Awful morning, feel like a bad mom.

Old 04-23-2014, 11:16 AM
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Awful morning, feel like a bad mom.

This morning AH offered to walk our 6-year-old to school (the house he lives in is across the street from school), so I got there early to drop him off before driving our 2 .5 year-old to preschool. Everything went fine, really smooth morning and the boys were in great moods.

I went to put my little guy in his car seat, got him in, and then opened the trunk to stick a drink into his lunch bag. I sat my keys down while I fiddled with the bag and then shut the trunk. I don’t know how the doors locked because I usually have to hit my key fob button for that to happen, but they did anyway. All four doors, couldn’t get in at all. My purse containing my apartment key was also locked into the trunk. I started panicking and ran inside to tell AH, who was just getting out of the shower. My mother-in-law went to keep the baby entertained while he was sitting there. AH started screaming at me that he couldn’t believe I’d done that. I asked him to please stop screaming because it wasn’t helping the situation.

I haven’t given AH a spare set of keys to my apartment because I don’t want him having access to my place. So the only way to get into my apartment to get the spare car key would be to get a set from the guy who lives in my building and holds the spare keys. I called roadside assistance but they said it would take up to an hour to get someone there, and that they would also call 911. I told them to hold off on that, because I was going to try to get the spare key from my apartment down the road. I jumped into AH’s truck and drove to the apartment – couldn’t reach the guy with the keys, so I literally kicked my door in (only one flimsy lock was locked so it was surprisingly easy). I got back to the house in like five minutes, but the fire department was already there (the insurance rep. must have called them). There were about six firemen there and they had just gotten the door open. They were super nice and told me not to worry.

AH was nice until they left, then totally lost it on me. He is about three days from getting his license back after the DUI suspension. He said I just brought all kinds of unnecessary “heat” onto him by the police/fire department coming out. He said he has to drive to work tomorrow and now he’s probably on their radar and will get caught. He said now that I’d made him late, he needed a ride to his alcohol class after we dropped off the baby at preschool…it’s his last class. I said fine and he got in the car. He didn’t say anything until we dropped our son off. Then once we were headed to the class, he lost it on me. Screamed the entire way. Said that he wouldn’t even have accepted a ride from me if he didn’t really need one. He said what kind of mother am I, to let my child get locked in the car, and “who does that???” He said the firefighters were only being nice to me when they told me this happens a lot. He said thanks so much for the stress I brought him, and that he’s actually been feeling great since we haven’t been living together. He said I’ve probably ruined everything for him getting his license back. I told him that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if he hadn’t created this mess in the first place by losing his license. (He also called the fire department while on that bender when he thought he was having another seizure, and had to pay $1,300 for the ambulance that he rode to the hospital in, only to leave before getting any help.) He got out of the car and said “F**k you, c***t” and left.

I feel so crappy – I feel like a bad mom for letting that happen in the first place. But if he had done it, I’d be trying to make him feel better not berating him. I’ve always felt like I was dealing with a “father” in these situations, not a husband/partner. He also kept asking me if I’ve been “drinking at night.” I do have 1-2 glasses of wine at night sometimes, but that is after the kids go to bed, and I never drink more than that, or drink enough to actually feel drunk or affected by it the next day.

Ugh, just feel overwhelmed by him sometimes. He makes me question myself all the time. I spoke to my sister earlier and she said the same thing happened to her sister-in-law like two weeks ago, and that I shouldn’t feel so bad. His DUI has caused such a headache for me - I don't let him drive with the kids at all because of the suspension, so I have to do all of the dropping off/picking up, and I can't ask him to help with anything involving driving. Why am I getting blamed for his stress?

The bigger issue here is, why am I EVEN NICE TO THIS PERSON? If I just met him and he EVER spoke to me the way he does, I would never speak to him again. Why do I have such patience for someone who is so awful? Why does he also do nice things? I just always end up feeling like he's right, I'm impossible to deal with/live with. I am accident-prone and careless at times. He makes me feel unlovable.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:24 AM
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Emmy, re-read this and pretend you didn't write it. You will read a story about a person who made a mistake that ANY HUMAN BEING COULD MAKE AT ANY GIVEN TIME and got a completely disproportionate, BS response from someone whose sole purpose in life appears to be belittling and demeaning her in order to keep her feeling crappy about herself despite the great strides she has made away from him and towards her true independent self.

