hopenlove15

I hate going through different emotions every single day. My recovering alcoholic boyfriend is still sober and trying to figure out his life. I felt understanding about him wanting his space to figure things out, but now I'm starting to feel angry. He doesn't call, he doesn't answer my text. I know I need to be strong, but it's so hard. I miss having my partner, my best friend but most of all I miss my boyfriend. I feel like I've been the only person by his side through all the good and all the bad. I took him to rehab when he admitted everything, I paid for it and I was there all along the way. Now that he's out he doesn't even have the desire to pick up the phone or even call to say hi. He says it's because he feels awkward and he's not used to feeling this way. I feel so lonely and just soooo sad. I feel so disconnected and left out of his life. I tried Al-Anon, but I didn't really like the meeting. It was about how they felt that day and not about what they've been through. What do I do. I have no one to talk to and I just try to keep everything in until sometimes I break. I just want him to be ok, but I also want us to be ok. I never anticipated it being this hard when he got sober. Help! I'm a mess

dandylion

hopeinlove---early recovery (one to 2yrs.) is very difficult--often even worse than the origional drinking. Many of us (me) have hung all of our hopes on that Magic time when they are sober--and all the good things would flow. Our expectations are so high--that our sacrifices will be rewarded--that the books will be balanced---and, that what we have earned will be ours. The cost of living with and loving an alcoholic can be very high.

It is fair--HEL* No! But, it is reality. I heard someone say, recently: "Thinking that the world is fair is like thinking that the bull wont attack us because are a vegetarian".

hopenlove--I am soo empathetic for what you are feeling, right now--I have felt the very same way.

I think that the best thing you can do is to put your own happiness first--and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

If you haven't yet read "Co-dependent No More"....that might be a really good place to start.

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

I suggest trying Alanon again. Since your emotions are fluctuating every day being with people who discuss this same issue should be a help. The emotional support I got when going through the roughest part saved my sanity. Staying stuck in a lonely, miserable place is the worst thing of all, at least for me. Have you read "Codependent No MOre?" It opened my eyes to my part in the misery I was feeling and I was able to start the slow process of changing so I can pick someone who isn't an addict next time.

AnvilheadII

the toughest part of "being the only one" and "standing by them" and "getting them IN to rehab" is that we begin to believe that we will somehow have some ownership in their recovery - when the fact is that just as much as their addiction was not about us, neither is their recovery. and we are often left so devastated when we realize that.

it's also difficult if we have never dealt with overwhelming siege of addiction ourselves....or just how difficult it is to quit and STAY quit, especially early on. voices scream in your head, just a little, just one more, i need a drink or i will die. the blood in your veins burns hot like acid. it takes monumental effort just to remember to breathe. it isn't over in a week, or a month....there is no snapping back to NORMAL. every day you have to learn how to get thru the day, the next hour, without caving in. it can really render one useless as a partner for a while!!!

hopeful4

When you have a relationship with an alcoholic you cannot have any expectations out of them at all.

I am sorry.

hopenlove15

Yeah, it's just hard being a partner of someone going through this. I mean it's only been a week since he's been out of rehab, but I guess I had this idea in my head that everything would be great once he got sober. I just didn't think it would be this hard for me. He asked me to be patient, until everything starts feeling normal again. It's just hard because I can't help but feel like he doesn't even care about me. I feel like he's sober now and has realized he doesn't even love me anymore. I feel like I did something wrong. Maybe it's a mature for me to feel all of these feelings but I can't help it. He told me not to take it personal, but it's hard not to. My family has no idea what's going on so I don't have anyone to talk to. Our 6 year anniversary is this Saturday and I doubt he is even thinking about it. Ahhhhhh, I'm just so stressed out. I wish I didn't have to feel this way. I wish I could just be strong.

NWGRITS

Recovery takes years, not days. And it may well be that he finds he doesn't love you. He will be slowly looking at things from a healthier perspective, with his priorities in the proper places. If he finds something in his life that threatens his recovery, he will probably cut off the cancer, so to speak. I know it's hard to hear this. You want to believe that your ledger will be balanced, but it never will be. You didn't do anything to make him sober, just like you didn't do anything to make him drink. He made the choice to choose recovery, and every day HE makes the choice to not drink. He is battling a demon far greater than anything you could possibly imagine. And he doesn't owe you a thing.

