A Little Plucky - Fear & Communication
 

When I ran the half marathon, I really could not see far ahead. I realized my eyes are aging and I am missing out by having things in the distance blurry. I have not had the best of luck with prescription sunglasses. :glassesI have always been grossed out by contacts. But I realized that this was likely my best bet to be out and about and able to see!

Well the other reason is I want to see some eye candy. :lmao

So I marched myself in and got contacts yesterday. It was awesome! It was easy. I poked my eye and laughed like crazy with the tech trying to instruct me on how to put them in and take them out. I was only supposed to wear them 2 hours but I was at work and it was wonderful. It messing with my glasses so I wore them all day.

When I got home I proudly proclaimed my accomplishment. RAH started in on me that it was a bad idea, blah blah blah. I told him I had been thinking about it for a long time and I think the technology and me are at a good point for me to be a successful contact lens wearer. I shut him down and merrily went on my way admiring leaves on the trees while walking the dog! I had a little freak out taking them out because the Codie part of me wanted to believe RAH was right, but I took a breath and dug those contacts out of my eyes! So that fear of messing with my eyeballs is CONQUERED. Can't wait to put them in for my Saturday snail run!

Once again RAH triggered at dinner table too. Contact lens judgement was just the preamble I guess. He next launched into my shoes. How they are all over the place on the closet floor. Yeah they are. I am wearing orthotics and my shoe options for work have me stuck with the same few pair. Also I am wearing crocs or something equally squishy around the house. I try to round them all up and I steadily keep moving them back to the closet. But it has been a cold spring so I am jumping between heavy shoes and slowly digging out my sandals.... The shoes are in transition! I don't own a ton of shoes, but my storage area is small. So at first I took it lightly but he would not let up. Finally I looked at him and said, "Enough. If you keep harping on me I am going to get angry with you.At least they are in the closet". Turns out he rounded up 3 pair of my shoes and threw them in the closet, so he made some of the mess himself! Huh. I think I need to cut him off more often. Because I could FEEL my anger in check. It was there!:doug

So my act of service today will be straightening out my shoe storage area.

Also read on APA.org today about anger that those who harp/criticize have not learned how to constructively handle their anger. Funny once again me and RAH have the SAME problem expressed at the two opposing poles.

Is he that bossy all the time?

dandylion

Yes I think so. I get confused that my reality is misinterpreted but I am pretty sure he is a controlling scared little man. Meanwhile my confidence and capabilities have grown dealing with his A and stepping out more independently.

Just wish my solo budget would be black instead of red...

Working the steps is like wearing contacts! I can see detail! Ha ha!

Sounds similar to my AH. Don't they know how easy it could be?

"Babe, your shoes are all over."
"Oh? That bugging you?"
"Yeah, kinda."

Then she cleans up the shoes and WE'RE DONE NOW.

CodeJob---hey, there are lots of activities that don't cost anything--or very little. It is just a matter of seeking them out..... When I was a single parent of three (after divorce), I learned to find every kind of free activity that I could do with the kids. We had so many unexpected adventures, that way!

Good for you on standing up for yourself. To me..he sounds very passive-aggressive. Difficult to deal with--because it is so damned indirect.

I think you are going to love your "solo hours" very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Code, this thread makes me so HAPPY. Congrats on taking care of you like this!! :c011:

dandylion, thanks for adding a normal perspective in. Many of us don't have that and it's wonderful to hear.

CodeJob, I have a funny story about this immaturity and the alcoholic(well, my alcoholic) and shoes.

We have pine hardwood floors in the family room and kitchen area, the rest of the house are darker harder polished wood floors that don't scuff and mark as badly as the pine does. I have been struggling to find a way to clean the scuff marks off the pine without damaging the wood for years. AH knows this as he has watched me on hand and knees gently working on this floor(which I honestly hate despite it's beauty) for hours.

