Worried about being stuck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Worried about being stuck
I am probably beating a dead horse with yet another similar post, but I am still just trying to figure out my next steps.
I have been taking baby steps throughout this year that would allow me to leave my husband of 21 years, and I need to talk about the latest fork in the road, or obstacle. A heavy drinker for the duration of our marriage; with the last 2-3 years taking a toll on the family. He has never had a dui, nor been terribly obvious to the outside world. There has been a pattern of emotional abuse until it reaches a point where DD and I balk, and then he eases up. Both with the drinking and the behaviors. Right now, he has started one of his "good stretches", but I am just waiting to see what happens in a few weeks/months. My dilemma is that when friends or family ask me how things are, I am honest and tell them that things are "OK", or that it is peaceful because he has cut down on his drinking. Everyone is ecstatic and assuming that things are now back to normal...Time to move on...no more problems...and that I am going to act as if none of the drinking issues ever happened.
But...I don't feel that way. I still want out. I feel guilty for giving up, but I just don't want to do this anymore and I don't know how to go about telling him that I am through. Argh. I have set a self-imposed deadline to make my decision (about a month from now) due to financial matters, and I am really struggling.
Thanks for listening.
I have been taking baby steps throughout this year that would allow me to leave my husband of 21 years, and I need to talk about the latest fork in the road, or obstacle. A heavy drinker for the duration of our marriage; with the last 2-3 years taking a toll on the family. He has never had a dui, nor been terribly obvious to the outside world. There has been a pattern of emotional abuse until it reaches a point where DD and I balk, and then he eases up. Both with the drinking and the behaviors. Right now, he has started one of his "good stretches", but I am just waiting to see what happens in a few weeks/months. My dilemma is that when friends or family ask me how things are, I am honest and tell them that things are "OK", or that it is peaceful because he has cut down on his drinking. Everyone is ecstatic and assuming that things are now back to normal...Time to move on...no more problems...and that I am going to act as if none of the drinking issues ever happened.
But...I don't feel that way. I still want out. I feel guilty for giving up, but I just don't want to do this anymore and I don't know how to go about telling him that I am through. Argh. I have set a self-imposed deadline to make my decision (about a month from now) due to financial matters, and I am really struggling.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
From what I've gathered, it's more than the alcoholism. That's my husband's coping mechanism. Without it, and with him not yet in counseling, things are in some ways harder. We each have a long ways to go in our healing, and if I was on my own with our DS my healing would have been a lot quicker. Without active recovery, it never gets better. Alcoholism is a physical disease that is chronic and progressive.
It's okay to find your own way to heal, without all of those entrapments. Do you want another year of maybes and staying on the merry-go-round or have this coming year for you and your daughter together? What's the worse that would happen if you stay? What's the worse that would happen if you leave?
"What other people think of me is none of my business." 
They don't see the whole picture, and you have a skewed viewpoint of things being "OK". Can you talk to your husband about your concerns? Will he care and take action? Is he willing to grow, to get counseling, to find out about his addiction and abusiveness, to commit to and work on healing? OK in relation to how bad things are sometimes is a poor way to find our equilibrium.
Are you actively working your own recovery every day?
From One Day at a Time (Jan. 23 - I happened to turn to this today)
Learning the Al-Anon program in all its deep meanings, and applying it to my daily life is not a simple matter of going to a meeting now and then. Suppose I had decided to learn another language or study art or a science; I would have to work at it every day and practice the things I learned until they became part of me. A philosopher or an artist studies every day for years to perfect himself. How can I hope to perfect myself in the Al-Anon way of life without daily application?
Today's Reminder
Right now, I am reading something that will help me to grasp the Al-Anon philosophy. Right now, I will set myself up a program of reading the Al-Anon literature, which will help me to understand my problem and improve my outlook on life. Then I will be ready to solve my difficulties as they arise; then I will know when to stand aside and let them work themselves out.
“’Understanding is a wellspring of life to him that hath it.’ (Proverbs) I pray for the steadfastness to read, every day, something that will help me to gain understanding.”
Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery! Keep working it; it does work. Answers will come. Post as much as you like! Have you read back over your other threads? The things that first come to mind have been talked about there.
It's okay to find your own way to heal, without all of those entrapments. Do you want another year of maybes and staying on the merry-go-round or have this coming year for you and your daughter together? What's the worse that would happen if you stay? What's the worse that would happen if you leave?
