tjol81

Hey all. I've posted on here a couple of times already bemoaning my XAF, and now the anger is subsiding, I'm really looking at my own behaviour and am feeling incredibly guilty.

At the beginning, when he'd suddenly start drinking, I would tell him it's OK and that one day he'll get the hang of it. I was disappointed, but didn't let him know and just carried on as normal, listening to him going on and just smiling and trying to be supportive and kind. As a binge drinker, he would always end a binge in a desperately sad state, and I would sit with him for hours holding his hand and telling him things weren't that bad and we'd find a way to sort things out. The last hours of a binge were horrific and often ended up with him cutting himself or threatening to commit crime to get more money.

For the first few months, I could deal with seeing him in that state and took the time to understand what he was going through and forgive him. But the binges became more frequent and a lot worse. As time went on, I dreaded him going on a binge because I knew it would end desperately badly and I started obsessing over what he was doing. He had no other friends and so I was the one that dealt with his shame, guilt, paranoia and anger. I would leave him in the morning and he was sober and really positive, and by the time I got back round to his after work he was drinking again. He said the hardest part of that was seeing the disappointment on my face. It was more fear than disappointment, as I knew I was in for a rough ride again.

For the past few months, if he's been drinking and taking cocaine (his "buddy addiction") I started to panic and try to avoid him as I was dreaming the fall out. I started fixating on his drinking and he started getting aggressive toward me and I always felt I was being taken advantage of. I just wanted him to stay sober for longer than 2 weeks, but time and again I would get an unexpected drunken phone call with him ranting and threatening. I just had to run.

He kept telling me I was being judgemental and making him feel worse because I would highlight his behaviour during his binges. I kept telling him about the cycle he would go through time and again. He said I was more interested in telling him who I think he should be rather than just being his friend. I was always breathing down his neck after a binge and started getting quite opinionated at him. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but yet again he'd hurt me badly and once he'd sobered up again, I was just expected to forgive and forget again. I just couldn't let things go though as I'd been run through the emotional mill again.

At the moment, he's trying a 90 day recovery program with the AA, and someone recommended he cut ties with people that make upset him or make him think about drinking. I was the one he cut off. I feel awful that he feels I push him to drink, when I thought I was trying to steer him away. I feel guilty for my behaviour and can't believe I was such a nag. It's just that every time he drank, I would be the focus of his rage and guilt, and I found it harder and harder to deal with. I'd heard the apologies a million times. I'd let him vent and abuse me too and didn't bring it up. I really tried being a supportive friend, but ended up turning into a moralising, moaning victim and was sure to let him know how I felt.

My question is, is my guilt normal? There was a lot of emotional and psychological abuse on his part, but I was also a nightmare for him by calling him out on his lies, not talking to him when he was drunk and reminding him of what he'd done when he sobered up. I don't blame him for wanting to stay away from me as I'm a total emotional wreck.

FeelingGreat

hi tjol, where are you getting all this guilt from? It's the most common thing in the world for an alcoholic to blame their SO for their drinking when the reason is because they are an alcoholic. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Unless you forced his mouth open and poured the drink down his throat?

You told him how he acts when drunk and how it impacts on you. I suppose he doesn't like hearing about that, but why should he? I'm sure it was uncomfortable to hear about his behaviour and I'm sure he would have much preferred for you to say nothing. That would mean he could continue on with no consequences and no uncomfortable feelings of guilt.

While he's given you this break, how about looking after yourself and your needs for once? Al-anon would be a good start, or have a look around SR and read the wealth of material here from people who have been in your shoes. You might find it's not all your fault after all, and learn some strategies for the future.

tjol81

Hi FeelingGreat. I suppose the guilt comes from the way I treated him when he'd drunk or upset me. I mean he really did some horrific things to me, and never allowed me to get my head round them and I let him know. He was already feeling ashamed and guilty, but I just made it even worse for him. I'm not used to angry or manipulative people, and I managed to lump myself with an alcoholic cocaine addict with a string of criminal convictions and prison sentences and a penchant for violence and rage. He'd often tell me that all he wanted was a friend not a concerned person. He said I focussed too much on his drinking than him. That is very true. He'd repeat the same pattern over and over saying he didn't know where he was going wrong, so I told him. He didn't like hearing it.