I second the wise words of others who have encouraged you to seek alanon again for yourself. Read Codependent No More. Find out why your picker is broken, why you chose an addict, and how you can get yourself better to avoid making that mistake in the future.

dandylion

hopenlove---have you thought of getting a counselor that actually works in the alcohol recovery field?? Your situation is not at all uncommon. I think this would help you a great deal in understanding the dynamics of what is going on. You deserve at least this much...don't you?

You need a lot of support, right now.!!

dandylion

embraced2000

hopeinlove.....I went to al-anon weekly for 6 months, kicking and screaming the whole time. I was angry, hurt, bewildered and I just plain didn't "get it".

I found it incredible that they didn't want to talk about the alcoholics in our lives and all the insanity that was happening in our lives.

I thought it was totally counterproductive that they weren't helping me get him sober and keep him sober.

oh, I could go on and on about my perceptions of al-anon in the early days of my journey.

it slowly become clear to me that al-anon was not about the alcoholic at all.....it was about ME!

which even pi$$ed me off further.....after all, HE was the one with the problem.....I was his victim!

at my al-anon meetings, the focus was on us....the family and friends of alcoholics....and the effects it had on us....how it had changed us.....how to heal ourselves and become whole again.

please consider trying al-anon or some other support group again.

Mango blast

PAWS - Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...periences.html
Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms - Relapse Prevention Strategies

Things got much harder for us when my husband came home from rehab in January. After a while things started to get better, and then he relapsed. We've both learned a lot from that and he is newly sober and learning how to get help. We knew the logistics of getting help. Implementing that is harder for us to learn!

There have been times in the past few months when I wasn't sure if he still loved me, and he may have been wondering too but there's been so much going on internally with him I'm really glad we didn't try to hash that out. Things are good now. We're both sure of our love for each other (that could have taken another year or more, but thankfully it didn't) and we're starting to communicate more effectively. We each have a LOT to work through on our own right now. Each time I think it's him, I look inward at myself and learn new things.

None of this is easy. One day at a time.

hopenlove15

Thank you guys so much. You guys are right I need to work on myself. I'm so stuck always trying to take care of everyone else, but never myself. I really hope Al-Anon can help guide me and support me through this. I was thinking about getting a counselor, but I don't know how I would go about that. I just want to learn to be happy without always worrying about him. I've been with him since I was 18 so for people to say that I need to change my "picker" so that I can stop picking alcoholics isn't fair to say. I'm only 25 and I have always been there for him through EVERYTHING. That's why it's so strange and hurtful to me that for the first time he's pushing ME away. He says he has never had to deal with the raw emotions that he's been suppressing (trauma that happened when he was a kid) since he was young. He says he feels uncomfortable in his own skin because he has been used to just drinking away his feelings. What made him finally want to go to Rehab was the fact that he was tired of disappointing all the people he loved in his life like his family and myself. i guess patience is he key to getting through this. Hahn I just hope it gets easier for him and for me.

OnawaMiniya

Hi and nice to meet you, Hopenlove.

I can see how frustrating and hurtful his behavior must feel.

Think of it this way: alcoholics use alcohol to cope with life. They use it to celebrate, to soothe, to relax, etc etc etc. It IS their coping mechanism.

Once they stop drinking, their work is far from done. In fact, in many ways, it has only just begun. Now, they have to learn actual strategies and ways to cope with life. They have drank to escape their feelings, their fears, their anxieties, etc. They don't necessarily have other tools in their arsenal to use to cope with anything. So, they don't yet know how...and it will take a LOT of looking within and a LOT of HARD work to develop those tools, which will replace their previous coping plan, which was: DRINK.

When he says he feels awkward, he is telling you the truth. Actually, it's good that he is saying that - he is acknowledging how he is feeling instead of reaching for a drink to escape that feeling.

I'm not exactly defending him here....a lot of people here who have been in your shoes of dealing with someone who has stopped drinking and is now at the point where they need to develop alternate ways to deal with life will tell you that recovery can be a VERY SELFISH TIME.

I have not exactly been in your position, but I would imagine that the best thing you could do for yourself is to focus on yourself - get out and do things that you enjoy, live your life, pamper yourself, volunteer somewhere for something, go out with loved ones, etc. You cannot control someone else, so really your only choices are to continue to feel like crap based on the behavior of someone else, or, go out and make yourself happy.

And I know that what I am saying is easier said than done when you feel hurt, left out, excluded, confused, angry, etc. Inevitably, there WILL be moments where you feel all of those things and more, because of the time and care and love you have invested in him, the fact that you stood by him through so much turmoil, the fact that you gave so much of yourself to another person....only to now feel totally shut out.

