Do you tell a spouse about his spouse being shady?
 

I just found something out about my stepmother. I do not know if I should tell my dad. He has heart problems and we have a tense relationship.

A family friend called to tell me my stepmother has changed her facebook page to say that she is working for a real estate company in another state (the city where her sister lives. she is not working there. she lives 5 hours away.) she also changed her status from married to "blank." She has been traveling a lot without my father the last year or so. before his heart issues 3 years ago, they were fighting and on the verge of a divorce. she hates dogs and he recently got a dog. all together this is very suspicious. she spoke to me about another man being interested in her (yeah right) about 3 years ago.

If we were closer I would call him in a heartbeat to ask what is up. I did email him two months ago about an ex-girlfriend who moved back to town (she owes him a lot of money. cheated on him and never paid him back.) he never replied to me about the ex-g but he did discuss it with a family friend, so I think it was good i told him. no surprises at the grocery.

this is a small city in the south where everyone knows everything and i am not sure what to do. I would want to know things like that. BUT, she and I do NOT get along. I don't want it to seem like i am an instigator.

I wouldn't. If he didn't even reply back to you on the girlfriend info then why would you even want to do him this little "favor"? BUT... I would probably shoot HER an email saying "what others are saying she's up to" and she might want to be a little more discrete unless it's out in the open with your dad (tee hee!)

He may already know.

If you feel like spending time with either of them to see how they're doing, then do that. Not to interfere. Just to spend time with them. Look beyond the surface problems and see them as people who mean something to you, if they do.

"Hi Dad, how about lunch together? I'll bring something over." Or pop in like you were in the area to give him a hug and say hello.

Would it accomplish anything at all to tell him what you know? There's something in Alanon about not getting in the way of the chaos created by others.

If its a small city in the south where everybody knows everything, then your dad knows. Stay out of the crossfire.

I do not like her, and she does not like me. No love lost there.

He lives 4 hours from me, so if I see him, it would be pre-planned. I would only do that if she isn't there. She doesn't like me to be alone with him. Worried I might tell him something like this... So, I stay away. We have a tough relationship, but she has made it increasingly difficult and says bad things about me.

I don't know what it would accomplish. I feel tremendous guilt knowing this stuff. He is very churchy, so I would be surprised if he knew and allowed it. She married him for money and stays for money/lifestyle, so I don't know what she is thinking other than he is mean and his health is worsening, but he is not dead yet, so better start looking for a new man now.

I am truly disgusted by this woman.

Who puts up with something like that?

What kind of psycho does that to begin with!!!?

You know, my first instinct was STAY OUT OF IT.

But if it was my father, and I was suspecting he might have the wool pulled over his eyes, it would be hard to not at least check on him. I might give him a call some time when she's not home and just ask if everything's OK. If she's keeping the two of you under surveillance when you visit, I think that's enough reason to be suspicious that maybe she is not treating him well. She may be reading his e-mails as well. I won't bore you with details but I have seen stranger things happen with a marriage like the one you describe your father's as...

Ouch tough call.

I still believe it's best to my mind own business where other adults are concerned.
I did appreciate it if someone told me when my kids were up to something and I in turn would tell my friends about their kids.

Perhaps call the pastor at his church and ask him to talk with your dad? Would sending cards or letters be helpful for you to keep in touch with him, or do you think she'd keep those away from him? :(

Would eldercare services might be of use? If he's not being abused and chooses to live this way is one thing, but we often don't see what else is going on.

His ex-girlfriend cheated on him for years and he never knew. I caught her with one of her suitors and told my dad when I was a teen. He busted her and later found out about the string of others she cheated with. He is very naive about women.
when my dad was sick, her main concern was that he paid off the house before he died. she even told me that was his #1 priority and his estate needed to if he died at the hospital.

I don't know what to do, but I feel sick to my stomach about it.

I really don't think he knows.

Why won't he have a relationship with you? If it's upsetting you this much, then call him when she's not around.

In that case, I really would encourage you to pick up the phone and call his pastor. Turn this over to someone else who is in a position to deal with him. You didn't Cause this, you can Control it and you can't Cure it. (((hugs)))

Do you know what church he goes to?

It's TERRIBLE that you were caught in the cross fire as a teenager. I'm so sorry. This isn't your mess to fix, but how you feel is very understandable. If you're up to making the phone call and it'll make you feel better, then go ahead. If it enmeshes you in it and it'd be healthier for you to stay out of it... then turn it over to others to help your dad.

I wouldn't say anything. It's just a facebook page. And it sounds like their relationship is already rocky/ending. I think you'd just be creating drama. (someone once told me: "No good EVER comes from facebook!").

I really don't know.

My instinct is to say these are grown adults, responsible for their own lives, decision & mistakes. That throwing yourself into the middle (even in a small way) is sure to lead to nothing but trouble for you.... even if you had a strong, close relationship with them many people don't accept this kind of "interference" well. Whether he knows or not it may be humiliating to hear from someone else before he is ready.

What I would be willing to do is to play dumb. Just call & BS & point blank ask how things are going, if there's anything he wants to talk about in his life. (Ok, I might phrase my questions a certain way... "I know she doesn't care for dogs, how is she handling your new addition?" )

If he takes the olive branch, great. If not, you tried but can't force him to open up if he doesn't want to. It may not resolve things, but at least I could go about my business knowing I did what I could within the limits of my control to reach out in support of him, kwim?

stay out of other people's affairs. right now all you have is gossip and hearsay, and stuff on FB. who wants to get tangled up in that? starts to sound like high school. don't let your own feelings for this woman give you "permission" to seize up on this dirt just to get even.

your dad may be naive, but he is a grown man conducting his own life. live and let live.

I wouldn't say a word.

What you have is very, very circumstantial "evidence". Easily explained away - very quick to change back to the way it was.

In truth you know nothing more than she travels a lot and changed her FB. He already knows she travels a lot.

So either spend your time trying to find out if she is up to no good (not advised) and give solid evidence or say nothing.

I lean toward believing he is well aware the marriage sucks already.

sure
 

I would be very disappointed in you
if
you did not tell me

sure
most all things we should just keep to ourselves (most things)
but
I think this to fall into a special category

MM

I would call that Facebook page a little more than that


just another reason why I don't do Facebook
so much drama there !

MM

I wouldn't. Its not even your mother. He chooses to be with her, and their arrangement is between them.

You NEVER know what goes on between two people privately. NEVER.

As much as you might think you know, if everyones private lives were suddenly made public, it would amaze and shock all of us.

Its not your place to get involved. If he asks your opinion, I'd tell him. Until then, MYOB.

So if I read it on the internet or Facebook, I am supposed to accept it as the absolute truth?

I have a friend who changes her status quite often, and sometimes the things she posts are kind of out there, but it makes for interesting conversation. I have accepted that she is a bit of an attention seeker. She likes to shock others. FB = EGO, look at me, me, me, look what I. I, I just did......

have to agree with Anvil, this is one of the MYOB situations.

You can continue to keep a watchful, caring eye on your dad without butting in.