I feel guilty for becoming someone I didn't like. I'm naturally quite confident, honest and trusting. I've become introverted, mistrusting and nervously obsessive! I feel guilty because I'd lied to my other friends and my family about what was going on. One night he held a knife to my throat trying to get drug money. He then cut his arm open in front of me and tried to get out of the house to get money from anyone and I barred his way. Once he'd calmed down i tried to call an ambulance but he stopped me so I treated his wound and put him to bed. I sat up just numb, watching him sleep until I had to go to work. I then had to act as if nothing had happened. He called me at work acting as if nothing had happened. This and worse happened regularly. I knew what he'd done, but wasn't allowed to say anything. After this one though, I started reacting very negatively to his binges and making him feel even guiltily than he already did. I suppose I just needed him to know how badly he'd scared and hurt me. He couldn't deal with it though.

I know I put up with a hell if a lot of abuse, and now he's going around blaming me and running me down to anyone that'll listen. I feel bad for not being able to trust anything he says or does. I feel bad for my friends who, now they know the truth of things, are desperately trying to help me. I'm usually the dependable, stoic one and now I just feel like an angry victim. Wow! How mixed up am I!?

I've started being honest with people again, which is hard as I feel ashamed of sticking about for so long, and seeing my friends cry because of what I'd been through was awful. Even my very macho brother who I'd never seen upset cried when I told him the truth. I just sat there numb. Now they're all incredibly angry at my XAF which makes me feel even worse. Everyone else seems to be feeling my emotions for me, and I just feel like I've let everyone down.

CodeJob

Hello TJOL, I think talking to others and living in the truth is a really strong start. Hugs!

FeelingGreat

hi tjol, can you believe your actions were natural given the incredible stress you've been under? Having someone hold a knife at your throat is terrifying abuse.
I'm not saying your actions or reactions were perfect, none of us can say that in life, but focussing on his drinking would be a natural response because it dominated your life.
I'm so glad you're moving on, and you have your F&F for support. Are you seeing a DV counsellor who will help you work through your feelings?
Please take this opportunity to cut off all contact with him, or he may try to reel you back in as abusers tend to do.

dessy

Your story is mine in your first post but im married to him. Dont feel guilty they try to blame you so they dont feel guilty for their behaviour. Anger is normal let this so called friend go and enjoy your life

hopeful4

Lets look at why you are an emoational wreck? For me, it was an immediate result of my XAH's behavior. My life had become a mess because I was living in fear, anxiety, anger, all sorts of toxic things. Those toxic things were a result of him binge drinking. It's a constant merry go round of what is going to happen next. Literally living walking on egg shells, and I could see my kids were doing it too.

I stepped off the crazy train, and just as my doctor told me often happens, was able to decrease my anxiety meds to the point that I will completely go off them very soon.

The thing is, until you change your own life, the merry go round continues. Therapy and Celebrate Recovery helped me take a good look at my own life to see what the source of my anxiety is and helped me focus on me and how it affects me and my children.

FireSprite

tj - I don't have any DV experience, but you've described here sounds horrific. Of course you changed as a person in response to living in such tight enmeshment with an abusive addict. You adapted to the environment, just like the proverbial frog in a pot of water slowly coming to a boil. Although our situations are very different, I also experienced such a change of personality & behavior in the face of dealing with active addiction - it's what most codependents do.

I'm also happy you are reaching out to your support system for help - it will make the world of difference when you unburden yourself from those secrets. Give yourself some extra love & attention while you sort this out, none of it happened overnight & your solutions won't be that way either. I think No Contact is a good idea for you even though he initiated it. Please take the time to read through the stickies on abuse if you haven't already & search out other old posts along the same lines. Empower yourself by educating yourself ~ you don't ever have to settle for this kind of treatment, you are worth SO much more than that!

