My mum is an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1
My mum is an alcoholic
Hello Eveyone,
Not really sure where to start as this is the first time I have asked for advice.
My mum is soon to be 54 and is an alcoholic she lives with my father and has no life she does not work does not have a social life or friends she does not go out except for food shopping. Myself and my 6 year old triplets are all she has but I have had enough of her drinking it has started to make a large impact on my life I hate to see her drunk at 1pm in the day. She promised a few weeks ago she was going to quit she lasted one day. I do not know what to do for the best I feel I need to scare her I have told her she will lose me and my kids if she keeps it up but I know I am just not strong enough to walk away from her I feel really guilty for leaving her on her own and feel like i have to be there for her all the time. She borrows money from me and I cant say no to her which i know is wrong but I just want to her to be happy. She has told me in the past she wants to kill herself as she doesnt feel normal anymore ( she says she drinks because she is depressed ) She says she drinks to get through the day and deal with my dad ( he is not great to live with ) who is about to explode with her drinking. I say to her I will pick u up sat and we can do stuff with the kids go so where and when I get there she is drunk and u can smell it off her I get so angry with her. I am starting to really dislike my own mother who I love with all my heart if that even makes sense. I am so sorry this is such a long post but I would love some advice on the best way to help her from people who can understand the situation. Please any advice for me xxxx Kelly x
Not really sure where to start as this is the first time I have asked for advice.
My mum is soon to be 54 and is an alcoholic she lives with my father and has no life she does not work does not have a social life or friends she does not go out except for food shopping. Myself and my 6 year old triplets are all she has but I have had enough of her drinking it has started to make a large impact on my life I hate to see her drunk at 1pm in the day. She promised a few weeks ago she was going to quit she lasted one day. I do not know what to do for the best I feel I need to scare her I have told her she will lose me and my kids if she keeps it up but I know I am just not strong enough to walk away from her I feel really guilty for leaving her on her own and feel like i have to be there for her all the time. She borrows money from me and I cant say no to her which i know is wrong but I just want to her to be happy. She has told me in the past she wants to kill herself as she doesnt feel normal anymore ( she says she drinks because she is depressed ) She says she drinks to get through the day and deal with my dad ( he is not great to live with ) who is about to explode with her drinking. I say to her I will pick u up sat and we can do stuff with the kids go so where and when I get there she is drunk and u can smell it off her I get so angry with her. I am starting to really dislike my own mother who I love with all my heart if that even makes sense. I am so sorry this is such a long post but I would love some advice on the best way to help her from people who can understand the situation. Please any advice for me xxxx Kelly x
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O sweetie, I am so sorry you are in this situation. How awful. What about your father, what sort of role does he take in all of this?
Would she be willing to do any sort of treatment, AA, anything? It sounds like she is suffering w/depression and needs a therapist. She needs help but unless she is willing to accept it the help won't do any good.
Please take good care of you and your sweet triplets. Have you tried Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? We have a set of trips that comes to our Celebrate Recovery and they love it, there are age appropriate classes for them also at ours called Celebration Station.
You will see on here a lot of times to remember the three C's. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it. She has to truly want the help and do the work. If she is suicidal you can have her committed to the hospital, would she be willing to accept going into a rehab from there?
Just some thoughts.
I am so sorry for what brings you here but so glad you are here.
Tight hugs!
Would she be willing to do any sort of treatment, AA, anything? It sounds like she is suffering w/depression and needs a therapist. She needs help but unless she is willing to accept it the help won't do any good.
Please take good care of you and your sweet triplets. Have you tried Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? We have a set of trips that comes to our Celebrate Recovery and they love it, there are age appropriate classes for them also at ours called Celebration Station.
You will see on here a lot of times to remember the three C's. You did not cause it, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it. She has to truly want the help and do the work. If she is suicidal you can have her committed to the hospital, would she be willing to accept going into a rehab from there?
Just some thoughts.
I am so sorry for what brings you here but so glad you are here.
Tight hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like your Mom should be seeing a therapist and maybe get on an anti-depressant to help with the depression and will hopefully want to help herself (as the starting point). If she can start feeling better about herself, maybe she would take up a hobby or join a club of some sort to be around people (especially if your dad isn't too great). Then maybe she could deal with the drinking problem. She is going to want to help herself as her first step, however. You can't "help" her. Only she can help herself. You should speak to her about this and say you'll be there for her as support. But you won't enable her any longer if she chooses to do nothing. Then she will have consequences and will need to make choices for herself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hi Kelly. My ex's cousin has triplets (all boys) that are a bit younger than my youngest ds5. You have a handful there, but what a blessing. Hope they are thriving. Hers were born very preemie and it was touch and go when they were tiny, but now all are healthy energetic boys. One did have some hearing loss due to an infection and they have him in a special school where he learned sign language. He and his brothers all learned to sign before they could talk, and the first word they all learned was "No"- that seems to be universal in any language.
