And it never changes.....
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Join Date: May 2010
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And it never changes.....
Things have been plugging along. A few weeks ago XAH took kids and one of their friends to the Roller Derby girls. It was really fun and they had a great time. So they have had plans to do it again for a few weeks. Things are going fine. They were w/him. My mom came down, we went to a nice dinner and to a movie. About half way through the movie my older DD, who is 14, sends me a message that she is pretty sure dear ol dad is drinking. He keeps going to the bathroom and smells of beer. Acting stupid.
Of course I tell them I will come and get them either right then if they want to leave or when it's over. They want to stay. She tells me not to say anything to him, which puts me in a very hard spot. I tell him movie is getting over around same time as derby and I will come get the kids (lie, I missed the end of the movie, dang it, it was hilarious). I went and got the kids. They were really mad this was happening.
The next day I cooked up a plan and told him I was evesedropping (sp?) on my daughter's while they were talking and could tell something was wrong. Lie, Lie, Deny. Of course I believe my daughters. I told him that also. I also told him that because it will be in our divorce papers that next time I will let him put the kids in the car, put the key in the ignition, and be right there with the police. In no way will I let him drive my kids drinking, but if he is going to try I will surely put his sorry butt in jail. I hope it hit home. I doubt it.
Of course, my kids are hurt and my little DD, 8, is confused. She asked me last night why we can't just go back to the way it was. I told her that was not good for any of us and that Dad and I both love them very much and that will never change. My heart cracks for both of them. My older DD, 14, is ticked off. She has every right to be. I told him to keep it up and he is going to drive them both to resenting him so much that they cannot stand to be around him.
I am going to get my little DD a cell phone b/c I worry about when my older DD is not with her to let me know what is going on. It's an awful situation.
However, I still know it was the right thing to do. I will make sure I protect my kids as best I can. I will pray and do everything I can do. I have a lot more peace in my life and am thankful I am free of him. I wish he would just fall off the face of the earth. My kids would grieve, but they would move forward eventually. I know that is an awful thing to say, but my feelings are honest here. I won't be on Snapped or anything LOL.
Thanks for letting me ramble on....
XXX
Of course I tell them I will come and get them either right then if they want to leave or when it's over. They want to stay. She tells me not to say anything to him, which puts me in a very hard spot. I tell him movie is getting over around same time as derby and I will come get the kids (lie, I missed the end of the movie, dang it, it was hilarious). I went and got the kids. They were really mad this was happening.
The next day I cooked up a plan and told him I was evesedropping (sp?) on my daughter's while they were talking and could tell something was wrong. Lie, Lie, Deny. Of course I believe my daughters. I told him that also. I also told him that because it will be in our divorce papers that next time I will let him put the kids in the car, put the key in the ignition, and be right there with the police. In no way will I let him drive my kids drinking, but if he is going to try I will surely put his sorry butt in jail. I hope it hit home. I doubt it.
Of course, my kids are hurt and my little DD, 8, is confused. She asked me last night why we can't just go back to the way it was. I told her that was not good for any of us and that Dad and I both love them very much and that will never change. My heart cracks for both of them. My older DD, 14, is ticked off. She has every right to be. I told him to keep it up and he is going to drive them both to resenting him so much that they cannot stand to be around him.
I am going to get my little DD a cell phone b/c I worry about when my older DD is not with her to let me know what is going on. It's an awful situation.
However, I still know it was the right thing to do. I will make sure I protect my kids as best I can. I will pray and do everything I can do. I have a lot more peace in my life and am thankful I am free of him. I wish he would just fall off the face of the earth. My kids would grieve, but they would move forward eventually. I know that is an awful thing to say, but my feelings are honest here. I won't be on Snapped or anything LOL.
Thanks for letting me ramble on....
XXX
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Oh, Hopeful, I really wish this weren't happening to your DDs. What an uncomfortable position for them to have to feel stuck in the middle like that.
I know you feel awful for having to create a bunch of lies & crap in order to protect your girls while outting the drinking.... but I think I would have done the same thing in your shoes.
I know you feel awful for having to create a bunch of lies & crap in order to protect your girls while outting the drinking.... but I think I would have done the same thing in your shoes.
