let dad do the same if he wants to. Hair will grow back. Time together is precious.
We have three boys and a girl. Lots of different hair cut stories for each of them. Dad was so disappointed when his little girl had her long hair cut as short as her brothers, but he never said a word about that -- just how beautiful she is. She has amazing self confidence now; these kind of moments can help. Our 18 year old likes to go get his hair cut, but only does it about three times a year and it grows quickly. He was home over Easter with his girlfriend and asked me to cut his hair with the clippers. Those tumbling locks and the times we've done that through the years is very special in it's everyday normalcy. I love his long curly locks and also the short cut that makes him look so grown up and will soon grow out again. He's already getting the receding hairline that his older bro got around that age. Our youngest likes to get his cut at the salon - that's kind of his traditional time with grandma. Sometimes he'll let us cut it at home, too.
Gum stuck in hair? Peanut butter.
Cutting hair outside with a 4 year old is great. We had fighter jets fly over and that was really cool until the sonic boom! That was really scary. Yet good memories, looking back. That was the oldest who now has a beautiful wife and precious little baby boy of his own.
And two of them cut their own hair at some point, without asking.
Not trying to highjack your thread. It's just amazing how much we don't have control over with kids. Try to enjoy it as it happens, no matter what that is. At least you had notice of some sort so you can great your son with a warm smile instead of tears. There were also some hair cuts with tears, and even Santa visits like that, but those aren't the ones I remember. (((hugs)))
We have three boys and a girl. Lots of different hair cut stories for each of them. Dad was so disappointed when his little girl had her long hair cut as short as her brothers, but he never said a word about that -- just how beautiful she is. She has amazing self confidence now; these kind of moments can help. Our 18 year old likes to go get his hair cut, but only does it about three times a year and it grows quickly. He was home over Easter with his girlfriend and asked me to cut his hair with the clippers. Those tumbling locks and the times we've done that through the years is very special in it's everyday normalcy. I love his long curly locks and also the short cut that makes him look so grown up and will soon grow out again. He's already getting the receding hairline that his older bro got around that age. Our youngest likes to get his cut at the salon - that's kind of his traditional time with grandma. Sometimes he'll let us cut it at home, too.
Gum stuck in hair? Peanut butter.
Cutting hair outside with a 4 year old is great. We had fighter jets fly over and that was really cool until the sonic boom! That was really scary. Yet good memories, looking back. That was the oldest who now has a beautiful wife and precious little baby boy of his own.
And two of them cut their own hair at some point, without asking.
Not trying to highjack your thread. It's just amazing how much we don't have control over with kids. Try to enjoy it as it happens, no matter what that is. At least you had notice of some sort so you can great your son with a warm smile instead of tears. There were also some hair cuts with tears, and even Santa visits like that, but those aren't the ones I remember. (((hugs)))
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Yes, pick your battles. But do you want to know what I would do? I'd take him to have his hair cut to ruin it for your ex since he's planning to ruin it for you. But I'm petty and passive aggressive like that and I don't recommend behaving that way. Take the high road, mama. There are so many fun milestones that even if you miss this one there are so many more that you'll have a front row seat for. And happy birthday to your little guy!
And happy birthday to your little guy!
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Originally Posted by LightInside 
Any key, what kind of fear do you mean?
Seems trivial- but to win your approval your son might take on the persona that he has to exhude the fears that you bring up. To win your love he is to have the same fears that you do.
Your outlook should be- this is what a big boy does. He gets his haircut and is a gentleman.
If you instill a sense of panic- that could spill over to other areas- right now we are talking about a hair cut- but it could mean other fears- that dont need to be.
I feel that I took on my moms fear- for instance she feared water- since I learned her fear- I never learned how to swim. So she wanted to help me out and protect me- but if we have a flood and I am forced- now I do not know how to swim.
Another example- is the tooth fairy pays money for teeth- why not pull out some teeth to get some cash so I can get some neat candy and toys. Well I did that. Add in the fear of going to a dentist- and that in my case ended up in false teeth sooner then need be.
but then maybe I then decided mom had too many fear and decided to ignore them. bought a house in a bad area- and ended up losing it all - when that fear-would have been well heeded.
If mom fears dogs- I ran real hard to get away from a dog and fell on the sidewalk and then needed stitches. I was taught to be afraid of dogs- so I ended up with stitches because I over reacted.
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Thank you all. Weirdly, X texted tonight and asked if a haircut was planned for tomorrow, and if he could get pictures and a lock of hair. I guess that's what I can expect from an addict - assumptions and saying different things to different people. Glad I didn't attack him with defensive questions like I wanted to.
I'm not afraid of my son getting his haircut, so I don't think he'll be afraid. I'm sad about it, but it is a milestone and even though his dad makes a lot of poor decisions, this isn't going to endanger our son. It actually might help them bond, which is good since their time together is limited. I think it's good that his dad is presenting a different way of being than I present. I just don't like it is all. I also think this is about what Dad wants and not about what Son wants. If DS was asking for a haircut, it would be a totally different scenario for me.