This situation with your mom sounds really hard. On top of being an extremely busy mom yourself, you also have an adult woman expecting you to take care of her. I bet she really lays on the guilt trip when you try to back off. Here's the thing, a lot of the stuff you are doing that you think is helping her is actually keeping her sick. I don't say this to make you feel bad, but just as shared knowledge. And alcoholics are really prone to throwing fits when someone close to them wakes up and stops enabling (giving them $ to drink, buying booze, rides to the liquor store, cleaning up messes they make while drinking, etc.). But that is actually one of the most loving things someone can do for an alcoholic. Leave them to their own devices. Let them make their own way. No matter how much they might rage against
it.
As for your dad, he is suffering because of your mom's disease. I'm sure I wasn't easy
to live with when I was in an alcoholic relationship. I was constantly stressed, worried and overwhelmed by daily life.
There's not much you can do for your mom except stop enabling her. No more money- put it in the triplet's college fund. You might reach out to your dad, though. Sounds like he is going through a lot. Alcoholics love to blame their drinking on others, and he has become your mom's scapegoat. Hopeful mentioned celebrate recovery and Alanon. You might want to check out a meeting and invite your dad along. Those are great (free) resources for family members of alcoholics. I attend Alanon meetings (my dad is an alcoholic, as is my ex), and it has helped me tremendously.
This situation with your mom sounds really hard. On top of being an extremely busy mom yourself, you also have an adult woman expecting you to take care of her. I bet she really lays on the guilt trip when you try to back off. Here's the thing, a lot of the stuff you are doing that you think is helping her is actually keeping her sick. I don't say this to make you feel bad, but just as shared knowledge. And alcoholics are really prone to throwing fits when someone close to them wakes up and stops enabling (giving them $ to drink, buying booze, rides to the liquor store, cleaning up messes they make while drinking, etc.). But that is actually one of the most loving things someone can do for an alcoholic. Leave them to their own devices. Let them make their own way. No matter how much they might rage against
it.
As for your dad, he is suffering because of your mom's disease. I'm sure I wasn't easy
to live with when I was in an alcoholic relationship. I was constantly stressed, worried and overwhelmed by daily life.
There's not much you can do for your mom except stop enabling her. No more money- put it in the triplet's college fund. You might reach out to your dad, though. Sounds like he is going through a lot. Alcoholics love to blame their drinking on others, and he has become your mom's scapegoat. Hopeful mentioned celebrate recovery and Alanon. You might want to check out a meeting and invite your dad along. Those are great (free) resources for family members of alcoholics. I attend Alanon meetings (my dad is an alcoholic, as is my ex), and it has helped me tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Ilove,
Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of support here as many of us share your experience. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother a codependent and growing up this way really impacts how we feel about our parents ... especially the alcoholic parent. Alcoholism is a family disease and unraveling how best to help our loved ones while protecting ourselves and our own families is complicated.
However, you are on the right path! Looking for answers and support is close by. I second, third and fourth alanon. Please try to locate some meetings and try several...when and if you find the right group your life will change...truly.
A therapist for you would be great (find the right one who understands addiction) If mum will find a therapist that is great too! But please take care of you...that you can control.
Books. Information brings understanding and helps you find answers in navigating the relationships of addiction.
If Mum says she wants to quit drinking she has to put legs to her words. AA is a great resource...meetings everywhere on the planet. If that is not working then detox, rehabs, halfway houses are also possibilities.
Anyone can stop drinking...if they are willing to do whatever it takes to stop. I know this is true because I am in the criminal justice system and when we lock them up they stop. When we put them on probation and if they use they go back to jail they stop.
Stopping isn't recovery...its just abstinence. Our loved ones need to learn how to live happily and joyfully substance free. A new way of life... and they can do it if they make a desperate run at finding their own way out of their addiction.
Take care of you and come back and tell us how you are doing. We care.
Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of support here as many of us share your experience. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother a codependent and growing up this way really impacts how we feel about our parents ... especially the alcoholic parent. Alcoholism is a family disease and unraveling how best to help our loved ones while protecting ourselves and our own families is complicated.
