Help! I am leaving my AH and I've never been more miserable. :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 18
Help! I am leaving my AH and I've never been more miserable. :(
I told my AH this past Sunday that we are separating until he gets sober. I don't have anywhere to go except for back to my hometown, which is 2 hours away. I am moving in 3 weeks. I gave my notice at work this past Monday and am looking for a job. I love my husband more than anything, but he gets drunk and sometimes messages other women. I posted about it a few weeks ago. He is a musician and plays out 5 nights a week. The last straw was the first out of town show he had with a new band he's in that I couldn't go to. He was messaging the bartender from his hotel room after the show. They were flirting back and forth about her coming to the hotel room. I don't know if she did, but it devastated me. He was shocked of course, when I told him I was leaving. I have been threatening it for over a year, but never followed through. He went to his first AA meeting the other night and really liked it. He said he is going to go once a week. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night. I didn't speak though. Now that reality is sinking in and I'm actually moving away, I'm freaking out. I know that if I stay, we'll be right back in the same place in a couple months. It would be different if I was moving somewhere within the same city, but I am moving to another state, 2 hours away. We have been talking a lot and he seems like he really wants to get sober. The thought of actually leaving in 3 weeks has me terrified more and more every day. I felt like it is our only option at this point. I guess I just need to hear that I didn't just completely ruin my life and marriage.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I was terrified of uprooting my life. I did a trial separation with my ex which turned permanent when he chose to continue drinking. Good for you on the Alanon. I didn't go until I was moved away for good.
This feels hard, but it's the best thing for now. Hugs Emmy.
This feels hard, but it's the best thing for now. Hugs Emmy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 18
It's technically a trial separation as were planning on moving back to my hometown later this year. One one hand, I think being away from each other is good as I just enable him to keep drinking, but on the other hand, I'm afraid it's just going to drive us totally apart, whether he gets sober or not. There's no going back now. I'm scared to death.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
It's okay, Emmy. You are being smart.
Going to AA once a week is nice and all, but I don't get from the picture you paint that he is genuinely remorseful and h3ll bent on recovery.
So you can stay on the crazy train where you get more scared more mad more anxious and crazy...or you jump off! It hurts and you may feel dazed and alone on the side of the road for a while.
But then you realize there ain't nothing left to do but start walking. And you notice how blue the sky is above and you start picking up the pace and little by little you get there.
It's super hard and scary. But you're worth it!
Going to AA once a week is nice and all, but I don't get from the picture you paint that he is genuinely remorseful and h3ll bent on recovery.
So you can stay on the crazy train where you get more scared more mad more anxious and crazy...or you jump off! It hurts and you may feel dazed and alone on the side of the road for a while.
But then you realize there ain't nothing left to do but start walking. And you notice how blue the sky is above and you start picking up the pace and little by little you get there.
It's super hard and scary. But you're worth it!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Emmy
Is it ok if I tell you that this is a completely normal way to feel?
Now, if you were acting any other way I would be concerned that you were not aware of the seriousness of this situation, but you are reacting as any sane rational person would.
For me at least it was hard to accept that I was "normal"
But I am!
Hugs!
Is it ok if I tell you that this is a completely normal way to feel?
Now, if you were acting any other way I would be concerned that you were not aware of the seriousness of this situation, but you are reacting as any sane rational person would.
For me at least it was hard to accept that I was "normal"
But I am!
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Emmy,
If he is gonna quit drinking, he will do it for his self, whether you are there or not. and if he loves you and does not want to lose you, he wont cheat while he gets sober.
You will know by his actions. Getting off the crazy train seems the right thing to do. Especially when the addict is doing the driving, and you have to hang on for dear life, not knowing which way he is going to go at any given moment.
not a good or even sane way to live, dear.
Good for you, in taking care of YOU!
If he is gonna quit drinking, he will do it for his self, whether you are there or not. and if he loves you and does not want to lose you, he wont cheat while he gets sober.
You will know by his actions. Getting off the crazy train seems the right thing to do. Especially when the addict is doing the driving, and you have to hang on for dear life, not knowing which way he is going to go at any given moment.
not a good or even sane way to live, dear.
Good for you, in taking care of YOU!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
emmy--look at it this way: short-term pain for long-term gain.
I agree with Pippi--it doesn't sound like he is looking at sobriety with the intensity that one needs to work a strong program. One AA meeting a week does not sound like strong intention. That might change--but, time will tell--and that is entirely up to him. In his profession, triggers for drinking abound!!!!!!!!!!
