difficult times.

Old 04-27-2014, 08:23 AM
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difficult times.

Hello,

I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years. I have put up with his drinking, his laziness, his lies, his selfishness, etc. for far too long. 2 years ago, I told him that I wanted a separation. We worked things out and he convinced me to stay. But nothing changed. A couple of weeks ago, we had a minor argument. He got mad and went and filed for divorce. I'm crushed. I'm in shock. He's leaving me??? Seriously?? I don't want the marriage that we have had, but I don't want to be divorced either. I took my vows seriously, for better or worse. I've definitely had more years of "worse" I have sacrificed so much for this man. I have learned to lie to people, I have learned to live with disappointment, I have lost friends because I have been unable to keep appointments. Never knowing if or when he's coming home. I suppose I should be grateful.. I can finally be free from the emotional and verbal abuse. Part of me just wishes that he would have been strong enough to pick me and our daughter over alcohol. I feel so rejected. Like he tells me all the time, nothing I do is right. Now I feel like the world knows that nothing I have done was right. I'm sad for the loss of my future.I'm sad about my daughter's feelings. I just can't believe he wants to leave me. It just doesn't make any sense to me right now.

Any thoughts?
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Old 04-27-2014, 08:54 AM
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Originally Posted by jennyv View Post
It just doesn't make any sense to me right now.

Any thoughts?
It is Very Hard to try to make much of any sense of an Alcoholic.

Sooooooo . . . .

What do YOU really want?

Another 10 years? Another 20?

All your life, all your choice.
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:02 AM
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Hi,

I know you are hurting right now. I have been there.

His choices have nothing to do with you, they have to do with him and where he is in life right now. If he is an A, then he wants to be able to be an A without interference from you or anyone else. They love alcohol and their addictions above people or anything else.

Have you been to al anon or talked with a therapist?
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:02 AM
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I want to grow old with someone who loves me, who respects me and who wants to be with me. Not someone who abandons me to go get drunk 2-4 nights a week. He's kicking me out of the house in 90 days, he doesn't want to pay child support or alimony.. I'm broke and scared. And I'm hurt. I should have filed years ago, but didn't. Now he filed and I feel like I've been hit. Blindsided. Is it really the alcohol that has made him so selfish? Or is it really the 'real' him?
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:03 AM
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Hi jenny,

Welcome to SR. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but I hope you stick around. (((hugs)))

An alcoholic isn't thinking with a logical mind. Talking to a licensed addictions specialist may be useful. For the emotional/verbal abuse, the stickies at the top of this forum hold a lot of good information. I posted this because of my own experience with emotional abuse: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...emotional.html

Have you been to an Alanon meeting yet? There you'll find lots of in-person support from those others who understand what you've been going through. This is for us, for our own healing.

First step -- a call or visit to a women's shelter. If you can't get through on the national hotline, there are local resources also. They can help you find legal support. He has no right to throw you out of your home, especially with no support. He should be the one leaving. Find out what your legal rights are. What he "wants" has nothing to do with what he's required to do. Does he have a steady job?

When he is drunk and/or abusive, you have the right to call 911 for help. Even if he's passed out and you're worried.
((((hugs))))
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:04 AM
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Originally Posted by jennyv View Post
I want to grow old with someone who loves me, who respects me and who wants to be with me. Not someone who abandons me to go get drunk 2-4 nights a week. He's kicking me out of the house in 90 days, he doesn't want to pay child support or alimony.. I'm broke and scared. And I'm hurt. I should have filed years ago, but didn't. Now he filed and I feel like I've been hit. Blindsided. Is it really the alcohol that has made him so selfish? Or is it really the 'real' him?
With the callous way he is acting, does it matter right now if it is because of alcohol or the real him?

He is a jerk and doesn't meet the needs you have listed.
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:06 AM
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I have been to alanon, but not for a couple years. I started going to church and am working on my relationship with God. This gives me amazing strength. But the rejection from him is crushing..
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:08 AM
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umm... he can't do that hon. You have rights as his spouse, and that includes the marital home.

If he's filed, great. He can take on the expense. And you? You can respond to the divorce with your own demands.

You are in a good position now. You are his wife, and have been for 10 years. Legally you are entitled to a LOT. He is not in control here, I hope you know that.

The fact that he wants a divorce gives you a lot of power. Because you can delay what he wants, or outright ignore it.

L
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by jennyv View Post
I want to grow old with someone who loves me, who respects me and who wants to be with me. Not someone who abandons me . . . .
Well, I FULLY understand all that.

All I can say is, me, too.

But have sort of come aware that may not be where the path I have been on is leading to.

Maybe the same for you? Dunno.

If not, it may be time to check some other paths.

he doesn't want to pay child support or alimony..
we just call that a bum. Not so much just an A.


I'm broke and scared. And I'm hurt. I should have filed years ago, but didn't. Now he filed and I feel like I've been hit. Blindsided. Is it really the alcohol that has made him so selfish? Or is it really the 'real' him?
Sorry do not do the "real him" stuff. Can pull up the old car pictures, if that helps. For now, this is the "him" you have to deal with. And that is real enough.