He makes you "feel unlovable"; that's a fact. But you are not, in fact, unlovable. If there is a mirror in your house that is patently unflattering, you'd remove it in favor of one that helps you feel your best self. It's the same with people. Limiting the time spent at the mercy of people who makes us feel like doo-doo is the best gift we can give ourselves, especially in the early stages of recovery.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:27 AM
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Emmy. I'm sending you a gigantic, huge, massive hug.

Your husband is so ridiculously abusive, it amazes me. Accidents happen. Period. It was an accident. You acted appropriately to get your son out quickly and there was no harm done. I've worked with firefighters, guess what, they're human and make honest mistakes too. They were being nice because they understand that it was an honest accident. You're a good person and an excellent mom, Emmy. Don't believe me, then call your parents, your sister, your cousins, your friends and co-workers and ask them too.

He is such an asshat. Next time he starts spouting off just tell him to zip it. Whatever his problem is it is no longer YOUR problem. If he doesn't have anything nice to say then tell him to go find someone who gives a crap about his negativity. It's not your problem anymore.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:27 AM
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Accidents happen. Don't beat yourself up. Your baby is fine and the police/fire dept has nothing to do with your husband's DUI. He's being totally irrational and proving once again that he's an abusive *******. You don't have to live like that anymore, and you should be proud of yourself for the things you have accomplished.

**** him and the horse he rode in on. Try to enjoy your day. He's the one who's the jerk here, not you. Call a friend who makes you laugh and feel good about yourself. Do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs to you. xo
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:27 AM
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Emmy,

So sorry you are having a tough day.

Here's my take - I think you are Fing COOL to be super mom and break down your apartment door.

As for your H, well he's really not worth addressing IMO.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:29 AM
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So so sorry. God is this familiar. You make a mistake and the crazy A flips and uses it as justification to abuse you.

Accidentally locking your keys in the car is bound to happen to us all. You're not a bad mom at all. Your xAH is abusive and unreasonable and used this situation as a way to unload all his BS on you which had NOTHING to do with locking the keys in the car.

If the "heat" is on him it's bc he brought it. If he is planning to drive to work that's a bad idea and on him.

I would NOT be in a car alone with him again. Or in a car with him with your kids in the car either. That is a debacle waiting to happen. Youre a good person who was trying to help him out and he abused you for it.

As for his asking you about your drinking! LOL!!!! He is the alcoholic with a DUI. You don't need to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) ANYTHING to him. Anything at all you tell him he will twist and throw at you and make you question yourself just as you are saying you are doing now bc of your interacting with him.

I think that you are nice and decent to him bc you are a good sane person and assume that goodwill begets goodwill. You have kids together and figure that it makes sense to be kind and helpful and with courts screaming about co parenting, you're likely trying to show that youre cooperative. Same with me. But with an A, they can't be cooperative or decent bc it's all about them. It's about their needs, their resentments, their deflecting of any responsibility...

If you can, I would try and have limited contact with him.

So sorry he's been so nasty to you. Sadly it's not unfamiliar and I feel like I am reading my own story of past interactions with my xAH when I read about yours
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:35 AM
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exactly, what on earth does locking your keys in the car by mistake have to do with your idiot husband getting a DUI?

and if he is driving without a license, BINGO, whose fault is that?

If he goes off on you again, record it on your phone. he actually uses those derogatory terms to purposely make you feel bad. and it is NONE of his business what you do at night. do not be surprised when he tries to turn this all around on you.

for the record, my contractor has keys to my house....He called me the other day to tell me he could not find them, i said oh no, let me tell you how to resolve this, we did so and no one got upset, it cost $10.00 to get a new set and he then apologized. (normal people)
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:36 AM
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skipping the awfulness part for a moment, consider getting AAA or a similar car service that you can call for emergencies like this.

now as for how your AH reacted? abusive bluff and bluster, that is all. he is seizing upon you making a single mistake in order to try and justify the heaps and mounds of mistakes he has made and continues to make.

make this the last time you cater to him whatsoever. no more rides, no more dropping the kiddo off to make it easier for HIM. and if he dares raise his voice to you again, you immediately remove yourself - or hang up - or open the damn car door and push him out onto the street. ok, maybe NOT the last one.

