PippiLngstockng

I can't imagine what the reality of an A's death is like for those who care about them. But I think about the possibility of xah mortally crashing some day. And maybe that is why I feel guilty all the time. People in our lives enable him and they are aghast and furious with me for having sent him curbside.

If something happened to xah and he died, which lots of folks seem very concerned about, it would be put on me, not his abusive behavior and addiction.

And I would look back and have to tell myself that I didn't kill him.

I am so sorry this happened. You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, nor cure him. It isn't your fault!!! But it must be so hard.

Take it one day at a time and surround yourself and your children with gentleness and care.

MesaMan

At Shrines in Japan, there are 'Walls' where Folks write out what they want to say to those who've departed this World and moved on. Carefully folded, Origami-style Notes sometimes number in the hundreds. It's a very moving sight. It's a way of gaining peace and letting go when there no longer is a chance to do so Face-to-Face.

At the 'Burning Man' Festival, Folks write out sometimes-long Notes. Many are apologies; others ask Loved Ones for forgiveness. At the end of the Festival, this temporary Wooden 'Shrine' is burned so that all those thoughts go Skyward.

Your Posts #1 and #6 here are very eloquent. Perhaps you could write out one last Note, and have it say exactly what you want. In some safe place, like a remote Campfire Ring, or even in your Backyard, sit in calm for as long as it takes. Light your Note and watch the Smoke rise to where your thoughts can be read one last time, and understood. It really can provide closure.

Perhaps this would gain you peace. All the best...

inpieces314

Thank you everyone.

I am not saying I would hide the fact that he was an alcoholic, and the kids already knew that anyway. I just want to tell them he loved them, he would be here if he could, etc. etc. The stuff that went on between us can stay there, the kids don't need to know the countless hours we argued about him never being here, etc.

I was going to write him a letter last night, but I think I passed out from all the exhaustion. I don't even know what to say. Nothing will make this better. I think I am going to go to a church and talk to a priest about this. It's Sunday, though, so I don't know if you can just walk in and talk to someone like that, I might have to wait until tomorrow.

I think I want to try to call his parents again. Now is not the time for this stupid s***, I want them to know that it is important to me that they take care of him, since I can't. I think it is so stupid, if I make the trip out there this summer, I won't even know where he is.

And then my neighbor told me it's his fault that his parents are acting like this toward me. If he hadn't lied about what was really going on out here, they would have known. And if they want to act like that, it's only going to hurt them (well, me now, but you know what I mean) because I have the kids, and if they want any kind of relationship with them they are going to have to talk to me.

Jeremy used to tell me his mom wanted pictures of us, and I told him that she needs to call me herself. His sister told me the same thing the other day, and I said she needs to call me herself. Then I called HER, and she still hasn't called back. I don't blame them for acting like this, because they really don't know, but if I was really all happy about him dying like his sister told them I don't think I would have reached out to them at all. They are probably just as devastated as I am, and maybe it's not as personal as I think. I just think since there is a time limit here, we need to bury this hatchet before they bury him.

I am friends with his twin brother on facebook, but I haven't been on his page, I can't look at the pictures because they look the same. I am afraid to call him because they sound the same, not that it matters because he lives with the parents, so I can't get ahold of him anyway. I am afraid that if I went to the funeral seeing him would kill me. I am worried about him. If I feel like I lost my heart, he must feel even worse, like he lost half of himself or something.

I am seriously going to die. I feel guilty, and I feel guilty for feeling guilty because I know he doesn't deserve it. But I love him. Period.

lillamy

And I can't blame you one bit for that. What was between you and him has nothing to do with them. That's what I admire, that you are in the middle of your pain able to put their needs, and what's good for them, first. That's why they will be OK. And you will, too. Even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry for your loss, Inpieces.

redatlanta

If going to the service is important to you then go. I would wait until it was filled and come in the back if you are afraid of confrontation. You should be able to find out in an obituary where he will be buried and where the service will be held.

Certainly his parents will want a relationship with their grandchild I hope - perhaps you will hear from them - I wouldn't' hesitate to contact the brother via Facebook message.

inpieces314

Thank you everyone.

I called his parents again, left a message again, and am still waiting for a response-again. If they don't contact me, I will make the trip out this summer, go to the funeral home, and talk to the director, who has been talking to me the whole time, to ask where he is. There is no obituary, either here or there, which I also think is wrong-I want to do one, but I have no idea how.

I got fired from my job several months ago, and I had been there for 7 years. When I posted about this on facebook, they suddenly came out of the woodwork to make sure I was okay, which was amazing to me, because I didn't think any of them cared. They also knew him too.

He worked at Food Lion. I went to the store he started at (not the one he works at now), because his best friend (well, he used to be, he dropped him when the drinking got too bad) was there. Then the store manager, who has known him forever, got into the conversation, and we were all sitting there reminiscing, telling crazy stories (which of course, all involved him being very drunk), and all that stuff. It helped.

I didn't tell the kids tonight. I think it is going to be very hard to answer questions when I don't even know how to get my own head around this.

I am going to call the funeral director tomorrow and ask if he wants some money, if they haven't paid for it all yet. They don't have to know it was from me, I can just send it to him directly. I heard they had to cash out their retirement funds for this, and they also had the added expense of flying him across the country. I think that would make me feel better, if I helped out in some way, even if they don't know about it.