I am good at putting on a happy face for my son's sake. It doesn't mean I didn't break down and cry in front of him 9 months ago when his Dad dumped me, but I am good at explaining my emotions in simple terms and letting him know that I will be okay.
I'm not afraid of my son getting his haircut, so I don't think he'll be afraid. I'm sad about it, but it is a milestone and even though his dad makes a lot of poor decisions, this isn't going to endanger our son. It actually might help them bond, which is good since their time together is limited. I think it's good that his dad is presenting a different way of being than I present. I just don't like it is all. I also think this is about what Dad wants and not about what Son wants. If DS was asking for a haircut, it would be a totally different scenario for me.
I am good at putting on a happy face for my son's sake. It doesn't mean I didn't break down and cry in front of him 9 months ago when his Dad dumped me, but I am good at explaining my emotions in simple terms and letting him know that I will be okay.
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It's not really about a hair cut, it's about control and the fact that when our kids are away from us we can't control their caretakers or protect the kids from their behavior. And we can't.
Co-parenting is a long game. Fight the big fights, save the haircut fights for bull sessions with your friends.
A big lesson for me to learn when beginning to co-parent was that sometimes we were going to disagree and sometimes our styles and timelines would be different -- and that this is neither abuse nor neglect. One thing about co-parenting is that you're going to have to miss or share milestones with the other parent, even if you don't like them. You don't have to like it, it just is what it is.
Co-parenting is a long game. Fight the big fights, save the haircut fights for bull sessions with your friends.
A big lesson for me to learn when beginning to co-parent was that sometimes we were going to disagree and sometimes our styles and timelines would be different -- and that this is neither abuse nor neglect. One thing about co-parenting is that you're going to have to miss or share milestones with the other parent, even if you don't like them. You don't have to like it, it just is what it is.
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I feel your pain, I've been there and I get it. You're not going to like what I say (but I come from co-parenting experience here) It isn't about you it's about your son. Your son is 2, it's great that he gets to go with his father to get his first hair cut. Don't rob him of this experience because of how YOU feel. There's this book called CoParenting with a Jerk and the whole premise with ever issue is to decide whose issue it is, is it your issue, their issue or the child's issue. If it's his issue it's up to him to work it out, if it's yours it's up to you and if it's the child's then you need to work together. A haircut at 2 years old is not going to be harmful to your child. This is your issue you need to work on your feelings with it and not involve your child or your ex. If your ex is an alcoholic celebrate the fact that he's actually getting his hair cut, he could be out getting drunk and leaving your son alone in his crib at 12 months old because the babysitter that he never met forgot he was there and left...you could get a call from work that your 18 month old daughter was dumped at a daycare that x picked, after the daycare you shared turned him in for abuse/neglect, with 2 black eyes, a bruise on the bridge of her nose, forehead and a blunt force trauma injury across her whole cheek from "getting shampoo in her eyes" I speak from experience here. Let the haircut go.
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You could always make sure you do it before he does. I understand that you want to wait (trust me, the two and a half year old has never had a haircut, and I don't care-he looks cute) but if there is no way to tell when he is going to do it, do it now, before you miss it.
The first haircut is like a sacred thing, I totally understand, even without all the other communication issues that the ex seems to have. So do it now, it will be sooner, but at least you won't miss it.
The first haircut is like a sacred thing, I totally understand, even without all the other communication issues that the ex seems to have. So do it now, it will be sooner, but at least you won't miss it.
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I think we're all going to go on Saturday. I know it's my issue. I know it's not a safety or morality issue. I know he's not 15 months old and left in the high chair screaming while Dad is passed out 15 feet away.
I'm trying to find a friend or family member to go with me, just to be a buffer, because X is very well behaved in front of others. I have told him that I don't want this, but that I'm true to my word and I know i said 2 years old. I told him he has to be in charge of set up and payment because I won't be.
I think I may have jumped to a conclusion that X had a plan already. I guess all he had said on Fb was that "all that hair will be gone in a few days." When I did tell X that he would have to be responsible for it, he said that he assumed I had set it up. Ha! I guess that's somewhat rational given that I set up everything in DS's life (by choice). Classic controlling or side effect of having an irresponsible X? Both, probably.
Just a little vent: When X has things come up and can't make his visits, he likes to phone DS. Being only 2 today, he's not so great on the phone, but I think it's great when X makes attempts to keep connected. He is probably going to see DS tomorrow with the grandparents, but I still think this is lame: He did not call DS today on his birthday. I'm not mad or taking it personally. I just find it mildly baffling. I kinda knew it was a 50/50 chance that he'd call today. I know. X isn't thinking rationally. I know that DS doesn't care & won't remember.