One day he was wearing white walled and white soled Vans and I noticed they were marking up the floors pretty badly, probably because they were new. I tested the sole of the shoe on the floor and then tested my son's Vans, which only had a white side wall but a gray sole. I found that AH's shoes were marking the floor every time they touched the pine it seemed. So, I gently pointed out to AH that his shoes were marking the floors and asked him if he could refrain from wearing them in the family room and just wear them in the rest of the house until the soles got dirty enough that they wouldn't mark the floor. First off he blamed my son and pointed out the side walls. I then pointed out that the sidewalls don't really touch the floor unless you walk like a bowlegged cowboy and even then I'd have hard time believing this. So, he took his shoes and put them in the Goodwill pile in the garage. I saw them there the next day and decided to rescue the shoes and put them in our son's closet since they were brand new and then my son could wear them when his feet grew a size. I took the rest of the pile to Goodwill. AH then says later that day, "Did you take my shoes to Goodwill, I see the donation pile is gone. I was going to wear them and they were brand new and and and...." Oi vey! So, I went and got the shoes and told him that I thought he actually wanted to give them away but I didn't see the point in giving away brand new shoes.

That night, he comes out of his office and struts around the family room in those damn shoes. Can you say passive aggressive??? I let him win that battle, I now just deal with my scuffed up floors and figure that someday I will get them professionally cleaned and refinished...someday....sigh. Al Anon has taught me to ask, "How important is it?"

Good for you, CodeJob! I'm glad you're liking your new contacts and I hope they make your next run more enjoyable. :)

So why is it not so?

Update:

I mulled over this as I straightened out my shoes yesterday. I nixed 4 pairs into the Goodwill pile. I have 4 pair of FMPs that get no wear whatsoever so I guess I should make him store those in his space! :lmao I also worked on Step 4 resentments yesterday. RAH running around all day with errands and chores. He cannot sit still. Right now he is cleaning! It is driving me nuts to have him compulsively cleaning all the time even though I benefit!

Meanwhile I went running and did some Step 4 resentment work. Big mental step work this whole week between meetings, counseling, reflection and meditation. Trying to be patient and journal a bit everyday there. Oddly my resentments aren't as numerous as I thought. Many people I have written down, started writing about the past, and realize I have already worked it out and have no resentment any longer! Bonus answer! On to the next resentment! I forget and forgive more than I initially thought! This was pretty evident with employers and many relatives yesterday. There's some big relationships to tackle yet. And fears still loom with no real grasp of why why why. My new sponsor and I have not even met up yet to talk about where I am and how she likes to model sponsorship! That is going to open up a new level of learning.

I talked with DS yesterday about shoe drama. It was not lost on him that I did clean up my shoes. He said, "I think it is a love thing for Dad to be critical like that." Maybe. I asked him if he felt I spent enough time with him and gave him enough space as he gets older. He said we were Good. Then I asked the same thing about his relationship with his dad. He said it was fine. I think he accepts RAHs emotional withdrawal better than I do and I am saddened and jealous of this acceptance. "fine" sure holds a world of meaning from a kid on the cusp of 13.

I drove/walked through the neighborhood and there are a few more houses for rent and sale. If I leave will that decimate the father-son relationship? Is that my responsibility? What timeline do I consider - end of step 9 which I am loosely seeing as one more year, end of high school (5yrs)? My soul feels heavy with the 5 years. Mr. T warned staying unhappy has an effect on kids too. I agree, particularly after shoe debacle. I am not unhappy but I am on meds and don't dare taper. Maybe I need to talk about emotional withdrawal and ask for counseling one last time. Is an emotional reconnection even enough for me at this point? When do I accept that done is done? I seriously cook much like I mess with the flow in my life - things are under baked or over cooked. I just don't hit that done spot!

So RAH thanked me for cleaning up my shoes. :whoop

Son's relationship is between them, not you. If you leave and that decreases, it is on dad not you. You do not control everything!

T is right about unhappiness/depression of parents affecting kids.

What are all the reasons holding you back?

CodeJob, it's easier for kids to accept things. My son is much more accepting of my AH than I am. I understand your jealousy but remind yourself that your relationship with your AH is so very different than a parent/child relationship. I, too, have a younger teen and I worry about him and his relationship with his father. I often tell him that I'm here for him, that AlaTeen is here for him, etc. He has asked me to get the AlaTeen readers for him so that he can understand more.

I am in the same position as you. Sending you lots of hugs and support today!

Thanks everyone. I am not having a very good day with RAH.

Hugs! Saying a quick prayer that things get better later. Can you do something for yourself today? Even if it's just sitting in a coffee shop for an hour? Sometimes I just need to get out and do something, anything, to give myself a chance to breathe.

