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Can you respect the alcoholic?

Old 04-25-2014, 09:16 PM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by fairlyuncertain View Post
When Alcoholics start demanding respect, it's been my experience that they don't actually give a fig about respect.
No, they want adoration. They want applause, and lots of it, for their achievement of not being an a$$hole in that moment (the next moment? Well, that's still in the future). They want a full-ego massage that helps them feel special, entitled and superior.

He probably just got mad because you treated him like a full-grown adult who could carry his own weight without complaint, and forgot to give him a trophy. Keep treating him like an adult. His recovery, if he persists in it, will bring self-respect into his life, and end the demands that you do it for him!


THAT is one kick-a55 post!!!!!!!!!!!!

(re: the next moment being "in the future" ..... don't forget that the jacka55 behavior displayed five seconds ago is "in the past"! I love that excuse!)

Peace.
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Old 04-26-2014, 04:38 AM
  # 62 (permalink)  
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I don't think an active alcoholic even knows what respect is. They just 'Demand" and what it is they are demanding is to drink without hassle and have their codie clean up the mess.

I would call that slavery rather than "respect".

That's why when a Codie chooses to recover themselves and no longer participates in the enslavement of an alcoholic they are told they don't "respect" the alcoholic. Its not true. Its about choosing to live rather then choosing to just exist in a lonely, sad, disruptive lifestyle.
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Old 04-26-2014, 07:31 AM
  # 63 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by fairlyuncertain View Post
When Alcoholics start demanding respect, it's been my experience that they don't actually give a fig about respect.
No, they want adoration. They want applause, and lots of it, for their achievement of not being an a$$hole in that moment (the next moment? Well, that's still in the future). They want a full-ego massage that helps them feel special, entitled and superior.

He probably just got mad because you treated him like a full-grown adult who could carry his own weight without complaint, and forgot to give him a trophy. Keep treating him like an adult. His recovery, if he persists in it, will bring self-respect into his life, and end the demands that you do it for him!
Thank you for this! Love the fact that he can earn his own self-respect and that he doesn't need to demand or expect respect from me.

Umm, he has BEEN mad at me for 2 years now because that's when I stopped enabling, that's when I detached, and that's when I took charge of my own recovery. Maybe I should give him some reading material on 'acceptance'? Ok, kidding. I know he needs to find that on his own, too!
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Old 04-27-2014, 01:45 PM
  # 64 (permalink)  
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And, since this thread was on respect(and narcissism): today I took my son to church and the message was about happiness. I asked ds if he thought I was happy. He said yes, except when I'm not paying attention during school hours, LOL. He said that was understandable, though, given our family's history of ADD. Then, I asked him if he thought AH was a happy person. He said, "Yeah, as long as you agree with him and don't tell him stories that he doesn't understand, which is just about every time I try to tell him anything!" I said, "I hear you but do you think he's happy inside?" My son said, "No, I honestly don't think he is."

This really isn't about respect as much as it is about how the narcissism mentioned earlier in this thread is exemplified in our home. How people tell stories is one of my AH's biggest pet peeves and he hates it if you don't just say it quick, get it out, and then let him be. What I find funny is that he will go on and on about the things he cares about but he doesn't have the patience to listen to others! UGH.
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Old 04-27-2014, 02:03 PM
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The Narcissist has little to no insight as to how their actions affect others. Moreover, they tend to have little empathy for the feelings of others.

They are notoriously resistant to therapy because they are exquisitely sensitive to even the tiniest criticism.

Patience is as scarce with them as hen's teeth.

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Old 04-27-2014, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
sigh. why do you still give so much weight to what HE SAYS?
This is exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't figure out how to say it. Respect isn't even an issue here because pretty much anything he says has no value.
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