Originally Posted by Yurt 
My dilemma is that when friends or family ask me how things are, I am honest and tell them that things are "OK", or that it is peaceful because he has cut down on his drinking. Everyone is ecstatic and assuming that things are now back to normal...
They don't see the whole picture, and you have a skewed viewpoint of things being "OK". Can you talk to your husband about your concerns? Will he care and take action? Is he willing to grow, to get counseling, to find out about his addiction and abusiveness, to commit to and work on healing? OK in relation to how bad things are sometimes is a poor way to find our equilibrium.
Are you actively working your own recovery every day?
From One Day at a Time (Jan. 23 - I happened to turn to this today)
Learning the Al-Anon program in all its deep meanings, and applying it to my daily life is not a simple matter of going to a meeting now and then. Suppose I had decided to learn another language or study art or a science; I would have to work at it every day and practice the things I learned until they became part of me. A philosopher or an artist studies every day for years to perfect himself. How can I hope to perfect myself in the Al-Anon way of life without daily application?
Today's Reminder
Right now, I am reading something that will help me to grasp the Al-Anon philosophy. Right now, I will set myself up a program of reading the Al-Anon literature, which will help me to understand my problem and improve my outlook on life. Then I will be ready to solve my difficulties as they arise; then I will know when to stand aside and let them work themselves out.
“’Understanding is a wellspring of life to him that hath it.’ (Proverbs) I pray for the steadfastness to read, every day, something that will help me to gain understanding.”
Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery! Keep working it; it does work. Answers will come. Post as much as you like! Have you read back over your other threads? The things that first come to mind have been talked about there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 42
Getting unstuck
Yurt, thank you for sharing.
What you describe is almost like a flashback for me. When I decided to leave my AH two years ago, the 'good stretches' were almost harder than the bad ones. They moved me out of crisis/action mode and into self-doubt and fear. The appearance of normality was crazy-making, especially when it felt as though no-one but me "really" knew what was going on (and I kept doubting my own instincts, feeling guilty, worrying about being unfair or selfish, etc.)
At the time, I asked this forum for help, and got many generous, supportive replies. One of them, from Pelican, I have never forgotten:
"This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
What if they get better......What if they get worse...... What if you gave them one more chance........
Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse if untreated. It does not get better, no matter how many chances we give them. My AXH's alcoholism progressed to fraud, loss of body functions, foreclosure, debt and more debt."
When you mention your AH "has not had a DUI" it sounds as if you wonder if he's really that bad - if maybe you should wait till things are so awful and unbearable that everyone, including the outside world, will instantly see and understand. I think that is a common fallacy among partners of alcoholics. I know I wondered too - my AH never had a DUI either; never hit me, never even got "roaring drunk."
But there came a point when I couldn't stand being miserable any more, or feeling completely alone even when he was right beside me. When I realised I didn't have to wait and see if things got worse.
Going to Al Anon helped a lot (though it took a few meetings before I connected with the format, and was able to open up to the help that was available). There were a lot of people in Al Anon who knew all about the "good stretches" as well as the bad.
Remember hundreds of us on the Sober Recovery board are with you in spirit, wishing you well. And remember, as Pelican said,
This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
What you describe is almost like a flashback for me. When I decided to leave my AH two years ago, the 'good stretches' were almost harder than the bad ones. They moved me out of crisis/action mode and into self-doubt and fear. The appearance of normality was crazy-making, especially when it felt as though no-one but me "really" knew what was going on (and I kept doubting my own instincts, feeling guilty, worrying about being unfair or selfish, etc.)
At the time, I asked this forum for help, and got many generous, supportive replies. One of them, from Pelican, I have never forgotten:
"This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
What if they get better......What if they get worse...... What if you gave them one more chance........
Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse if untreated. It does not get better, no matter how many chances we give them. My AXH's alcoholism progressed to fraud, loss of body functions, foreclosure, debt and more debt."
When you mention your AH "has not had a DUI" it sounds as if you wonder if he's really that bad - if maybe you should wait till things are so awful and unbearable that everyone, including the outside world, will instantly see and understand. I think that is a common fallacy among partners of alcoholics. I know I wondered too - my AH never had a DUI either; never hit me, never even got "roaring drunk."
