dandylion

Something that Hammer said a couple of weeks ago has been stuck in my brain:

"Pain drives the train".

I've been giving this a lot of consideration--and it seems to be a great truth when it is applied to this whole addiction/codependency thing.

I have heard this said so many ways--like when does the catipillar become a butterfly?
In psychiatry, there was the old adage: "Don't let your patient get too comfortable"
In the gym--no pain=no gain.

It does appear that pain is our friend in a freaky kind of way---if recovery is our desire. The addict seeks recovery when the pain of drinking/using becomes too great that anything--even sobriety looks better.
The co-dependent will finally let go when the pain of hanging on becomes so great that there is no longer any reward in it.

It looks like great pain indicates that we are getting closer to recovery. That pain has a silver lining (in addiction and co-dependency).

There is another universal truth---that organisms will expend more energy trying to avoid pain than to seek comfort. I presume that this means that we will ride that pain train long and hard before making a change for our betterment.

Thought that I would just share what has been rattling around in my brain, recently.

Now, I have to go....I think I hear a train coming......

dandylion

LaTeeDa

I can tell you that I did everything I possibly could to avoid the pain of divorce. (Or perceived pain of divorce) Only in hindsight can I see that a lot of my efforts to avoid pain actually caused more pain than what I was trying to avoid. But, until I was brought to my knees, devastated, I couldn't bear the thought of changing things.

L

hopeful4

This, me too. The good news is that I have went through all the stages of pain and grief that came along with my actual and perceived pain and am now in a much better place mentally.

It sort of shocks me because I have not cried once since I made XAH leave. I am not stuffing my feelings, I am not avoiding them. It is just that there is nothing left, nothing for me to feel. I have went through the anxiety, the tears, all of it long ago.

It makes me very happy that I am able to move forward and finally have some peace in my life.

I do hope that with the pain of this divorce there will be change for my XAH but am not holding my breath at all. I have turned him over to God, what he does with his life is now his choice.

HopefulinFLA

How I hope we all get there someday...soon!

JustAGirl1971

I could have written all of this hopeful. It's exactly how I feel/felt. I am tired of looking back, I'm ready to move forward. I'm feeling so good that honestly, I was afraid that I was stuffing my feelings. But, like you, I spent so much time grieving while we were still together that I just have no tears left for him/us. I just feel free

lizatola

Hopeful, your posts always give me a chance to have hope for myself. I am still riding the pain train, for...get this...., a way to avoid feeling more pain! HAH, I just realized that was my own demented thinking at work here. I guess my pain tolerance hasn't gotten pushed to it's limits yet.

Anyway, like you, I don't cry anymore over AH and our marriage. Love to see the progress you are making, though, and I'm always grateful for your input!

hopeful4

Thank you all. The progress feels good. XAH sent me some whacky text this afternoon that he has finally figured out who I am having an affair with. I did not even ask. I just laughed and told him to get some help. I am not having any affair he just cannot believe I would not want to be with him for any other reason.

It felt so good to send that text, hit delete, and move on about my day. I am not mad,upset, nothing. Just the same ol me!

Everyone has their own limits. Just like someone told me, I would know when I was there. Boy is that true! I think it's important to remember that you don't have to question yourself all the time, just live in the moment and look at your life and find what will bring you happiness and work towards that. None of us got here overnight and our lives won't be healed overnight.

God Bless to my SR friends! XXX

Hammer

Yeah, the "Pain Drives My Train," is from the AA side.

A T phrase that is a little kinder -- "Healing happens outside the comfort zone."

dandylion

Hammer--I was hoping that you would have a good photo from your album to illustrate the point. Te,he, he......

dandylion

Stung

I just have to say that each time I see this thread I sing "too legit, too legit to quit!" in my head. So thank you!

BlueSkies1

Pain makes me more depressed, takes me lower, doesn't open that door to a brighter future, gives me zero motivation, in fact, zaps it.
Remembering a time when I had less pain, and thinking of how to get back to that state of mind is uplifting. If I did it once, I can do it again, if I had it once, I can have it again.

Everybody works differently, but pain is negative, but remembering a time without it as the motivational factor is positive, for me.
I have to SEE a brighter future in my head before I have the motivation to make it happen. I have to BELIEVE it can be done.
Like that saying we have to already believe we have whatever it is we want before we can make it come true. We have to believe it is already in ourselves.

dandylion

BlueSkies--my post was intended to be applied to seeking recovery from addictions or dealing with co-dependency issues. I was not speaking to depression or some other human conditions or situations.