I am also going to the MVA tomorrow to report his death. I now have a court order proving it. The reason why is because his sister is trying to get a new title to his jeep (I have it, but I told her I didn't so I could buy some time) so she can forge his name and transfer it to her name. He owes the MVA thousands of dollars in fines, and when the title gets transferred, the fines also get transferred, so she is trying to sell it out of state and buy it back in state to get around it. She has no license, no way to pay for it, nothing. So I told my parents, and they told me that I can't keep the jeep either, but I don't want it. I don't want ANYONE to have it. I want it destroyed. We live in a small town and there is no way in hell I am going to watch that thing driving around with someone else in it, have my kids see someone else in it, no way. And there is no way the sister is going to profit from his death. I will pay the people to tow it away where we never have to see it again. He would be so mad if he knew what she was doing behind his back, and this is something I have to set straight.

amy55

I wanted to express my deepest condolences to you, your family and his family.

I don't know what you are going through or how you should be dealing with things right now, so I can't offer any experience with that.

I was married twice. I had a daughter from my first marriage. I had already remarried, left second ex after over 25 years. My daughter who was then about 35 called me to tell me that she had seen here bio dads obit. He left when she was 1. Sent child support, or should I say I received child support only when his new gf sent it. She then saw him later on when she was 15. I knew she was going to see him, I just asked how it went. She told me that she saw my ex. She would not call him her dad.

So she has no further contact with him. 20 years later, she reads that he died about a month before. She calls me. She wanted to talk about him. (Well, I didn't have much good to say about him, but)....... I knew she needed closure, needed to let him go, needed to know that he loved her, even though for some reason, he didn't know how to show her. I talked to her about him. I talked about all of the good things that I had with him, the good times that I had with him, what a good person he was deep down inside. I talked about the boy that I had met and fell in love with. It was a good conversation. We were both crying, but we were crying over the person that he really was deep down in his soul, and my daughter thanked me for that. She just wanted to know that he was a good person. She ended the phone conversation, saying, I knew he had to be a good person deep down, or else you wouldn't have married him.

Again, I am sorry for your loss, and for your childrens loss.

Ann

Inpieces, I am sorry for the pain you are going through and for the loss of your child's father. These are painful times for you, and will be for your children too but in time I hope you can all find peace and remember the man he was before alcohol and drugs took over. Keeping you all in my prayers.

Hugs

hopeful4

I am so so sorry for your loss. How terrible that you are now also having to deal with their lack of communication. You may want to think about putting your $ towards a memorial here, that you can visit and the kids could visit. When my XAH's mom died, we had all these flowers, etc. One person had a service that came out and planted a tree in the yard with a little plaque beneath it. They also had the service come water the tree, fertilize it, etc. Now my kids and my XAH can look at that and think of her all the time. I thought it was a really neat thing to do.

You and your kids are in my heart and my prayers. My God hold you tight in his arms during this time.

XXX

inpieces314

We are going to do something, I want to buy a plot at the cemetery with a vault so we can put stuff in it. It's $1900, which really is not that bad, and he (although not really him) would be with my family.
When I went to the cemetery, the guy knew who I was when I told the story because my dad had already made an appointment to take care of it, and canceled when he found out his family was taking him. That's the kind of thing I am talking about. My parents were going to blow I don't know how many thousands of dollars on him, to make sure he was taken care of, and his family is ignoring me.
And in the end, does it really matter if I have a memorial or grave or whatever? We may think of him when we see it, but what does he think now? Does he know that we loved him or is he just going to be out there wherever they are, with a bunch of strangers who haven't seen him in a decade? It doesn't matter where his body is, it matters where his soul is, and how is he going to know where to go? Or even if he wants to be here at all? Does he care? Is he lonely? Is he happy?
I have millions of questions and no answers.

hopeful4

Unfortunately we all have these types of questions when we lose someone we love. You will have to come to peace that he is not hurting any longer. You did not cause this. You could not have controlled it. Some addicts don't have a bottom. I am so sorry, my heart just hurts so much for you.

I think you should do a memorial or whatever you would like to do for your own sake and that of your children. Somewhere you can visit and think about him when you are ready. His soul is free, there is nothing anyone can do about that. God calls us all when he is ready for us, no matter what anyone does that cannot be controlled by anyone or anything here on earth. What you can do and deserve is to take good care of you and to take good care of your children. Seek out grief counseling. Seek out a wide support system. Give yourself time to grieve.

We are here, holding your hand along this hard road.

FireSprite

What an overwhelming situation; I'm sorry for your loss and even more sorry that all this crap is getting in the way of your natural grieving process. ((((((HUGS)))))

littlesister1

Inpieces

So sorry. Of course he knows you love him.
He was just unable to deal with life w/out booze
I expect daily to hear the same about my brother
It keeps me up at night

lillamy

We all have different beliefs of what happens after death.

But here is what I believe:
I believe that on the other side of death, we see things clearly.
We see our missteps. We see the lies we've been telling ourselves. All that garbage falls away like a wet coat you take off when you step inside.

I do believe that on the other side of death, he will know that all you did, you did out of love. He will see and feel your love in a way the alcohol dulled and hid from him here.

That's what I believe. I could be wrong. But I'd like to believe that's how it works.

inpieces314

I called the funeral director again, the funeral was today and no one told me.

It's alright, it's really his fault since he lied, why I couldn't be there. The funeral director said he would show me where he is, when I make it there sometime this summer.

I also said I would help pay for it, because he needs it. I don't care if he was the worst man on the planet, he deserves respect now. So he is going to tell the parents when they see him on friday and hopefully they call me back.

It's hard because in my mind he's not even gone and there is no closure. I am lost without him. I just wish he knew how I feel.

I think I am going to write him a letter right now.

amy55

Just know that what you are feeling is normal. I do know that need for closure, and I think you are doing what you need to do for yourself to get it.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Rosiepetal

Thoughts are with you.
Hugs.

hopeful4

Just thinking about you today and wanted to let you know I am saying prayers for you and your children!

Tight Hugs!

XXX