However, you are on the right path! Looking for answers and support is close by. I second, third and fourth alanon. Please try to locate some meetings and try several...when and if you find the right group your life will change...truly.
A therapist for you would be great (find the right one who understands addiction) If mum will find a therapist that is great too! But please take care of you...that you can control.
Books. Information brings understanding and helps you find answers in navigating the relationships of addiction.
If Mum says she wants to quit drinking she has to put legs to her words. AA is a great resource...meetings everywhere on the planet. If that is not working then detox, rehabs, halfway houses are also possibilities.
Anyone can stop drinking...if they are willing to do whatever it takes to stop. I know this is true because I am in the criminal justice system and when we lock them up they stop. When we put them on probation and if they use they go back to jail they stop.
Stopping isn't recovery...its just abstinence. Our loved ones need to learn how to live happily and joyfully substance free. A new way of life... and they can do it if they make a desperate run at finding their own way out of their addiction.
Take care of you and come back and tell us how you are doing. We care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Kelly, just wanted to add my support here. Ihad alcoholic parents too. my mom used to beg me to go get her booze and I felt so sorry for her, so I did it. I feel very sad about that now. I know that if I could do things over, I would have gone to al-anon and perhaps begged her to go to rehab. Maybe begged for her to go to aa. and maybe would have gone with her. She was depressed most of her life, and used alcohol to deal.
you can beg, but you cannot make them do anything. but it is worth a try , to talk to her , let her know how much you love her and that there is a better life for her, if she wants it. Other than that, you must take care of yourself and those triplets. you have a life to live, and must make the most of it, and be happy.
I know it is very tough when its your parent, who you love so much.
the best thing you can do for her, is to take care of yourself.
best wishes, hugs, and stick around. there is much support here. al-anon is a great resource for you, too.
you can beg, but you cannot make them do anything. but it is worth a try , to talk to her , let her know how much you love her and that there is a better life for her, if she wants it. Other than that, you must take care of yourself and those triplets. you have a life to live, and must make the most of it, and be happy.
I know it is very tough when its your parent, who you love so much.
the best thing you can do for her, is to take care of yourself.
best wishes, hugs, and stick around. there is much support here. al-anon is a great resource for you, too.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Kelly, welcome to SR. I agree with most of the other posters that your mother needs support to quit drinking. It's not easy to quit on your own, and you have to want to badly. She doesn't seem to be at that point yet. An inpatient rehab would be ideal, but there is also AA and other methods, including SR. But your mother has to be willing to look at these options, and you have to be willing dial down your expectations.
Your mother will come to her own conclusions quicker if you stop making allowances for her, and lending her money. You might set a boundary that you won't visit or take her out unless she's sober. This is reasonable, even though it might involve some wasted trips.
I suffer from chronic depression (treated) and I was an alcoholic for many years, although not a daytime drinker. It is treatable. I was able to stop by myself, but your mother's world sounds so restricted that she may need help with anxiety as well as alcoholism. It sounds like she would benefit from a skilled mental health diagnosis.
Your mother will come to her own conclusions quicker if you stop making allowances for her, and lending her money. You might set a boundary that you won't visit or take her out unless she's sober. This is reasonable, even though it might involve some wasted trips.
I suffer from chronic depression (treated) and I was an alcoholic for many years, although not a daytime drinker. It is treatable. I was able to stop by myself, but your mother's world sounds so restricted that she may need help with anxiety as well as alcoholism. It sounds like she would benefit from a skilled mental health diagnosis.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello kelly, Welcome!
I think you have gotten a lot of great advice here. I know you want to be supportive of your mom, but you deserve a happy life, too. Perhaps letting her know that you will only visit with her when she is sober is a good place to start!
Please reconsider giving your mother money for her alcohol. I say this not to scare you, but giving money to an alcoholic is like providing ammunition for the weapon they are using to slowly kill themselves.
When I first arrived at SR, this thread helped me a great deal. I hope you will find some good in it as well:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please take good care and come back as often as you need!
I think you have gotten a lot of great advice here. I know you want to be supportive of your mom, but you deserve a happy life, too. Perhaps letting her know that you will only visit with her when she is sober is a good place to start!
Please reconsider giving your mother money for her alcohol. I say this not to scare you, but giving money to an alcoholic is like providing ammunition for the weapon they are using to slowly kill themselves.
When I first arrived at SR, this thread helped me a great deal. I hope you will find some good in it as well:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please take good care and come back as often as you need!
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