Why do we stay??
 

Lately I've been reading more posts around here and I had to ask the question:

Why do we stay??

If the drinking bothers us, the lying, the cheating, the manipulating, why do we put ourselves thru it anymore?? By accepting our A SO's behavior, aren't we sacrificing our own serenity and the opportunity to lead a peaceful healthy relationship?

(Obviously, by using the term "we", I don't mean "all" of us, just the ones that have chosen to stay - or have not yet chosen to leave). If we stay and just choose to accept our A's, are we settling??

I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's been a long week and my brain is mush. I'm just soooooo excited about a 3 day weekend too! And I'm just in the middle of some serious soul-searching too and had to ask that question.

You know...I ask myself that questions sometimes. But then my heart literally hurts. When my A drinks is when I have the problem. But the 90% of the time that he doesn't, it's heaven. He's my bestfriend and my biggest champion. At this point, I don't feel I need to leave.

This is just me :)

I have found that it seems that each individual has thier own list of reasons for staying. I know that for me, I could have made you a very long list!!! LOL


Interesting enough, I didn't feel that way for a very long time. But then again, I had come to a point where I was a major codie and my life revolved around my AH. As time went on and life changed, I began to realize that my life really was not as I wanted it to be and my acceptance of it was less tolerated. Then I had a breaking moment and realized that I was not willing to "settle" for it anymore! I had enough!!!
For me, it wasn't about settling - but eventually it came to be that way!

To this day, I love my AH, though we are seperated. I think that I will always love him, always care about him, and know the potential that he has. Unfortunately for us, it seems that even though he hasn't had a drink in almost 6 months - the damage was already done.

I guess I got to rambling a bit on this post (sorry). I guess what I"m trying to say is that although I don't think we always realize it at first. When our life is not as we wish it were and we choose to do certain things to not change the situation when we could change things to be happier, then yes, we are settling. At least that's my thought of the moment.

I have to agree with Mona, my A husband is the most wonderful man in the world when he is sober. He is a good Dad and he would do almost anything I asked if I told him it would make me happy.

However for me it is getting to the point when this may not be acceptable any more. I have my plan and I am working on getting stronger myself. But sometimes I wonder would it be better for my kids to have two parents, one healthy and one not, or just one healthy parent. I have been through one divorce and part of me just doesn't want to do it again. I don't want to have to explain where Daddy is. It's easier to say he's at work. They are so young, they don't know the difference.

Just like the other women, I could go on and on as to why I stay. But someone told me the other day that the devil we know is far better than the one we don't......

Well now smf...there's a question!

I have lived with G for 2.5 years now. I did not know about about Al-Anon until about 9 months ago. I know that I love G dearly and I don't feel that I'm ready to make a decision to stay or to leave just yet as I'm still recovering from my own issues just now.
There are two things that would have me packing my bags - infidelity and physical abuse. G hasn't stepped over those boundaries. However, I'm now in the middle of having to make new boundaries because this drinking thing is still relatively new to me so I feel like I haven't really found my way yet. I just think that I will be guided when the time comes. Sometimes I think..sh*t, I'm outta here! Then sometimes I just look at him and I really don't want to go...one day at a time at this stage!
HugZ
Sandra

First, I just have to once again proclaim my love of this place and all you wonderful people!!

Second, thank you all for your replies. I totally understand all of them. My AH is a great guy - great dad when he's not drinking. But he's started drinking again "socially", which first was going to be "only when we're out to dinner together" or "only when we're at home", now it's 2 or 3 beers DAILY and I see where it is leading.

He also cheated on me in April - while sober. When he was in rehab in August of 03, he kept telling me that he had the rest of his life to make it up to me. Wow, it's only been a year and THIS is how it is when he's trying to make it up to me?? LOL

I've just finally had enough. He came home last night, said he had "2 beers" -he's driving around with the rest in the back of his truck, took a sleeping pill when he got home and was all loopy. He's most likely using coke again too. I've learned enough about myself to know that this is not what I want anymore. He's not committed to staying clean and sober, then I'm not committed to this marriage anymore. I have to do what is best for the kids and myself. Putting my plan into action shortly. Oddly enough, it's our 10 year wedding anniversary on July 30th.

