Do you tell a spouse about his spouse being shady?

Old 04-24-2014, 07:43 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thank you, everyone. I will hold off saying anything. Too conflicted and most folks think its a bad idea. In my life I would want to know, but he is not me. BF thinks he would shoot the messenger and message would be lost. he isn't computer savvy, so he won't see it and she could change it quickly if confronted. they are toxic and i should continue to keep my distance. i wish i could help him, but he is comfortable in his denial and never listens to me anyway.
MissFixit is offline  
Old 04-24-2014, 08:25 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
i wish i could help him, but he is comfortable in his denial and never listens to me anyway.
I have a relative like this with different issues. It's easy to want to jump from my own problems to those of someone else -- especially people I love. The lesson I'm learning in letting others handle their own problems has been good for me. It's hard to see them suffer, but when they don't want help nothing is going to change that.
Mango blast is offline  
Old 04-24-2014, 08:52 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
OnawaMiniya's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
I'm sorry you find yourself in circumstances that trouble your heart.

I hope that you find peace with whatever you decide to do and that the outcome is the best and healthiest for all involved.

That is a tough one.

I would certainly want to know if it were me.

Given things you have said such as him never listening to you, him living in denial, etc., I would have to wonder what good could come from telling him...but like you, it would still weigh heavily on my heart. He's your Dad, after all, no matter what!

Again, I am sorry for these circumstances. My best wishes for him and you both, for peace and happiness.

Peace.

ETA: meant to mention that I agree with redatlanta as far as evidence being circumstantial...and that people can easily talk their way out of circumstantial evidence, especially if their partner prefers the comfort of denial.
OnawaMiniya is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 05:31 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
readerbaby71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
If he doesn't listen to you and you don't have a good relationship, there's really no point in telling him anything. Getting involved in other people's relationships is always a bad idea. I'm sorry.
readerbaby71 is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 06:36 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Just since you are asking Points of View.

I would. Tell him, I mean.

But different strokes for different folks.
Hammer is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 06:53 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
IMHO I wouldn't tell him but I certainly would pray that God would expose the truth to him.
fedup3 is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 07:07 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
I don't know if anyone else has raised this - but what about the family friend? I think by telling you she's absolved herself of the responsibility. Just a side thought....but hey, it's a small town.

You can screenshot her Facebook page before you raise the issue and show your father what it actually looked like if you are scared she may change it. Personally, I'd be talking to her directly and keep your father out of it. You can always frame it in a good light, tell her people are telling you about it and you want to check she's ok. Give her the knowledge that you wanted to talk to her about it as a courtesy as you'd hate to interfere in their marriage, but wanted to let her know people are talking.

When all is said and done, it is just Facebook. She could have changed the job or work location to protect herself from something else completely unrelated.

Just ask her!
Croissant is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 07:13 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I would go to visit and while you are there get a feel for the atmosphere.
that's just me but I would pull up your evil step witches page while visiting and ask her about it over dinner, hoping she would choke on her chicken. =^..^= meow
Fandy is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 07:20 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
MissFixit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I have thought about our family friend telling me. I think she turned it over to me to "do" something. I am mulling over turning it back to her to "say" something.
MissFixit is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 08:50 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
To each his own, as Hammer said.
I would tell in a way that would come across as concern.
Dad? Are you and _____ alright?
Ok, I was concerned as she changed her fb page from married to blank.

It could bring the two of you closer.

However! You know your relationship with your dad better than anybody, and your gut probably told you from the get-go what to do here.

As for her-she's a grown woman that should know better than to put out there publicly such a change and not expect questions. It's fb for gosh sakes.
BlueSkies1 is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 08:59 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
what works for me.....

I would not interfere under the circumstances you describe. there was a time I would have went all out and got to the root of it all. not now.

who am I to think I know the answers?

who am I to believe that I have the right solutions?

why do I think it is my duty?

these are some of the questions I ask myself when trying to decide if it is best to get involved.

usually, people already know what they need to know in their personal situations. they have already made their decision by staying in the relationship.

it's when they ask for my help that I try to do what I can.
embraced2000 is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 05:32 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
I have thought about our family friend telling me. I think she turned it over to me to "do" something. I am mulling over turning it back to her to "say" something.
Agree. I don't like that she told you.
Croissant is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 06:33 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
SeriousKarma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
I think it's perfectly natural for a daughter to want to know the marital status of her parents.

He's you're father. He's family. There's a difference between telling him how to live his life and asking him if he's still married or not. (Or in the process of ending a marriage, as the case may be.)

"Dad, Lovely weather. I heard some rumors. Just want to check and see if it's true. How's about them Braves?" Quick and to the point. Like pulling a bandaid off. Trying to tip toe around these types of conversations only makes them more nerve wracking.

I think there isn't a right or wrong choice as to whether or not you talk to him, but what he does with the info should be up to him.

Good Luck.
SeriousKarma is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 08:23 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: South
Posts: 16
I would protect my daddy at all costs, but I would only tell him in person looking into his eyes. I would expect that he would do the same for me.
Thelou is offline  
Old 04-25-2014, 09:17 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eddiebuckle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Yes, it's ugly, underhanded, and he's your Dad... but resist the temptation to put on a cape and try to save the day. It's not your business and regardless of intentions could easily backfire.
Eddiebuckle is offline  
Old 04-26-2014, 03:08 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hopeworks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Being a reformed control freak I have shared with friends the "facts" about their significant other because I surely would want to know myself! Did this twice with cheating lowlife men with my girlfriends and it did not end up well for me...of course they both reconciled and it became uncomfortable for all...after all I knew the truth!

A girlfriend of mine was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist manipulator and I was her rock getting out of her relationship with him too... yep... they are back together! Just saw them both socially and it was a bit awkward but I greeting the jerk and didn't say a word to gf who has complete rocks in her head.

I have had my share of rocks in my head and there is no fathoming the ties that bind in toxic love relationships.

My advice... steer way clear of direct involvement. If you have a HP pick up the red phone and if your Dad is checking in as well with God the matter will come to light sooner or later. And when he knows about her fb changes it may not make a whit of difference... he knows who she is as he lives with her full time.
Hopeworks is offline  
Old 04-26-2014, 04:17 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
redatlanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
This^^^^. Yep been down that road myself. That's why when it comes to relationships I don't say squat. My Business partner told me a week ago he was leaving his BF. He then went on to list all the reasons why. While I was cheering in silence and agreed with everything he said, and had more to add - I said nothing except "do what makes you happy".

And……they did not break up and "everything has changed and they are SOOOOO happy". Thank goodness I kept my mouth shut.

Have known people to see some "real" evidence of cheating, inform a partner, and then lose the friendship.

Its very bizarre to me how that works.
redatlanta is offline  
Old 04-26-2014, 04:44 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Unless I had concrete proof that she was betraying my father, I would mind my own business. Especially if I didn't have a real relationship with either of them. Then I am just being a busy body.

I would Check my motives.
deeker is offline  
Old 05-04-2014, 04:46 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Asking your stepmother about her new career is not "telling" or "gossiping". * She has, after all, posted it publicly.

And a comment to the effect "I must admit I was worried when I saw your marital status changed." is also appropriate*. She did it publicly. Not a secret.

Her reaction to your questions can be read by her husband, hopefully.

I would take a screen shot of her Facebook page first.

I think if my kids knew something and it was something I needed to know, I would feel betrayed if they didn't tell me. Not lecture me or give advice, just give me the information, without embellishment or bias, and leave it with me.

Last edited by wellnowwhat; 05-04-2014 at 04:58 AM. Reason: *not said as a "gotcha", just a question
wellnowwhat is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:27 AM.