So, think of it like balancing a checkbook. You have figuratively (and literally!) spent a lot on him, your balance is below zero and in the negative, and your funds need replenishing to return to a positive balance... and you do this by now spending a lot on YOU, figuratively speaking (and sometimes literally, if you can swing it for something you will enjoy!).

Not only will this be good for YOU, but, it could possibly have a positive effect on him (only he can choose to allow it to have a positive impact on him, though, so don't expect anything) by him seeing your example of living life to the fullest and getting enjoyment.

He has probably forgotten how to do this, as he turned to drinking in good times and bad.

But, that doesn't mean YOU have to forget how to go out and be happy.

Hope this helps and that you are feeling better.

take good care.

Peace.

LadyinBC

I'm an alcoholic and can relate to not feeling comfy in your own skin. There is a big misconception that once we sober up life is all good. Unfortunately it is not. Not for the alcoholic and not for the family members. There are even more issues that have to be dealt with after that.

I have always said that there is tons of help for the addict/alcoholic and hardly any for the people that we screw up. We get rehab, there should be rehab for the family members. You guys clean up when we are drunk and get stuck with dealing up the aftermath when we sober up.

The longer I am sober the easier it does get. Patience will serve you well and don't forget to make sure that you take care of your needs and put yourself first. That is really important. At some point we need to realize that not everything is all about us.

OnawaMiniya

Being as young as you are and having the realization that you are always trying to take care of others and never yourself is an incredibly important realization, and acting on that realization will have a TREMENDOUS IMPACT on the rest of your life - I cannot stress that strongly enough.

I really can't.

This realization can spare you years of hurt and frustration.

Seeing this in yourself is not enough, though - you must take action to apply this knowledge in your life in real ways, and then this knowledge will become wisdom and a way of life, rather than a theory floating around in your mind.

Remember at all times that taking good care of yourself is of the utmost importance. There's nothing wrong with taking good care of others, as well. I have always enjoyed doing so. It is a quality I quite like in myself, to be sure. But, if you don't take good care of yourself and maintain a healthy mindset in the process, you will find yourself drained, with nothing left to give, full of bitterness and resentment over other people's actions/inaction, which is something you have no control over. The energy wasted in feeling this way is just that - a total waste. It's a futile thing to invest your time and energy into. Think about it - it's your choice to invest so much in someone, and it is not your choice how they will react or treat you. So, don't give with the mindset of gaining specific results from another person. You have no control.

It is helpful to remember that you really have no control over others. You can be a positive influence in their life. However, it is solely up to them how they choose to live their life, regardless of you. Therefore, you have to make sure you draw the line between being helpful to others, and (setting yourself up for) being used. They might not intentionally use you. Either way, the result is the same.

Don't expect to be "repaid" under any circumstances. Ideally, in healthy relationships where there is give and take on both ends (as opposed to one person giving all of the time, and the other taking all of the time), both people do try and keep things fair, and there is no "score-keeping" going on - when one has something to give, they give it. When they need something, they take it. It is not done for any reasons other than kindness for giving, and gratitude for receiving - just being good to each other out of respect and love.

You will benefit from learning how to recognize when someone is simply not benefiting from all you give. Just because you give, have good intentions, etc, does not guarantee your desired result. Don't waste your energy. Their life is theirs, and only they control their happiness, just like only you control yours.

If you are too drained by giving to those who do not care or benefit, and by not taking good care of yourself, you will literally have nothing left to give. You will be exhausted, and you'll find yourself angry, bitter, etc. You don't want to feel that way. It won't make them open their eyes and treat you better, and it WILL steal YOUR happiness, which is your gift to yourself. A change in perspective is all it takes to prevent someone from stealing away something that is yours, created by you. You have to let them take it. Don't.

Remember not to take these things personally - people who are this way will do it to anyone who allows them to. It's not being done to punish you, it's being done because they can get away with it.

I'm not trying to classify your guy in this way - I don't know him, and I hope his recovery goes well. This is in response to you mentioning that you take care of others and not yourself.

You are better than that.

Please - save yourself from a future of bitterness and resentment, by:

*recognizing users (whether or not they are doing it intentionally does not matter in the end) and avoiding being involved with them
*taking good care of your own self because you recognize your value
*NOT TAKING IT PERSONALLY - understand that opportunistic, selfish, and/or ignorant people take advantage of whoever allows them to do so. Chances are, they aren't literally sitting around plotting things to hurt YOU as much as they are plotting ways to get what THEY want, regardless of who they impact and how. They either have not learned a better way, or they do not care to. And it is YOUR CHOICE how much you give. Your decision.
*When you make the CHOICE to give, give for the sake of giving only. Do it because you feel it is the right thing to do, and for no other reason. Don't keep score. Don't expect to be "repaid". Give in the spirit of kindness and service only, with no expectations.

