I almost drank on Sunday.
 

like go to a dark dive bar, cry in my beer, get wasted kind of drinking. I had a crappy morning and was feeling overly emotional. We've both been sick and I was feeling despondent about everything. I went to buy some potting soil and stuff for my yard and planned to work outside when I got home. As I was driving I started thinking "I could just go to _____ and drink and get rid of this irritation and pain. I could sit inside on this sunny day and just forget about everything that's bothering me." It was so tempting. I drive right by the place all the time and usually don't even have a fleeting thought of stopping.

My bf had a painting in an art show Saturday night and had to pick it up Sunday afternoon. I thought about how he'd feel if I blew off picking it up and didn't come home or let him know where I was. There's no fricking way I could do that. I can't believe the thought even entered my mind.

Last week Carlotta mentioned that I should watch my own sobriety since he had a slip and wasn't doing well. At the time I thought, "there is noooo way there's even a chance of me going back to drinking." Well, there is. It's been a long, long time since I've had cravings/compulsive thoughts like that. I'm glad I didn't act on it. I made it through the day and have been much better since then. When I got home I told my BF that I almost drank and we had a long talk that made me feel much better. I have been in recovery for ages but I can't forget that the desire to kill the pain with alcohol will always be there and all it takes is one drink to fall into that hole.

Thanks for letting me share this, and THANK YOU, Carlotta for your insight. I don't know if I would have resisted the urge if I hadn't thought about what you said.

Good for you for staying strong & being aware! I'm also glad I'm not the only one who sometimes hears Carlotta's advice in my head when I am away from the board.... her daily postings from Courage to Change have "spoken" to me more than once. ;)

Even the long timers have these thoughts. My friend T has been sober for over 20 years. He went to Mexico last year with a friend and he said while they were laying out on the beach she ordered one of those fancy fruity cocktails and he said it just popped in his mind "I think I will have one too". Said he felt like getting drunk for the first time in many, many years. He said he got freaked out and went up to his room.

So I guess it doesn't always take a bad day.

So very proud of you - you handled it perfectly!

Almost, maybe, but you did good! FWIW, I'm proud of you.

Good job RB!! Take good care of YOU!!!

Almost drank, thought about drinking, wanted to drink, but you didn't. Good job RB. You're a strong woman!

When things get tough there can be those thoughts crossing our minds, deepest darkest thoughts that need exorcising, triggers are our worst nightmare as life is not always happy thoughts and smelling roses in the back yard, when things get tough is when our sobriety is tested to the extreme, I wish there was a easy answer to days like this but sadly it's our mental resolve that kicks us on or kicks us down. Be strong you have proved you are.

RB, I'm so glad that you were grounded enough and far enough along in your recovery to resist the insane voice telling you to drink! So very, very glad and thankful!

well done on thinking it thru and NOT listening to the voices. the beast NEVER sleeps, it always lies in the bushes...waiting. with a patience that is indeed inhuman.

double down on your recovery. make sure your feet always walk a sober path.

i'm 7 something years out from crack addiction and not two weeks ago, out of the blue, a voice in my head said: dang a couple lines would sure be nice! instant response...hell yeah. then....wait, NO. wtf? NO and HELL NO.

I too am so glad you did not drink and that my post helped you out.
Mine waited over 5 years to get me and I was so unprepared: my av barely whispers to me every two months if that but geesh it came down on me like a hammer when I was vulnerable.

RB, I am so very very proud of you! It's so easy to give in. It takes a strong active recovery to beat that down. :a043:
Go readerbaby!! :dance6:

Carlotta, thank you for all you share with us! The posts are great, but it's also that you care.

Way to go lady!! I'm proud of you! Sorry you were having a bad though and hope you're in a better mood today. :)

:c011: hugs too Reader Baby! :c011:

So it WASN'T The Job, or Him, or (yadda, yadda, yadda) :)

Wodda Thunk? :)

Yeah. You work on You.

Good Job.

Every time you resist the temptation you get stronger and more confident. Well done.

Thanks so much for your kind words and support. I am doing much better. xoxo