The Water Bottle
 

Sharing, because I don't think I'll ever fully get over the paranoia.

My RAH is in his 5th year of recovery and all signs are that everything is going well. We've rebonded, life is good, blah blah blah.

Our college student son was home for Christmas break and went back to school in late January. Unless he's home, no one uses the basement. He spends a lot of time down there with his friends, playing video games, and just hanging out. There has been a half-filled water bottle on the coffee table since he left. I see it when I pass through to go to the laundry room. I just walked by every time because when I see a water bottle I just assume it's filled with vodka because that was my husband's M.O. I used to find water bottles all over the house, and would open them, sniff them, and then freak out over and over and over again. Although I know better, I just couldn't rid myself of the thought that there was vodka in the bottle and I had something to worry about. I was afraid to open it because I just didn't want to know.

The other day I finally said something to my husband about it. He opened it, sniffed it, smiled and said, "just water." And then I relaxed, until the next time I run across a dreaded bottle of water.

awwww Ichabod. how well I understand.

I have been out of my marriage to XAH for 4 years, have been active in al-anon, received counseling, surrounded myself with healthy people, done most of the right things.

even with all the recovery under my belt, I still have moments that i'm shook to the core.
I am now dealing with the resentment of having to deal with triggers that living with my husband made visible to me about myself.

feel like I've been left to deal with his crap that he created.

but........i'm learning to accept that this will probably be part of me for the rest of my life. and I have to think of it in a way that allows me to be the vicar. for example....I may still have those characteristic traits, and I know they will flare from time to time, but I also recognize that I never have to live THAT life again.

it's ok for me to de-rail from time to time, as long as I steer everything right back onto the road again.

Yup the infamous water bottle! My AH uses that trick too. He even fills it with red wine and pretends its a flavored water as if I'm that stupid not to recognize the difference. Thank goodness it was only water. One day at a time.

I am guilty. :)

Only did it a couple of times early on after rAH was back from rehab, but yeah, I have sniffed a coke can or two to see if there was whiskey in it.

I'm glad I'm not alone. Back when he was drinking, I'd sip from the bottle and know it was liquor and RAH would swear up and down and all around that it was water and I was crazy. I didn't realize how much of a stress trigger that whole thing was until this water bottle non-incident. I also used to glance up on top of the kitchen cabinets every time I went into the kitchen because that's where RAH would stash his bottles. It's taken years to stop doing that.

This is the exact kind of "small" thing that would trigger me horribly, I totally understand.

I can't tell you how long it took me to open a credit card or bank statment without a panic attack. I had to make changes to the way I handled a lot of stuff to avoid triggering constantly - I do more online online banking, transferred balances so that I'm dealing with a different company name/statement date, etc.

The water bottles! I still smell water bottles because I can't stand wasting water due to letting a half bottle lay around... I'd rather dump it in the dog bowl than down the drain! BUT DAMN... I don't want to get the dogs drunk off their a$$es! I will smell them for a very long time to come. I just can't risk making the pups sick because I won't stop dumping half full water bottles in their bowls.

in my house, it's Dunkin Donuts coffee cups. If she puts one down, I find myself sniffing it. More than once, it's full of wine.