But there came a point when I couldn't stand being miserable any more, or feeling completely alone even when he was right beside me. When I realised I didn't have to wait and see if things got worse.
Going to Al Anon helped a lot (though it took a few meetings before I connected with the format, and was able to open up to the help that was available). There were a lot of people in Al Anon who knew all about the "good stretches" as well as the bad.
Remember hundreds of us on the Sober Recovery board are with you in spirit, wishing you well. And remember, as Pelican said,
This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Astolfo
This is your life too.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
Your life matters.
Your happiness is important.
Yurt, this is for you and yet it's for all of us. I needed to hear these things today. Thank you so much for posting a new thread!!
Whether you stay or go is fully up to you. Keep working your recovery and trust in your instincts. You are capable of making good decisions for yourself.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
You know, 21 years is a long time to ride that roller coaster.
I am 26. That's like, my whole life, and I cannot imagine it.
In my situation, I stopped telling my family about us breaking up/getting back together during the good and bad periods. I was embarrassed. Like, how many times do you keep going back to someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over?
And the worst part is, he will forget the bad things that he has done to you, but you never will. And the next time it happens (if it does, it may not), you will feel even worse.
If you are done, you are done. In general, alcoholism or not, if you don't want to continue a relationship, you need to end it, for both of your sakes. And you never know, telling him you want to end it may be what he needs to straighten himself up.
I am 26. That's like, my whole life, and I cannot imagine it.
In my situation, I stopped telling my family about us breaking up/getting back together during the good and bad periods. I was embarrassed. Like, how many times do you keep going back to someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over?
And the worst part is, he will forget the bad things that he has done to you, but you never will. And the next time it happens (if it does, it may not), you will feel even worse.
If you are done, you are done. In general, alcoholism or not, if you don't want to continue a relationship, you need to end it, for both of your sakes. And you never know, telling him you want to end it may be what he needs to straighten himself up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hi Yurt, I was in your shoes 3 years ago. I was hanging in there because it wasn't horrible and because we had kids and we'd been together 20 years. One day I talked to my mom, who has been married 50 years, and told her I was 'hanging in there.' She surprised me by telling me not to waste one more week of my life in this way. That life was too short to keep squandering it 'existing' with an alcoholic in the picture.
I will never forget that, and I will always be grateful to my mom who was honestly the least likely person to give me such a kick in the pants.
Life is short. Living with alcoholism sucks all the life and light out of us. My road has been rough in the 3 years since I asked my husband to leave, but I am glad I finally got up the courage to say "enough."
I will never forget that, and I will always be grateful to my mom who was honestly the least likely person to give me such a kick in the pants.
Life is short. Living with alcoholism sucks all the life and light out of us. My road has been rough in the 3 years since I asked my husband to leave, but I am glad I finally got up the courage to say "enough."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Thank you for posting this.
I am in your shoes right now! I am putting together puzzle pieces to leave my ABF. Lately I started to wonder of maybe I'm being over dramatic, since lately he has only been drinking beer. Then he came home tonight with a bottle of whiskey almost gone.
Then I remembered. It's a cycle. And we can't doubt ourselves. This isn't something that will go away, especially if they aren't attempting recovery. We can't make them either. But we can attempt our own recovery, and our own happiness.
Don't doubt yourself, you deserve to [I]know[I] that you will be happy tomorrow.
I am in your shoes right now! I am putting together puzzle pieces to leave my ABF. Lately I started to wonder of maybe I'm being over dramatic, since lately he has only been drinking beer. Then he came home tonight with a bottle of whiskey almost gone.
Then I remembered. It's a cycle. And we can't doubt ourselves. This isn't something that will go away, especially if they aren't attempting recovery. We can't make them either. But we can attempt our own recovery, and our own happiness.
Don't doubt yourself, you deserve to [I]know[I] that you will be happy tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by Astolfo
But there came a point when I couldn't stand being miserable any more, or feeling completely alone even when he was right beside me. When I realised I didn't have to wait and see if things got worse.
.
.
I stood there and thought, "I am so screwed."
The next morning I gave my husband an ultimatum regarding our marriage, and a week later I asked him to leave. I had come to that point where you are just DONE with the crazy.
Three years on, it's tough but it's liberating, too. Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Thank you e everyone for the supportive responses. I can do this!