I get exactly what you are saying!

dandylion

BlueSkies1

I guess I have to wonder if codependency is not a form of depression, or we would have stopped it in its tracks if we were completely healthy.

As a topic of what creates true and lasting motivation--is pain it, or is being able to envision freedom from the pain it?
I'm taking the idea that pain is a motivational feeling to the next step. With pain we need to force a change. How do we do that? Imagine a life where that particular pain is not a constant, imagine freedom from that pain.
Not trying to split hairs here, trying to point out where the uplifting motivation comes from. Buried in pain there's no escape nor motivation until we can imagine the way out of that pain.

hopeful4

I don't know what comes first, the chicken or the egg so to speak, but I do believe codependency and depression easily go hand in hand for many.

LifeRecovery

I guess I view my motivation to tolerate the pain and "do" recovery to heal from it as the hope that the more healed I become the less pain I will have.

For me though I had to first be willing to look at, examine and most importantly sit with the pain before I can move past it. I have had a lot of feeling and then sorting of emotions to do. The hope that I can live in my body with less emotional pain has become enough motivation for me.

Stuffing it and pretending it was not there, and was not real was not really working for me. It lead to my own addiction.

Great thread and discussion.

mattmathews

I don't think pain gets us closer to recovery, or I would have recovered a thousand times over.

But if we are lucky, pain may eventually drive us out of the prison that we've mistaken for home. I've heard it called the Gift of Desperation...and it was only recently that someone pointed out that the Gift of Desperation may be another way of saying God.

allforcnm

I am not as motivated by pain & fear.. as I am by focusing on hope, positive goals and dreams. I don't mean fantasy land dreams where there is no plan in place to achieve the goals of course... I think its been Hope and Belief in the future that has driven recovery for both me, and my husband (2 years for him /drugs).

For me, I knew in the beginning I couldn't live with the drugs in my life not because of the pain they caused, but because it interfered with my goals and dreams and the hopes I had for my future. When he went into recovery it was the same Hope & Belief ...based on a recovery plan that allowed me to stand comfortably by his side. If I had held onto pain/fear then I might have been too scared to do that, for fear of relapse, etc.

For him... he experienced varying degrees of pain when using, but none of it pushed him to stop. He said what started him thinking about it was being afraid he would get caught at work.. but that was only the initial thought... then he jumped ahead to being motivated by his hopes, dreams... because he knew all the career goals he had and focused on those.. he knew he couldn't do it with drugs in the mix.

It was the same with our family.. it wasn't the pain of our separation that caused him to stop or embrace recovery... his motivation was his goals and dreams of being the kind of father and husband he had always envisioned. Taking our son on his first camping trip, and teaching him to ride a bike. Our having another child and growing old together.. When in rehab he said it was thoughts of the future that motivated him, not fear of relapse or pain of the past.

I have wondered however... we both had good memories to fall back on, dreams and goals that were already established and had valid pathways...but had then been broken by addiction... I wonder for people who grew up in addictive or alcoholic homes , started using substances very young, or continue so long the pathways of the brain are altered and pain is not perceived in a normal way..... if there is a difference in motivation ? The cycle becomes the norm ? It takes severe pain to make a person seek out change? Or does the motivation come for some when Hope is restored & backed up by a working plan to provide a Belief that life can be joyous?

Hammer

You all make a good point of whether some folks are better motivated by pain (or the avoidance of) or seeking pleasure or better for ourselves.

I suppose some are neither, either, or both.

Guess I would like to think mostly towards "better," but in truth, a fair amount of both, for me.

So dandy wanted some pictures.

Seems the Carrot and Stick fits?

Yunno sometimes folks get confused thinking that just means a Carrot on a Stick. From what I follow it is supposed to mean BOTH Good Ahead (the Carrot) and Bad Behind (the stick whomp on our ass).

Carrot and stick - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So which are you / we? Do not suppose it matters. Just keep Stepping.

dandylion

Greaat picture, Hammer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love your ass.

dandylion

cheekie

I think for us codies pain is so familiar that we may not see it for what it is. It's the gas station clerk or the beat up yet kinda cool old building we see on the way to work. We may not notice it until it's gone. I think the addicts in our lives may have a leg up on us because they are used to feeling like garbage on a daily basis. Then they know what makes them not garbage-y on a daily basis. We just raise our pain threshold because we have the comfort of our recurring disappointments and lowered expectations. I know I do.