Just think---6mo. to a year from now---you will have so much more information than you have now (if you go through with the move). You will have adjusted to the stress of your move--and his true comittment (or not) to sobriety and extra-marital socialization will come into focus.
You have far more strength than you know. We all do. If you want to make this move--you can absolutely do it!!!!!!!!
dandylion
I agree with Pippi--it doesn't sound like he is looking at sobriety with the intensity that one needs to work a strong program. One AA meeting a week does not sound like strong intention. That might change--but, time will tell--and that is entirely up to him. In his profession, triggers for drinking abound!!!!!!!!!!
Just think---6mo. to a year from now---you will have so much more information than you have now (if you go through with the move). You will have adjusted to the stress of your move--and his true comittment (or not) to sobriety and extra-marital socialization will come into focus.
You have far more strength than you know. We all do. If you want to make this move--you can absolutely do it!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Emmy,
Wishing you the very best. The scared lost feelings start going away with our own recovery. You sound very strong for being able to listen to what your instincts have been telling you and with getting a separation in order to take care of yourself!
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that requires active recovery. Going to a meeting is a start. Only he can decide if he's willing to make a full commitment to his recovery. That is possible, but isn't easy.
My husband and I have come to know quite a few men who've completely changed their job and lifestyle to support their sobriety. How they were living was very high risk for relapse and they made the decision their sobriety was more important to them than anything else. That's not to say it's impossible, but definitely higher risk to stay in an environment that triggers them or encourages drinking or drugging.
Something my husband's rehab counselor told me: "Birds fly, fish swim and alcoholics drink. That is their normal state." To not drink takes monumental effort and commitment. For some, it's relearning everything they know.
Having time to work your own separate programs sounds like a really good idea. I believe you are amazingly astute with seeing how things will be in two months if you stay now.
Wishing you the very best. The scared lost feelings start going away with our own recovery. You sound very strong for being able to listen to what your instincts have been telling you and with getting a separation in order to take care of yourself!
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that requires active recovery. Going to a meeting is a start. Only he can decide if he's willing to make a full commitment to his recovery. That is possible, but isn't easy.
My husband and I have come to know quite a few men who've completely changed their job and lifestyle to support their sobriety. How they were living was very high risk for relapse and they made the decision their sobriety was more important to them than anything else. That's not to say it's impossible, but definitely higher risk to stay in an environment that triggers them or encourages drinking or drugging.
Something my husband's rehab counselor told me: "Birds fly, fish swim and alcoholics drink. That is their normal state." To not drink takes monumental effort and commitment. For some, it's relearning everything they know.
Having time to work your own separate programs sounds like a really good idea. I believe you are amazingly astute with seeing how things will be in two months if you stay now.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
If he really wants sobriety, he will seek it with or without you. A marriage with an active alcoholic is already broken, so don't think for a second that you are the one responsible. Getting away is the best thing to do, especially since it doesn't appear that he has any real sense of urgency about getting sober (he said he was going to AA, not going to get sober. Plenty of people go to their meetings lit like Christmas trees).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
emmy......it hurts. it hurts like hell. and then some.
without help from al-anon and the folks on this forum, past and present, i'm not sure that I could have coped with the magnitude of my situation, emotions, experiences, and trying to survive emotionally from minute to minute.
and many times, coping was truly MINUTE BY MINUTE.
over time, my support systems and recovery journey kicked in high gear and my life became so much clearer, my mind eased, and the hurt subsided.
it does get better. hang in. keep on.
without help from al-anon and the folks on this forum, past and present, i'm not sure that I could have coped with the magnitude of my situation, emotions, experiences, and trying to survive emotionally from minute to minute.
and many times, coping was truly MINUTE BY MINUTE.
over time, my support systems and recovery journey kicked in high gear and my life became so much clearer, my mind eased, and the hurt subsided.
it does get better. hang in. keep on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 18
Thank you everyone. It helps so much to hear from people who know what it's like. Things seem to be falling into place so easily for my move. I think I may have found a great job already (fingers crossed). I really believe that it is fate that is leading me right now. That's not to say I'm not going to have a complete breakdown at least once a day, but I know deep down that I'm doing the right thing for ME. I don't remember the last time I did anything for me. I don't know that I ever have. I'm scared and a little excited about what the future may bring. I pray that he finds the peace he needs to get sober and stay sober and I do hope that we can make it through this and start over. I'm just going to try my best to stop freaking out and just take it day by day.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry things are working out this way Emmy, but so happy that you are standing up for yourself! It's ok to be scared, big changes like this are intimidating no matter how well prepared we are for them. Good luck!!
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