AnvilheadII

you are not responsible for HIM - how he feels or what he does.
you are not responsible for your FRIENDS, or how they feel.
you didn't MAKE him worse....he did, the drugs did. he was and is a very messed up abusive psycho addict. the normal rules do not apply.

you got out. BE GRATEFUL. now is the time to evaluate what drew you in in the first place with someone SO damaged. and then make a pact with yourself to be super selective about any future people you allow in to your precious life.

tjol81

Hey. Have been reading about codependency a bit more, and a disturbing amount is hitting home. Think that's what's causing the guilt. Knowing how I've been acting is a shocker!! I know it's not my fault etc.. but a lot of the material states that you are responsible for your own behaviour and trying to control the other person is not your responsibility. What I'm struggling to reconcile is that there were occasions where I had to manipulate and control as I was literally in imminent danger of serious harm. It's the fallout from these situations when I melted down and my defences went into overdrive and I vented my fear and hurt.

Am I kidding myself by saying I was right to control him when he came at me or tried to go out, knife in hand to rob a stranger? He'd done things before and was quite willing to do them again but I stopped him. Was I supposed to let him potential grievously hurt someone? I've got a major conflict as I can understand that I was wrong to keep such close, almost stifling tabs on him, but when I didn't all hell broke lose and people got hurt. Badly hurt.

I suppose I'm trying to separate behaviour which is codependency based and behaviour that was "panic" based. All people seem to say is that I need to address what caused me to act how I did as if I always had a choice or time to think about what I was doing. When someone's got a knife to you, are you supposed to remind yourself of the 3 Cs and hope for the best!? I'm not trying to be flippant, I just can't seem to get my head round things.

hopeful4

You should call the police if he does those things YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM. He is going to kill you, someone else, or himself. I truly hope you get away.

I truly hope you keep yourself safe.


XXX

AnvilheadII

it's not how you acted when faced with imminent danger....it's how on earth you got yourself in to the predicament in the first place.

honeypig

I'm glad you're reading about being codependent and apparently having some strong flashes of insight and recognition. I never thought I was codependent either, and it was hard to admit to myself, let alone anyone else.

Regarding what you said about whether you were wrong to try to control him when he threatened your life--no, of course all bets are off when your life is in danger! You have to do whatever you need to in order to survive.

As far as trying to control him when he was going out to commit a crime, I'd like to echo what hopeful4 said about calling the cops. It's not up to YOU to prevent him from harming some innocent person OR to keep him from suffering the consequences when he's arrested for carrying a weapon or attempted robbery.

As Anvilhead said, the question for you now is why you'd accept this kind of treatment from anyone, let alone a "friend." Hope that your reading continues to enlighten you. I think I may have suggested Alanon to you in a previous thread, and I'd like to repeat that recommendation.

lillamy

You know... it's very good to see your own role in the ugly dance that is the addict/codie one. It's a good thing.

But only if you use it for something constructive.

Piling guilt on yourself does nothing. As others have said, you have every reason to be upset, angry, sad, terrified, hateful.

It's important to see our part.
But it's equally important to see that you were victimized by an abusive addict.
If you put those two pieces together, you will be a survivor of an abusive relationship rather than the victim of one. You will use your experiences to grow and learn about yourself, and about what it is in yourself (as there was in me) that made you accept to be treated like you were.

Lots of hugs. Don't beat yourself up. My daughter has a poster on her wall that says something along the lines of "Everyone runs into obstacles in life. Whether you let them become stumbling blocks or turn them into stepping stones is entirely up to you."

mattmathews

You feel guilty, as if it was you whose done something wrong. But when you tell people your story they cry, not for your XAF, but for you!

Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. It makes us crazy. Other people can see that our behavior is a little off, even if they don't know why. But often, it's very hard for us to see it ourselves.

I think your brothers tears are an amazing gift. His tears are validating that yes, you have suffered from more abuse than you can handle. More abuse than anyone should have to handle. This can be a ray of clarity for you...it's an opportunity for you to recognize that you're not the guilty party, you're the victim.
Maybe everyone is feeling your emotions for you, because you can't feel them for yourself?
It takes time to heal. I've found that Al-Anon can be a gentle healing program...I can't recommend it highly enough. Give it a try.
Here's a link to find a meeting in your area: Al-Anon