ladyscribbler

OK, this raised my hackles. Your kids are 5 and 18 months. They are defenseless here. Would you leave them alone with ANY OTHER adult if there was a possibility that the adult was 1) intoxicated 2) May be driving them while under the influence?
I'm not going to tell you to leave or stay. That's none of my business. But think really hard about all of this rationalizing you're doing. I know you desperately want this to be OK so that you can avoid a conflict, but your children's safety is at risk. Please consider preschool or daycare where you are dropping them off and picking them up or there is some other transportation.
Deep down you know what she is doing, you've seen and smelled the truth for yourself. By all means go to Alanon, get a sponsor, work the steps. But first, protect your children.

freetosmile

Just to add something here along the kids thing.
My AH gets drunk around the kids a lot. He is a happy drunk with them. Very playful and kind. I understand what you are saying when you say, she is a great mother. I believe it!! I believe you believe she truly is a great mother. I believe my AH is a great father and the kids are lucky to have him.
On the other hand, the thought has crossed my mind on several occasions... "what if he left the stove on or something?"
"What if THIS was the time something happened?"
"what if it was a bad day and he lost his temper with them?"

The what if's get me all the time........... the what if's turn into a reality would kill me.
If she is drinking during the day, like you know she is, REGARDLESS of how good a mom she is, you have to wonder about that.
I know you didn't want to hear about the kids, but it might you something that everyone else is seeing and you are not.

ladyscribbler

When I was in a relationship with an active alcoholic, one of my favorite expressions was "He would never..."
Hit me
Drive drunk
Be a danger to the kids
Leave the stove on all night
Pass out in the park and get driven home by the police
Threaten to kill all of us because he forgot where he hid his liquor stash
Bring home a stranger from the bar and then pass out, leaving me to kick the drunken weirdo out

There is no "never" with an alcoholic. Just a list of stuff they haven't done YET.
One of the RAs who posts around here once said- until I got sober, all my nevers were just my next new low.

Dr Strangelove

Of course the kids concern me. I'm not in denial about that. I don't think she drinks and drives but I do think on days where she has nowhere to be she will start drinking earlier sometimes. I have only caught her 100% certain twice but my instincts tell me those are not the only times.

ladyscribbler

If your kids were in daycare and you caught the daycare provider drinking twice while your children were in their care, what would you do?
Alcoholism is progressive. This is the absolute best she will ever be.

freetosmile

Of course you are concerned. Your a great father. I will pray that you find a great sponsor and find some resolution. Hugs

dandylion

Dr. Strangelove---allowing an alcoholic to reach their bottom is NOT the same as leaving or deserting a fallen soldier. Not at all.

Sometimes the most lifesaving thing we can do is to get out of their way.

This is not about whether she is a loving mother--I'm willing to bet that she is!!

Would she consider a rehab program??

I agree with the others that you could use alanon or such. Please learn everything that you possibly can about this disease. Knowledge is power when it comes to this disease.

I am wishing the best for you and your family....

dandylion

Dr Strangelove

I think in order to go to rehab you probably need to admit to having a problem. I don't think she thinks she's doing anything wrong. I'll hope for her to see the light but it's not my choice.

dandylion

Dr. Strangelove.....I agree. You could wait for years for her to "see the light".

Hammer has said before that "pain drives the train" (from AA).

Like other married couples with addiction in the center of the m arriage--both couples are engaged together in a dance. No consciously, of course. When you change your behavior--it shakes up the addict's world. It changes their level of comfort--to be able to continue to drink, somehow.

You have more power than you realize. I know that you are afraid that she might welcome divorce........you might be surprised. She might--she might not. Either way--it would bring her closer to her potential bottom.

Ultimately, you can't fix her.....I know that you already know this. She will have to m ake her own decisions. You will have to make yours. I know that this is not easy.

You have my complete empathy.

dandylion

Dr Strangelove

I also wonder if she does get sober and into recovery if we can ever have a good life together again. I feel like I got dealt a very bad hand here and now I'm stuck with it. Alanon seems to preach dealing with the hand you have been dealt and being serene about it.

redatlanta

No….its accept the things you cannot change. You can change whether you stay married. You can't change if she wants to drink. If you choose to stay then it would be find a way to find serenity with your CHOICE.

As for wondering if you could have a good life together if she was sober….well, why not?