Did you know that my detachment of RAHs drinking was deemed as implicit consent? Did you know I forced H into rehab last year? I betrayed him when I kicked him out of house. Did you know he was not ready to go to rehab? Did you know his drinking did not impact me and Al Anon is messing me up? Did you know his drinking was all job related?

So he has placed all of his resentments on my front stoop. No wonder why I get no loving at home. He used love in the past tense in reference to me. Then he walked away bc he was done talking.

I do not listen. That has some truth.

We are going to run through family budget. So we both will know where $ going to lessen arguments over it. We agree groceries are expensive.

He could not look at me when I corrected his revisionist history. I guess I am going to sleep on this discussion.

:c029:

That sounds so very familiar from somewhere in these past 30 days of the sober/relapse merry-go-round. Almost word-for-word. For a while I didn't think he loved me anymore, and he probably thought the same thing. We're in a much better place now, but navigating without alcohol is tough!! I don't want it back, but I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. :grouphug:

Do you have a crock pot? It's my secret weapon lately. It lets me walk away from the house early in the day and I can come back to smell of dinner ready. :)

What are you getting from this relationship? How are you benefitting?

I am really disappointed in RAH. I had hoped and prayed he would really change but it clearly has not happened. I cannot force it. My parents are coming into town this weekend for Ds's bday. I will have some time alone with them. I will frankly discuss where things stand. They might help me see what is really going on.

My reality here has been ruled by H so long that I am unclear at times what is real. I had no idea how much he was blaming me for his problems. I now see he has laid many problems on my shoulders and although some I refused to "take" in his mind I think they stayed with me. A few times I have had a glimmer that I created an image of who I thought my H was and one source of our relationship issues is he would fail that image. I played a role here and maybe the most mature thing is to just walk away.

Not sure on the timing. I still feel like I would like to get to step 9. I would like to make my amends to him and free each other.

So it's Monday. Another day unfolds.

Well I must say that it is nice to have a sponsor. We talked for quite awhile yEsterday and she got me refocused. I am seriously blessed that my HP delivered me a sponsor who is a counselor! I had some concerns about the lay role of sponsorship and HP sent me one with the qualifications! :tyou

My focus is going to be DS's bday. Keep him as the focus so he has a good week. I've done that myself over the years and it helps. We also talked about my transference mess with Mr. T. So I will probably call that on the table at my next session and either deal with it or work on finding a new counselor. Since I want to save emotionally withdrawn men, it would seem if he has any skill he might help me work through this and learn to STOP. I still feel like I have made tremendous strides having a male counselor. I need validation from a male source as perhaps I am just lacking there. But just because I get some validation does not mean I have to sleep with them or save them! I can just say thank you.

Why do I have a crush on Mr. Brilliant? Because he validated me. He is a good person and he validates everyone. I need to learn to validate myself. Why did I fall for RAH - validation and we "fit".

As for my parents, I am not going to talk to them about how each day I waiver about leaving. Because they would easily tip my life into a project where they control me with money. I might just tell them I am safe and I am working on me. That gives RAH time but he might not grow any further. I am reset on getting to Step 9. This resets the focus of their visit on DS. Which should be their primary role - grandparents!

My sponsor is I think pleased with where I am and the connections I am making. I have done some tremendous work. It sounds like we are just going to start on Step 4 and use the process I have started.

Today the meditation series was about radiating peace and security. It totally hit me that indeed as a parent that is critical. I am the core security for my DS and RAH. So no sudden decisions. I have a responsibility to get my head entirely together before rocking anyone else's existence. RAH is still stuck with family of origin issues and who knows what else. I have untangled a few realizations. My glow at work people have commented on is this balancing that is happening for me. In many ways I am grounding as I reveal and discover many things in Step 4. Being INFP I will be able to help others by radiating my energy and I will learn how to do it without exhausting myself.

One recollection I had was his sister that he is closest to admitted to me that I am the closest he has ever been to anyone. My RAH is an introverted emotionally withdrawn person. I can't expect him to transform into some in tune metrosexual. I am his touchstone with reality. He did admit to me on Sunday that he loved me more than anyone in the world. I am his one connection. So I need to treat that with care. I need to radiate peace and security for him and DS.

I need to slow done and just get through each day instead of planning out my life.