Hammer, not been thinking about the steps much, but I pulled out the books to start reading again tonight.
Astolflo, this was exactly what I needed. Thank you!
Hammer, not been thinking about the steps much, but I pulled out the books to start reading again tonight.
Astolflo, this was exactly what I needed. Thank you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Two things to add
One...
This image was floating around FB, and I thought I would share...
Two....
Finally had a discussion tonight about Ah's drinking and subsequent "cutting down." He stated that he feels so much better these past weeks and attributed it to not drinking as much. I told him that I was glad that he felt better and that I hoped he would continue to not drink as much as he has in the past. I also told him that I attributed many of his poor behaviors to heavy drinking, and he told me that he agreed 100%. That it was all due to drinking.
Now, I remember several times that he was not drinking and still acted like an a-hole, but I said nothing about that. I just feel a bit like I am being played right now. Not that he intends to start drinking as much when I stop acting detached, but that he is telling me what he knows that I want to hear.
I will continue to remember that this is my life,
my life matters, and
my happiness is important.
Already emailed it to all of my accounts and I plan to print it out and plaster it to my mirrors and walls if necessary!
This image was floating around FB, and I thought I would share...
Two....
Finally had a discussion tonight about Ah's drinking and subsequent "cutting down." He stated that he feels so much better these past weeks and attributed it to not drinking as much. I told him that I was glad that he felt better and that I hoped he would continue to not drink as much as he has in the past. I also told him that I attributed many of his poor behaviors to heavy drinking, and he told me that he agreed 100%. That it was all due to drinking.
Now, I remember several times that he was not drinking and still acted like an a-hole, but I said nothing about that. I just feel a bit like I am being played right now. Not that he intends to start drinking as much when I stop acting detached, but that he is telling me what he knows that I want to hear.
I will continue to remember that this is my life,
my life matters, and
my happiness is important.
Already emailed it to all of my accounts and I plan to print it out and plaster it to my mirrors and walls if necessary!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Yurt
Hammer, not been thinking about the steps much,
but I pulled out the books to start reading again tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Yurt, he can "stop" drinking theoretically, but he will probably continue acting like an a-hole (dry drunk) unless he embraces recovery and starts working on himself. Do you think that he is going to do this for himself? If you do not think he will, keep working on your exit strategy because these periods of his niceness are nothing but a codependent honeymoon. These come in cycles. Trust me, I know. It is just a waste of life. Even tiny little baby steps will take you somewhere.
I've been observing my husband and am absolutely heartbroken these days seeing his struggle and attempts to "cut down," which is physically i m p o s s i b l e. He is trying so hard to be nice and to please and I now find that it would be so incredibly cruel to leave him, but I must be ready for that day. He may have the best intentions ever, but he does not have any control over his drinking. Watching him and listening to his logic and his denial are absolutely devastating.
I've been observing my husband and am absolutely heartbroken these days seeing his struggle and attempts to "cut down," which is physically i m p o s s i b l e. He is trying so hard to be nice and to please and I now find that it would be so incredibly cruel to leave him, but I must be ready for that day. He may have the best intentions ever, but he does not have any control over his drinking. Watching him and listening to his logic and his denial are absolutely devastating.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Oh, Yurt, I am right where you are. 19 years of marriage, feeling stuck, wondering when I'm going to have the courage to leave or make a SUPER big change beyond the recovery work I'm currently doing.
I don't know where in AZ you live, but it would be fun for us to meet sometime. Oh, wait, I think you're up in the NW area? I'm down in Phoenix. Anyhoo, I have nothing wonderful to say, except to say that you're not alone. HUGS!
I don't know where in AZ you live, but it would be fun for us to meet sometime. Oh, wait, I think you're up in the NW area? I'm down in Phoenix. Anyhoo, I have nothing wonderful to say, except to say that you're not alone. HUGS!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Lizatola,
If I am ever in the Phoenix area without AH, we will have to meet and have coffee. My daughter is considering attending ASU, so there might me more trips in the future. If you manage to get up to the Kingman area (not much of a draw, though), let me know.
If I am ever in the Phoenix area without AH, we will have to meet and have coffee. My daughter is considering attending ASU, so there might me more trips in the future. If you manage to get up to the Kingman area (not much of a draw, though), let me know.
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