Dealt a bad hand? hmmm. Most often there are red flags and we ignore them. You have two beautiful children. Not all is bad.

Croissant

Try not to have preconceived ideas about ALAnon and how it may help you. In my 20s, I was married to a prescription drug addict (I was to some degree unaware of how bad it was until he came home one day telling me he was going into rehab).

One thing you said resonated with me. You feel alone. I went along to ALAnon, and sure, some people stayed in their relationships. I could not if he continued to ignore his health and commitment to get well. Ultimately, the bottom line was, I'd rather be alone, than in a relationship and feel lonely....that is gut wrenching. Making all the accommodations for someone and being given scraps. The person who is supposed to be sharing life's journey, distant and in denial.

In the interests of transparency - Fast forward 2 decades later, I am an alcoholic....which happened long after my break up with him. But one thing remains...I would never,, ever expect someone to stay with me in an intolerable situation. I do admire those who stand by their partners, but at what cost?

I will also add some insight on the children. My Mother was amazing, until slowly her alcohol use degraded. My Father used to leave us with her, I believe he "wanted" to believe she wouldn't hurt us. But she did....and we saw terrible things. Believe me, nothing is scarier than being 6 years old, alone with your Mummy, she can barely stand up and is holding your baby brother. Stumbles back onto the bed and wets herself. What words does a 6 year old have when Daddy comes to pick you up? None. He is an adult, he must know Mummy is doing scary things.

Now, that was one incident before she started REALLY drinking. You won't see or hear the warning signals from your kids until the damage is happening at warp speed. She would be dead drunk, sometimes asleep when I got home from school, sober up enough for when he got home so it seemed she'd only just had a couple while she was cooking dinner. Then start drinking again all through the evening.

I hope in some way my post gives you at least an insight. Wishing you the best in what is a painful situation.

Dr Strangelove

Thank you for sharing your story. You are right it's gut wrenching sometimes how lonely I feel. I try to fill those times with exercise to cheer me up.

I certainly have a lot to think about here.

Wisconsin

Sending you positive vibes, prayers, and support Dr. S.

BTW, totally off topic, but Dr. Strangelove is my all-time favorite movie.

dandylion

Dr. Strangelove---alanon philosophy does not require that you stay in a marriage if you don't want to. Although, I can see where you might have gotten that impression. I got the same impression, at first, also--because I only had contact with those who chose to stay with their spouses.

I divorced my children's father because he had a narcissistic personality disorder (still does!) (not alcoholic). My children are long grown, now---but, I know that I made the right decision. I have never doubted that.

dandylion

p.S. I was soo lonley in the marriage to my children's father. Later, I did go on to have a wonderful marriage in which I was not lonely at all. (I use past tense because he died of cancer).

Dr Strangelove

Then we have something in common as it is also mine

inpieces314

I have 2 kids, 2 and 7. Last year, they were, a year younger, I guess. The ABF, while not working, would drive them around town totally drunk, not take care of them (feeding them, changing diapers, etc.) which got to the point where I started paying 300 bucks a week for daycare. Mind you, I was paying all the bills as it was, on a $9 an hour job (and that is WITH a BS, mind you), but it was worth it. I kicked him out and filed for child support.

Trust me, it took me a long time to do that, I actually had the child support papers filled out from the year BEFORE. It took me THAT long. But he was going to kill my kids, and then I would have killed him.

Hammer

Oh, there are discards in the game.

But do not worry about that part.

First you will want to get Your Mind Right. That is part of what the Program is all about.

Maybe think of this like you have a God Given Path right before you, and you just do not see it yet.

oh forget that. Let me say it straight up --

You have a God Given Path right before you, and you just do not see it yet.

Stung

Oh man, I feel for you. I'm a SAHM too with a 2 year old and 9 month old. I know some other SAHMs that drink during the day, one I strongly suspect is an alcoholic. I don't spend time with her anymore even though she has a heart of gold, her drinking definitely effects the way she treats her kids and she jokes about it to the point where its uncomfortable.

Are you doing any individual therapy? That's where I've personally learned (and continue to learn) how to deal with my husband's alcoholism and have a realistic perspective on what I can expect on a daily basis. My number one goal at this point is raising our children to not have any long term detrimental effects from having an alcoholic parent.

feeling-good

Hi

I hope you don't mind me sliding in here - I really want to read this thread but am too tired right now! Whatever happens, I wish you the very best outcome possible