you are not a bad mom. NOT A BAD MOM. do not take ONE word of what comes out of his mouth as god's truth. see it like verbal vomit, and step around it.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:38 AM
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Thank you guys, so much. Nearly in tears from reading your comments. Thank you for helping me keep my mind right. It makes me sad to think of when I was a SAHM and I was so isolated that I couldn't see reality. At least I am seeing it now. I do feel better every day that I'm not in the same house with him. Every time he is nice for a few days, I start letting my guard down and being nice back. Then BOOM I am reminded that he's an abusive jerk. I need to be easier on myself and see him for what he is and not let his anger and blame affect me. I've never heard that analogy about the unflattering mirror - that is so true.
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Old 04-23-2014, 11:41 AM
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One time I came home from the shops with my two daughters, 3 and 6 months. I lifted them both out of the car and put them in the house. Put my house keys on the shelf beside the door and went to get my shopping. My 3 year old shut the house door. I spent 15 minutes with my hand in the letter box trying to coax a frightened 3 year old to give me the keys. No one was about and I had no mobile phone. She gave me the keys eventually and everyone was safe.

I'm not a bad person and neither are you.
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Old 04-23-2014, 12:16 PM
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Alcoholics make everyone else feel like only they can make mistakes. But everything is also everyone elses fault.

my ABF makes me feel like a horrible mother all the time. "She never whines until you get home!" and that's just when hes "sober" I feel your pain. You are not a bad mother. My mom left my twin brother and I in the car at that age and my brother climbed into the front seat and drove the car through our fence...so, it happens!

(and to be honest, I'm surprised I haven't done that yet!)
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Old 04-23-2014, 12:20 PM
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First, I'd like to ditto "and the horse he rode in on."

Secondly:
He said he has to drive to work tomorrow and now he’s probably on their radar and will get caught.
OK -- he is three days away from getting his license back, he is planning on driving to work tomorrow, and he's angry at YOU?

He's an idiot. He doesn't think the law applies to him. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Not in the least. What he is planning on doing is breaking the law. That has nothing to do with you whatsoever. It's like if he blamed you for getting a flat tire in front of the bank that he was in the process of robbing.
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Old 04-23-2014, 12:28 PM
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Emmy - I agree 1000% with everything that's been said. He's an abusive asshat who is exploiting this situation in order to continue abusing you in a way he knows will strike right at your heart. F*** him. Plus - how freaking illogical to think that this would have ANY impact whatsoever on his DUI charges. Asshat is really too mild a term.

And FWIW I'm not ashamed to admit I DID THIS EXACT SAME THING with DD when she was a bit younger than your DS. It really DOES happen to people, the firefighters were not just giving you lip service. Luckily I was able to call AAA, explain the urgency & they sent a service car pronto. The whole event was over & done with in minutes, but it was HOURS before my nerves & guilt settled down.... DD was pretty unaffected for the most part.

You are a GREAT MOM, don't buy into his quacking!
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Old 04-23-2014, 12:45 PM
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A bad mom? You took action that resulted in your child being safely removed! You have a LOT on your plate and made one.mistake. The husband rants and raves and turns it into something about him and does nothing to help. My AH would have done the same. Just remember you're a wonderful mother and a source of strength and love for your kids.
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Old 04-23-2014, 12:52 PM
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if he is driving without a license the police should be notified, ya think? what makes it OK for him to do this? is he "special"? why can't his mama drive him? why can't he take a taxi? why would anyone jeapordize this when they are so close to the finish line?

are you sure he is really sober?
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Old 04-23-2014, 12:54 PM
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^^^^^ Pretty much what they said, Emmy!

It was a mistake. One that any of us could make and have made in the past. You took steps immediately to fix it.

His reaction, well, that's all on him. Please don't take on his baggage. He packed it, he can carry it.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:02 PM
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Emmy, you are NOT a bad mom. Sorry, but your husband is a puke.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:28 PM
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Emmy, you are not a bad mom. It happens to people all the time. Your AH's behavior was inappropriate and abusive. You are a good, loving mom who made a mistake. Hugs.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:36 PM
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Thank you all!!! All it took was reading these posts to come back to earth. I went into work and there was a bouquet of tulips from my office. I'm okay. I'm in my own place, I just remembered that, that was the biggest step. Now I just need to get healthier so he doesn't affect me so much.
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Old 04-23-2014, 01:41 PM
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Emmy, when my DD was 3 yrs old I accidently locked her into the car after gymnastics class one night. I called my then AH and told him to bring me the keys. I played peek a boo and stuff w/ her while I waited. It does not/did not make me a bad mom.

I am not trying to make this about me. What I want you to see is that other people make these same mistakes. It does not make you a bad mom or anything else. I would just love to have a little talk with your AH, he is terrible and abusive.

Keep it in perspective. Everything turned out just fine.

Tights Hugs to a good momma!
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