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Good for you. And good for your daughter, who let you know. It's not a situation I would want to put my kid in -- but the fact that she was responsible enough to let you know that her dad was drinking? That's responsibility. That's self-protection. And it's also ridiculous, that a 14-year-old has better sense than her adult father. It makes me very angry that SHE had to take that responsibility.
Your younger one is the same age my youngest one was when I left. We had the same talks. Why can't we just be a family again? I don't know if it was the always-present conflict or the change that bothered her. But my response was the same as yours -- we will always love you, this is not about you, this is about everyone being able to live a healthier life.
I also think you were completely justified in explaining to your AXH what will happen if he tries to drive drunk with the kids. Like the movie line goes, "that's not a threat, that's a promise." You're not threatening him -- you are explaining rationally what will happen. He knows what to expect, and he can make his choices accordingly.
It's hard. It's damn hard. But you are protecting your children and that's the most important part here. And you're doing a really good job of it.
Your younger one is the same age my youngest one was when I left. We had the same talks. Why can't we just be a family again? I don't know if it was the always-present conflict or the change that bothered her. But my response was the same as yours -- we will always love you, this is not about you, this is about everyone being able to live a healthier life.
I also think you were completely justified in explaining to your AXH what will happen if he tries to drive drunk with the kids. Like the movie line goes, "that's not a threat, that's a promise." You're not threatening him -- you are explaining rationally what will happen. He knows what to expect, and he can make his choices accordingly.
It's hard. It's damn hard. But you are protecting your children and that's the most important part here. And you're doing a really good job of it.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Thank you guys. It is so hard b/c I know my children feel like they are having to watch him like a hawk. They just seem worn out and conflicted. Thankfully they both have really great counselors so that should help. I praised them to pieces for doing the right thing and telling me. We have talked about this extensively as have their counselors. I just want to reinforce that for them.
FS, you are right. It did bother me to have to create a lie, but I don't want that pressure on my children to make it even worse. Both of them want me to be able to DO something about it, and I explained to them that unless I can confront it I cannot, and that doing nothing is not an option. I told them no matter if they don't know or not, if they just suspect, to call me and I will come get them. I told him that is what I would be doing b/c it is his responsibility to make them feel safe and secure. If he cannot do that they don't want to be around him. He can take that and....go suck an egg LOL.
lillamy, you are so right. It is not a threat, it is a promise. If he goes to jail it will be by his own consequences. He has had every single chance in the world. He has a support system, he has had rehab, he has Celebrate Recovery, great friends who would be there for him at the drop of a hat. If he does not utilize those tools, that's up to him. In my heart I will never look back because I know these things.
I appreciate the support, I love my SR family!
XXX
FS, you are right. It did bother me to have to create a lie, but I don't want that pressure on my children to make it even worse. Both of them want me to be able to DO something about it, and I explained to them that unless I can confront it I cannot, and that doing nothing is not an option. I told them no matter if they don't know or not, if they just suspect, to call me and I will come get them. I told him that is what I would be doing b/c it is his responsibility to make them feel safe and secure. If he cannot do that they don't want to be around him. He can take that and....go suck an egg LOL.
lillamy, you are so right. It is not a threat, it is a promise. If he goes to jail it will be by his own consequences. He has had every single chance in the world. He has a support system, he has had rehab, he has Celebrate Recovery, great friends who would be there for him at the drop of a hat. If he does not utilize those tools, that's up to him. In my heart I will never look back because I know these things.
I appreciate the support, I love my SR family!
XXX
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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You know what also occurred to me? This was exactly your biggest fear about splitting with AH - that he would try to drive the kids after drinking.
How AWESOME that your DD14 handled it with such responsibility & grace.... she showed you that together, you can face your fears and work it out. If you are looking for a silver lining, to me, this is it!
How AWESOME that your DD14 handled it with such responsibility & grace.... she showed you that together, you can face your fears and work it out. If you are looking for a silver lining, to me, this is it!
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You are right FS, it has always been my fear, always.
I am so happy that my DD handled it so well, but so sad that this is what she has to do. I can see how it effects her and feel so badly. She was also embarrassed that her friend was there and exposed to all of this.
I could not help but feel like if I had been there I would have driven regardless and it would not have happened. I know that is not the right train of thought. I absolutely have come to the point that I have no respect for him and cannot stand him, so I know being together is the wrong thing. Still cannot wrap my head around how someone can drink then put their children in a car w/them. Good grief. It should be the parents protecting their children, not the other way around.