Try looking here:

Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today

Enter your city or zip code to see the therapists near you. You can browse through the selection, and find what you need. They list their areas of expertise as well as whether they are sliding scale (you pay based on your income) and if I remember correctly they even list what insurances are accepted. It might be helpful to find someone who deals with addictions, relationships, etc. I found a therapist here and love her.

Excellent realization to have at a young age! It is so important to learn how to be happy independent of ANYone, let alone just him.

What are your interests and passions? Pursue these things. Find little joys every day. Appreciate the moment. Don't live in the past, and don't live in the future - I mean, intelligently plan for the future as best as you can, have dreams and goals, and take concrete steps to reach those goals, but remember that the present is the only moment we are actually living in.

I understand what you mean. You are young and have been with him from a considerably young age, so you have not had a lot of time to experience choosing partners even. The best thing you can do is learn from this experience.

Especially when young, a lot of people "party"... and then most people kind of outgrow it as they get older, and the ones who don't "outgrow" it are simply addicts now, and not a "young person partying" anymore. So, when you get together at such a young age, you might not necessarily recognize the behavior as a problem - you might just think they are partying or experimenting etc. Though, now that I am older, I can look back and see that certain personality traits exist in those who continued drinking or drugging excessively long after their peers stopped and GREW UP. Know what I mean? Being that you were 18, you might not have seen this at the time. That's OK. One good thing about getting older is gaining wisdom and experience that can make your future go more smoothly when you apply your learned lessons and observations and exeriences!

I was with someone from age 20-29, living together and everything. We had been through a LOT together in those 9 years - really, a LOT to cram into 9 years, and a LOT to go through at young ages. I had come to think we would always be together, after so much. But, we grew apart. At the time it felt absolutely devastating. But, I survived. And I did learn a lot from the experience in the end. I can still look back on it 5 years later and learn new things from the experience.

As unpleasant as it feels, know that it is always possible that your current relationship won't last for the rest of your life. And also KNOW that even if it doesn't, it is possible to get through it and be OK.

It is good to have realizations about yourself, not just about the people you have chosen to be your partners and friends in life. Look objectively without judgement at your weaknesses and shortcomings - we all have them! - and do your best to be self aware enough to understand how those weaknesses might cause you to attract or be drawn to traits in others that are not good for you. Work your hardest at evolving and gaining strength to avoid that kind of situation. Don't be overly hard on yourself, don't waste time being disgusted with yourself or putting yourself down. It does nothing but drag you down and prevent you from becoming the best version of you that you can be. No one is perfect - and no one ever will be perfect, no matter how hard they work on themselves throughout their lifetime. There is always more to be learned. That fact can carry you through difficulties that come with evolving.

Good for him for having the self awareness to know that, and for having the courage to voice it. I hope his recovery goes well. That's a good start, him being self aware. Just don't base your happiness on his. He has this knowledge and that is a good thing, yes - but ultimately it is up to him what he does with it. you can only control yourself.

It is good that he understands that his addiction put those he cares about through a lot, but he has to stop drinking for himself. Hopefully, he is tired of disappointing HIMSELF.

Patience is one key for sure.

Be prepared for anything, though.

It is not unusual for relationships to end once a partner sobers up, for a variety of reasons. If this happens, remember that you WILL be OK. Remember not to hold on to bitterness or resentment, as it will harm YOU the most.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

Peace

NWGRITS

My point was that your behaviors with him will just repeat themselves with the next one if you don't fix yourself. Speaking from experience here. I've been in a few long-term relationships built on codependency. My current one (and hopefully last) is the first healthy relationship. My first serious bf was when I was 16. We were together for five years. He was emotionally abusive, and would threaten to kill himself if I left. Then he got physical and I left. Next one was even needier than I was. Totally unhealthy relationship, and he's my older two children's father. Next couple of guys after the divorce were unstable and abusive. Then I finally got the message that the common denominator in all of those jacked up relationships was ME. Lightbulb moment. I started seeing a therapist and working Alanon. My current husband is amazing, and I can be an independent person with him. I don't try to rescue him or keep a tally of everything I do for him, because love doesn't do that. We aren't perfect and we have plenty of troubles, but the way we deal with it is healthy. That's the difference.