Would not worry too much about who pulled a pen out and signed some paper first.

You know about Alanon? Where and When, and all that?
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by jennyv View Post
I have been to alanon, but not for a couple years. I started going to church and am working on my relationship with God. This gives me amazing strength. But the rejection from him is crushing..
Do you know the Promises?

You MAY just be experiencing them.

This one in particular . . . .

"We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Do you know the Promises?

You MAY just be experiencing them.

This one in particular . . . .

"We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
I agree with this. This man cannot be the man you want him to be. You almost pulled the trigger a few years ago because (I assume) you knew this. Just because he did it now, doesn't mean that you are negative or bad in any way. He is the misfit and societal "reject." Don't you think being rejected by the reject kind of makes you a "non-reject" (winner).
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Do you know the Promises?

You MAY just be experiencing them.

This one in particular . . . .

"We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."
This helps a lot. I stayed because I felt that this was where God put me, and there was something I needed to learn. I didn't feel like I was supposed to end this marriage. I realize now that it probably wasn't my place to end it, and I never had the strength to. Maybe I have suffered enough and done everything that I could to save my marriage, and this is my wide open door to go find happiness.
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Old 04-27-2014, 09:36 AM
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I just want to thank you all, so much, for your kindness and the time you have spent caring about me. It really means so much to me.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:25 AM
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Do you think in God's eyes he has abandoned you? A husband that doesn't take care of his family is worse off than a man with out faith. You did all you could, Do you really think you could be held responsible for his actions?
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Radiant View Post
Do you think in God's eyes has abandoned you? A husband that doesn't take care of his family is worse off than a man with out faith. You did all you could, Do you really think you could be held responsible for his actions?
I think he abandoned me a long time ago. He has no faith, and won't attend church with me. I ask him every week. Occasionally he says maybe, but when Sunday morning rolls around, henever goes. Alcohol stole my husband, wrecked my marriage. I'm angry! And I'm hurt that he doesn't even care.
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Old 04-27-2014, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by jennyv View Post
I think he abandoned me a long time ago. He has no faith, and won't attend church with me. I ask him every week. Occasionally he says maybe, but when Sunday morning rolls around, henever goes. Alcohol stole my husband, wrecked my marriage. I'm angry! And I'm hurt that he doesn't even care.
im so sorry jennyv- My AH knows how much I believe and for years he would use it against me. He would make sure to tell me I was disobeying if I wanted to leave etc etc. He manipulated me every which way possible with religion and it kept me miserable bc I was always trying to do my best.

Keep in mind it takes 61 days to go through once you do your part and if you need more time to make a decision wait. I learned not to do anything with out calmness. Could he be blowing smoke and wanting to hurt you?

It sounds like the ball is in your court.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Radiant View Post
im so sorry jennyv- My AH knows how much I believe and for years he would use it against me. he would make sure to tell me I was disobeying if I wanted to leave etc etc. He manipulaIated me every which way possible with religion and it kept me miserable bc I was always trying to do my best.

Keep in mind it takes 61 days to go through once you do your part and if you need more time to make a decision wait. I learned not to do anything with out calmness. Could he be blowing smoke and wanting to hurt you?

It sounds like the ball is in your court.
Oh, he uses my faith against me. For instance, last year I chose to be water baptized. I came home feeling awesome! When I told him about it, he said that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard of, that I was an idiot for thinking it would change anything in my life.

I'm positive that he's trying to hurt me.. he wants to control what I do, where I go. Sometimes he won't come home Saturday nights so that I have no way to go to church Sunday mornings. I don't want him back. Well, I want the guy I married back, but not the guy he is now.

He filed almost 4 weeks ago, and refuses to leave the house. It's making me crazy having him here. He took over our daughters bedroom, and she's sleeping with me every night. His attorney told him to quit drinking after an incident when he came home drunk, started yelling and swearing at me. He can quit for a month, he's done it before, but it never lasts.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:07 AM
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Have you talked to a lawyer yet about your rights? If you can't afford one, you can call your nearest women's shelter or resource center for help.

Here's a thread about documenting behavior. This can be very important for you and your daughter, especially as his disease progresses and if he ever fights for custody, whether it's out of wanting a relationship with his daughter at some point or if he decides to hurt you in that way.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cumenting.html
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:17 AM
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Thanks for the link. I have a private blog that I have kept for the past 4 years. It has a lot of stuff about nights he was out, weekends he was gone. I even put on my phone calendar his initials and the word "out" to have a record of how often he was gone.

He has the best divorce attorney in town, I have a friend who isn't charging me anything, but isn't very skilled.. AH is self-employed, doesn't work much and doesn't report all his income.
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Old 04-27-2014, 11:23 AM
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Who's name is the house in? Do you prefer to stay there and can you handle the payments? Being able to force the sale of the house and receiving your part of the proceeds could be an option.

The best thing about the women's centers is their experience in these matters. Ours has a group meeting each week, plus individual counseling available and legal resources.
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