Okay, enough rambling. I'm treating myself to a manicure and pedicure today and I'm going to have a great 3 day weekend with my kids!!! Hugs to you all! Love - Stace

OOOOOhhh Stace - manicure AND a pedicure - oh yeah.
Good for you.
Enjoy.
(((((Stace)))))
Sandra

My personal belief is that we can't know if we are settling until we work on ourselves. We don't appreciate serenity until we have achieved it and that is when we know if we can have it with our partner or if we have to leave to maintain it.

Early on we don't know we have choices...that is something we learn. Simply leaving is not going to get us what we want...we will likely have to learn the lesson's anyway with someone else.

So my vote is to work on yourself now...that way if you do choose to leave you are going to look back knowing you did all you could instead of wondering if you could have done more.

JT

Have stupid question here...just curious. If any of you won the lottery and won millions. Lets say one stimulation was that your partner could not touch any of the money. The money was all yours...would you leave him/her?
My A is all so wonderful when he is sober. But think money would make a big difference to me..on if I stayed or left. I would probably leave. Thats just me.

Hi,

I stayed until I had worked through to the fact that he'd always be an abuser even with meds and therapy.

Then shortly after I'd accepted that and knew it deep down in my heart it was Salut! buddy.

Ngaire :D

If I won the lottery I am not sure if I would leave or not but we would definitely have more than one home! :lmao

Hmm. Dino was a crack user so the illegality and the money were the big issues. I don't think I would have found him all that unpleasant if I wasn't starving and in danger of losing my business. Good thing I didn't win the lottery. I think I would have been MUCH more tolerant. LOL

I stay because I love him and he is a wonderful man sober or drinking. No arguments, no fighting, no abuse, no missing time from work due to drinking, has never cheated and stays home with me. He lets me do whatever I want when I want most of the time. He makes a lot more than I do but has never made an issue of it. I only work 30 hours per week and he works about 50. He cooks alot (hates to do dishes though). Never complains about my 7 cats and 2 dogs. He just drinks every day. He has only missed maybe 5 days of drinking in the past year. He's not perfect though. We have needed a new roof for the past 2 years and we have the money but he has to do it himself so I have to wait until he is ready. Good thing it's not leaking. The drinking has affected our relationship though and I feel bad about that. BUT I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. (I got my Codie book :) )I have realized that I have been detaching without even knowing what it was. And I would also like to say that you guys are the best. I have learned so much since I found SR. Suggestions without judgement are wonderful. We do not have children and I think that might make a difference on my choice to leave or stay but I do understand why women with children stay when it's just not financially feasible to leave. But that's just my opinion.

If I won the lottery, I would be out in an instant. I feel my A will never know how serious I am or his problem is until he loses his children. And I would not let him see them unsupervised. I do love him, however I am sick of living this life. I don't work, nor do I want to. My children are young and I want to be the biggest influence in their life right now, not a daycare.

This is my first post and somehow I think the title of this post is what made me look for this site online...."Why do we stay??"
My mom is an alcholic, and untill recently I thought I had dealt with everything, thought it all thru and married a great guy....only problem is that in the last few years his drinking has become a problem.
He tells me, "It is how I react to his drinking that is a problem, not that he has a drinking problem" When I met my husband he had just gotten a DUI and was "turning his life around" One of the 1st questions he asked me is "if I drank" When I said "no" he said "great because I don't want alchol in my life".....well that only lasted thru his next addiction..oddly enough it was working out and weightlifting- he was crazy! Had to work out 7 days a week and eat perfect! When that ended he started drinking, but not daily....it just progresses from there.
Anyways long story short he is an alcoholic. :sad: I guess I stay because he only pushes the drinking to a point...then I threaten to leave and he "promises to get help" Then he doesn't talk about it until the next batch of drinking and so goes the cycle. He isn't abusive, and it a wonderful Dad to our boys (3 and 5 years old). I just don't know how much is too much, and when I will leave, but I do know I won't put my kids through what I went through with an alcoholic parent. If I leave won't my kids just be with their Dad "unsupervised" while he drinks??? Sigh!! I don't mean to rant...just want to do what is right. I was raised without a father, and I sure don't want my boys to be without their father. I have been to one Alanon meeting and need to be able to open up enough to go to another....just hard to take those steps....
Lost-
Diane