I'm trying to find a friend or family member to go with me, just to be a buffer, because X is very well behaved in front of others. I have told him that I don't want this, but that I'm true to my word and I know i said 2 years old. I told him he has to be in charge of set up and payment because I won't be.
I think I may have jumped to a conclusion that X had a plan already. I guess all he had said on Fb was that "all that hair will be gone in a few days." When I did tell X that he would have to be responsible for it, he said that he assumed I had set it up. Ha! I guess that's somewhat rational given that I set up everything in DS's life (by choice). Classic controlling or side effect of having an irresponsible X? Both, probably.
Just a little vent: When X has things come up and can't make his visits, he likes to phone DS. Being only 2 today, he's not so great on the phone, but I think it's great when X makes attempts to keep connected. He is probably going to see DS tomorrow with the grandparents, but I still think this is lame: He did not call DS today on his birthday. I'm not mad or taking it personally. I just find it mildly baffling. I kinda knew it was a 50/50 chance that he'd call today. I know. X isn't thinking rationally. I know that DS doesn't care & won't remember.
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Forgive me for being inept at communicating with an A. If I thought that X loved me and supported me, this wouldn't really be such an issue. I believe, in the context of my life, it's my job as the mom to provide more of the comfort and safety type of relationship, and for the dad to do more of the exposure to independence kind of stuff. It's not that I don't play both roles, but there's an imbalance in the amount of time that my son spends with reach of us. X would say this is my fault for insisting on supervision he sees as unnecessary punishment. I say it's a consequence of the unsafe behaviors that go with his drinking. At any rate, I feel discombobulated and fearful of my son's future. Son seems super well-adjusted right now.
Okay kind of a tangent up there. I'm posting right now because today X asked of there's a reason why I want the long hair. He told me why he wants short. I think that's an open invitation to an argument, because you just can't change a person's preferences, but X & I both probably want to. In the message he sent, it was all, "I think this... I want this..." If I respond with my preferences, it's just me doing the same thing. I am not afraid of this haircut. I'm actually getting excited about it.
Here is what I came up with as a response and I wonder if it, or part of it seem like i have a bad attitude.
I honestly don't always know when I'm being aggressive but I'm working on that. Sometimes I also feel like I'm too nice to him for my own good and I want to avoid that too.
"I don't think my reasons for wanting his hair long will change any outcome, so I will keep those to myself. How about this? After your visit today, please look online for some toddler boy hairstyles, pick out a couple or few that look good to you. I will do the same today. We can show what we came up with and pick one that seems to be the most middle-of-the-road. Does that sound okay to you? Please recognize that I recognize you are his father and your influence in his life is crucial. I don't want to take that away from the two of you. If you are being safe, sober, and loving with him, I think it is a VERY good thing. "
Opinions please.
Okay kind of a tangent up there. I'm posting right now because today X asked of there's a reason why I want the long hair. He told me why he wants short. I think that's an open invitation to an argument, because you just can't change a person's preferences, but X & I both probably want to. In the message he sent, it was all, "I think this... I want this..." If I respond with my preferences, it's just me doing the same thing. I am not afraid of this haircut. I'm actually getting excited about it.
Here is what I came up with as a response and I wonder if it, or part of it seem like i have a bad attitude.
I honestly don't always know when I'm being aggressive but I'm working on that. Sometimes I also feel like I'm too nice to him for my own good and I want to avoid that too.
"I don't think my reasons for wanting his hair long will change any outcome, so I will keep those to myself. How about this? After your visit today, please look online for some toddler boy hairstyles, pick out a couple or few that look good to you. I will do the same today. We can show what we came up with and pick one that seems to be the most middle-of-the-road. Does that sound okay to you? Please recognize that I recognize you are his father and your influence in his life is crucial. I don't want to take that away from the two of you. If you are being safe, sober, and loving with him, I think it is a VERY good thing. "
Opinions please.
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No need to apologize! I'm still inept at communicating, just continually learning. Though perhaps... more than us being inept at communicating, a lot may have to do with things on their end!
If you already sent it, that's fine because it's what you're feeling. You're very rational and articulate, and yet that can be lost since rational thinking doesn't often come from an active alcoholic. Be careful of placing expectations, both for him and yourself. I've found simple answers to often be the best. (((hugs)))
If you already sent it, that's fine because it's what you're feeling. You're very rational and articulate, and yet that can be lost since rational thinking doesn't often come from an active alcoholic. Be careful of placing expectations, both for him and yourself. I've found simple answers to often be the best. (((hugs)))
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I just sent the middle part about getting the pictures. I have a problem with people not answering questions when I ask them, so I feel bad that I didn't answer his question, but I don't really see the benefit in answering why I like the hair long. I don't know about the part where I acknowledge his importance in DS's life. I guess I need to figure out why I want him to know.
Thanks, KtF
Thanks, KtF
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