Sigh.....
I am so happy that my DD handled it so well, but so sad that this is what she has to do. I can see how it effects her and feel so badly. She was also embarrassed that her friend was there and exposed to all of this.
I could not help but feel like if I had been there I would have driven regardless and it would not have happened. I know that is not the right train of thought. I absolutely have come to the point that I have no respect for him and cannot stand him, so I know being together is the wrong thing. Still cannot wrap my head around how someone can drink then put their children in a car w/them. Good grief. It should be the parents protecting their children, not the other way around.
Sigh.....
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
You know what also occurred to me? This was exactly your biggest fear about splitting with AH - that he would try to drive the kids after drinking.
How AWESOME that your DD14 handled it with such responsibility & grace.... she showed you that together, you can face your fears and work it out. If you are looking for a silver lining, to me, this is it!
How AWESOME that your DD14 handled it with such responsibility & grace.... she showed you that together, you can face your fears and work it out. If you are looking for a silver lining, to me, this is it!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I am so glad your older DD handled the situation so well. It shows how mature and in tune she is to all his nonsense and how much our kids really are affected by what is happening. I'm sorry that it ruined theirs and your night and that the friend had to witness it. Hopefully laying down the law in the beginning will keep you AH from doing it ever again. But as we know, we have no control over anything they do. That is also my biggest fear because my AH has driven with my kids in the past while drinking. I am finalizing the divorce papers tommrow to file but we are all still living together in the meantime. I am so worried what will happen in the next few months when I am not always there to protect them and drive everywhere. My oldest is 8 and I have debated getting them a cell phone too. Your kids did absolutely the right thing so that shows that you have done all the right things to keep them safe. They sure do have one heck of a great Mom! Keep up the great work.
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Thank you all. I would never be able to be able to have the confidence to assert myself with him had I not had SR behind me every step of the way. It is amazing if you go back and read your old posts to see how much one changes and grows.
While I am sad for my DD's and all they have to go through, I am glad I am showing them this is a boundary for them, one they need not cross, ever. Their safety is #1...always.
One thing I will mention is that the responsibility this puts on the older children is tragic. She has a fear she will not realize one day he was drinking and that something will happen to her little sister. I make him call me before driving with them, I can normally tell if he has been drinking. It shows me I need to have him call me before he drives them and if they go to some event he may have drank at, again before he drives them. It's a lot to keep up with but well worth it. Sad that my DD who is 14 is having to grow up so fast. It's not fair.
XXX
While I am sad for my DD's and all they have to go through, I am glad I am showing them this is a boundary for them, one they need not cross, ever. Their safety is #1...always.
One thing I will mention is that the responsibility this puts on the older children is tragic. She has a fear she will not realize one day he was drinking and that something will happen to her little sister. I make him call me before driving with them, I can normally tell if he has been drinking. It shows me I need to have him call me before he drives them and if they go to some event he may have drank at, again before he drives them. It's a lot to keep up with but well worth it. Sad that my DD who is 14 is having to grow up so fast. It's not fair.
XXX
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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I'm sorry Hopeful. Truly, this has been my biggest fear and one of the reasons that I've stayed. I have a friend who is in a similar situation and is in the process of divorcing her A. He showed up last week and dropped the girls(they have a 5 and 8 year old girls) off and she could tell he had been drinking. Alcoholism sucks.
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You are a great Mom and have taught your girls so well. Some kids would be scared to tell the truth because they wouldn't want to cause "friction." Great job DD14! Great job Mom!!
Ps. I am so envious about how over you are with him. I am still struggling to get there, ughhh.
Ps. I am so envious about how over you are with him. I am still struggling to get there, ughhh.
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LMN....It just shows me that I have been done w/him for a very very long time. It did not happen overnight, it just happened a long time ago. In college I had a roommate who was a dear friend. After living together things turned sour and to this day I really don't like her at all. It's sort of like that. While my marriage started with love, it turned very sour over time.
Lizatola...you are right. Alcoholism does suck, if you live with them or if you don't.
XXX
Lizatola...you are right. Alcoholism does suck, if you live with them or if you don't.
XXX
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
There are great devices that can be court ordered that make a beep and the A has 5 seconds to blow into a breathalyzer while it takes his pic and emails results to ??? Tamper proof and takes kids out of equation... Can set to every 4 hours if necessary
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