Hey Diane,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Don't buy that "it's your reaction to how I drink" BS.
That's just him trying to make you responsible for his problem.
I know where you're coming from. I grew up in an alcoholic family and ended up marrying an alcoholic as well. Why do we do this stuff?
Your decision to stay or leave is up to you.
If you decided to go, your kids don't have to be unsupervised with a drunk father. There are ways around that.
Take this one step at a time.
Hit another Alanon meeting.
You don't have to be open if you're not ready to open up.
Sometimes it helps to just sit and listen.
You are headed in the right direction.
Keep the faith.
Gabe

Hey Gabe! Thanks for the kind words. I certainly don't have an answer to the "Why do we do this" question. I look back now at all the signs and can't believe how stupid and blind I was. Guess I was just searching for the comfort level of dysfunction that I was used to in my childhood. Doh! I know I can't stop my husband from drinking, I just hope he can get sober before I no longer have the desire to stay married to him. They lying, hiding and drinking is pushing me further and further away.
I think for me the line is if I think he is never going to get sober I will leave. I don't know how long I will hang on until I deciede it is enough, but I WILL put my boys first! That is the rule for me. Nobody hurts these kids...I was never safe as a child, and my kids will always feel safe in this house...with or without him.
Diane

Hey Diane,
Love your kids, love yourself. And if he wants to go along for the acceptable ride, love him too.
"Searching for the comfort level of dysfunction that I was used to in my childhood?"
I can SO relate to that. Even though it's an oxymoron. There is no comfort level in dysfunction. I think it's a "discomfort level" we seek to maintain the lifestyle we have always known.
Breaking out of that discomfort level is the road to recovery.
It's a hard habit to break.
But one step at a time, we can do it.
Hugs,
Gabe

Hello Yreva and welcome,
Keep coming back and read the power posts and daily posts by Debbie. Remember to take care of YOU and then you will be stronger for your kids!

smf30....Over the 27 years of marriage there have been many times when I wanted to leave. Once I did when I only had two kids and went back east with my parents for 4 months. I ended up coming back and the road has been rocky at times more than I care to keep riding over.Maybe it is because I am older now that I stay. I do love my husband...that is a given. Trying to work and heal myself and do things for me. We really do have fun when he is sober! I do cherish those times!!

Prayers and hugs,
matters

See that's the thing for me too. When he's sober, we have a great time and he is a great father. When he's drinking, he's short tempered and cranky and I just can't STAND being around him.

Honestly, I feel like I was sold a bill of goods when he got out of rehab. Like I've been duped. He talked such a good game. They're on a high from that place. I told him it wasn't going to be that easy. But of course he said he had his "whole life to make it up to me". Funny.

Last night, he tells me "well if I have to stop drinking, then YOU do too!". Bullsh*t!! I told him I'm not the one with a drinking problem! He said he can't be around people who drink or he will want to drink too. I told him fine, then he also has to cut Friend A, B, C, D and E out of his life too then (since they are all heavy drinkers). He of course had some quackin' about that, something like how it was different for them, blah-blah-blah. Whatever. However, he is the one that LET his friends come over to our house and drink. He's such a "YES" man - can't say NO to anyone. Except his family of course. He needs to be the "cool guy" that everyone loves - except by doing so he is aileinating (sp?) his entire family. He's in such denial again - it's actually quite sad to see it and hear how he is trying to rationalize his drinking again.

So, we will see where this leads. I'm only holding on by a thin piece of dental floss right now, and it's about ready to snap.